Hi Everyone! My name is Neil Witherick and I wanted to reply to the article written by Cyril Fitzgerald (aka the Canon Master). I have quite a lot of first hand information that Cyril is obviously not aware of. I am going to just reply to him claim by claim and sort this matter out straight once and for all.
I came to my attention that the suspect, Mr. Charles Daniels of California, had been distributing, through fan networks, Japanese novelisations alleged to have been released by a firm incorporated as Electric Bukkake Publishing Corporation. My first suspicions of his claims came when I glanced at my personal library and saw no indications or records of these books ever entering my extensive archives.
I immediately contacted the BBC and Sailor Fuku Publishing Corporations. I explained in detail the claims made about the Electric Bukkake novels and requested that any records on this matter be immediately dispatched to my research centre. After several weeks of waiting, I eventually received contact from both intuitions. Both claimed to have no knowledge of or affiliation with Electric Bukkake Publishing. So a second mental red flag appeared for me.
Yes, and Charles contacted them ONE TIME, seven years ago. Maybe they forgot, or there was a staff change, or they didn't have any new info. Remember, Charles also said the indicated no knowledge.
I turned to Mr. Daniels' copious remarks, which are very detailed. It was from his own account that I started my next line of inquiry. I needed to PROVE that Mr. Daniels was in Asia at the time period he specified - late 1989. Mr. Daniels claimed to be indulging in "sex tourism" during his visit. In an attempt to verify this fact I telephoned every licensed brothel and massage parlour in Thailand. After a personal expense of £ 6,647.83 in telephone charges, I had not uncovered a SINGLE agency that claimed to have dealt with Mr. Daniels during this timeframe. So, if Mr. Daniels was lying about being on a sex holiday, he was also most probably lying about WHERE he acquired these novels.
OKAY, WOW! I've got a million things to say here.
Are you telling me you spent over 6,000 pounds calling sex joints in Thailand solely for research purposes??
Or is that what you told your parents when the phone sex bills finally arrived???
Also, Charles mentioned, IF YOU BOTHERED TO ALL THE DISCUSSIONS OVER THE YEARS, that he often used assumed names at these places - frequently recording his name as Gregor Samsa or Winston Smith.
Also - why would these places have detailed records of who indulged themselves 8 years ago????
WHY do you think Charles would prefer or even care to go to LICENSED ones? How easy do you think it is to tell the difference between an unlicensed one and a licensed one when you are drunk, possibly stoned off your ass, and looking for a cheap blow job at 3am?
I look at the name "Cyril Fitzgerald" living in "Tunbridge Wells", and maybe this is just cultural bias - but my mind doesn't picture someone who spends a lot of time in sex clubs in Thailand. Also -- WHY DID YOU ASSUME Thailand?? Charles has never mentioned Thailand! Am I wrong? Do you know something we don't? Or is this all just an elaborate excuse so your parents don't discover you've been wanking yourself to the tune of over £ 6,600???
I then called upon the various officially published reference materials at my disposal. I checked all reference works published by the BBC from 1985 to the present day. Not one made any reference to Electric Bukkake. The third red flag was now firmly poised.
So you looked it up in The Sixth Doctor Handbook - and it wasn't there? That's my best guess. Maybe you also checked with Doctor Who: A History of the Universe.
The next logical step was to contact Mr. Daniels directly.
The NEXT logical step? You mean after spending almost £ 7,000 on phone sex calls to Thailand?
I composed an electronic mail and sent it to Mr. Daniels on 23 March 1997, 03:35:16am (GMT).
Oooooooo...Needlessly precision documentation! You MUST be definitive!
The reply I received from Mr. Daniels was simply a re-iteration of his earlier statements, which I was currently investigating.
So your complaint is that he didn't change his story? His story was consistent, and that annoyed you?
In an offer to put a settlement to the issue, I requested that Mr. Daniels send me the original Japanese copies of the novels he purchased. Mr. Daniels wrote back and noted that the original novels were not for sale, but he would be happy to provide me with a selection of photocopies from the alleged novels.
Sounds more than reasonable to me. Downright co-operative.
I responded to Mr. Daniels, informing him that I currently maintain the largest Doctor Who library in all of Kent. I also mentioned that I would be grateful for his donation to that library and included my personal address in Tunbridge Wells.
You also possess the BIGGEST EGO in Kent. What did you do? Send an e-mail saying "HAND OVER THE BOOKS!! YOU WILL BE LIKE UZZZZZZ!!! YOU WILL BE LIKE UZZZZ!"
Mr. Daniels replied again. This time stating he still would not be willing to part with the originals. He elaborated that he would require some form of recompense if he ever did decide to part with the books. This was obvious ploy to throw off my investigation.
Yeah, and not like -- a justified desire to be paid for very rare memorabilia he OWNS.
To call Mr. Daniels' bluff I offered him limited access to my library on any future visits to Tunbridge Wells. Mr. Daniels feigned disinterest in exploring my archives and suggested it was unlikely he'd ever visit Tunbridge Wells.
Mr. Daniels, or Charles as I will call him. Began to forward the e-mails to me at this point. What Cyril offered was basically - "If you come to Tunbridge Wells, you can read any book in my "Okay To Touch Section", provide you read it at my house. Very generous!
To counter this evasiveness, I offered Mr. Daniels a trade, he flatly refused.
The trade you offered was a copy of "Invasion of the Cat People" autographed by Gary Russell!! That's CERTAINLY a fair trade for one of the rarest Doctor Who books on the entire planet!
Mr. Daniels claims - 1) He knows of and maintains possession of books that are unknown to the BBC and Sailor Fuku
And of course the BBC are omniscient - so he must be lying.
2) He was on a sex holiday, and yet no records of a Mr. Charles Daniels appear on any licensed adult physical contact institution in all of Thailand
An "adult physical contact institution"???? Is that what you call a whorehouse in Kent?? When was the last time anyone had physical contact with your institution??
3) He knows of and maintains possession of books that have eluded researchers such as myself and Peter Haining
OH!!! So you used Doctor Who: A Celebration as your reference source!! That explains it!
4) He knows of and maintains books that he is unwilling to donate to or trade with the largest privately held collection in all of Kent.
I think you should be less worried about your Doctor Who book collection, and more worried about financial donations that will help you into much needed therapy to confront and pay off your phone sex addiction!
Final Summation - If it isn't in my library -- it doesn't exist. And it's definitely not canon.
That's so beautiful I could almost cry. Can I use that as my .sig? The self-aggrandizing Hitler quote I've been using just pales in comparison!
I did pick up 5 copies of the "English translation" written by Mr. Daniels. One of these copies I have placed in my apocrypha section - a section I use to amuse my dinner guests. The other 4 have been placed firmly in my sub-library in the FRAUD section. The books in the fraud section are reserved for those highest offenders in the world of Doctor Who fiction, and once a work is placed there - it leaves a dark scar on the perpetrator's very soul!
BUT WAIT! You just said "If it isn't in my library -- it doesn't exist. And it's definitely not canon." And NOW you say it IS in your library - 5 times over!! So does this make it "extremely canon"?
Here's my final summation -
When I was in Asia in 1993, I came across and purchased an Electric Bukkake Doctor Who book. I thought it was just a curiosity, and never paid it any serious attention. When I heard about Charles Daniels' translation, I wrote him about my book and asked if that was the one he translated. It wasn't. I had found a book in the series that was about three books down the line from his most recent one. So Electric Bukkake MUST have published quite a few of these things before slipping quietly into the night.
OH! And here's my actual final summation -- you're a total wanker Cyril.