The One Hundred and Fifty-Fourth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Manual Overdrive Cool Nod to Bernie Fishnotes who suggested this title when I had it on a shortlist of 3 possibles! Great minds, y'know? Serial 7H - Rememberin' To Take Out The Dustbins - Somewhere in deep space an alien menace is desperately trying to record episodes of Dad's Army which will be senselessly lost in the ravages of time. Part One The Doctor and Ace are having a relaxing weekend in the TARDIS. The Doctor has a short talk with Ace about the nature of history and human perception, between sips of authentic Victorian lemonade. During this idle chat, in which the Doctor blathers as Ace mixes up explosive chemicals, the Doctor's mood turns dark and somber. The Doctor explains to Ace that the moment has finally come to confront the ultimate evil at the end of time. The Doctor explains to Ace that she will not be able to face the horrors alone, and so he opens up a secret panel in the TARDIS control console. A fine dust floats through the air and something trundles out from the tangled maze of wire. Ace is deeply unimpressed - "Oh no! Not a goddamn robot dog!" The Doctor explains that until he says otherwise, Ace is to be protected by the constant and vigilant presence of K9. When Ace screams, whines, and explains her fear that the alien baddies will laugh at her and not take her seriously, the Doctor gives Ace an electrified baseball bat to shut her up. The Doctor and Ace approach Coal Hill School, observed by a curious young girl. The Doctor assumes that the girl's attention has been drawn by Ace's anachronistic ghetto blaster and the rather silly plastic vaguely-dog-looking-thing following them at 1 mile an hour. The Doctor tells Ace that they can not wait another second. Every instant is bringing the universe closer to eternal chaos and entropy; Ace orders a ploughman's lunch at The Goat and Compass. After finishing her lunch Ace discovers that all her money is either extra-terrestrial or from hopeless alternative realities. "I can give you 12 Znorkians Znorks, or a pound coin with..ummm... Empress Matilda IV on it." Ace meets a young man, Mike, who is intrigued by her tits, but swears he's interested in philosophy. After a few rounds of lager Ace is warming up to Mike, but she can't get K9 to bugger off. Ace isn't sure how to explain away a computerized dog in 1963 London, but is annoyed that she doesn't even get the chance; a man in a strange uniform rushes into the pub, calls Mike "Sergeant" and tells him that the boys have run into trouble at Totter's Lane. Ace and K9 accompany Mike, and there they meet up with the Doctor who has just arrived as well. Ace is surprised to find herself in a junkyard surrounded by soldiers, but is stunned by an exchange between the Doctor and the military personnel. "Yes, Ace! Good to see you finally made it! There seems to be a spot of global invasion going on at just the moment, still, UNIT should be on the case. OH WAIT!! No...on second thought..." "UNIT is definitely on top! Always!" Yelled a man with a moustache that Ace was certain looked rather like a dead caterpillar, waiting to fall off his face. "Brigadier!! Or should I say Lethbridge-Stewart! YES! I must have you at a distinct disadvantage." "What are you talking about? I know EXACTLY who you are." "You do? But how?" "A strange, dark fellow in the mist of all this misery and chaos? How could I fail to recognise you? BENTON!! Looks like Mister Magister was behind this the whole time. I should have known. Take him out behind the shed and blow his brains out, will you dear chap? And make it discreet! No paper work." "Yes, sir." "BUT WAIT!!!!" "Oh I'm just pulling your leg Doctor. I've known you so long, I don't care what face you wear. As long as you don't kiss my men." The Doctor and the Brigadier then calmly and rationally discuss the situation. Somebody or something killed a young soldier named Matthews, and then it opened fire on the group again, killing another soldier trying to remove Matthews' body, and then it opened fire a third time, killing some guy who just happened by the scene whilst eating a Flake. The Brigadier is clear on the issue at hand - "Something needs some killin'." The Doctor advises the Brigadier to retreat, but he refuses to do so and orders his men to fire three high-explosive rocket grenades towards the Doctor for even suggesting such a thing. The Doctor, awkwardly, survives. He then suggests to the Brigadier that three high-explosive rocket grenades shot at the same time at the same target might be just enough to take down the target. This only deeply annoys the Brigadier as they stupidly used up their last and only three such weapons to show off in front of the Doctor. The Doctor asks the Brigadier what the strategy of the opponent is, hoping that it will give him insight to the menace responsible. "Damned clever this menace. His basic strategy, so far, is to hide in a shed and kill people." "Which shed?" "That tool shed at the far end of the junkyard...surrounded by all the dead bodies." "Oh, yes. Of course." "Pretty effective strategy so far, wouldn't you say?" The Doctor quickly enters the kill zone and offers the menace a spot of tea. The hostile immediately moves out of the shelter of the shed to reveal that it's a grey Dustbin. The Doctor uses Ace's nitro-9 to destroy it, and then steals the Brigadier's van. The Doctor drives the van at break neck speed as Ace and K-9 are thrown about in the back like rag dolls. The Doctor explains to the duo that the Dustbins have come to Earth for something called the Handjob of Omega. The Brigadier arranges for the Dustbin to be placed under guard, and with deep embarrassment calls the local police to report his van stolen. In order to save face the Brigadier decides to send a truck with anti-tank rockets to Coal Hill School when he learns the Doctor has been seen in that area. The Doctor, Ace, and K9 return to the school, where the Doctor finds it oddly easy to convince the Headmaster that there's evil at work there (then he remembers this is the school Susan used to attend). The Doctor explains to Ace, K9, and an oddly calm headmaster, that the Dustbins have been chasing him and seeking the Handjob of Omega, something he enjoyed thoroughly the last time he was here. Something very dangerous... Unaware that the Headmaster is secretly serving the demon Asmodeus the Doctor draws a map, gives a precise address, and personally offers to drive them all directly to the place where one can experience the full glory of the Handjob of Omega. Things get a bit dodgy. When on the way to the car park, the Doctor discovers an alien transmat device which is currently teleporting an army of cream-and-gold Dustbins. Being clever, the Doctor runs up the first flight of stairs he can find, effectively screwing K-9 to a harsh and painful death, but to his shock and horror - THESE DUSTBINS CAN FLOAT! Part Two Ace overpowers the Headmaster, kicks the Dustbins and smashes them into tiny pieces with her baseball bat, thus rescuing the Doctor. K9 uses his nose laser, which mildly distracts a Dustbin before Ace knocks it's eye socket off. Just then the Brigadier crashes a truck through the walls of the school and positions his anti-tank rockets at the Doctor, demanding the return of his van. The Doctor, who's beginning to wish he'd hid his sexual aides somewhere more remote than...say...LONDON!, warns the Brigadier that there are two hostile Dustbins factions present on Earth and advises him to evacuate the area. When the Brigadier asks what the Doctor means exactly by "the area" he replies - "Think you could get to Alpha Centauri?" The Brigadier is annoyed, how can the Doctor make light of a situation on this apocalyptic of a scale? The Doctor says he will explain everything; over a cream tea at the Elephant and Automobile. Ace spends the night in a burnt out car somewhere on the banks of the river Thames, using K9's nose laser to toast marshmallows. The Doctor meanwhile gets totally smashed on Peppermint Schnapps and shares with the Brigadier, the bartender, and a passing drifter with an ear infection, the weight of the decision he has to make. As dawn breaks, the Doctor visits a nearby undertaker's and tells them that they are going to need to work serious overtime very soon. The Doctor also takes this opportunity to collect the very newest and fashionable in a line of hover caskets, which hum with power and play muzak at deeply annoying sound levels (i.e., audible). The Brigadier has arranged for an evacuation of the area and a cover story has been prepared for the press - "Oh I don't care. Just say space aliens have invaded again. No one believes that any more. They think we're just getting drunk and shooting up town." The Brigadier is annoyed at the collective sigh of disappointment from his men, who were undoubtedly under the impression that they were indeed actually being treated to a "shoot up London boozefest". Ace leaves the burnt out shell of the automobile and wanders into the wrecked remains of the Coal Hill School science lab. She finds her ghetto blaster, which was left behind in the confusion, but when she turns it on it picks up repetitive Dustbin transmissions and she discovers that Phase One of total Earth Domination is the conquest of Coal Hill School! Part Three The Doctor faces a lone group of Dustbins, he "compliments" them for tidying up the flithiest, most disgusting rubbish tip he could possibly find in all of London. "This is definitely your.."handi"-work. I can tell by the sparkle!" The Doctor wrinkled his face as he thoughtlessly approached within 150 feet of the rubbish tip, smelled the black slime, and started to pass out. The Dustbins are not only appalled to the core by the state of the rubbish tip, but are insulted to a surreal extreme as they think the Doctor honestly believes that they've tried to clean it. The military uses this precise moment to destroy the dazed and confused Dustbins. "Men! We've got the re-take this school, if the earth has any chance to survive!" While the Brigadier and his men set off to capture the school, the Doctor studies the shattered remains of the Dustbins and is mopped by one which isn't quite dead. The Doctor sits on the pavement and looks forward, starring into space, his mind numbed by endless horror. Ace and K9 approach the Doctor and ask him what is wrong. "The end of all time. The presence of you, K9, your ghetto blaster, the Dustbins, and, not to mention UNIT. All wounds, all death knells to time itself. Your mere presence here means the destruction, the great undoing of all things." "Thanks there Professor. You really know how to cheer a girl up." "The world is doomed. There is only death now. Would you like a milkshake?" Over a strawberry milkshake the Doctor explains to Ace and K9 that the events of today will cause the microchip revolution to happen too early. Even the Dustbins, who are capable of destroying this entire planet, and then polishing every mote of remaining dust into a gleaming sparkle of cleanliness, would think twice before changing history to that extent...and yet he just rushed in and did it without any compunction, like a crazed god of time in a panama hat. Meanwhile, forces within UNIT are working to secure the Handjob of Omega for themselves. They have deduced that the Doctor buried the secret artifact in the strange casket he acquired at the undertaker's. Seemingly unaware of this development, the Doctor meets with the Brigadier and tells him to fortify the school and prepare for an all out spring clean by the Dustbins, but admits to Ace that this is a deception; the main tidying will be taking place elsewhere, and he just wants to keep the Brigadier out of the way... oh yes, and he'd like to steal his van again while he's busy waiting for an attack that will never come. Backed against a wall by Ace, the Doctor finally explains that the Handjob of Omega is a sexual manipulator which the legendary Time Lord Omigod used to provide the power for the Time Lords' initial time travel experiments - "The very first time travel experiments were based on potent sexual energy. They didn't work of course, but they were really fun to drive! Ummm...or so our dark, ancient, and mysterious history claims. But I definitely wasn't there and I DIDN'T beta-test the grip functionality!" The Dustbins want that power -- they haven't had a date since the war with the rasta robots. What disgusts Ace is that the Doctor wants them to have it. "I'm thinking they might just, you know, relax a little." Unfortunately the Doctor's plans have gone awry; he wasn't expecting two opposing Dustbin factions to begin fighting over it, and now he must untangle this freaky love/sex triangle to ensure that the right Dustbins get the Handjob without slaughtering humans in the crossfire. The Doctor takes Ace into the war room nerve centre of Dustbin operations. When Ace asks him if doing that was a little bit too easy he calmly explains "Well, I have the key." There, the Doctor disables a primitive sex-time controller while explaining to Ace that the "bondage chair" is a temporal navigation computer in which a human's imagination and creativity can be tapped to replace the fantasies and lusts the Dustbins have lost. "It's a completely remarkable technology. Barring the fact that there's no actual time travel of any description, of course." "Professor. How do you know so much about all this weird sex technology?" "What's that!? What did you say K9? Fascinating." "I did not vocalize my disgust, master." "Of course not. Good dog!" Just then, vague love interest Mike enters the room and explains that the school has been fortified to a level that he would personally describe as "scary". Mike asks the Doctor why they don't hook up Ace to the chair and see what happens -- and realizes too late that he wasn't supposed to know about that. Ace is furious when she realizes he's betrayed them...and probably pictured her naked. Mike holds out an alien blaster and openly swears his allegiance "to the clean, pure robotic Hitlers of the space age!" When the Doctor finally realises Mike is talking about the Dustbins he's forced to admit that the man is a moron. Part Four Mike tries to justify himself to Ace, saying that he just wanted to ensure that the Dustbins cleaned Britain of all impurities, such as those who didn't vote Nazi in the general elections; he doesn't understand why Ace is so disgusted with him. The Doctor assures Ace that the Dustbins are at this moment a weak and fractured race, with no ability to think creatively or innovate improvements on their centuries outdated design. The second these words leave his mouth, the Emperor Dustbin calls in a Special Weapons Dustbins which is basically a single powerful Dyson washing machine with an attitude. Using the Doctor's supreme embarrassment to his advantage, Mike steals the primitive time controller (which I really should point out looks like..okay, actually IS a plasma globe which looked super futuristic for about three months in 1987, but you can now get free at Walmart with any purchase of Halloween candy greater than 5 dollars). The Doctor and Ace have no choice but to discuss some of the actual details of the invasion with the military. Ace explains to UNIT that the Dustbins they've seen are engaged in a war over cheap sexual thrills, "It's some kind of kinky blob thing, I think. But you'd have to ask the Professor to be sure. He sort of wrote the book on that stuff." The Doctor sees a pitched battle in the streets of London and witnesses the Imperial Dustbins grasp for the Handjob of Omega, destroying all renegades but the Black Dustbin, who retreats back into the shed. The Doctor waits for the Dustbin shuttlecraft to return to the mothership and then contacts it on a 35mm camera with the glowing fibre optic cables placed roughly nearby. The Doctor demands to speak with the Emperor. The Emperor is now revealed to be Lavros, a mutant obsessed with his own digestion. Lavros gloats over his victory; soon he will transform Fargo's sun into a source of unimaginable power and the Dustbins will either achieve true mastery of Time or will just have a bitchin' orgy - either way, he's happy. The Doctor provokes Lavros into starting the Handjob, which is unbearably unsightly, but somehow explodes Fargo's sun in a giant, sploogie mess. The visual link goes to static and Ace asks if that means that Lavros and the Dustbins are dead - "Oh god! Who cares! I'm going to have nightmares about this for the rest of my life! Uggggh!" The Doctor walks out of the room shivering in disgust and explains that he'd already pre-programmed the Handjob to over-excite Fargo's sun and make it explode pre-maturely. "I made sure that Handjob had the Dustbins by the balls!" Briskly walking down the streets of London back to the TARDIS, the Doctor returns to the shed of death, where he coldly informs the Black Dustbin that it's the only one of its kind remaining and thus will not have any assistance cleaning those hard to reach places. The Dustbin, unable to cope, destroys itself. The Brigadier arrives on the scene and congratulates them all for a job well done. The Doctor doubts that Brigadier has really followed them all this way, on foot as he still has the Brig's van, just to say "Good work". The Brigadier relates that their top scientific advisor, "a devilishly smart and capable chap. We almost lost him to Donneby's, he knows more about rocket components than anyone else alive.", has recently gone mysteriously missing. The Brigadier is hopeful the the poor old fool has just run off with some girl in a whirlwind romance, but - "And so you see, with my top scientific advisor missing, I need a replacement. Now." The Doctor gave an odd smile, as if tempted and terrified. "It's most regretful that I can not take you up on such an enticing offer. Still, you might find more luck in future with my past." "I don't want you Doctor." "I see. Well you can't have Ace. Her nitro-9 is very impressive, but something I am sure UNIT will develop in the fullness of time." "I could do it Professor." "It's a very regimented lifestyle Ace. Full of discipline and orders. Short hair. Nice clothes. You wouldn't like it." "Doctor! I don't want the girl either." "Oh. Well, I can scarcely see what this has to do with me then!" "Doctor! If you would just be quiet and pay attention! I would like to offer a contract, WITH full benefits, and on-base provided accommodation, to your mechanical dog." "REALLY?!?! OH YES! Of course. I'm sure you would. Unfortunately his loyalty to his master is ingrained into the very circuit boards of his computational matrix. Isn't that correct, K9?" "Negative Doctor, Master. Brigadier Master has made a fully acceptable offer." "But he hasn't actually offered anything specific K9!" "Negative Master. Brigadier Master has stated that your presence would not be required. I will accept that term. All further details are of secondary importance...Master." Guilty of genocide and rejected by his own robot dog the Doctor finally reaches the TARDIS with Ace. Before they enter the door, Ace wants to know if they've done good, but the Doctor has no easy answer for her this time. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Handjob of Fear The Dustbins: Murder, Music, And Mayhem Those Kinky Blob Sexual Things You Always Wanted To Know About But Were Too Sane To Ask, by The Doctor Links and References - WOW! We have story lines including Gallifreyian history, UNIT, K9, and most amazing of all TYPOS that somehow find themselves painted on the side of junkyard gates. Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor has visited Earth soon after this, as he knows the outcome of the Brigadier's wife's pregnancy and this only increases his fears of getting caught. Groovy DVD Extras - Several extended scenes, such as the conversations between the Doctor and Lavros and also - Brigadier: Oh I'm just pulling your leg Doctor. I've known you so long, I don't care what face you wear. As long as you don't kiss my men. (Several UNIT men groan in disappointment) Dialogue Disasters - Doctor: Do you remember the Zygon gambit with the Loch Ness Monster? Or the Yeti in the Underground? Brigadier: Sorry Doctor, you won't catch me out so easily! If this UNIT Dating thing is going to work, we've all got to be vague and non-committal, non-committal and vague, it's the only way! ---- Doctor: Oi, Dustbin! It's me! What's the matter, don't you recognise your mortal enemy? Dustbin: You are the time lord known to us as The Bastard! Doctor: NO!! That's wrong...oh, wait. Maybe not. Can you clarify that a bit? That is to say, do you just call me the Bastard, or are you thinking of the chap with the beard? Dialogue Triumphs - ---- Doctor: Every great decision creates ripples -- like a huge boulder dropped in a lake. The ripples merge, rebound off the banks in unforeseeable ways. The heavier the decision, the larger the waves, the more uncertain the consequences. Waiter: I just asked if you wanted sugar in your tea! ---- DOCTOR: What are your objectives? DUSTBIN: WE SHALL BECOME ALL POWERFUL! CRUSH THE LESSER RACES! CONQUER THE GALAXY! WE SHALL OBTAIN UNIMAGINABLE POWER! UNKNOWABLE WEALTH! UNLIMITED RICE PUDDING! ---- DOCTOR: It's easy when you have 900 years experience. BRIGADIER: Honestly Doctor! If you expect me to believe that totally bogus CV you submitted, you'll have another thing coming. "I've been a scientist for thousands of years!" HA! I've heard all around that you're only 749! ---- Doctor: I've made a grave error of judgment. Waiter: OH, so you wanted sugar after all? ---- Doctor: (In disgust) Bipeds. ---- Doctor: It is not good! Nothing about this is good. Waiter: Hey, blame the chef! I just work here. ----- Doctor: Goodbye, Lavros. It hasn't been pleasant. Lavros: So that's it? After all of our years together? No tears? No regrets? No sad songs? Ace: Hey, ahhh...do you two want to be alone together? ---- Brigadier: I say, if this chap is anything like David Bowie he'll be dead with three simple rounds to the head. Doctor: That's the entire point Brigadier!! It isn't even remotely like David Bowie! Brigadier: So what bad rock analogy can I use for this alien menace? Doctor: Interesting question. I'd venture Keith Richards on a three day bender might about sum it up. Brigadier: BUT -- That would make it unstoppable! Doctor: Exactly. ---- Lavros: In the end, you are merely another Timelord! Doctor: Oh, Lavros. I am far more than just another Timelord. Lavros: Can you back that up? Doctor: Not exactly, but the chicks dig it. Lavros: Fair enough. ---- TV Announcer: This is BBC television. The time is a quarter past five, and Saturday viewing continues with an adventure in the new science fiction series The Clangers Versus Satan. ---- Brigadier: MY GOD!! What is it man?! Doctor: Blue string soup. ---- DOCTOR: Ace! Give me some of that Nitro 9 that you're not hiding in your trousers! ---- Dustbin: YOU ARE THE DOCTOR! YOU ARE THE ENEMY OF THE DUSTBINS! YOU WILL BE TIDIED! TIDIED! TIDIED! TIDIED!!! ---- Lavros: Doctor, now you begin to FEAR! Doctor: Actually the fear began five minutes ago, I'm moving onto abject terror at the moment. ---- Lavros: Do not anger ME, Doctor. I can destroy you! And this MISERABLE . . . INSIGNIFICANT PLANET!!! Doctor: If this planet is so insignificant, why do you always try to conquer it? At the moment, you aren't even trying to conquer the whole thing -- just a small secondary school. Seems a bit trivial. Lavros: I'm evil. It's just what I do. ---- Lavros: I will teach you, the folly of your words, Doctor. It's "whom the Dustbins destroy" NOT "who the Dustbins destroy"! Doctor: For an alien tyrant you have an eerie mastery of the accusative case. ---- ACE: We did good, didn't we? DOCTOR: If by "did good" you mean genocide, yes. ACE: Genocide? But the Dustbins were evil. They deserved hot fiery death! DOCTOR: Perhaps. Time will tell. It always does. Perhaps this is wrong, a bad time to mention it...but I have an intense craving for houmous just at the moment. ---- K9: Mistress! There is danger mistress! Ace: Yes I know! Shut up! k9: My apologies mistress. ACE: And stop calling me mistress! It sounds like some freaky bondage thing....and even worse it sounds like some freaky bondage sex thing between me and a robot dog! K9: Apologies mistress. By which appellation should I address you? Ace: Ace. K9: Negative mistress! My protocol prevents me from addressing you by the name by which you are most commonly known. If I were to be overheard by an unexpected hostile presence I would unknowingly reveal your identity. Mistress. ACE: That's bollocks! I've heard you call the Professor "the Doctor", and that's his most common name. K9: My protocol specifically states "an unexpected hostile presence". Hostile presences are always expected in the vicinity of the Doctor master. Ace: Right. Well call me anything then...I don't care... call me Simon if you like. K9: Affirmative, Simon. ------------------------------------------------------------ Viewer Quotes - "This story elevated the Dustbins from stupid stooges of Lavros to EVIL stooges of Lavros. Lavros did for the Dustbins what Dio did for Black Sabbath...fuck all." - Rock-n-Roll Sci-Fi Monthly (1989) "This was the absolute worst story for me personally. After seeing the Special Weapons Dustbin, I was too terrified to enter my laundry room or clean my clothes, for probably about 8 months. I lost my friends, my girlfriend, and the smell is still in my car to this day. I blame Who." - Rick "Smelly" Smithson (1991) "Why isn't my local cafe this philosophical? I try to talk to those guys at the greasy spoon about existential despair and they look at me as if I've entered some fugue state... which in all honesty I probably have, but all I get out of it is cold eggs and no conversation." - Jean Paul Leibniz (2000) "I find Ace to be a likable, independent, strong and vibrant character. And what I mean by this, the distilled essence of my observations if you will, is...I'd like to roger her behind the Tesco, not sure if the CCTV is working. I love danger." - Alan "Mr Romance" Davis (2003) Sylvester McCoy Speaks! The one thing you always hear all the actors say is "I didn't feel like a real Doctor until I faced the Dustbins." And this is true. However it's not the most "Doctor-affirming" moment you get to experience actually. What made me feel like the Doctor was when I performed the sacred ritual of beating the hell out of Tom Baker. It apparently was a tradition that went back to a crazed drinking contest between Tom and William Hartnell in the mid-70s. After a few dozen rounds there were some fighting words - arguments over whose roundels were bigger, that sort of thing. And apparently Hartnell was able to thrash poor Tom something silly. Then Troughton got in on the fun, and it spiralled from there. Both Peter and Colin had been let in on the gag by Pertwee and Troughton, and sometime during the second season you were let into the club as it were -- after tracking down Tom at a pub and having a few rounds with him. I'm sure Colin got the beat Tom senseless sometime during the recording of "A Few Doctors", and Peter in "The Four-And-A-Half Doctors". Anniversary specials were always a great excuse to punch up Tom. Sophie Aldred speaks! Rememberin' was funnily enough my least favourite story to work on. I wasn't confident yet and JST kept trying to glue question marks onto my costume during the filming, it was a little creepy and totally bollocksed continuity. Rumors & Facts - Andrew Cartmel had recently become Doctor Who's script editor and he was desperate to bring new talent to the programme (mostly because the old talent had wisened up, the promised three pounds and free copy of the Radio Times just never seemed to arrive). Cartmel turned to a promising new talent Ben Aaaaronovitch, whom apparently developed his career by always appearing first in alphabetical credits. Aaaaronovitch (Okay, BEN!) submitted a story idea called Nightfall, which of course bore no relation whatsoever to the Isaaaac Aaaasimov short story of the same name with an coincidentally identical plot. Cartmel felt that Nightfall was not suitable for his show, but was impressed by the sheer number of "a"s in Ben's name, and so he invited him to pitch further ideas. Being perceptive, Ben submitted a story entitled "Aaavaallion" based on the Aarthuriaan myths (The now almost completely forgotten King Aarthuriaan of Northern Wales) Meanwhile, JST had once again been threatened by the BBC mafioso that his repeated attempts to escape from Doctor Who were not acceptable. So desperate was John to escape from his producer role that he had invested hundreds of pounds in the forgery of a fake passport identifying him as Atsuko Kayumi, a 78 year old Japanese man. JST apparently planned to work as a Sushi chef in Kobe and disappear forever. He got as far as Turkey, when BBC Goons found him, beat him, and smuggled him back into London. Once restrained to the BBC's satisfaction, JST and Cartmel began working on a vast masterplan to return magic and mystery to the character of the Doctor - via the weird route of systematically explaining everything about him and his past. In particular, Cartmel wanted to start laying "hints" that there was more to the Doctor's background than had heretofore been revealed. On average these hints were roughly as subtle as the Doctor dancing up and down, smashing together giant cymbals and screaming "I'm more than you imagined! I created time lord society, don't you know!" In fact that scene was recorded for this story but then dropped for time. For Doctor Who's silver jubilee, JST decided he wanted a "somewhat" muted anniversary special, and so he restrained himself to merely killing off the Doctor's old enemies, having a UNIT story, introducing powerful and ancient Gallifreyian artifacts, re-introducing K-9, and making countless references to characters such as The Bastard. JST was reportedly disappointed that he wasn't able to bring back all the surviving Doctors and have them tour with the Beatles. Of course, as always, obtaining the rights to use the Dustbins was no easy task. The proper sacrifices had to be made, the potent incantations spoken at just the correct time, and all that was just to get Terry Nation's new phone number in California. JST offered Nation the chance to write a serial for the new season, but he turned it down, preferring to just see the scripts before approval and collect the usual 5,000 human souls per episode. Aaaaronovitch was tapped to write the script and he entitled the first draft "The Nemesis of Doctor Who". The Nemesis of Doctor Who was the only script in the history of the programme that apparently took into account the actual budget available. While the average Dustbin script includes massive invasion armies, complex futuristic bases run by hordes of Dustbins, and heroic final showdowns between the heroes and a seemingly unstoppable mass of monsters, The Nemesis of Doctor Who cleverly avoided these pitfalls, and therefore the almost certain need for cardboard cut out Dustbins. The Nemesis of Doctor Who is a relatively simple story about a Blue Dusbtin and a Red Dustbin who land in Surrey and then take each other up on a bet on who can take over the earth first. JST was heavily displeased by this script as the two Dustbins showed an easy going camaraderie between themselves, exhibited frequent displays of whimsical fun taking over the planet, and overall had a jolly good time WITH NO Lavros to come in and mess the story up. Ben was asked to write a newer, darker, story, with Lavros there to handicap the coolness of the Dustbins as much as possible. To make up for this unfortunate change, Ben envisioned a whole new type of Dustbin - the Special Weapons Dustbin! In his scripts Ben described the Special Weapons Dustbin as an armed floating platform which could be achieved through a combination of model and electronic effects. Ultimately, though, it was decided to use a Dyson washing machine that had lain broken and forgotten in the BBC Laundrette for a number of years.