The One Hundred and Forty-Third Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Continuity Serial 6X - The Lark With The Rani - The TARDIS is the scene of loud, nasty argument. The Doctor, who has promised Peri that they can travel anywhere in the vastness of the universe has piloted the TARDIS to 19th Century England. Peri is now convinced that the Doctor is merely some crazed English eccentric who is obsessively devoted to historical recreation games with a community of eccentrics -- some of who dress as giant slug creatures for deviant purposes. The Doctor denies these claims and explains he merely chose the 19th century as an interesting historical diversion. The Doctor further claims that Peri is an ungrateful bitch as there are countless people who would rip out their own eyes to go back to 19th century England. Peri, bright red, and angered to the point of speechlessness runs out of the console room, violently slamming the door. The Doctor gives a knowing glance to Sil and mutters - "Primates!" The TARDIS has arrived in the small mining village, Killingwich. Three locals - Jack Ward, Rudge, and Green - go to a bath house owned by a strange elderly pervert in tasteless clothes, but as they start to strip down the room fills with gas and knocks them out. The old weirdo enters the room in a gas mask and carries them through a secret panel into a separate room. Sometime later the three men awaken, feel strange pains, the desire to be incredibly violent, and a secret sense of shame. The three miners dash from the bath house and attack the old man and his young grandchild in the street outside before rushing off... Meanwhile the Doctor has calmed Peri down and asked for her help in solving a rather tricky problem. As this is the 19th century on earth, they can not risk being seen with an obvious alien. So the Doctor explains to Peri that he has taken the liberty of dressing up Sil like a baby and placing him in a carriage. The Doctor tells Peri that if anyone asks, she must claim that Sil is their incredibly ugly offspring. "If anyone asks -- just say he's a bastard and I'm your first cousin. That should make them drop the matter entirely." The Doctor and Peri wheel Sil into the village where they plan to meet George Stephenson, one of the architects of the Industrial Revolution. As they pass the bath house, the Doctor's time detector beeps briefly, and the old man hears the sound. Worried, the old man runs screaming wildly out of the village. Oddly, the Doctor and companions seem to pay no mind to this behaviour and instead travel deeper into the heart of village. As soon as they leave the scene, The Bastard appears and breaks into the bath house. Inside of the bath house he sees a very familiar young women draining fluid from the miner's brains. The Bastard informs the young lady that the old man and his grandchild seem to fled at the first sign of the Doctor's appearance. The young woman in the bath house is in fact a renegade Time Lady, the Rani and the Bastard obviously has a long history with her. The two are working together on a vast project to rob the humans in the village of vital brain fluids -- because, well...ummm.. because these two renegade time lords are EVIL!! The Rani insists that they will eventually find some useful purpose for the brain fluid, but the Bastard is happy to chuckle evilly in the corner and playfully twirl his moustache. The Bastard points out that the Doctor is bound to discover and put an end to their work, and so she agrees to help him destroy the Doctor. Meanwhile the Doctor is eager to get to the bottom of the mystery of the bath house - What happens there? Is it legal? And does one have to pay? After puzzling over the matter, the Doctor decides to boldly discover bath house culture for himself. Wanting to appear rugged he steals a miner's outfit, spreads coal dust over his face and heads off to investigate. The Doctor enters the bath house with a group of miners coming off-shift, but he is overwhelmed by the gas fumes before he can find and block their source. When he finally recovers he is strapped to a chair and unable to move. At first the Doctor makes no attempt to struggle or discern his whereabouts -- perhaps this is just the sort of thing that is suppose to happen. The Doctor realises that he has a lot to learn about the practical sides of all this. The Doctor is reduced to utter shock and the spell is finally broken however, when he first sees the Rani. He recognises her IMMEDIATELY - "WHAT THE..? I know you! JO! JO GRANT!" "The Rani now, Doctor." "But...but...how? WHY??" "Well you didn't think the Bastard and I would live in Llanfairfachbiscuit for the rest of our lives did you? After the marriage he took me the Gallifrey and had me "uplifted" into a time lord. With a complete regenerative cycle." "OF COURSE!! I did say - 'He might even be able to turn you into a super villainess.' - I do so hate being right! So, seen the Brigadier recently?" "I'm sorry, this isn't a social call Doctor. I've made a pledge to my husband, The Bastard, to assist in your final destruction." "Ah! Well, this is a rather disappointing reunion." The Doctor soon deduces that the Rani is extracting the chemical which enables the human brain to sleep - well he doesn't DEDUCE this so much as have it explained to him complete with slides and flowcharts. The Doctor is unable to convince her that she should leave the Bastard, renounce her time lord powers, and settle down in Dorset. Peri and Sil follow the Doctor to the bath house. Peri stupidly rushes into the scene in an attempt to rescue the Doctor -- even though she's unarmed, and has no plan, and has both her hands engaged in pushing around a baby carriage. The Rani and the Bastard easily capture her, but there is some luck as The Bastard does not immediately recognise Sil's true identity - "So this is what happens when a Time Lord and a Human BREED, is it?? Disgusting! Thank god I never tried with Jo. It's like some horrid cross between a snail and Munchkin." The Bastard reveals that he has arranged for the TARDIS to be thrown down a mine shaft, but the Doctor claims not to believe him and insists that the Rani has somehow altered the scanner to depict what's happening in the operator's mind. The Bastard, furious, orders Peri to place the Doctor in the baby carriage and wheel the Doctor outside so he can see for himself. Outside, while the Bastard is distracted by the sight of the TARDIS being thrown down the pit, Sil, sitting in the Doctor's lap, reaches over and grabs the TCE out of the Bastard's hand and orders Peri to wheel them to safety. When the Bastard returns, defeated, to the bath house - a loud, door slamming, knock down drag out domestic fight occurs. The Rani is furious that the Bastard has been so stupid as to let the Doctor, the human woman, and their unspeakably unattractive baby, escape in a carriage. The Bastard tries to explain the situation but the Rani continues - it's not only the recent escape that bothers her, but the fact that he has a whole room cluttered with dolls made from his victims, he hasn't been sticking to his low sugar diet, and it's not so much that he doesn't DO the dishes -- but that it would never even cross his mind to clean them. The Bastard explains that he's a very busy tyrant and will eventually get to the dishes and sort out the doll collection once he has conquered a planet big enough to hold them all. Luckily, this argument gives the Doctor and company ample time to regroup and form a plan. The Doctor's first suggestion is that they investigate another bath house in the nearby village of Murderworth. Peri and Sil over rule him and suggest that they focus on the problem at hand. The trio start to make their way back to the Headquarters of the Bastard and the Rani, but on the way they are attacked by Ward and another afflicted miner. The Doctor is killed but escapes...later explaining that he's "really good at escaping", and just leaving it at that. Back at the bath house, The Rani and the Bastard are apparently recovering from an intense evening of make-up sex. Smoking a cigar the Bastard idylly speaks of the power they will have together once they crush all resistance in the universe -- and THEN...they can retire to a small planet, surrounded by a white picket fence, with 3 dogs, and 2.4 billion servants. The two lovers are so distracted that they don't notice their three enemies bumbling into their abode. The Doctor quickly locates and enters the Rani's TARDIS. Once inside the Doctor is struck with a sense of dread and self-doubt. The Rani has obviously built this TARDIS from the ground up. A feat the Doctor used to claim to his more gullible companions in the very early days of his travel -- until they backed him in a corner and he sadly had to admit to not even understanding how the black and white television worked. The fact that his ditzy old companion, Jo Grant, has been elevated so high as to be his intellectual SUPERIOR, deeply annoys him and drives home his loss to the Bastard even more so. The Doctor kicks the console absent-mindedly and then walks out. The Doctor informs Sil and Peri that they must leave immediately. When Peri objects he tries a variety of excuses - "You can't change history!! NOT ONE LINE!" but this only illicits howls of laughter. Desperately he switches to "I can not interfere, there is a higher destiny at play here." Which doesn't seem likely either. Eventually the Doctor confesses his true reasoning - After kicking the console a small schematic fell out of the machine. Apparently the Rani has developed and deployed a series of landmines which can turn people into trees. After careful observation of the design, the Doctor realised that he couldn't understand how it worked - just that it was creepy and scary. As a universal hero he has overcome many obstacles - but having to defeat the Bastard and the Rani, their intellects combined to transform him into a tree, he'd rather skip this one out. Unfortunately this explanation causes Sil to attempt an escape in the baby carriage. Sil explains that he intends to collect the landmines, travel back to the year 2000, and start a new reality series - "Loggers: The Revenge", in which 12 lucky Earth Rights Activists get a tough prize - A chainsaw, and the right to cut down ONE TREE - 3 of the trees being loggers but ONE being a 2,000 year old Sequoia. "We'll See THEM SWEAT!" Screams Sil as his hands work the wheel frantically. After Sil has left the scene the Bastard and the Rani find the Doctor and Peri and threaten to kill them both. The Doctor, wanting to appear heroic, vows to stop their evil "tree land mines." The comment immediately puzzles the devilsome duo. The Doctor, annoyed by their claims of ignorance, confronts them - explaining that he's personally reviewed the schematics himself in the Rani's TARDIS. The Doctor is deeply shocked and taken aback when the couple bursts into tears of laughter. "OHH DOCTOR! I remember now." Howled the Rani in an uncontrolled hysteria fit. "That was from our collection of humourously stupid plans for world domination!" "Yes!" Chimed in the Bastard. "We used to spend nights together, dreaming up ridiculous plans - Rubber Duck Neutron Bombs, Napalm Ice Cream, Land Mines That Turn People Into Trees!" The Rani's sides ached even as she chided "And YOU thought they were real!!! Oh MY! You really are a moron!" The Bastard looked the Doctor directly in the eyes, gave a wicked smile and declared - "We shall let you live Doctor. This time. The universe without you would be no fun at all." The Doctor, abjectly embarrassed, watched helplessly as the Bastard and the Rani walked hand in hand back to their TARDIS. The Doctor glanced cautiously at Peri and exclaimed - "I KNEW THAT WOULD HAPPEN! My plan worked!" Peri responded only with a sharp look of disgusted disbelief. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Time Ents The Evil Adventures of Jo Grant, Book 1: Enter the Rani Doctor Who Choose Your Own Adventure Book #3: A Sil-ly Mix Up Goofs - The Bastard and the Rani are married -- yet appear happy. Fashion Victims - When the Doctor decides to dress up like a miner, he looks unfortunately like a member of the Village People (perhaps this was the effect he wished to achieve???) Links and References - The old man with the grand daughter is OBVIOUSLY meant to be the First Doctor. So why did the presence of the 6th Doctor scare him off? And what was he doing with the unconscious bodies of those men....umm...actually, I don't want to know. This story is a sequel to the Third Doctor adventure, The Clean Breath, in which the Bastard and Jo Grant are married. (Serial TTT) ( http://nitro9.earth.uni.edu/doctor/cdguide/guidettt.html ) Untelevised Misadventures - Obviously Sil would have been mighty angry when he at last was informed that the tree land mines were a total fiction - one imagines that he would have not handled the disappointment gracefully. Also, Jo Grant was uplifted into Time Lady status. Groovy DVD Extras - The infamous "Oscar Wilde" scene - cut for "graphic depictions" in England, banned in Ireland, and burnt in the streets of Iowa. Dialogue Disasters - --- Doctor: For a change, I thought we'd visit England. --- The Bastard: He wears yellow trousers and a vulgarly coloured coat, but -- he travels with bimbos, so it's always fun to run into him. How does he do it? Hypnosis? --- Dialogue Triumphs - ---- The Bastard: The Doctor - endlessly moralizing, lacking ambition, blind to opportunity, and father of the ugliest child I've ever witnessed. ---- Sil: So inside this machine, you can do anything, anything at all? Peri: Yes, but we just argue, mainly. ---- A scene with incredibly forced drama - Doctor: The Bastard has managed to "uplift" my old and dear friend Jo Grant. Peri: Uplift? Doctor: Yes, it's a genetic process where a lesser evolved species is blended and upgraded with the genetics of a more evolved species. In your future they used human genes to create sentient warriors from tigers and apes. Sil: Genetic modification of lesser creatures for WAR! Fabulous. Sounds like a most profitable business. Doctor: For some. But not for the victims. Someone has taken my friend, Ms. Grant, and made her a villainous time lady. Peri: Someone, you mean the Bastard? Doctor: I doubt he's the only one involved. In order to uplift a creature, you need DNA from a higher evolved life form. I've known the Bastard long enough, he wouldn't take the risk, donating his own DNA to such a dangerous process. No, other Time Lords are involved here. Someone reckless, someone positively INSANE, has allowed for his DNA to be used in sick experiments to create a new race of degenerate time lords -- AND I'M GOING TO FIND OUT WHO! Sil: AND PROPOSE A MERGER! I love your thinking Doctor! Doctor: NO! I'm going to put a stop to it. Sil: And develop a monopoly yourself. Even wiser! Doctor: Sil, just eat this Jaffa Cake and shut up. ------------------------------------------------------------ Viewer Quotes - "The sunlight seemed to induce a magic from the stone of the buildings and the all-embracing foliage that cast an air of tranquillity over everything. The beautifully simple but effective incidental music combined with the images to create a feeling of bygone times when life was hard, but simpler, with a calmness which drew strength and security from the absence of change; and those blokes in the bath house were really hot." - John Jones (1986) "Nothing progressed, nothing was satisfactorily resolved. This story is every single relationship I've ever had." - Janet Smalls (1994) "What I loved about this story was the lives of every person in the village were in danger, but that didn't stop the characters - the Doctor, the Bastard and the Rani - from forgetting the horrific events around them and indulging in their own private feud. It was a Time Lord bitchfest!" - Janice Woods (1998) "It was around the time of this story that I decided to place a Doctor Who scarf around the big statue of Jesus in our humble church. I don't care what those Bishops say -- Jesus would have laughed his arse off. Five years later and Tom Baker is still not canonized!" - Father James O'Maley (1990) Psychotic Nostalgia - "A time lord once married me and promised to make me a time princess. Unfortunately after I grew a beard and admitted to being a native Welsh speaker he left me abandoned on the planet Grimlarn." Nicola Bryant Speaks! "Colin was really great to work with...except all those times he bit my bum. But after awhile you just get used to it. I know that sounds strange. But that was just Colin." Colin Baker Speaks! "I liked working with Sil. I remember Nabil and I would go to the the pub after a shoot, and on those nights when I could convince him to stay in costume we usually got free drinks before we were thrown out and barred for good." Nabil Shaban Speaks! "This was an excellent story. And when you can look someone in the eye and say "This was an excellent story" even though you had to wear nappies from start to finish -- then you know it's real quality." Rumors & Facts - In 1984 John Satan-Turner went on a mission. A mission to find a married couple who were both writers, and who would have the most cliche and annoying names as possible - and so he met Pip and Jane. JST announced to Eric Saward that he would be bringing back the Bastard. This news upset Saward who was not a fan of the character. I can only imagine Saward's reaction when he was informed that JST hired two people - named Pip and Jane - to compose the tale. Pip and Jane were by all accounts a lovely couple who would snuggle warmly and devise word games and scripts for low-budget movies. Pip and Jane believed in putting a part of themselves in each story they wrote together. To accommodate this desire, JST suggested that they explore a throw away line uttered by the 3rd Doctor some 12 years previously - his prediction on the ultimate destiny of the marriage between the Bastard and his companion Jo Grant. Pip and Jane devised a storyline titled Too Stupid By Far, which featured the humiliation of the Doctor at the hands of a deviously evil and wickedly witty married couple - The Bastard and The Rani. By this time in the series history, JST was openly commenting that "original ideas" were passe. It was this philosophy that would begin the proud Doctor Who tradition of spinning television stories and entire novels off of random comments made by the Doctor. The ultimate example of this being the novel which focused on the Doctor's first comment from The Sexual Toymaker - "I can't even remember what I had for breakfast this morning!". 437 pages were devoted to exposing, exploring, and explaining this long standing enigma - the final answer to the mysterious breakfast that started it all! **** SPOILERS ****** It was eggs.