Sixtieth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Jelly Developed From A Storyline Proposed by David McIntee Serial HHH - Ornery In Space - The Time Lords decide it's time to use the Doctor for some fun and games. Allowing him to travel in time and space for the first time since the last time it served the plot the Doctor drags along Jo because...well..he does. The Doctor and Jo have been dispatched 500 years in the future on a planet exactly like a quarry located on the planet earth. The Time Lords have sent them to hit the owners of a Theme Park for copyright violations. In order to assist them in their deadly mission they have equipped the Doctor with a demat gun and Jo with dayglo pink go-go boots. On the planet Inaquarry, the Doctor finds that a very nasty and naughty man named Captain Bent has built a really scary ghost train to scare a small colony of hicks that were already there. The Doctor speculates that Captain Bent has studied earth history, and in particular used the popular series "Scooby Doo" as the inspiration for his plans. The Doctor tries to work out the complex mechanical clockwork of the ghost train as he sends Jo off to investigate the elderly Mister Witherspoon who dismisses the ghost train as tricks of light and shadow. During the conflict between the Deliverance cast rejects and the money hungry carnival promoters, the Bastard arrives, determined to get the all-powerful fast-food concession, which he hopes to build upon the site of the universe's first burger joint. In the way of his masterplan are the primitives, who once created the perfect burger, but then fell foul of Mad Cow Disease. The plot is foiled when the fast-food concession machinery turns against the Bastard's evil and Jo Grant whips off Witherspoon's mask to reveal he was behind the ghost train all along. Again, 10 minutes of Jo Grant running in place and doing gratuitous high jump kicks. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Gets Ornery In Space Doctor Mysterio Stubberdo Shooty Shooty Bastarderro YIKES!! I Was A Doctor Who Ghost Train! Fluffs - Pertwee seemed shaggy for most this story Fashion Victims - Jo's ridiculous huge green belt with "Remove To Party" written in gold lettering The colonists all wear banjos around their necks Goofs - 500 years in the future carnival games are fair and really as easy as they seem - vision of utopia or crap? You decide. Jo's skepticism that the TARDIS is mobile is odd as she has obviously stolen it for joy rides through history as the Time Lords watched on voyeuristically...well that's what this story on SADWANK suggests. If the Bastard was so ready to kill the Doctor, why does he offer him cotton candy and coke? Technobabble - The Doctor suggests that "carnivalic circusian energy" is what makes the carnival games so easy to win in the 25th century Untelevised Misadventures - "I met the Pope once..which one? All of them. Splendid chaps, all of them. I rather like their hats, I designed them myself you know. Of course that was a rather slow day for me. So, are you a minor deity or just a weird giant fish of some sort?" - The Doctor tries to chat up a giant Cthulhoid Monster gratuitously placed in the backround Dialogue Disasters - "There's no animal life, just some birds and insects." - The Doctor seconds before being mauled by a grizzly bear Dialogue Triumphs - Doctor: I am every kind of scientist, I'm not good at any one science, but I know how to cover my ass. Now step aside! Capt. Bent: All colonists are inbred banjo-lovin' hicks...how do you think you become a colonists in the first place? Witherspoon: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling time lords! The BASTARD: It's always innocent bastards who suffer. BASTARD: One must rule or serve. That is the basic law of life. Why do you hesitate? Surely it's not loyalty to the Time Lords, who truly and completely screwed you over. DOCTOR: I guess I never thought of it like that. I want to see the universe, not rule it. BASTARD: Why not? DOCTOR: Well, because, it's..well...I guess I never thought of that EITHER. BASTARD: Admit it Doctor! You wish to rule the universe as MUCH as I! DOCTOR: Isn't that as much as ME? BASTARD: AS I! DOCTOR: Drat! Viewers' Quotes - "This classic Doctor Who story is well remembered because for being the 3rd Doctor's first spacefaring gun wielding mission for the Time Lords. And fortunately those are redeeming factors in the eyes of many people!" - Gordonia Roxburghlebag, The Gaytrix Issue 8 "The story was no where near as dull as the landscape." - A Chartered Accountant praising the story (1971) "Yowzers!!!" - Anonymous Doctor Who Fan (1972) "In a existential way, the flaw with this story is the story itself." - Charles Daniels with a headache (1999) Rumors & Facts - It was long believed that this story takes place on the planet Exarius however in 1997 the original script was discovered at a Fish 'n Chip takeaway. Apparently the fish had been wrapped in the script for several months before a Doctor Who fan noticed and got the remaining pages of the script from the proprietor. After a careful investigation the planet is now known to be called Inaquarry, a strange and alien name of unknown meaning. Many of the actors in this story went on to smaller and lesser things, most living in complete obscurity or in a gutter. The exception to the rule was Mary Ashe played by Bambi Knickers, who went on to a long standing role in the infamous Bambi line of adult films such as 'Bambi Goes To College', 'Bambi's Big Break" and the most recent release 'Everyone Loves Bambi'. The most interesting rumour going around is that this story shares the same plot of an episode of Scooby Doo, Where Are You? In actuality this story shares the same plot of about a dozen episodes of Scooby Doo. I myself prefer the one where the gang meets Laurel and Hardy in the Mystery Machine, but I digress.