DOCTOR WHO AND AN UNRULY CHILD
Carry On Caveman
As the cat hurtled through the air towards him, Dave screamed like a terrified sissy.
The small cats of the forest had always unnerved him, even the one Hur called Mister
Snuggles. Dave dropped to the ground and feared the worst, his short life flashed
before his eyes. The tabby cat screamed in rage, pouncing upon it's prey with unbridled
Its whole weight dropped full upon him, causing Dave to vaguely notice.
The cat deliberately flexed it's paws back and forth, using Dave as a scratching post.
Dave screamed in endless terror...
To the Doctor and the others, everything seemed a bit overdramatic, but still it
was happening in a flurry of blinding speed, so they'd HOPED they'd missed something.
They knew for sure that they'd seen the tabby cat spring, apparently bearing the
caveman to the ground. They heard the cat purr softly as it gently kneaded it's
paws into the cavemen, in a way that looked almost affectionate. But still the caveman
was screaming with such intensity that it was difficult to concentrate.
In a flash of gray fur, the cat broke free and disappeared into the unquestionably
dark forest, leaving the cavemen paralyzed in the moonlit clearing.
The girl gave a great sigh of disbelief, and ran up to kick his side. She did not
want the strangers to see Dave like this.
Ian jumped to his feet. "Quick, now's our chance! Let's jump on Susan and get this
Instinctively the others obeyed him. All except the Doctor, who pushed away the two
school teachers from his young granddaughter and tried to imagine some excuse to
divert their attention, no matter how pathetic. "We can't just leave them!" The Doctor
said spontaneously, surprising even himself.
"Doctor!" Exclaimed Barbara. "They are savages. They would cheerfully have killed
us, once they figured out which way to point the rock. Remember the skulls in the cave!"
"Umm.." The Doctor was really trying to think on his feet now. "I don't care what
they've done. Over my many years some of my very best friends have tried to bludgeon
me to death with heavy objects. If I judged them each time they tried...Well! Well,
I simply wouldn't have any friends at all! Now would I?!" The Doctor glanced across
the clearing to where the swearing girl screamed at the motionless caveman. "See!
He could be injured!"
"Injured? What, after a mauling by a domestic cat?" Ian asked.
"No my dear boy! That girl has kicked him now a good number of times. Is probably
dying of embarrassment the poor girl."
Ian followed the Doctor's gaze and his eye fell upon the young cave girl, swearing
and punching away. "I think he's dead. There isn't any danger. Susan, why don't you
act as if I've just given you an F, and you KNOW there must SOMEWAY to get out of that
F..if only you could just think of it."
Ian heard a rustled noise next to him in the tall grass. "Barbara! Come back!"
Shouted Ian running after her. "This is our chance! Our chance with Susan Foreman
"I'll come over there with you Ian and Barbara!" called Susan. She moved to follow,
but the Doctor caught her arm. "You will do no such thing Susan! I won't allow it!
We're going back to the ship."
"No, biological grandfather!" said Susan defiantly. "We can't leave them here alone.
And they seem like nice people. And it's not like I've never been in a ménage à trois
The Doctor looked away. "Well, I could have lived without hearing that last sentence.
What the hell is wrong with the youth of today? It's the Isley Brothers! Warping
your young impressionable minds!"
Crouched protectively over Dave, Hur looked up fiercely as Barbara and Ian approached.
"Keep away strange ones!"
"Let me look at him." Ian said.
"You can not see him?" Hur replied.
"I'm sorry young lady. It is just unbelievably dark in this forest. Difficult to
see anything. Let me get closer."
"No! I know what sorts of things you school teachers get up to! I have seen Pink
Floyd's The Wall!" Insisted Hur.
Annoyed Barbara kicked Hur hard in the backside, knocking her to the ground. "We're just
trying to help!"
Ian knelt beside Dave.
"It's all right," said Ian. "I'm your friend."
Hur got up and looked at them in amazement. "Friend!?! But you just kicked the crap
"You kicked this caveman!"
"Yes, but Dave is a total plonker who was scared of my cat. He deserved it!"
"Whatever." sighed Ian. "I shall need some water."
"Water?" Asked Hur confused.
"Yes, you know, that wet stuff that you drink. It should be fairly common around here."
"Alright. But do you want Volvic or Evian?" asked Hur as she got out her goat skin
"What's the difference?" Inquired Barbara.
"The bottle shape."
"Run fast, and get the biggest bottle you can." Insisted Ian. "And if you are popping
off to some stone age corner shop, I could really use a Galaxy bar about now."
Muttering and grumbling, the Doctor allowed Susan to lead him over. The old man
by now was certainly regretting his choice of distraction. Why didn't he just point
at the sky and say "MY GOD! FLYING MONKEYS!" It had worked in the past.
Susan looked down at the caveman. "Cool!! Is he dead?"
"Far from it," said Ian with some lack of surprise. "In fact, he's a lot better than I
am at the moment. In fact, physically he's probably the healthiest out of any of us.
I think his mind just snapped. Some primitive, base fear of domestic cats. His cave
mind couldn't cope." Ian breathed deeply. "I'm sure this guy is a GREAT LEADER! His
tribe is probably better off with him comatose."
Barbara and Hur came back into the clearing. Barbara gave Ian a bottle of mineral
water and to his amazement Hur handed him a Lion bar. "Sorry, they were out of Galaxy."
Ian used the water to wash some scratches from the cat, which hadn't even broken the skin.
"This is the stupidest administration of first aid I've ever been forced to do. I mean,
where's the blood? Where are the organs? Where is the flaming school bus going over
a steep cliff and landing on a fireworks factory?"
Barbara pointed. "Look! There's a cut on his hand! The cat MUST have slashed him."
"I'm afraid not Barbara. The poor bastard was holding the rock wrong way around again."
Ian looked ruefully at Barbara. "It seems the Doctor has held back our chance of getting
down and dirty with Susan." He glanced over at the old man. "Doctor, I bet that ship of
yours must be just littered with stray cats and dogs. The caring, selfless man you
"They're human beings, Ian. Disgustingly STUPID human beings. But still, humans."
"All right. I know."
The Doctor scowled at his two new companions.
Hur looked at the Doctor. "Strange old man. You want to passage back to your ship.
Have you got medical supplies in the ship? Antiseptic? Paracetamol?"
"This is preposterous!! How do you know of such things cave lady??" Spluttered the Doctor.
"I used to watch Casualty."
"Oh in that case!" The Doctor rolled his eyes. "One moment we are trying to get away
from these savages and now-"
"Now we're helping them! It was your idea Doctor. I know! You're a Doctor.
"I am not a Doctor of medicine, young man!"
"Well a Doctor of philosophy might help! If Dave is suffering from a Jungian conflict
of his subconscious! You could tap into the collective unconscious!" Insisted Hur.
The Doctor looked quizzically at Hur. "I'm not even going to ask." He motioned in
the air with his hand and said "No, no. I am not a Doctor of philosophy either."
Barbara peered at the old man. "A Doctor in Theology! You could administer last rights."
"No! Not philosophy, or medicine, or theology!"
Ian stood straight and asked, "Alright? What ARE you a Doctor of?"
"I got my Doctorate in Frisbee."
"WHAT?! That's not a real Doctorate." Insisted Ian.
"University of California, Davis. Earth. 1982. Check it out, if you don't believe me."
Replied the Doctor with confidence.
"Grandfather, please, stop bragging about your amazingly advanced frisbee skills.
We should make friends with these cavepeople. Maybe Hur will take a fancy to you.
She's probably on the rebound with her boyfriend sent into a paralysing shock from
a housecat. This could be your chance to pick up a bit of easy tart."
"Ridiculous! But not half bad."
"Doctor!" said Barbara angrily. "Why must you treat everyone and everything as less
important than yourself?"
The Doctor looked severely at her. "I, my dear child, am the guardian of the galaxy!
The viceroy of time! The ruler of reality! And YOU are a small bipedal ape creature
from a planet named Dirt...I mean...Earth. Same difference." The Doctor nodded with
supreme self-satisfaction - but his expression changed rapidly when Ian went on "We'll
make a stretcher and carry Dave on with us."
"You're not proposing to take him back to the ship?! That won't do at all!"
"We can make a stretcher using all our clothes," said Ian briskly. "Now I know it's
freezing cold in this lightless forest, but we can make do. Barbara, Susan, see if
you can break a couple of long straight branches from those bushes."
Sometime in the night Kevin woke, his mind filled with the instinct of danger.
Kevin often knew fear in the commune, he knew that his macrame plant hangers could
be swiped at any moment. He looked around him. Everything seemed normal, except
for the disappearance of Old Mother, Dave and Hur. These three would never go off
in the night together. Old Mother and Dave especially were terrified of every
moving and inanimate thing, especially after the burning orb of fire had left them.
Kevin rose, knife in hand, and made his way VERY NOISLY to the cave of skulls.
He woke up the entire commune but simply stopped and pretended to be sleep walking
and sleep air guitaring whenever anyone looked up. The old trick still worked on
the simple minded cave dwellers. When Kevin saw the great stone had been removed
from the cave of skulls he felt great anger. The telly maker must have given Dave
the secret of television! This would upset the entire power balance of the commune.
Kevin walked inside the cave and saw the to his astonishment that the cave held no
strangers, and no Dave. Only Old Mother, lay moaning, trampled, on the ground.
Kevin dragged her to her feet. "The strange creatures - where are they? Are my
marcame plant hangers safe?? ANSWER OLD WOMAN!"
"They have gone," said Old Mother happily.
"How did they move the stone?"
"Dave moved it."
"Dave has gone with them? Did they take my macrame plant hangers?? Tell me old woman.
"Dave and Hur went after the strangers. Through there. There is another way."
"The strangers' hands were bound." said Kevin fiercely. "Dave could not have set them
free. Dave cannot even understand knots. He was kicked out of caveboy scouts!"
"The old one ate the binds. I set them free!" Old Mother said proudly. "Now
they will not make telly any more. There will be no more Top of the Pops!"
Kevin could not believe his ears. The dream of mastering telly, of fire, of
seeing Blockbuster all LOST because of this meddling woman. "You freed them?"
A surge of slight annoyance swept through him, and suddenly the blunt stone knife
in his hand was buried deep in Old Mother's heart.
The old woman stared disbelievingly down at the knife for a moment - she could not
believe it was actually sharp enough to pierce her flesh.
Dramatically, whilst quoting various Shakespearian tragedies, she fell, repeatedly,
to her death.
Kevin looked on deeply freaked out. Jumping back and forth maniacally -- he would
have to come up with one damned good excuse for the tribe. His first thought was to
convince them that she had committed suicide by stabbing herself with a fish. When Kevin
realised that his knife looked nothing at all like a fish -- he became worried.
Susan knelt to wipe Dave's forehead, but Hur slapped her hand away rudely. "NO!
Let him die!"
"We only want to help the poor bastard."
Ian smiled. "I think Hur is jealous of you, Susan. You're naked, naughty, and a million
years ahead of her time.
Baffled Hur looked around at the group. "I do not understand you strange weirdos!
Dave is your enemy. You should rejoice in his death. You should work to kill him
faster. You should help the Commune! But you are like morons, helping the king of fools.
Please, why do you not kill him?"
Ian sighed, "These people just don't understand kindness or friendship. Doctor,
Barbara, why don't you try to explain while I shag Susan senseless behind this bush?"
The Doctor held Susan close to him and explained to Hur, "We will make your young
friend well again. All we are prepared to ask in exchange is safe passage to our own
"You mean the transcendental time ship you arrived in?" Quizzed Hur.
"Ummm....yes, more or less." Replied the Doctor deeply annoyed.
A feeble and shakey voice piped up from the ground. "Listen to them Hur. They speak
the truth. They did not kill me." At last Dave was conscious, thought completely dazed
and still as dumb as dirt.
"We've been here far too long" started Ian "and I for one am desperate for some action.
We need to keep moving, to reach the ship, and then reach out to each other. I think,
yes, groping is the word I'm looking for. Are we all ready?"
"I'm terribly thirsty," said Susan. "Running through gloomy forests while completely
kitless is hard work. Can I have some water? I could pour it over my body slowly if
you like...after I quench my thirst of course."
Ian nodded, and Susan went over to Hur and said hopefully, "Water?"
Hur handed over an enourmously huge bottle of Evian. Susan looked over at the Doctor,
who was sulking. "Do you want some water, Grandfather."
"I don't mind if I do!" The Doctor grabbed the massive water bottle and chugged it down
like a man possessed. "Oh look! Silly me! I seem to have gulped down the vast majority
of the water supply! I'm afraid you'll only have enough to quench your thirst, my dear
little Susan. Your outdoor shower will have to wait."
Ian punched the Doctor, hard.
"Don't take any notice of him," Susan said to Ian. "He's often like this. Especially
when he doesn't get his way, or makes some stupid attempt to save my reputation."
Ian finished checking out the makeshift, all clothing, stretcher, carefully checking
over Barbara's bra to determine it's size.
"Maybe it was a good idea making friends with these weird communal wacky spaced out
dizzy cave people." Commented Barbara uncharacteristically. "They might even improve our
odds of getting back to the ship."
Ian looked up from a fascinating pair of knickers and saw that the Doctor had picked
up a heavy pointed stone and was advancing stealthily towards Dave.
He sprang up and gripped the Doctor's wrist. "What are you doing?"
"What do you think I'm doing skippy?" said the Doctor indignantly. "I'm going to off
this bastard! We should split this fellow's head open like an overripe melon while we
still have a chance, hmm?"
Ian did not seem impressed.
"Or we could ask him to draw us a complex map in the sand pointing directly to the
location of the TARDIS!" the Doctor offered.
Ian was not amused. "Dave is far too stupid to draw a map. And even if he wasn't,
he's still dazed. There's no hope of getting any truly useful information out of him."
"Well then, we will just have to do what we can as the opportunities arise." Hinted the
"Hey Doctor, I take things as they come." Assured Ian.
"STOP QUOTING YOUR CHARACTER DESCRIPTION FROM CHAPTER 1!" The Doctor said with a
fierce rage, before huffing to himself.
The Doctor went back into his default expression, looking scornfully at anyone and
everything around him.
Ignoring the Doctor, Ian and the three women rolled Dave onto the stretcher.
"Will you take one end Doctor?" Asked Ian.
"Surely you don't expect me to carry him? This has gone all too far! I wish that
cat had killed him!"
"Do you expect one of the girls to do it? Is Susan stronger than you?" said Ian blandly.
"Lead the way then, Susan."
Fuming, the Doctor picked up the stretcher, being especially careful to rub into the
lace of the Barbara's underthings, and the little party set off into the unilluminated
Kevin woke up the commune with fierce, fast, and insane yodeling. They were rubbing
their eyes and staring straightforward in blank confusion -- for them, this was as aware
and awake as they ever got. "The old bastard has eaten his bonds and fled into the night.
Dave and Hur have gone with them. I believe he may intend to take them to a magical land
of Wombles -- Wimbledon Common."
"Hur would not help the strangers escape." Start Torgo. "And the creatures you call
Wombles do not exist."
"You are wrong Torgo! I have seen the Wombles, hunted them in the dark places. We
must find Hur and Dave, and discover what business they have with Orinoco!"
Torgo shook his head in amazement. "And what of Old Mother? Does she play with the
Wombles as well?"
"She sits silent in the Cave of Skulls," said Kevin. "I saw her there, but she would not
move or speak."
"So basically, what you are telling us, Kevin," began Torgo "Is that the Old Mother is
too stoned to move, and she is chilling out in the musky cave? This is not news!"
Torgo marched proudly to the Cave of Skulls and the commune members followed him slowly.
Old Mother sat, staring into space, leaning against some very suspicious looking skull
bongs. Torgo reached out and touched Old Mother on the shoulder -- she tipped over sideways
and fell stiffly to the ground. "WOW!! She's really stoned!" Torgo observed.
"SHE IS NOT STONED!! The old woman is DEAD!"
"Are you sure, Kevin?"
"Hell yeah! I kil-- I MEAN, I have seen her fall over, and the smell of death is upon
"Old Mother always has the smell of death upon her. THIS IS A WASTE OF TIME!" Torgo was
deeply resenting bothering to wake up and give a damn.
Kevin looked at the commune and said, "I believe I've sussed it. Dave and Hur came here
to free the strangers. So that they might possess the secrets of telly! Old Mother later
came in here and overdosed on massive amounts of marijuana! It was a super dope grown by
Dave HIMSELF! He let his mother have access to the evil dope, knowing she would smoke it
and die! Meanwhile they are going to the magical tree in Wimbledon Common, to return the
telly maker. Leaving us without TELLY, FOREVER!"
Torgo sighed. "What the hell are you talking about Kevin?? Overdose on marijuana? That
is not possible! Dave does not have the skill to grow small radishes, much less a super
weed! And if Old Mother did die from smoking the potent spliff as you claim -- what's with
the big fucking stab wound?"
"Perhaps she did not know how to use a bong?"
"And for ease stabbed herself with it in the chest?"
"Closer to the lungs!"
"No! Old Mother must know the ways of the bong." Stated Torgo firmly. "I think, instead,
Dave and Hur murdered her. Old Mother must have tried to stop the escape!"
"What??? OH! YEAH! That's brilliant! Definitely! Yup! That must be it!" Agreed Kevin
It was Susan who reached the edge of the forest first -- she was still running from her
school teachers. Pushing her way through the cloak of night, she pointed onto the darkened
plain and shouted, "Over there! OVER THERE! I can see the TARDIS, right where we parked
The others plodded slowly after her, gazing deeply into the tones and accents of her young
flesh revealed in the dim moonlight. Carrying the weight of Dave had slowed them to a
crawl. The old Doctor had needed frequent rests and paused for some much needed bitching
breaks in which he insulted his travelling companions and some random passing tourists from
the 83rd century. But they were here at last, and safety, or at least a nuclear powered
time ship of death and destruction, was in sight.
"Come on, Doctor," Shouted Ian. "Get off your dead arse and get moving! We're almost
"Yes, Yes, very well," grumbled the Doctor. "It's such a pity. I would have truly enjoyed
being captured again, maybe fighting to the death with some primordial beasts, and then,
yes, destroy an entire civilization. Now, that's a proper outing!"
"Barbara, you and Susan hold back the bushes so we can get the stretcher through," Said
Barbara and Susan wondered why Ian really wanted to see them play in the undergrowth
together, but they humoured him and started pushing back whatever bushes they could find
As Ian came into the plain he could just about make out the blue police box,
standing peacefully in a nearby field. "WOW! I'm thrilled to be out of that pitch-black
forest at last!" he chirped!
Suddenly, to his horror, he saw a number of burly skin-clad figures emerge from behind
the TARDIS and advance towards him. "MY GOD!! ROADIES!!!" Screamed Ian.
"No my dear boy, much worse than mere roadies. Prehistoric cavemen! Although the
resemblance is fascinating."
"Back!" Shouted Ian. He retreated clumsily back into the murky forest, hampered by
the stretcher and an innate fear of anything even vaguely reminiscent of a roadie.
To Ian's horror, once inside the forest, he saw another group of tribesmen blocking
The leader had a short jutting beard, that made him appear somewhat like a trendy dumb ass,
but he also had a proper rock knife in his hand.
They were trapped. The Doctor looked on with relieved glee.
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