Sixty-First Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Action Special Thanks To David McIntee For Plot Suggestions And Character Ideas Serial JJJ - I'm Dreamin' - Against the advice of a wised and beautiful wiccan priestess, a leading archaeological professor orders haggis ala frog. This creates a series of disgusting dishes and foods to be prepared which starts an unstoppable chain of terror which ultimately leads to the professor's death and the Doctor's shoes being completely covered in sick. After the Doctor kicks the dead professor off his leg and cleans his shoes he discovers the entire village has been surrounded by an impenetrable barrier of warmth. Not necessarily scolding, flesh melting heat, but an eerie warmness which feels a bit uncomfy and unnatural, for miles! The Bastard - posing as a vicar with a drinking problem - has been influenced by a television show he saw named "Bewitched". Now, gathering arcane and strange texts from such places as The Great Library of Alexandria, The Lost Library of The Children Of Cthulhu, and Borders book store, the Bastard has the power to summon the strange and powerful Lew Grade. The Bastard plans to use him to take over the BBC and produce more adventure shows. With their combined powers they generate a demon servant named Bok, who is of course played by Roger Moore. Meanwhile the Doctor shows the Brigadier how to walk through the warmth barrier by running really fast on his tippy-toes. Before the Doctor can take pictures of the Brigadier looking ridiculous as he bounces around inside the heat barrier he is attacked by a crazed band of Morris Dancers. The dancers mock him as they strike him over the head with handkerchiefs and slap him silly. It is revealed, somewhat pointlessly, that the Bastard has the Morris Dancers solely under his control. He is able to control them not so much through cunning or magic but because no one else could be bothered. The Doctor brilliantly joins in on the dance and is able to kung fu kick his way to freedom. After leaving the Morris Dancers for dead the Doctor meets Lew Grade who offers him power. The Doctor happily accepts and they go after the Bastard together. The Doctor and Lew Grade join forces and are about to destroy the Bastard once and for all when Jo interposes herself - much to the joy of the audience. Jo pleads for the Bastard's life and Lew Grade, confused by this act of self-abasement laughs so hard he explodes. The Doctor loses his new powers upon Lew Grades' destruction and the Bastard is finally captured. Book(s)/Other Related - Lew Killed Doctor Who! LEW, BASTARD! Doctor Mysterio El Loco Demonus Roger Moore The Frog And Peach - A Restaurant Guide Fluffs - Pertwee seemed as futile as resistance for most this story There is some confusion whether Bok was SUPPOSE to actually be Roger Moore or if that was merely his appearance Fashion Victims - Jo Grant is once again wardrobe impaired as she proudly sports a candy cane top hat, orange feather boa, and 24" platform shoes! Goofs - A sign post next to the warmth barrier says "Weevil's End 1" However in the backround dialogue of scene 22 in episode 2 Benton mentions that the warmth has a Barrier of FIVE MILES This has often confused people however I have my own new theory which fixes everything. Benton can't count. I am sure people will come up with examples of him counting correctly, so I think the best answer is that the warmth reversed the counting flow. Garvin uses an obvious water pistol during his fight with Benton. This seems silly until Garvin squirts him and Benton begins to scream "MY GOD!! IM WET!!! IM SOAKED!!! THE HUMANITY!!!!!" During all this commotion and chaos, how do Benton and Yates have time to properly cross dress? I just don't buy it. Technobabble - In Astonishment the Doctor screams "Jo look! Benton and Yates have stumbled into the Izzard factor!" Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor mentions he once had lunch with Hitler and Genghis Khan He reports that it was a pleasant meal but both his guest considered him a bit of a pushy egomaniac. Dialogue Disasters - Jo: Oh yeah the occult and all that wacky magic bit, that's my bag! Dialogue Triumphs - Brigadier: Chap with the wing-collar and flares: Five rounds rapid. Harry, the TV producer, asks Professor Horner what do to if the Devil puts on an appearance on live TV - "Use your imagination, just tell everyone it was Noel Edmunds." The Doctor meets Satan and asks calmly: "Would you enjoy a Jaffa Cake my old boy?" Viewers' Quotes - "Every so often a story comes along which just stuns the hell out of you because it's just...weird. This was one of those stories for me. This just freaks me out man." - William S. Burroughs (1974) "Well this story is a beloved classic which is usually hailed as one of the greatest examples in the shows histroy..so I'll just assume it sucks. Pertwee was satan. I'm more a Cushing fan myself." - Some Deranged Fan Dressed as a Romulan at Gally (1999) "I thought Sean Connery was a better Bok." - Andrew Hobbs (1999) "Morris Dancers, Helicopters, Roger Moore, Warmth...this has it all. I like ice cream." - A Half Dazed Charles Daniels (1999) "The musical number at the end was by far the best bit." - The summary line of audience appreciation results (1971) Rumors & Facts - There was a long standing rumor that a helicopter was destroyed for this story. Looking at the budget of the program at the time it's hard to believe they'd throw away an old egg carton as that might very well constitute their best prop for an alien starship. The exploding helicopter footage was taken from the Fox TV special "When Stock Footage Explodes". If we are to take this story into evidence of the occult it seems that all one needs to create an incantation to summon a Saint is a passing knowledge of how to sing various nursery rhymes, read Dr Seuss backwards, and dance about to the teletubby theme song. For fun the writers decided to write in yet another destruction of Atlantis scenario. It was immediately spotted and recognised as a major continuity problem, so in the time honoured tradition of Doctor Who it was immediately put to priority one status for filming. The popular children's puppet character Sooty appears as one of the Bastard's devil-worshipping acolytes in episode five. He was a late addition to the cast, replacing Gonzo. At the end of season 8 The Bastard had grown incredibly popular. Bastardmania was apporaching full swing and to capitalize quickly on the demand for more Bastard Merchandise I'm Dreamin' ended with Roger Delgado singing his new single, which for a brief period dominated UK charts - "I see my beard, in my mind The beard of evil that circles time It's full when others stubble find To seek an itch they always grind Infernal Wisdom is my guide I AM, The Bastard! Through purple haze my Tardis flies to taste the secret source of life An essence Hendrix can't deny exists Within, outside, behind, the attitude of venetian blinds I am the Bastard! My voyeur distracts the corset of time Lew knows you say, but are you heard? Lew's searching indeed to find the beard that grows so darkly in the night! toward that growth I guide my flight As razors move to end my kind metallic teeth begin to grind with sword of truth I turn to sight the satanic parlours of the night Is your beard before your mind? Grow me! Am I...The Bastard?"