Sixty-Ninth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Sit On My Face And Tell Me That You Love Me! Special Thanks To Paul Curtis for title Serial QQQ - Full-Frontal In Space - To avoid having to go through the metal detector and an extensive search at a spaceport, Jo Grant rips off her clothes and dances provocatively at the Squidoid space authorities. Almost immediately Jo finds herself dirty dancing to freedom with the Doctor acting as her talent agent. When they emerge into the world of the future outside the people see them as their most vile enemies - BBC Employees. The Draconians, an alien humanoid race rivalling Earth for the control of television, have taken over the BBC. The people blame The Draconians for all the terrible television on and speak of the golden age of Eastenders, Teletubbies, Noel Edmunds, and Channel 5's amazing game shows. The Doctor and Jo however see the true face of the bad television culprits: Americans! The Americans are secretly controlling world television transmissions, editing out nudity and sexuality, but luckily still pushing good old wholesome violence, slaughter, and cheap jokes about lesbians. A rescue ship takes the Doctor and Jo to earth where they are accused of being Star Trek fans. The Doctor is sent to Moonbase III, where he meets the last surviving outcast Blakes 7 and Star Trek fans. To everyone's surprise The Bastard shows up! Together the Bastard and Jo rescue the Doctor. It is revealed that the Bastard wants to start a war during sweeps week between the forces of the Draconian BBC and the entire viewing public of earth, using the Americans and their hypnotic high definition televisions. The Doctor travels in the Bastard's space ship as Jo urges him to join the forces of evil. Jo Grant tries very hard to get the Doctor to agree the Bastard's viewpoint that being a psychotic evil bastard is a lot of fun! Stubborn, and still incredibly angry at how the Bastard totally abused his phone privileges when they were roomates back at the Academy, the Doctor refuses to join his side. The Doctor escapes from the Bastard and leaves Jo to fend for herself. Upon arriving back on earth the Doctor is captured by the BBC who believe he is their mortal enemy, the great great grandson of Mary Whitehouse. The Doctor eventually convinces the Draconians to cancel The Mr. Blobby Show 2500 and to the truth behind the hostilities on earth. Meanwhile Jo is vacationing with The Bastard on the terrifying and bleak American Planet, New Detroit. The Doctor follows after Jo, and finally discovers her working at a strip club in the capital city of New Detriot. There he notices this part of the planet is eeriely clean, and deduces the TRUE Masterminds behind this plot - THE DUSTBINS! The Doctor wins the day but the Bastard escapes, as per usual. The Dustbins laugh and flee after the Doctor is severely injured by a crazy American named "Bubba Joe Briggs". Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Full-Frontal Picture Book Doctor Mysterio Loco Slutto Extremo The Official Jo Grant Gets Her Kit Off With The Dustbins Colouring Book Fluffs - Pertwee seemed British for most this story (obviously!) Pertwee keeps interrupting people, asking if anyone has seen his pen, even in scenes where he is clearly elsewhere in the storyline. Fashion Victims - The Bastard wearing a silver leisure suit, a cowboy hat, large silver mirror sun glasses, gold chains, and generally dressing like Las Vegas casino trash whilst on New Detroit Fashion Triumphs - Jo clad in nothing but cowgirl boots and an orange feather boa Goofs - If the Bastard's device makes people see their greatest fear, why does Jo see Spot from Carnival of Munsters? He was a down right friendly looking dragon..well other than when he destroyed everything. Jo splits her trousers while trying to escape the Japanese business men in episode three. Her tights change colour from scene to scene (but luckily on some occasions she isnt wearing any at all!). Big strings holding up the Doctor further betrays the obvious stunt puppet that was used in many of the fight scenes in this story. I can see how they might use a proper human stunt double, but did they really think mere puppetry would be adequate for complex kickboxing fight scenes?? Technobabble - "Of course! The hypnotic ions of this television set are controlled by Ameritronic energy!!" Links & References - The Bastard says he hasnt had such fun with Jo since she decided to "grant" him conjugal visits in prison. (The She Devils) Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor complains that at the academy the Bastard would call phone sex lines for the forces of evil and run up their sacred Phone Bill of Rassilon. It is suggested that the incredibly obscene phone bills still owed to RassilonCom, The Phone Company of Rassilon, were part of the reason both the Bastard and the Doctor fled Gallifrey. Dialogue Disasters - Moon Guard 1: Where do you think that Doctor fellow is now? Moon Guard 2: He escaped on a lightship, he's probably half way to Pluto by now. Doctor: Umm..excuse me, Dave, John...have either of you seen my pen? Oh, oh..we're filming? Sorry. Draconian Head of Programming: But what's wrong with Mr. Blobby 2500? Dialogue Triumphs - Department of Serials: You know me, I just can't start my day without a nice, refreshing Mind Probe. The Bastard to the Head of the Draconian BBC - No one is more excited by your proposal to bring back The Clangers, than I. Bastard with contempt for his allies: Dustbins! Stupid tin ashtrays! The great and rambling speeches from Jo, The Voice of Reason - JO: Look Doctor, the Bastard is just trying to offer you a fair part of the deal, you dumb ass. You are really pissing me off opposing him every week! Why don't you just admit that you've lost this one and get on to having fun conquering the universe in a blood bath of destruction and mayhem? I don't know about you, but that sounds a lot more fun to me! Doctor: All my life I have opposed your evil, and I would never join forces with such a Bastard! He ran up the phone bills and..ohh..is that my pen? Bastard: In a reminiscent mood are you Doctor? Poor Miss Grant, you have my deepest sympathies. And dear Doctor..I took your pen and threw it out the air lock. (Evil bastard laugh) Viewers' Quotes - "The model filming in this story was excellent. I mean just LOOK at those models!" - Jimmy JJ Walker (1974) "They were my favorite Monsters. I let everyone know that those were just the sort of monsters I'd like to deal with. So of course they said 'Piss off Jon, next week we're doing Dustbins again.'" - Jon Pertwee, on my Quija Board (1999) "Doctor Who will go on FOREVER! There will be no end to the Dustbins, the Bastard, or the sluts the Doctor travels with. Every generation is a new potential race of Doctor Who fans. I tattooed a Dustbin on my retina, wanna see? Huh? Huh?" - The most annoying fan polled in the BBC's Audience Research Report (1973) "The Draconian BBC is of course a fascist oppressive tool of the crushing police state which has enslaved earth. However the quality of programming is well worth both the licence fee and the state of fear and oppression we so greatly enjoy." - Typical BBC Audience Research Report answer (2540) "Full-Frontal In Space is very good TV porn. The very horny nature of the conflict works extremely well - both sides are convincingly aroused, and Morecome Puke...manages to avoid making the Draconians too kinky." - Charles Daniels, Dr Who Television Companion, page 243 (1998) Rumors & Facts - Due to strict laws against nudity and sexual situations in various countries, most notably America, this entire six episode story was re-edited when sent abroad into a totally impossible to understand 15 minute version, a vast majority of which was Jon Pertwee asking for his pen. Indeed because of this, for it's American premiere the story's title was changed from "Full-Frontal In Space" to "Doctor Who Searches For His Pen Across The Cosmos". This story was not well recieved by American audiences for just this reason. When the story was finally released on video various mistakes in the packaging led American buyers to believe the story was in black and white, spanish, and 1500 minutes long. Even though this hurt the sales in the population of Doctor Who fans, loyal buyers and watchers of pornography bought this video in great numbers. This is why the story is now one of the best selling Doctor Who videos ever released. The audience reaction in England was strong from the start. This story was instantly popular and spun off tv-tie in novels, magazines, and even dodgy colouring books. Several political groups complained of the pornographic materials contained in the adventure and it's subsequent spin offs. One member of the House of Lords summed up their objections best when he said "However in the world am I expected to keep up with this stuff and buy it all?! I like pornography, as the tabloids will tell, but there is such a thing as too much of a good thing!"