Thirty-Sixth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Handicrafts Special Thanks To David A. McIntee, somewhat for the suggestion of the title but mostly so I could slap David A. McIntee's established name on my Programme Guide. So go out and buy all the books by him you can find, I have! Serial JJ - The Macrame Terror - The Doctor and friends find themselves in a decidedly futuristic and tasteless holiday camp for the socially sad. The members of the holiday camp make tacky knotted work home crafts. The Doctor wonders why the hell these people would waste their time in such a silly way and starts to expose them to poison gas out of pity. Polly and Jamie think this is cruel at first but start to join in the fun when Ben tries to report them. Ben is talking about settling down, being a member of the community, and showing around really quaint things he's done with thread and chord. Jamie is sickened and wants to gas him immediately but the Doctor explains his mind has been influenced by a local housewives club and he is no longer responsible for his actions. The Doctor is then informed by a local, Methadone, that giant crabs are in control of this macrame manufacturing mischief! The Doctor laughs his ass off for several minutes before kneeing the poor insane fellow in the groin. Later it turns out that the man was correct. Apparently some giant crabs have found a planet so pathetic that there is a market for imported macrame items and they have turned the unknowing members of the holiday camp into sad gits. The Doctor nicknames these macrame loving crustaceans "Macra" for short and quickly devises the following recipe for the crabs - THE MACRA TERIYAKI Ingredients * 1 tablespoon vegetable oil * 340 pound teriyaki seasoned Macra cut into 1/4-inch thick strips * 2 cups (8-ounces) broccoli slew mixture * 1/4 cup teriyaki sauce * 1/4 cup water * 3 cups cooked rice * 2/3 cup evil Directions Heat a gigantic skillet over medium-high heat until hot. Add Macra; cook and stir 3 to 5 minutes or until Macra is dead. Add broccoli slew mixture, teriyaki sauce and water. Reduce heat to medium, cover and steam in poisonous gas 3 to 5 minutes until Macra is tender. Stir in rice; cook and stir 2 to 3 minutes until combined and thoroughly heated. Serve immediately in case Macra wakes up. Makes 400 servings. Nutrition Each serving provides 310 calories, 26 grams protein, 4 grams fat, 40 grams carbohydrate, 2 grams dietary fiber, 56 milligrams cholesterol 1036 milligrams sodium, 503 grams of terror, and a very distinctive gamey taste. After cooking up the improvised recipe the Doctor holds a feast for everyone who has been freed of their sick macrame addiction. Watching drugs, sex, crime, and violence spread through the holiday camp the Doctor smiles, kung fu kicks some adoring locals, and runs into the TARDIS with his companions before it gets vandalized. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Macrame Menace Doctor Mysterio - Crabs El Loco Itchy-Stitchy Handicrafts For The Mentally Insane The Doctor Who Alien Menace Cookbook Fluffs - Troughton seemed violent for most of this story This story is notorious for fluffs as the cast often mumbles and rants on and on about macrame projects and it becomes hard to tell what has actually been scripted and what the actors are just making up and bullshitting on the spot. At times people will have nervous breakdowns and scream wild obscenities when they run out of thread to knot Fashion Victims - The Doctor's is forced to wear a silly wig that is made for him by Ben out of scraps of corduroy. "Who the hell wants this on their head??" asks the Doctor. Later he throws himself into a giant clothes dryer to have an excuse to lose the wig but then his goofy hair sticks straight up due to static electricity Goofs - Flippy The Wonder Crab is played by different crabs in episodes 1 and 4. [Several crustacean union leaders are up in claws about this issue] With voices like the Macra have why didn't they just go into radio, voice over on commericals, or operate kinky phone sex services instead of dominating a macrame cult? Technobabble - The Doctor explains the gassing of the macrame cult members is okay via "the complex intricacies of the oscillating morality damn funny thing to do" theory Dialogue Disasters - JAMIE: Would you call the ladies off? I'm frightened what they might do to me! DOCTOR: Don't you like rompy sex Jamie? JAMIE: Aye that's fine but I think they are trying to weave me into a damn pretzel! The Doctor discovering that Jamie and Ben are sleeping in the same quarters: "Well, this is gay!" On the BBC audio version narrator Colin Baker describes Jamie "tossing restlessly" while in the same room with Ben. The Controller echoes Dynaman - "Dynamen! Check your watches!" The PILOT shouts: The holiday camp is in the hands of grotesque macramers! Dialogue Triumphs - VILLAGE IDIOT: It's a responsible job! METHADONE: Have fun while you can before they CRAFT ALL OVER YOU! The Doctor and Companions watching people hum happily while making tacky handicrafts - DOCTOR: Who the hell wrote this script? He should be sent to the danger gang, not us. DOCTOR: You can't arrest now that we've humoured you all and told you we actually like your macrame crap! DOCTOR: Bad laws were made to be broken! POLLY: But wait, that law is perfectly sensible! DOCTOR: Good laws were made to be broken! JAMIE: EH? Are you so sure about that? DOCTOR: Damn it! There are laws here and I want to break them! OKAY?! Rumors & Facts - This story had several working titles some of which were - "The Sad Bastards", "The Macrame Menace", "A Bad Case of The Crabs", and "The Girly-Men". The opening episode of this story saw the debut of the first new opening title sequence since Doctor Who began in 1963. Variety Lamby found the original opening sequence too scary so a new sequence with Troughton making silly faces and different prowl-around effects were generated to make the opening more wacky. Ironically this new opening scared many more children with Troughton appearing out of nowhere then partially dissolving into a strange eerie vortex, so that makes me sadistically happy. Some fans claim that in frame 24 the prowl-around effect spells the word "Sex" but these are the same people who watch Disney films too closely. Only one giant crab was built, it was built by an incredibly incompetent man, and it shows. For a missing story this has a surprisingly few bizarre rumors floating about. The only real rumor is that the locals of the holiday camp are happy go lucky charming actors. Personally I feel they are happy go lucky but I'd really love to smash their annoying little skulls in with a bat.