Thirty-Third Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Smoke Serial FF - The High Philanderers - The TARDIS lands during a bitchin' party in a Scottish castle in 1746. Sure somewhere out there is the infamous battlefield of Culloden where the Scots and Bonnie Prince Charlie have been defeated but at the Campbell's castle it's all fun and games. A group of drunken traitors smoke cannabis, drink whiskey, and have their way with their choice of sheep that look like women or women that look like sheep. A dazed loyalist, Jamie McCrimmon of the clan McCrimmon, wanders into the castle and is surprised to see everyone celebrating. He is then convinced that the Scots have won. Suddenly a band of drunken British men charge the castle, somewhat because they hate all Scots and are at war but mostly because they want to get dope, booze, sex, and somewhere cleaner than England to stay to avoid getting dysentery. The English try to hold their fornicating foes prisoner in their own castle just as a matter of custom however they are easily bribed and bought off as is also custom. An untrustworthy English man, well one of them, decides he should sell all the Scottish people into slavery, pocket the money, and take the castle and it's riches for himself. The Doctor however finds a good store of flintlock rifles and helps the Scottish people use the too easily intoxicated English soldiers as target practice. After all the Englishmen are killed the Scottish soldiers go off to France and start to kill everyone there as well. The Doctor can't bare the thought of going to France, not even with the sole expressed purprose of killing the French, so he goes back into the TARDIS with Ben, Polly, a whole bunch of booze and dope, and the insane Scottish fellow Jamie McCrimmon of the Clan McCrimmon on the promise that he will teach the Doctor how to play the bag pipes and swear drunkenly at his adversaries in a thick Glaswegian accent. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who-The High Philanderers Reefer Madness Braveheart - The Extra Naughty Edition Fluffs - Troughton seemed high off cheap weed for most of this story A Scottish piper in this story apparently has dialogue everyone in the story can understand but which is simply too accented for anyone in the entire world to figure out. The best I can do is the scene when the Englishmen first show up it sounds like he says "Ah, duck those english dastards." Fashion Victims - I may not be an expert in Scottish history but a kilt reading "Lift this for a good time" is probably not an accurate, definitely not a tasteful, clan plaid. The Doctor wears a paper hat shaped like a penguin to impress young women with his artistic ability and to annoy his companions Goofs - The English leader threathens to give his men "six lashes with his long pink whip" but we never see this whip in the story. The Jacobite rebellion is erroneously portrayed as a booze guzzling orgy party rather than depicting this as a regular part of 18th century Scottish life. Links - The Doctor mentions a similar party/orgy he was at in Ireland but with more booze and mushy peas Technobabble - The Doctor mentions that the "Scotronic Device" must be broken as that is the essential TARDIS circuit that stops them from ever landing in Scotland Dialogue Disasters - "There is no plot!" Troughton remarks in the middle of the story SCOTSMAN: Me sheep be the prettiest lass in the boggy slimy swamp I call 'ome! ENGLISHMAN: Wait! First we pillage THEN we burn, right? Dialogue Triumphs - DOCTOR (to two Scottish lasses): Will you both give me your word that you'll molest me? ENGLISHMAN (In the initial orgy): Take a man around the rear, sergeant. DOCTOR (the keen observer): I've never seen a sober Irishman before. Rumors & Facts - This was a bizarre historical as it didn't completely ignored nearby historical events so much as mock them and use them as excuses to make fun of the English. This could be due to the bizarre circumstances behind it's scripting. Ewan McShane commissioned a freelance writer named Preston Gout about writing an historical adventure. When he heard Preston had no ideas for a story and only really was able to hold the job cause he's uncle was Head of the Department of Serials he suggested a story about Culloden might be a good idea. Some weeks later he checked up to discover that Preston had made no progress on na historical story but had written a lengthy rambling letter about his "cold den". At the last minute McShane had to script something but he was a notorious alcoholic. All four scripts were written hastily under the influence of vodka, rum, whiskey, and cheap lager. He met the deadlines and gave himself proper credit. It was then that the Head of the Department of Serials demanded his nephew get screen credit although he never wrote any of the script, never game up with a single idea, and was reportly spending a month in an extremely cold den to "get into the vibe of things". Ewan McShane was forced to praise Preston Gout's screenwriting abilities to keep his job but at the last moment in a show of support the title makers credited the writers as "Ewan McShane and Pretentious Git". This was the last script a Scottish person was allowed to write for Doctor Who for a very long time.