Seventy-Fourth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Bad Tunes Special Thanks To PM Andrew Hobbs for writing a hell of a lot of this and for providing musical lyrics Serial XXX - Death of the Dustbins On their way to Piranha Deathtrap 3, a "lovely" planet where the Doctor has managed to convince Sarah Jane Smith to "go for a dip", Sarah is yelling at the Doctor for suggesting she wear a bikini. The annoyed Super Groovy Doctor turns on loud disco music to tune her out, but fails miserably as she starts yelling about the fuel gauge pointing to "E". The Doctor assures her that they still have a few light years left on the tank and there is nothing to worry about. To prove this to her the Doctor starts to actively man the TARDIS console and pay attention to the flight path for once, which immediately causes the lights to go out and the TARDIS to crash land on a near by planet. The Doctor goes out exploring, leaving Sarah behind by telling her that her boots are untied, a fib that occupies her for a good twenty-five minutes until it's time to scream for the cliffhanger. Meanwhile The Doctor is startled by a bald man, Montel Williams, and immediately beats the crap out of the talk show host via Venusian Aikido. He runs away drunkenly and is quickly captured. After introducing himself to his captors he learns that they are roadies for Montley Crue and he is on the planet Texaco, the famed planet of petrol! The roadie expedition is to get gas for the Outer Colonies More Wicked Than Wicked Tour. Montley Crue desperately need gas fumes to sniff so they can get to work. However, the entire expedition has about $3.50 between them, which won't even by enough gas to get their broke asses home. They called Earth collect to wire more money, but they have decided not to send the money Western Union, so it could take a while. Back on the TARDIS, Sarah, finally realizing her boots weren't untied, steps out side where the bruised talk show host asks if he can help her. Sarah takes this to mean that she is weak and inferior, and beats the crap out of him to prove other wise. She then struts proudly toward a door marked "Employees Only", and is captured and sentenced to death when she walks too close to it. The Doctor and the expedition run outside as one spots what he thinks is a relief ship filled with cocaine. They soon discover otherwise as the ship's door opens and four Dustbins roll out. They recognize the Doctor and completely ignore him. The Dustbins immediately begin cleaning the incredibly filthy lavatories left by mad Montley Crue groupies. They fail to get much cleaning done, however, as the four Dustbins keep arguing over creative differences. The Doctor gets bored and wanders off and accidentally bumps into Sarah about to be sacrificed by the Employees to the Great Night Manager. The Doctor considers letting the ritual go forward, but decides against it when he realizes how much paper work he would have to fill out if he didn't bring her back alive. The Doctor attacks the assistant manager, knocking over the big bowl of hallucinogens that he was giving to Sarah. A fight ensues, the Dustbins barge in to immediately and viciously tidy up as soon as any damage is done. In all the confusion, the even more confused Sarah Jane Smith grabs the Doctor and pulls him into a refrigerator. Pursued by the Dustbins, the very cold Doctor and Sarah try to find their way around a vast network of caves surprisingly connected to the refrigerator. The Doctor tells Sarah to look behind her, and ditches her ass. The Doctor continues down a corridor until he is stopped by a big purple thing with a flash light for an eye, a hose for a neck, and a really annoying voice. She completely ignores the Doctor and instead kills the Dustbin sneaking up behind him. At the same time, Sarah has met an employee named Skippy. Skippy tells her that he and those like him are persecuted because they refuse to kiss the managers ass. As soon as the Doctor rejoins them, Skippy helps them to escape the Dustbins searching the caves. The Dustbins, meanwhile, have enslaved the employees and are forcing them to clean the lavatories while the Dustbins continue to argue incessantly. Skippy tells the Doctor and Sarah that the employees have long been the slaves of the Manager. He reveals that the manager supposedly lives behind the "Employees Only" door, though no one has seen him in years. The Doctor sends Sarah to rescue the members of the Montley Crue roadie expedition and get them gassed up. The Doctor and Skippy make their way to the "Employees Only" door. They try everything from kicking the door in to the Doctor's sonic screwdriver, but none of it works. Elsewhere, Sarah has rescued Jelly, the expedition's resident Bimbo. While she begins preaching to the girl about she needs to break the chains of oppression from their hiding place, Dust Linen has discovered the escape and the terrible mess they made in doing it, unable to handle this failure Dust Linen self destructs. The Doctor, frustrated with all the failed attempts to break in, finally just turns the knob. Inside, they find nothing but a peanut butter and jam sandwich, and a jelly baby. The Doctor switches the two objects around and while everyone stands around trying to figure out why he did that the Doctor steals eighty Gazillion pounds worth of petrol! The Doctor and Sarah make a hasty exit. Dude Calloway, pissed that he didn't have a better role, decides to blow up the Dustbin ship. The explosion ignites all the gasoline, destroying the entire planet, much to the delight of the nearby Shell system. Back in the TARDIS the Doctor contemplates the horrors he has just witnessed - the Dustbins have ended as a band of destruction and paved the way for the rise of Montley Crue. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who and the Montley Crue Action Squad! Doctor Mysterio EL LOCO PLANETO GASSO EXPLODO SPECTACULARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! Death of the Dustbins Pop Up colouring book Der Doktor Der Zooreheeven DustenBinen Vho? Fluffs - Jon Pertwee seemed to have a velvet fetish in this story "So you think you can distract me?! I have a mind like a steel trap, nothing can divert me from the cause of -- OOHHH! Come here and feel this fabric!" Fashion Victims - Sarah Jane Smith's potato sack dress and matching combat boots Goofs - The Dustbins spend more time arguing than cleaning and tidying in this story. The nude pictures tacked on the interior of the Dustbin ship randomly change between Jo Grant and a gold Dustbin to Lethbridge-Stewart and a rather ripe melon. The Dustbins test their new power cleaning tools on small models of the TARDIS. Do all Dustbins ships include Dapol TARDISes???? What happened to Montel Williams? After he stumbles into the TARDIS after two beatings he is never addressed again. Is he still wandering in the TARDIS dazed and confused? Technobabble - The Doctor explains that Montley Crue's music has risen so high due to the mysterious "talent vacuum" Links and References - The Doctor explains to Sarah that the retracting Disco Ball is one of the oldest and most important of the TARDIS' special functions. Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor explains that once the powers of Montley Crue were so hideous and he and the Bastard had to team up to defeat them. Dialogue Disasters SARAH: Sun glasses. Sun lotion. Water Wings. DOCTOR: You won't need those for a start. SARAH: But we're going swimming, you said! DOCTOR: But you can't drown on Piranha. SARAH: I can drown anywhere, and you can't stop me you chauvinist pig! DOCTOR: No, but the water can. It's effervescent bubbles support you. SARAH: So it's like swimming in a bath of Epson salts? DOCTOR: More like a glass of Alka Seltzer, which is what I need after talking to you. SARAH: Well what would you suggest I take then? DOCTOR: This. SARAH: A bikini!? You just want me to wear that so you can ogle my body you pig! DOCTOR: Yes. OHH! I see, yes that's a problem. Give me a minute....Okay take two. I have a new reply - Sorry, I just thought you might be more comfortable in a bathing suit instead of a Potato Sack! SARAH: Doctor, the needles on "E". DOCTOR: Oh, don't worry. We've still got a good ten, maybe twenty light-years. Well, there goes that argument. SARAH: Don't we have emergency power? DOCTOR: Eh? SARAH: Emergency power? DOCTOR: What for? The TARDIS never runs out of power! SARAH: But we have lost power! DOCTOR: Oh. Well, maybe if I flick a few more switches something will happen. SARAH: What? Don't you know what the switches do? DOCTOR: No, not really. I just flick random switches and hope for the best. Now let's see what this one does. Oh good. If that hadn't worked... ...oh fuck. CALLOWAY: Aye, he's scared of the wee salt shakers. DOCTOR: Look, I'm not afraid! I might be! But I just don't want any more salt on this ham. What did you guys do, drop it in the dead sea? This is devil brine! Dialogue Triumphs DOCTOR: Inside each of those shells is a living, bubbling, lump of hate. ROADIE: Wot? The Dustbins? DOCTOR: No! The Montley Crue groupies! DUST LINEN: HUMAN FEMALE HAS LEFT A MESS! I HAVE FAILED! I HAVE FAILED! HUMAN FEMALE HAS LEFT A MESS! I HAVE FAILED! SELF DESTRUCT - I HAVE FAILED! I HAVE FAILED! I HAVE FAILED! Viewers' Quotes - "The Doctor meets the Dustbins and some of them die." - Excerpt from the never released "JNT's - The Stories" book which was to follow JNT's witty ramblings after The Companions "Hey!! SOME GUY IS SELLING THIS STORY IN COLOR ON EBAY!!!!!!" - Idiot who posted to RADW thinking Death was in black and white (1999) "I'm working on a new story, Deja Vu Of The Dustbins, it will basically be a retelling of every single Dustbin story of the last 20 years featuring the 7th Doctor, Frobisher and a gratuitous 50 page long sex scene between Ace and Benny." - I dunno about YOU but this guy sold me on the book idea at Gally 1999! Anyone know this dude? Does he need a proofreader? "This story has every bad science fiction cliche - technology too advanced to understand, single minded robots run amok, strange alien worlds. What we need are the GOOD science fiction cliches - Nude Underwater Nymph Fairies, Space Girl Assassins in leather straps carrying huge phallic guns, space Nazi domination chicks. You know, the cool stuff." - Charles Daniels in a moment of clarity (2000) Rumors & Facts - It was no secret that by the filming of "Death of the Dustbins" and the simultaneously filming documentary "Tired Of The Same Old Crap" that things were not all well between the Dustbins themselves. For months they had been fighting publicly about everything from the proper way to empty trash receptacle to who's turn it was to trip the old lady. Eventually, it all exploded when Dust Linen sued Crawl McDusty, McDusty sued Swingo Carrpetcleaner, and in the confusion, Gorge Harrytrash sued himself. It was plain to see that the future of the Dustbins was on shaky ground, especially when Dust Linen self destructed. Dust was replaced by an identical Dustbin who filmed the rest of "Tired Of The Same Old Crap", including the infamous roofing scene and "The Long and Dusty Road", recorded the Dustbins final album, and argued incessantly with the other three. With the release of "Dusty Road", it was unclear if fans would ever see their favorite Obsessive-Compulsive baddies again. It was at this time the infamous Letts-Dicks team began making plans to turn the show over to a new production team in order to devote more time their secret time travel experiments that could secure the show's future... Let It Rust (Linen/McDusty) When I find myself in some weird pub the bloody Marys get to me speaking words of slobbiness Let it Rust And when the skillet's rusting away the psychotic voices call to me singing words of weirdness Let it Rust Let it Rust Let it Rust Let it Rust, Let it Rust What does it really matter? Let it Rust And when all the broken bottles gather cutting your mother's feet the dirty knife is not important Let it Rust And when you need to write a really sappy song that people associate with your break up just make up some drivel. Let it Rust