The One Hundred and Twenty-Seventh Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Basement Jaxx Serial 6E - Arc of Sinfinity - The scene is set on the dark, stormy, and desolate landscape of the planet Gallifrey -- which can in no way be mistaken for the Yorkshire Moors. In a tiny gothic Gallifreyian village, Whitby, a traitor has stolen the Doctor's bio-data from findafriend.com, the intergalactic trans-time dating service based deep in the heart of the Gallifreyian computational Matrix. The Matrix is something like a super internet with the complete, and incredibly disturbing, minds of the entire time lord civilization. The Time Lords do not notice this flagrant violation of all their security systems as they were all "occupied" in their gigantic Sinfinity Chambers. Inside of their vast Sinfinity Chambers they can recreate any experience, concept, event, or object from the tiniest nutrino up -- but mostly they tap into the power of Sinfinity to pioneer various advancements in pornography. So like I said earlier - it's basically all just a super internet. The power of the Sinfinity Chamber has, for once, been used for one of the legitmate purposes it was originally justified for -- allowing anti-matter constructs to exist inside of our matter based universe -- Whether or not it will ever be used to help with someone's homework remains to be seen. Since the Time Lords sold their massive and bureaucratic government on the idea of building the Sinifity Chambers -- each one requiring the complete destruction of several nearby parallel universes just to get some bandwidth going -- everyone has forgotten their original legitimate uses. Only the founding fathers of Time Lord Society remember the complete control they offer over computational reality. In order to permanently remain in the matter universe, the anti-matter alien must engage a fellow Time Lord in bondage -- and logically he has chosen The Doctor. When the Time Lord High Council, led by President Borusa, discover the theft of the bio-data, they are shocked to discover that the Matrix and Sinfinity components actually have forgotten legitmate purposes and order a complete review of all Sinfinity/Matrix functionality. An young officer, Maxil, asks what should be done with the Doctor now that his bio-data has been compromised. Borusa informs Maxil of his long standing friendship with the Doctor, his great affection for the "young man", and then tells Maxil that the Doctor must die. Borusa mutters something about "vulgar acts with luncheon meats", but his decision is never truly explained. Meanwhile, on Earth, in Amsterdam, in the red light district, Tegan is working full time. Her job at the Laytex Lair evaporated when she failed to show up. In desperation she decided to go to a relaxed place where everyone was stoned, horny, and Dutch -- and Amsterdam seemed the poster child for this situation. Overall Tegan is happy with her new life, everything seems fine, except for one thing that is - When Tegan first arrived in Amsterdam she unfortunately came under the attention of a hideous looking pimp - a repulsive giant chicken creature known as an Ergon. Her alien pimp from beyond the stars is deeply abusive, but at the same time difficult to take seriously. As the Ergon collects large quantities of cash from Tegan, the Doctor is recalled to dark forgotten world of the Time Lords. The Time Lords arrest the Doctor and sentence him to wear Graham Norton's wardrobe for the rest of eternity, but he is rescued from this fate worse than death by the alien, who appears incredibly jealous. The Doctor is imprisoned inside the Matrix -- yes that's right THE MATRIX -- the place where he has the entire power of the time lord race at his command...is it just me or is this an incredibly stupid place to imprison someone? From inside the Matrix the Doctor contacts the Time Lord race and informs them that the traitor who has stolen his bio-data and is even now gathering up rope and harness equipment, is none other than - Omigod, the ancient Time Lord that gave his race the ability to time travel. Omigod, who still remembers the official uses of the Sinfinity Chambers. Omigod, who once threatened to destroy all of Gallifrey in a mad act of revenge from his anti-matter universe. Omigod, who was once trapped behind an incredibly heavy piece of office furniture for millions of years. Omigod, who was once the subject of a horribly unpopular Gallifreyian Musical with such songs as "Whoops! Who Put That In My Black Hole?" Omigod is not surprised to hear any of this -- except for the last bit, which makes him deeply queasy. The Time Lords seem impotent, and Omigod deep inside the Matrix is ready to tie up the Doctor, perform the ceremonial bondage of Rassilon which will, somehow, allow him to remain forever in this universe. The Time Lords stand in shock and horror as Omigod slaps the Doctor silly with a rubber chicken. Nothing can save the race of the Time Lords now. The Doctor, using a complicated mixture of breathing techniques and muscle movements he learned from "Tantric Sex Art for Dummies", escapes the computational Matrix. The process of bondage was not entirely complete, and while Omigod has taken the Doctor's form, he will only temporarily be able to leave the Matrix to follow the Doctor. Against Nyssa's objections the Doctor has decided that all that rope and abuse has put him in the mood for a sex holiday. The Doctor pilots the TARDIS to the centre of Amsterdam's red light district - a scene leading to the classic double entendre "You can control it when you want to." Nyssa insists the Doctor handle the imminent destruction of the universe in a prompt fashion - but he insists that since he as a time machine a lost weekend of dope and sex will go unnoticed. The Doctor hands Nyssa a hash brownie and asks a nearby giant chicken if he knows any girls who might like his young assistant. Omigod materialises inside of the Van Gogh museum, where his rapidly decaying body is mistaken for an especially striking Post-Impressionist piece. Omigod runs through the city frantically, in order to take full advantage of location shooting, and finally tracks the Doctor down. Omigod explains to the Doctor that his decaying body will eventually result in a huge anti-matter explosion. If that should occur all of Amsterdam will be completely destroyed an horrific matter/anti-matter cancellation. Omigod asks the Doctor to stop talking to the Ergon and take him seriously, as the Doctor's only moral choice is to let the bondage cycle be completed. Annoyed with Omigod, the Doctor pulls a Luger out of his pocket and shoots him, and then asks the Ergon if he can see "this girl who dresses like an airline stewardess". Omigod completely forgot that his own death would result in the harmless evaporation of his body. And so Omigod turns to dust. The Doctor eventually realises that the Ergon is trying to hook him and Nyssa up with Tegan. The Doctor rescues Tegan from the evil clutches of the Ergon and she rejoins the TARDIS crew. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Gets Stoned Off His Arse Ergon: The Hooker Colouring Book Omigod, Laid Bare - Another Trashy Unauthorised Biography Fluffs - The unfortunate scene in which Peter Davison tries to say the common Dutch phrase: "Verkeerssituatie bereikbaarheid Leidseplein gewijzigd" Goofs - If the Doctor is executed, won't Omigod just have kinky bondage with another Time Lord? I mean, I may not know MUCH about the Time Lords, but if I was Borusa I'd be thinking "Better him than me!" Maybe the Time Lords have some deep repressed desire for this sort of thing. Omigod thrashing the Doctor with a rubber chicken makes the Ergon somehow even LESS impressive. Technobabble - "Of course Omigod, matter/anti-matter collision cancelation can be rather devasting to the temporal timeline overflow - but now that I've just blown your frickin' head off it won't matter now, will it? So! Ergon! You say this airline stewardess outfit is somewhat realistic? Does she offer peanuts and refreshments?" Links and References - This story is a sequel to the Tree Doctors. The Tree Doctor's simple explanation of "Stuff" and "Anti-Stuff" has been updated for the more savvy 80s audience. (Serial RRR) Also this story provides much of the basis and background for Lance Parkin's "The Sinfinity Doctors". (BBC Book #17) Untelevised Misadventures - On screen we see Tegan's business dealings with the Ergon. The Ergon claims to have many other girls under his employ including - An english girl who is constantly crying and holding onto him for comfort, an old school mistress, a highly educated ex-government vixen and her happy go lucky colleague. (Dodo, Barbara, Liz Shaw, and Mike Yates??????) Groovy DVD Extras - Footage from a 1983 BBC Special Effects Documentary in which a member of the special effects team is asked if he thinks the Ergon design went to far and proved too scary for children and responds by laughing so hard he has to be rushed to the hospital. Dialogue Disasters - --- Doctor: I'm sorry, I don't have any Guilders. Would you take Euros? They'll be good in 20 years or so...Oh wait... These are English Euros with King William V. Ummm.. those might take a little bit longer to come into use....this is so embarrassing. Would you take these British Dollars from a parallel dimension with King Aethelwulf IX? --- Dialogue Triumphs - --- Nyssa: This doesn't make sense Doctor. Doctor: What doesn't? Nyssa: You said the humans of this century don't know about the existence of strange alien creatures. Doctor: Yes that's right. Nyssa: But, this pimp, he's an alien that looks NOTHING like a human. Doctor: Yes Nyssa. Well, think of it this way. If you were human, and if you were in Amsterdam, and if you saw a giant chicken walking calmly across the red light district -- you'd probably think it was time to go home after a long evening in a coffee shop. This is the perfect city for aliens. --- Viewer Quotes - "WTF?!?!! This story's big sin was the way Tegan was reintroduced. What a coincidence that Tegan should go to Amsterdam to eek out life as a prostitute and her pimp would JUST HAPPEN to be an old friend of the Doctor's whom he JUST HAPPENED to visit after he got a little hot and bothered over the treatment he suffered at the hands of Omigod." - John Kroketten (August 1983) "I've heard of style over substance. But this story was style over style! There was no substance to be found -- which is almost impossible in Amsterdam!" - Charles Daniels, Bitchy Fan Review Monthly, December 1994 "When I saw this on UK Gold recently, I thought 'GREAT!! Michael Palin is in Amsterdam!!' It was only a few moments later I realised it wasn't a travelogue programme." - Dave Erwtensoep (July 1997) "I downloaded the original script for this story, the rough draft version when it was still called "The Tulips of Death". It was way better. A lot more exploration of the Red Light District and a lot less plot. How the hell we ended up with this version, I'll never figure out." - Spamboy2001 (November 2003) (Ed. Note: The "Tulips of Death" version is available only on eBay. I should know. I wrote it myself. For money. I'd say I was sorry for the fraud. But I'm not. I LOVE money.) "I usually identify with the villain in Doctor Who. But Omigod was one villain I could never come around to. I think the moment that really illustrated for me was Omigod's moment of happiness by the barrel organ in Amsterdam. I could NEVER be happy with barrel organ music droning on about me!! And I would have crushed that kid's head." - Sam Asperges (March 1993) Psychotic Nostalgia - "THE TULIPS ARE TALKING TO ME MAN!!! MAKE 'EM STOP!!! OH GOD!! MAKE 'EM STOP!!!!" Peter Davison Speaks! "You know life is full of coincidences. I remember when we were filming the Arc of Sinifinity, we were terribly worried. John and the whole production staff, and really a great deal of the BBC, had been looking for Janet Fielding as she was meant to come back for the season. When she didn't turn up we weren't sure what do to, and eventually we just had go to Amsterdam to start filming. Anyway, one night John and I just happened to find ourselves in the red light district and who was there BUT Janet! We rescued her from the red light district! What are the odds? It's just the sort of thing that no one believes. Amazing how they were able to work it into the script. I don't know if the plucked chicken monster was a reference to her actual pimp or..well..something else entirely." Rumors & Facts - The production staff realised that now they had finally rid themselves of Tom Baker, that they could FINALLY go to Amsterdam for location shooting. Serial 4P was briefly considered with an Amsterdam setting but this was dropped when the Netherlands was unwilling to allow Tom Baker into the country citing the now infamous 1969 incident. It is interesting to note that in 2002 the Netherlands temporarily reconsidered Tom Baker's ban after he starred in a series of uplifting advertisments for P&O Ferries. However, 14 hours after being admitted into the Rotterdam Europort, Tom Baker was again deported and is still currently under investigation by the EU. JST commissioned a script from Johnny Byrne and specified that he needed a story which would feature Amsterdam as a key plot element, reunite Tegan with the Doctor, and involve political intrigue. When JST was asked why he was so intent on an Amsterdam setting for the serial he invariably came up with multiple illogical reasons before finally breaking down and admitting to being an extremely sad Triangle fan. Byrne, having agreed to JST restraints, submitted a script entitled "The Time Of Doom". In "The Time of Doom" the Doctor has been having homoerotic nightmares about a masculine being from a parallel universe who steals his body and takes it on a joyride through Amsterdam sex clubs. The production staff had immediate concerns about "The Time Of Doom" - First of all it followed none of the requirements that Byrne had agreed to - The Amsterdam location was incidental to the plot, failed to mention Tegan, and involved absolutely no hint of political intrigue. Most of all the production staff were DEEPLY concerned because, after reading the script, JST WANTED TO DO IT ANYWAY! In fact they had to stop JST from spending the entire budget on matador costumes and baby oil. Fan advisers, veteran Who writers, and the script editor joined forces to convince JST that the story could be revamped to include an old villain, expand Gallifreyian mythos, AND still have some sort of kinky element. At first JST seemed unconvinced, and no one was quite sure how to deliver all these various aspects into one story. After countless days and nights of pondering, speculating, brainstorming and drinking -- the concept of the Sinfinity Chamber was born. The Arc of Sinfinity was first broadcast in 1983, and since that time fans have often looked back, pondered it's meaning, and declared it a huge pile of crap. I for one am in no rush to contradict them. On a quirky note, one day during rehearsal, JST jokingly said to the actor playing Maxil that if something horrible were to happen to Peter Davison, he'd just have to use him in the role instead. From that second onward Colin Baker was on the move to kill Peter Davison on screen and off.