The One Hundred and Fifty-Sixth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' I've been drinking lots of elderflower wine, and apple wine, and silver birch wine, and some mead...so let's rock! Serial 7K - Silly Nemesis - South America, 1988. A group of small Nazis protect a tiny bow with their lives as they approach a remote airport. Three hundred and fifty years, two months, and fifteen minutes earlier, Lady Peinforte and her man servant Baldrick purchase a cheap, disposable time machine, which are common place in 1638 Britain. All they bring with them on their journey is three biscuits, a copy of The Radio Times to read during the flight, and a mysterious and darkly powerful silver arrow - which they acquired at Marks and Spencers. 23 November 1988 Ace leaves the TARDIS, turns back to look at the Doctor still inside the machine, and makes a strange observation - "Professor! The TARDIS!! It's...It's gone all albino!" The Doctor seemed annoyed and called out matter-of-factly "We've probably just landed in Hull." The Doctor doesn't have time to worry about the quirky behaviour of his time ship. A strange, annoying bleeping sound has filled the TARDIS for hours. At first he assumed it was a warning of a trans-dimensional collision - A problem he could easily resolve by looping the pan-dimensional verifiers. When that turned out not to be the case, he immediately assumed that the rechargeable batteries of the Ion MegaDrive Scrambler had failed, and he would need to make desperate haste to the planet Gaselveron, during it's incredibly brief rechargeable battery manufacturing phase (He'd need to land on exactly the right Tuesday, by Wednesday they'd accidentally blown up the planet by putting the batteries the wrong way around in the charger). Unfortunately it was nothing so simple. The weird, incessant, horrific bleeping noise was in fact being caused by a cheap plastic mini travel alarm clock, which was lost somewhere in the vast piles of junk littering the TARDIS. What made this more aggravating, is that not only was the bleeping slowly driving him insane, but the time it was taking him to track it down and remember why he'd set it in the first place, was probably wasting away precious "universe saving" time. When he finally tracked down the small, slightly broken, chipped plastic mini travel alarm clock here is what it said - "23 November. Hull. Earth is in danger of annihilation. Meteor approaching. All life will end. Pick up some yogurt at Tesco." The Doctor groans in deep frustration. He'd completely forgotten that he'd run out of yogurt, oh yeah and the Earth being in danger yet again had also slipped his mind. And to make things perfect he forgot to mention the YEAR! The Doctor briefly contemplates visiting each 23 November, but soon realises it would take roughly 10 billion trips. When Ace rushes back into the TARDIS to confirm that they have indeed landed in Hull, the Doctor smacks himself violently on the forehead. "Not only did I forget that I knew I'd forget that I'd run out of yogurt. But I forgot that I remembered to program the TARDIS in advance to come pick up the yogurt because I remembered that I'd forget! How annoying!!" "Yogurt?" Asked Ace. "But surely the most important part of this message is 'Earth is in danger of annihilation. Meteor approaching. All life will end.' You are going to save the world, aren't you Professor?" Deep sigh. "If I have time. It depends on how long the line is at Tesco." The Doctor and Ace head to Tesco where the Doctor tells Ace to search for a mysterious and darkly powerful silver arrow, just in case they have any on the shelves. Ace asks the Doctor if it is Haley's comet that is going to strike the Earth. "No, that was a few years ago. I'm afraid something slightly more, surreal, is at play here Ace." "Surreal?" "I've remembered what I forgot. It's something I launched into space 350 years ago. It has finally returned." "What?" "A rubber chicken." "A WHAT!?!?" "Of unbelievable power." Ace is confused, but the Doctor promises to explain later. Meanwhile, Baldrick whimpers in confusion at this strange new world where people bathe and don't smell like dung, while Peinforte dreams of what she will do with the rubber chicken -- particularly the revenge she will seek upon the Doctor, whose secret she has discovered... To mix things up a bit, some crazed Nazis show up and instead of trying to take over the world they simply order some pancakes and drink Fanta. The Doctor and Ace arrive, trying to stop things from getting out of control, the Nazis are eating more pancakes than they can humanly hope to contain. Then, for no reason at all, the waiter at the cafe turns out to be a Cyberman. Cliffhanger moment! Part Two The Cyberman recognizes the Doctor, he stiffed them on a bill in 1986. But before the Cyberman can do anything, the Nazis begin to loudly complain about the pancake batter being undercooked and a pitched battle breaks out. The Doctor explains that this very same thing happens every time -- "You'd think Nazis and Cybermen would get on. But you'd be mistaken. Chalk and Cheese!" Ace asks the Doctor what the Cyberman was doing working at a cafe in Hull. "After the failed 1986 invasion, not all the Cybermen wanted to wander aimlessly across the universe, homeless. Some stayed. Tried to get jobs in IT, but usually ended up working in restaurants." The Doctor and Ace decide it's too dangerous to remain here and flee for the TARDIS, stealing the Nazis' tiny bow for no apparent reason. The Cyberman smashes his fist into the table when he realises that the Nazis have left, without leaving a tip. In a pub called Ye Olde White Harte, the Doctor buys two pints of lager and explains some more pieces of the puzzle to Ace. In the ancient and dark days of Gallifrey, when virtual god-hood had just been granted to the time lords, they were reckless and playful. One of their darker powers was the ability to enchant objects with mystical and potent properties. At first they were doing somewhat sensible things - enchanting swords capable of slicing down any enemy of Gallifrey, invoking horrific curses on objects used by those who opposed their new powers. Then some more trivial things were created - wine glasses that were unbreakable, keys that could open any lock, and then, one day, some jerk, somewhere, created a rubber chicken that could destroy entire planets. The Doctor, somehow, discovered it's location and launched it into space, to prevent anyone from gaining control of it. Of course he knew that it's orbit would bring it close to earth every few decades, and that being a cursed and evil object it would cause immense and terrible suffering on earth...but this way he didn't have to really think about it for three and a half centuries. Unfortunately, the Cyberman bartender overhears all of this and phones his friend who works at the cafe - "Dave? Yeah, George here. Look, this time lord was just in here, and..well, you aren't going to believe this-" The Doctor and Ace find the two headphone-wearing men guarding the landing site that Lady Peinforte and the Nazis are expecting. The Doctor sends in Ace to "distract" them, but after about five minutes she comes back and simply nods her head no. "They weren't interested?" "Not their type. Looks like you're going to have to lure them into the woods this time." Elsewhere in Hull, a group of Cybermen approach Lady Peinforte and ask if they can be her lackeys. They promise they will be useful and assure her that they want to see the Earth destroyed as well. This meeting is interrupted by the Nazis who are very confident of victory. "Lady Peinforte! Dave the Cyberman. George the Cyberman. And ahh, Larry the Cyberman? We are happy to see you are all such good friends. But none of you shall destroy the earth! Not as long as we have - THE TINY BOW OF DEATH! Hanz, show them." Gunther and Hanz are mortified when they discover that the tiny bow has in fact been nicked. Nearby, shopping for candy at Woolworth's, Ace still doesn't understand the full danger. The Doctor explains that the rubber chicken's orbit has brought it to Earth every 25 years -- and every 25 years it has generated destruction; the eve of the First World War, the annexation of Poland by Hitler, JFK's assassination...and now in 1988 a double whammy, the destruction of earth and the senseless popularity of Koosh Balls. "It's too late Ace!! Even if we save the earth...for what? In exactly one month's time the Christmas season will be cruelly dominated by the Koosh ball. A rubber ball filled with a jelly-like plasma, its outside filled with hundreds of rubber spikes making it look like a soft and flexible porcupine that does not hurt to hold or squeeze." "Sounds great! Can I have one??" "SEE!!! Already too late. How is it that such an intelligent species can so easily be won over by evil?" Ace finds one on a nearby shelf and plops it in the Doctor's hand. Part Three The Doctor prepares to return to the projected landing site, unarmed, with only a ridiculously tiny bow and a wide variety of delicious yogurts. At the landing site Lady Peinforte and the Cybermen have killed the Nazis; Well, Lady Peinforte let the Cybermen watch actually. But they did applaud. Loudly. They were a great source of immoral support during the homicides. Ace is beginning to get really pissed off. What's really going on? Who brought the rubber chicken to Earth? Who created it in the first place? The Doctor simply hands Ace some pound coins and says "They look vaguely goldish. By this time in their sorry history, that should be enough." When they arrive at the projected landing site, the Doctor and Ace see the multiple Nazi bodies. The Doctor tells Ace that he will take the Cybermen, if she takes the crazy 17th century lady who is actually capable of killing people. As the Doctor distracts the Cybermen with a shadow puppet show, Ace is drawn into a conversation with Lady Peinforte. Lady Peinforte tells Ace that she is allied with a force darker than even herself, and speaks to Ace the Doctor's true name. The Cybermen seem surprisingly, and freakishly, impressed by the Doctor's finger shadow puppetry. He invites them all out for a pint, and leaves with them in good spirits. The moment has at last come, the Silly Nemesis is about to land. Lady Peinforte, crazed with the power that will be hers, looks directly up at the sky, but sees only a shooting star. "NO!!! NOOO!!! IMPOSSIBLE!!! IT BURNED UP IN THE ATMOSPHERE!! IT BURNED UPPPP! HOW!? HOW!?!?" Ace looked at Lady Peinforte and said simply "Well, it was just a rubber chicken." Peinforte was a pawn in the Doctor's game all along. He knew that the rubber chicken, even though magically enhanced, was still nothing more than a cheap novelty item. She would have had to collect it in space. Later that evening the Doctor, Ace, and the Cybermen listen to a relaxing jazz tape on Ace's ghetto blaster. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Rubber Chicken Of Terror Doctor Who & The Koosh Balls of Death "Ace And The Overly-Complex Bondage Machine of My Own Design", as posted on usenet by Cybernaut82, 11/12/1996 Links and References - The 1986 invasion occurred as seen in The Tense Planet. Some of the survivors left their dreams of empire behind to explore a life in the service industry. Untelevised Misadventures - The whole story is a sequel to another adventure (which Ace hasn't seen either). During this tale the Doctor apparently gained access to a rubber chicken of unimaginable power, capable of destroying planets, and shot it into space to stop some 17th century lady blowing up the world. He also set an alarm clock in the TARDIS to warn him that he was going to run out of yogurt in 350 years. In the extended video version, Ace discovers a black velvet painting of herself which depicts her in a remote jungle, riding a tiger and wearing only a a leather bra, cheetah panties, and a bullwhip. Ace believes that this hints at some future adventure through time and space, but I believe it's just as likely that the Doctor has strange and heightened tastes for kinky kitsch pornography. Groovy DVD Extras - Well the damned velvet painting for one! Dialogue Disasters - Cybermen: Human, once I would have served you death. But today... Today the specials are Minestrone soup and the Tuna Noodle Casserole. I might also suggest the Garlic Naan as an appetizer. ---- Ace: Wait Professor. YOU were responsible for World War I, and World War II, and the JFK assassination? Doesn't that make you, evil? Doctor: More or less. Do you know if this place does sausages? ---- Too often people focus on quotes that are especially memorable, or which retain their charm and wit out of context. Almost always the hard working lines of dialogue which establish the plot or move the action along are left by the wayside, so I present for the second time, the second - "UnQuotable Quote"! Doctor: NO ACE! Stop twisting the knob! Dialogue Triumphs - (Confirming their landing point) Ace: So, we really are in Hull! Doctor: Like I've always said Ace, "The proof of the pudding is in Yorkshire". ---- (Listening to Ace's jazz tape and enjoying a coffee) Dave The Cyberman: So Doctor, if things went differently today. If you were placed in a position where you had to defeat us...what would you have done? Doctor: Oh, easily answered! I would have simply re-programmed the rubber chicken to re-materialize on the Telos' sun and immediately self-destruct; Destroying the entire solar system. Dave The Cyberman: But that's exactly how you killed the Dustbins in '63! Doctor: You think I'd bother to come up with a new plan, for the likes of you? Larry The Cyberman: (Laughing uncontrollably) It's SO true! Ace: Yeah! I mean, you didn't bother to come up with a new plan. You just tried to take over a powerful time lord relic that the Doctor had left within convenient reach of earth and then use it to dominate the universe. I can't count how many times some alien baddie has tried that one! And the Professor puts it right the same way every time. Just reprogram it and BAM! The Professor's a one man stellar genocide machine! Dave The Cyberman: Wow, we really are crap, aren't we? Pass the sugar, human. ---- Peinforte: Girl, don't you know what being you are in service to? He is the darkest of all the ancient time lords. And I know all his secrets. Ace: Secrets? Peinforte: His name is the source of his true powers. I know that name. Ace: Wait, let me guess! Is it Daryl? I think he looks like a Daryl. Peinforte: The Doctor's true name is, Cthulhu Jones! ---- (Walking back to the TARDIS, carrying a wine bottle given to her by George The Cyberman) Ace: Professor, Lady Peinforte said something to me. Something I've been thinking about. She said that your real name was Cthulhu Jones. (The Doctor trips over his own feet and smacks harshly into the ground) Doctor: What?! What was that? OHH! Umm...No! Ace, she's confused. She's thinking of a name given to me by the superstitious people of the 17th century -- Ronald Jones. Ace: As in, "There goes the being of unimaginable power, Ronald Jones"? Doctor: 17th century peasants! Gotta' love them! ------------------------------------------------------------ Viewer Quotes - "Cartmel and JST have decided to expand the magical mystery that is Doctor Who, by revealing his name and entire personal history. Interesting approach that." - Terrance Wilby (1990) "I loved the Cybermen. They were powerful, mind controlling sex freaks during the classic black and white era. And here they are in vibrant colour...looking like plastic dolls and working at cafes. OH!! How far they have fallen!" - CyberMagazine, January 1989 'Speaking as someone who has one of the largest collections of black velvet paintings in Europe, the one seen in this story with Ace is a particularly good example of a sub-genre I like to call "Erotic Queen of the Jungle with Severe Bondage Overtones". This is one of my favourite sub-genres of the entire black velvet painting art history. I real gem of classic pornographia. I bought a copy on eBay.' - Timothy Brown (2003) "The bondage Ace? Oh yeah, used to have that, but I sold it to some sicko on eBay. Good thing he didn't know I made it myself on parish funds!" - Father James O'Maley (2004) Sylvester McCoy Speaks! "The Cybermen! It was great to work with them. I wish my Doctor had been able to fight them during the height of their powers. Not at the point in their history when they could be killed by throwing loose change at them. Still, you take what you can get. I'm pretty sure I'm the only Doctor who ever killed Cybermen with only a sweets wrapper vaguely shaded gold." Rumors & Facts - In March 1987, the Doctor Who script editor met with some drunk guy in an alley and offered him a commission to write a 3 parter Doctor Who story. At least that's what they told the police they were doing drunk in an alley together at 3 in the morning. In order to keep the pretense up, the drunk guy did draft 3 episodes of Doctor Who featuring the Cybermen, some random Nazis, a 17th century time witch, and references to a previous story which never occurred. It is perhaps deeply telling of the 80s, that the script was accepted and shot. Like Cartmel, the drunk guy was interested in "reintroducing the Doctor as a more enigmatic figure", and so they decided to reveal his name and bluntly hint that the Doctor was the original force behind the creation of the time lords. These references were dropped as subtly as a brick against the head. 'The Rubber Chicken of Time' was re-titled 'Silly Nemesis', when JST decided that the presence of the rubber chicken should be kept a secret, as the have the maximum possible impact of surprise. This was uniquely successful, as even when the spoilers DID reach the media ("The Doctor is trying to stop the Cybermen obtaining an all powerful rubber chicken novelty toy") no one was prepared to believe it. However, fanatical that the story be shrouded in secrecy, JST refused to shoot in the BBC Television Centre and set up all the studio recording scenes in a tent erected on a BBC parking lot. JST also didn't want the secrets of the scripts revealed, so he habitually refused rehearsal periods. Because of this, the director was left with only a vague idea of the timing of the scripts and the actors were virtually cold reading their lines on camera. It was only 2 hours into the actual filming that JST officially explained that the story would feature Cybermen; and he only did this to explain that the three men shuffling about the sets in silly costumes really, actually, SHOULD be in the shots. As the production team and actors were kept in the dark, delays began to build up. The shit hit the fan on the third day -- none of the actors playing the Cybermen were available on this day, despite the fact that they were due to appear in the climatic scene in which the Cybermen call forth their secret space fleet and entire cyberarmies march down the streets of Hull city centre. Scenes were rewritten and went unrehearsed throughout the day in order to come up with an alternate ending for the serial and get it in the can. Instead of the original script, in which the Cybermen take over Hull city centre, and then use it as the base to control the Earth, setting up a sequel adventure that would see the Doctor face an earth completely dominated by the Cybermen; the emergency re-write featured The Doctor impressing three Cybermen with shadow puppets and then taking them out for drinks. As the Cybermen actors were not available, the production team went to a local pub called Admiral Of The Humber, found three completely plastered gentlemen, and forced them into Cybersuits before they knew what hit them. The scenes with the Doctor, Ace, and the Cybermen listening to jazz music was largely improvised around rough scripts that the actors hadn't been allowed to see completely. The extreme circumstances in which these concluding moments were completed means that the finished serial is haphazard at best. One interesting piece of trivia is the long standing fan rumour that, as an inside joke, The Brigadier can be seen drinking copious amounts of vodka in the background of the pub scenes. A careful investigation shows that while Nicholas Courtney is present in those scenes, he not attempting to portray the Brigadier, nor is he even aware he is on camera -- he is simply in the pub quietly getting stewed. It is just one of the eerie realities of location shooting. In summation this story suffers greatly due to the following factors - 1) Unbelievably stupid Nazis 2) Cybermen presented as waiters 3) Lack of rehearsals 4) Scripts written by drunk guy 5) The careless way in which the Doctor's true name is revealed after a quarter of a century of mystery and speculation But the story still has shining moments such as - 1) That black velvet painting of Ace and 2) That black velvet painting of Ace Now if you excuse me, I'm going to check eBay.