The One Hundred and Twenty-Ninth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Reggae Serial 6F - Marley Undead - On earth stands one being of pure evil microwaving a frozen burrito inside an ill-lit 7-11. This creature is known as The Black Guardian. The Guardian has come to offer a young man named Turlough an escape from his boring life. He promises Turlough a rich and rewarding lifestyle of excitement and adventure that far outstrips anything he's likely to come across in Milton Keynes. All he has to do is assassinate some blonde guy in a cricketing outfit. The TARDIS meanwhile is in a dire state. The Doctor attempted to make a minor systems adjustment and accidentally created a temporal void within the TARDIS control room. The temporal void causes multiple laws of physics to fail within the TARDIS, and to make a long story short Nyssa is transformed into a sentient pancake. The Doctor sequences Nyssa's new DNA, which is 99% identical to yeast, and decides that the only cure is a radical power drain of the TARDIS systems, causing a total collapse of the temporal void. Not surprisingly, things go wrong. The Doctor materialises in the middle of a Tesco in 1983 but the TARDIS materialises in a roller disco in 1977. Tegan and Nyssa encounter an eccentric Rasta man with golden skates and for some reason assume that he is the Doctor. Together this unlikely team track down the Brigadier. The Brigadier is under deep cover for UNIT, posing as a maths teacher. The Brigadier's mission is to seek, locate, and destroy alien infiltration at the school. After interviewing a man with a dead duck on his head, and a young student with tattoos in a strange hieroglyphic language, he admits that he has no leads whatsoever as far as he can see. "Just the typical public school crowd it seems." Nyssa and Tegan try to trigger the Brigadier's deeply repressed memories of the Doctor. The Brig seems to have forgotten the Doctor entirely. Tegan and Nyssa talk to the Brigadier of their travels for endless hours, to no avail. Finally they resort to a powerful and overwhelming use of stock footage. The Brigadier screams in horror, his mind unlocked. He immediately agrees to join them. The guy from the roller disco, Nyssa, Tegan, and the Brigadier use the TARDIS to travel to a mothership in orbit around earth. Soon after the guy from the roller disco offers the Brigadier a hit off his spliff, the TARDIS crew realise that this is NOT the Doctor. The stranger is actually Marley, one of a group of Rastarfarian Vampires which travel the universe endlessly in a state of perpetual confusion seeking out Roller Discos. "Earth is like a paradise for that sort of thing, mon!" The Rasta Vamps attained their tainted immortality through the use of of a stolen Time Lord artifact - "The Prosthetic Fangs of Rassilon". Now that the TARDIS crew and the Brigadier have been lured into the Rasta Vamp Mothership, "Exodus Vibration", they will become the victims of an endless blood orgy -- which doesn't sound half bad to some of them. Meanwhile on earth the Doctor encounters a nice young lad named Turlough and is shown his fine collection of shiny knives. The Doctor immediately realises that Turlough is on a mission to kill him under the power of the Black Guardian - but takes him along on his travels for a laugh. In 1983, the Brigadier is STILL looking for the evil alien influence at the school. Even after hiring on Turlough to help him in his investigations 2 years previously, he has remained unsuccessful in his mission. The Doctor explains to the Brigadier and Turlough of his desperate need for a transmat capsule. The Brigadier describes such technology as "a thousand years beyond our time! Only an insidious alien would have the technology!" Luckily for the Doctor, Turlough mentions he has a spare one in his closet. Inside the transmat capsule the Doctor, Turlough, and Brigadier arrive at a mothership in orbit around the earth. The trio fight off waves of Rasta Vampires to rescue Tegan and Nyssa. However Tegan and Nyssa seem somewhat disappointed at this turn of events. They tell the Doctor about the blood orgies and the Prosthetic Fangs of Rassilon. The Doctor seems slightly unsettled at the power of the Rasta Vamps and to once again learn of the dark legacy of Gallifreyian technology. He is then however completely disgusted and appalled when he walks into the control room and finds the two Brigadiers...umm...touching themselves. This act of cross temporal masturbation releases some sort of vaguely defined energy which destroys the Rasta Vampires and causes Turlough, Tegan, Nyssa and the Doctor to be in desperate need of those little sick bags you get on planes. After all this unfortunateness the Doctor takes Turlough aboard the TARDIS and the Brigadiers return to earth in their quest to track down the alien menace at the school once and for all. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who: Our Bodies, Our Selves Playgirl Magazine - The Units of Unit The Rasta Man Vibration Colouring Book! Fluffs - "Brigadier, I was wondering...umm..ahh..I say there Nicholas, is that in the script?? Umm..sorry, I'll knock next time." Goofs - I know for a FACT that Nicholas Courtney does NOT look like that naked - DAMN BODY DOUBLES! Technobabble - Lots of stuff about Marley's ship being trapped in a ganja ellipse, little of which makes sense. The Doctor talks about reversing the polarity of the neutron flow, incessantly. PLEASE MAKE HIM STOP! Links and References - This story follows Snakedate, with Tegan and the Doctor talking about the "homoerotic dreams of unimaginable intensity". Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor admits to Tegan that he caught the Brigadier doing something VERY similar to this during the Cyberinvasion of the 70s. "But then EVERYONE DID. It was a different time." Groovy DVD Extras - A short 15 minute segment about Doctor Who-inspired gay pornography, hosted by Graham Norton, Terry Jones, Sir Sean Connery and God. Dialogue Disasters - ---- Doctor: Hold on to your arse...I'm about to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow... ---- ---- (Turlough adjusting the random location override in the transmat capsule) Brigadier: So, any signs of aliens? Turlough: What? Ohh...umm..No sir. No leads at all. Brigadier: Damn stealthy bastards. We'll find 'em Turlough, no worries. ---- Dialogue Triumphs - --- Marley: Perpetual blood orgy. Nyssa: Perpetual? Marley: Lust without end or form. Changing. Changing. Nyssa: I read something like that on alt.sex.anne-rice once! --- --- Black Guardian: The Doctor's good is my evil. His chocolate is my tofu! His wine is my urine! His french onion dip is my ear wax! Stop me if you've heard this before. --- Brigadier: Someone just walked over my grave. Doctor: Don't be silly! You don't die until 2013. Brigadier: WHAT?! Doctor: Ohh..umm..nevermind. ------------------------------------------------------------ Viewer Quotes - "For once the "baddies" didn't want to take over the Earth, but just wanted to rollerskate and dance to the Bee Gees. A new idea in Doctor Who." - Ian McIan (1984) "The magic of Doctor Who for me was embodied in that magical scene when the two Brigadiers FIND EACH OTHER. I watched that, I cried, I wore out the tape. It was beautiful." - Laura Smith (1997) "Rasta Babe Vampires - TAKE ME!!! TAKE MMMEEEE!" - Father James O'Maley (1983) "People always complain and say this story was unrealistic because you had a hardened war veteran teaching maths at a public school. Well I don't know about you man, but my maths teacher used to beat the shit out of me. I totally believe this story." - Ted Small (1985) Psychotic Nostalgia - "If you listen to "One Love" backwards, it's actually Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee speaking in code about the Hammer films. I know I can't prove it. But I can hear it man. When the song goes "vrrrrwwooorrllllwwwwweeeevvv" when you play it backwards -- that's actually Cushing telling you the complete inventory of an actual vampire hunting kit as used by the Russian Mafia." Peter Davison Speaks! "This story was one big plothole connected by dialogue. I recall thinking "There's no way this is going to work", because if you sit down and read the script it makes about as much sense as a cheese sandwich. But the magic is that when you watch the story, your mind just drifts off and you don't notice anything. That taught me a great secret. The audience is, by and large, completely uninvolved with the story and you can just do any old thing you like and most people won't notice. Just throw in some scene about crosstime masturbation to make them squirm a bit, and throw them off - and they'll just go along with anything after that." Nicholas Courtney Speaks! "I never liked how my bottom looked in that scene. Too flat. No one else noticed. But, I can't help it. I just SEE it. Staring back at me. Like some sort of DEMON bottom." Rumors & Facts - Producer JST was under the false impression that people gave a damn about trilogies. The E-Space Trilogy and the Bastard Trilogy had been met with luke warm disinterest, which JST somehow mistook for overwhelming success. JST decided that if something was a somewhat interesting idea the first time around, and then a slightly ill-conceived and mediocre idea the SECOND time around, that the third trilogy would be EVEN better! JST picked an old villain to return for the trilogy, seemingly at random. Thus we ended up with the Black Guardian trilogy. (And thankfully not the Quirk Trilogy or the Gobot Trilogy). This trilogy would see the introduction of an "evil" companion whose presence would heighten the level of suspense in Doctor Who if only he could be kept out of a locked broom cupboard. The story originally pegged to introduce Turlough was "The Song Of The Space Whale" named after a failed Klaatu album. The writer of the story, a drug addicted comic book fan named Jimmy, had a hallucination about a group of people living in the belly of a gigantic space whale. The was his first hallucination that he personally thought was cool enough to be expanded into a TV proposal. Everyone else on the planet was less enthusiastic, but nonetheless JST commissioned it. At this stage, however, Jimmy was becoming increasingly unhappy with the project, as he'd just had a MUCH cooler hallucination about singing mushrooms. After an incident at BBC Centre, apparently having something to do with live badger and Peter Davison's trousers, Jimmy was released from his involvement. The script was handed to the mysterious Kilgore Trout. Working solo, Trout made further progress with the serial, and when requested made the changes necessary to introduce Turlough (living amongst the whale colonists) and include the Black Guardian. However, disagreement arose between Trout and the Doctor Who production staff about what kind of whale it should be and if the inhabitants were hippies, beatniks, or just some kind of crazy cultists. Finally, it became clear that The Song Of The Space Whale would not be ready to serve as Turlough's introductory story - as the idea was stupid beyond belief. The scripts were not abandoned at this point on the insistence of JST, and Space Whale would be considered for inclusion in both Season Twenty-One and Twenty-Two (for which it was initially pencilled in as the second story). In the end, however, Trout became convinced that he was receiving alien transmissions in his tooth fillings that suggested he ask for an unprecedented 25 million pounds per episode. As the BBC was only willing to offer a free subscription to the Radio Times, all negotiations fell apart. And in July 1985 The Song Of The Space Whale was finally and firmly rejected. This insanity caused a vacuum as a story was needed to kick off the Black Guardian trilogy. JST thought an old companion should be included, as it was a random idea that occurred to him on the motorway and he made it his personal philosophy to follow such things. The original thought was that William Russell might reprise his role as Ian Chesterton, one of the first companions from 1963 (this, in turn, inspired the school setting of the serial). Unfortunately, the shooting schedule for Marley Undead was in direct conflict with Russell's plans of never EVER having anything to do with Doctor Who ever again for as long as he lived even at gunpoint. The production team then contacted Ian Marter about returning to play Harry Sullivan, but Marter too apparently had the same plans. JST turned to Jacqueline Hill, Carole Ann Ford, Maureen O' Brien, Peter Purves, Jackie Lane, Anneke Wills, Michael Craze, Frazer Hines, Deborah Watling, Wendy Padbury, Caroline John, Katy Manning, John Levene, Richard Franklin, Elisabeth Sladen, Louise Jameson, Mary Tamm, Lalla Ward, and even Adrienne Hill and Jean Marsh before turning to Nicholas Courtney, who had played the popular Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart. JST had met Courtney at Tom Baker's farewell party in early 1981, and when Courtney had indicated his desire to return to Doctor Who, Tom Baker loudly agreed about what a great idea that would be. It was most likely this incident that made JST place Courtney so low on his list. Meanwhile, Mark Strickson, was cast as Turlough. Strickson was visually similar to Peter Davison -- especially his blond, longish hair -- so Satan-Turner asked Strickson to shave his head and get several large, distinctive tattoos on his face. Strickson agreed, on the condition that he receive six months' extra pay as the tattoos might seriously limit his ability to land future roles. Balking at this, JST decided to just dye Strickson's hair some godawful colour. For the tenth millionth time, JST decided to feature a montage of stock footage clips, this time highlighting the Doctor's past relationship with the Brigadier and the Brigadier's controversial relationship with himself.