The One Hundred and Twenty-Eighth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Serpents Serial 6D - Snakedate - In the dark corridors of infinite power, far beyond the edges of what mere mortals call reality, is a kitten of unimaginable power. This kitten, known formally as the God of Chaos, has called upon the lesser civilization of the Time Lords to fulfill a cosmic destiny. Covertly the Time Lords direct the Doctor and company to the planet Manussa. On the planet Manussa they make it clear to the Doctor, while he is separated from his companions, that he must over look the evil of the Mara and try to reconcile their differences. The Time Lords realise that a political marriage between the Time Lord president and one of the ancient gods of darkness would really be a boost to their status in the next meeting of the "Nearly Immortal God-like Aliens Society". The Doctor tries to avoid the situation by claiming that he has no way of knowing how to even contact the Mara after all this time has passed between them. Unfortunately for the Doctor, the Time Lords have foreseen this and are able to provide him with the address to the Mara's "secret apartment lair". The Doctor asks how he can be SURE this is REALLY the Mara's carefully concealed hiding place, but the Time Lords assure him it will be obvious.
The Doctor strides out into the main city of Manussa, Really New York, unsure of what adventure lies ahead. Upon his arrival he meets a landlord and his son, Lon, who have been trying to evict the Mara from their apartment building for over 500 years. The legal case against the Mara has become so complex and laden with paperwork that Ambril, the Director of Historical Research, has to work full time to maintain the libraries now solely dedicated to the squatting case. The Doctor uses the distraction of a complex ceremony that the locals have developed over the past 5 centuries, to sneak into the apartment armed only with a dozen roses and a bottle of cheap wine. In the time honoured tradition of their courtship - the Mara makes a half-hearted attempt to kill him. Retreating away from his ex, the Doctor meets up with Tegan. Tegan has been having dreams of a disturbing nature involving his previous incarnation and Adric. The Doctor tries to soothe Tegan, telling her that after her stint as a Amsterdam call girl, such dreams are perfectly normal and will fade with time. Tegan however does not take this so lightly. She is terrified that the dreams might never cease. She begs the Doctor for a cure. As one might expect, the Doctor has all the components to create a dream-inhibiting device in his pockets. He places the device on Tegan, and apologises for the Hello Kitty sticker on the Alpha Wave Descrambler. As it turns out this part was salvaged from a Hello Kitty Dream Suppression Machine that was briefly available on 21st century earth. Tegan strides forward into Really New York with a sense of sanity and calm restored to her. However, when she reaches it's Red Light District the device is overloaded from her neural impulses and explodes. The homoerotic images come fast and furious and her mind snaps. Dazed, she enters a smoky gentlemen's club, an act that triggers the stripper within her, enabling her to finally come into possession of some local currency. Meanwhile, the Doctor tries to figure out a new approach to dealing with the Mara. He doesn't want to meet the Mara face to face so soon after it's initial bad reaction to him, and he can't even handle a phone conversation. As a safer alternative, he texts the Mara "R U OK? C u 2nite @ 7 ok?" Within a few moments the Doctor receives the reply "k", and knows that his chances are still open. At 7pm he returns, and after careful consideration that this is a date with a dark god of unspeakable evil, he brings 13 wilting black roses and a bottle of True Value Gin. After a rocky start, the conversation and gin begin to flow more freely. The Doctor wonders if perhaps he was too quick to judge The Mara, and considers settling down to a life of unrelenting entropy. Sadly, before their love and future can be cemented, Tegan wanders into the middle of the date - and in a drunken, jealous rage she rips the Mara into a million jillion pieces with her bare hands. Even a dark god from before the beginning of time isn't a match for a pissed off and possessive Tegan fueled by a confusing stream of lust, desire, and Schnapps. Somewhere, slightly beyond the veil of what we would understand as reality - a kitten is mildly annoyed. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Date From Hell Godzilla Versus Snakera Dr Who Luv: TXT YOR WAY IN2 HER PANTS Goofs - In the original script the God of Chaos was described as "A sleek feline killing machine". How this got translated into a ginger kitten, I'll never know. Why is the Doctor willing to obey the time lords? Is there some surreal temporal black mail going on here? Technobabble - "Don't be embarrassed by how it looks. The Hello Kitty sticker will probably even enhance it's neuro-static translative block properties!" Links and References - Adric and the 4th Doctor are repeatedly mentioned by Tegan who, overall, seems to be having a rather rough time of it. It is unclear if these "dreams" are of her own demented psyche or have some actual basis in her repressed memories. Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor tries to remind the Mara of their simpler, more loving times - such as the time they spent a summer backpacking across a nearby parallel dimension. Groovy DVD Extras - Several cut scenes featuring the more graphic moments of Tegan's dreams. I haven't watched these yet. In fact I've been too terrified to put the DVD into my player. Dialogue Disasters - --- Dojjen: Fear is the only poison. Doctor: What about arsenic? Dojjen: Oh yeah. Well. There is that. --- -- Doctor: Wait! Are you telling me you've pulled my companions and myself out of time at a potentially dangerous moment in the dematerialization process -- Because you want to set me up on a date with a snake god of unbelievable evil? Time Lord: Yup. That's the gist of it. -- Dialogue Triumphs - --- Doctor: Dreams are important... never underestimate them. Tegan: Not these dreams Doctor! OH GOD! If only you saw what you were doing with your scarf! -- -- The Mara: I offer you fear in a handful of dust. Doctor: Well..thank you. But tea will be fine. --- Viewer Quotes - "A rich vein of ideas and imagination netted together by a paper mache snake." - Tim Dowson (1984) "This adventure featured a big hat with lots of heads on it. We need more of that sort of thing in Science Fiction." - Slightly Off Kilter Fan Review Monthly (March 1983) "I contacted the BBC, as I had been working on my masterpiece. Slaving away for a good decade on an awesome story that would totally revolutionize Doctor Who. Just before I sent the script in I was crushed to see Snakedate. I had literally just spent ten years perfecting my script in which the Time Lords force the Doctor to go on a blind date with a Quirk. I was sure that I had crafted the adventure that would return the Quirks to television. The script was actually still being written with Doctor Who number three in mind. But I was hoping no one would notice. I mean, Tegan is much like Sarah Jane Smith. And both Doctors drive cars." - The Creator of the Quirks (1990) "Snakes always reminded me of Satan. That's why I keep them as pets. Scares the hell of the kids when I let my boa, Razor, squeeze them a bit." - Father James O' Maley (1983) Psychotic Nostalgia - "The Black Roses were a good idea. But take it from me - the only thing those dark gods from before the beginning of forever want to drink is fresh, comforting Kentucky Bourbon. That's why I always keep a supply ready in my bath tub." Peter Davison Speaks! "This was a great chance for Janet to do a lot of evil acting. She was always great at that. This story was written to explain what we were thinking when we made Kinda'. So if Kinda' was Buddhism Extreme, Snakedate was Buddhism Light with a twist of lemon." Matthew Waterhouse Speaks! "Snakedate was really a disappointment. They didn't call me back for the Adric love scenes. I can't recall which actor they used for the part. Just some anonymous guy in bad pajamas. I guess I'm glad that they chose that option at least. I heard rumors they were going to get some kind of chimp to play Adric. It was all suppose to be a dream so they thought it would work. Make it more surreal. But I guess there's some things even Tom Baker won't do with a monkey." Rumors & Facts - A couple of weeks prior to the start of production on Snakedate, on March 18th, 1982, series star Peter Davison was asked to film what he believed was a promotional trailer for Australian television. In fact, this was a ruse. In reality, when Davison arrived on location, he was surprised to find Matthew Waterhouse, Sarah Sutton and Janet Fielding already there in full costume -- and even more surprised to discover they were there to beat him senseless. What exact evil Davison had committed to drive his co-workers to this act is complete speculation - but according to my inside sources Waterhouse, Sutton, and Fielding had been told that Davison was instrumental in the designs of their costumes. Apparently they learned this when JST mentioned that he gave full companion design privileges to the newly incoming Doctor. It is unclear if JST was being honest or merely thought of a clever lie to avoid being lured into a dark alley and beaten about the head with a broken bottle. Apparently, when Davison learned of the trio's motives, he forgave them entirely for any wrong doing and dropped the issue. It was after this unfortunate incident that JST relented, allowing both Fielding and Sutton to vary their wardrobe.