Seventy-Fifth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Squid Serial YYY - The Monster Of Paddington - The TARDIS returns to the english planet Paddington which the Doctor has been avoiding for some time. It is about 50 years after his last visit which is more than enough for the statute of limitations to have passed. The Doctor is shocked to walk in on his old lovable friend Paddington Bear slashing apart tourists, ripping them into tiny pieces, and eating their bloody intestines. The Doctor decides that the Ice Cream Vendors must be responsible, for absolutely no reason and well before they make their first appearance in the story. Whilst fabricating evidence to prove the Ice Cream Vendors guilty, the Doctor discovers the people of Paddington are at war with Galaxy Fun. Alpha Sintauri, the new appointed delegate for the American Galactic Technocratic Federation Of Pure Evil And Greed, asks her American government to help bring peace to Paddington. The American Federation responds by carpet bombing the entire planet in an attempt to bring about world peace. As the world is brutally destroyed in an attempt to make it safe for democracy, the Doctor discovers, much to even his own astonishment, that the Ice Cream Vendors ARE Guilty! Pleased that all of his fake evidence will become lost in a sea of incoming new evidence, the Doctor happily watches on as the combined American and British Paddington forces blow up the planet Mars. The Doctor discovers that the Paddington Bear had been given a new ice cream flavour "Liquid LSD Lime" and this is what caused his murderous rampages. After months of rehab the Paddington Bear is ready to rejoin his community as a productive member of society AND to sell the TV rights to his entire ordeal with various promotional appearances on the talk show circuit. The Doctor looks on with pride as the American and Paddington Space Forces start an ambitious plan to save the universe with a bold new plan of peace, understanding, and endless carpet bombings of the entire cosmos. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Exploding Murdering Adorable Paddington Bear Colouring Book Carpet Bombing & Nation Nuking - A DYI Guide Doctor Mysterio - Paddington Bear Mucho Explodo Extremo Fluffs - Jon Pertwee seemed artillery crazed for most of this story During a rousing rendition of the national anthem the Doctor keeps singing "Bog save.." instead of "God save.." Fashion Victims - Everyone in this story runs around with a badger glued to their head Goofs - The terrible ice cream mines of Paddington (you can mine ice cream too?? What about garlic ice cream?) seem to be equipped with drilling gear AND complete roller discos. Lip reading the Doctor in end of episode one results in the great line - "I *AM* The Doctor! Now stand aside while I speak French and molest myself with a gerkin!" Stuntman Prat Goodfall is killed 85 times!!! He was the only actor who could do a believable looking death so he did every single one - including the death of the evil imposter Paddington Bear and the women whom his character kills...making it a very difficult scene to follow. Technobabble - The Doctor explains that everyone on the planet resembles Prat Goodfall the moment before they die because the planet is held under the power of "Stuntastic Illusion" Links and References - The Doctor mentions that Jo Grant gladly made him a pot of hot tea when he was last on Paddington to Sarah Jane Smith, who then immediately karate kicks him in the groin Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor claims that without his influence the American Galactic Technocratic Federation Of Pure Evil And Greed wouldn't be half as impressive, and that he and his fascist historical friends were key members in the initial formation of the group. Dialogue Disasters - American Fed: We have the interest of peace and democracy at heart. Why only last year we took direct steps to purify democracy on the small planet Granada Three. Alpha Sintari: Granada Three? No life can survive on that planet. American Fed: Not anymore! Great progress, isn't it? Today Granada Three - TOMORROW..THE COSMOS! Dialogue Triumphs - President H. Clinton: But I'm only a fascist radical extremist. Sarah Jane: There's nothing ONLY about being a fascist radical extremist! Alpha Sintari: But obviously Doctor if you try to stop violent and unjust alien races then wouldn't you be obligated to fight the Earthlings? They have committed crimes against the Galaxy worse than the Dustbins, The Cybermen, and the Ice Warriors combined! The Doctor: What? Destroy the earth?? And violate my contract with BBC?? Viewers' Quotes - "I think what defines this story for me is the Paddington Bear ripping apart people and eating their internal organs. I never gave Paddington Bears much thought, but I started collecting them after that. I have drawn some Paddington Bear artwork inspired by this episode, it's got a lot of gooey blood and guts - wanna see?" - Father James O'Maley (1974) "This story had the WORST toupes in science fiction history, and I should know!" - William Shatner (1995) "A sequel is something that should only be attempted if - a. There is a lot of money to be made from it b. It will help in the sells of promotional toys c. It will provide an opportunity to have actors running around with badgers attached to their heads d. The entire staff has completely run out of new ideas It seems at all of these criteria, especially d., had been met in this case!" - James David Walker (1998) "People always bash this story 'cause of the badger 'fros! I mean what the hell is wrong with that?? I used to bave a badger 'fro in the 70s! It was solid." - Charles Daniels (2000) Rumors & Facts - This story appears so normal from the broadcast version and seems on the surface totally unremarkable. Most stories that appear unremarkable are actually quite dull with no interesting behind the scenes details. However this story is a sad exception. First Pertwee was annoyed at the costume designers insistence that he pounced about saving the galaxy with a badger strapped on top of his head. Pertwee was later disappointed when Paddington Bear and his promotional agents wanted to use Doctor Who as a platform for free advertisement. The end of Monster of Paddington was to originally be a 3 minute rock video featuring Paddington Bear playing his own cover of "Wild Thing" and dancing with Jon Pertwee in full costume. This music video was shot however it was edited out of story because the BBC was so disturbed by the footage that they immediately ordered it burned. A sick fan working in the Beeb at the time however saved the footage which has now become a staple of rare sad Who fandom. The Paddington Bear music video of Wild Thing is only sought out by the most depraved and completist fans. After reviewing my own bootleg of the video, taken direct from the film negative and not that inferior 1984 Nigerian cut, I can safely say that Paddington Bear video is by far the most embarrasing piece of Who ever concieved. The music has obviously been looped in over the action as Paddington Bear's hand motions are noticably off and seeing Paddington Bear do the tango with Jon Pertwee is too horrifying for words. It was this story that set Pertwee's mind for leaving the series once and for all -- and according to Pertwee this decision had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the fact that he knew they were sacking him the next story.