The One Hundred and Twentieth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' MC Escher http://www.mcescher.com/ Serial 5Z - Convex and Concave - Tegan and Nyssa return the Doctor to the TARDIS after his bizarre regeneration. Inside the TARDIS the Doctor regains consciousness and begins to scream obscenities in French. After a few moments of verbally assaulting everyone nearby, the Doctor bolts into the corridors. Outside the TARDIS, Adric is sulking about something. The Bastard's TARDIS materializes next to Adric, and leather whips emerge striking him down. Tegan and Nyssa emerge from the TARDIS just as the Bastard's vanishes, leaving a stunned Adric. Tegan and Nyssa usher him inside, where he immediately sets a new destination for the TARDIS. Adric huffily leaves the control room, without even bothering to thank Nyssa and Tegan for saving him. The girls ignore Adric's typical teenage angst and start a conversation about how the Doctor has suddenly gone all sexy. In the endless corridors of the TARDIS the Doctor is unravelling all his clothing -- for some reason. The Doctor's erratic personality is beginning to disintegrate. The Doctor drifts through the behavioural traits of his previous incarnations, calls Adric 'Jamie' -- and realizes, to his horror, that he has forgotten how to call someone a wanker in French. Meanwhile in the console room, Tegan and Nyssa have discovered the TARDIS data bank - the most powerful database ever constructed for sharing music and pornography online. Eventually, they navigate through endless files and determine that they are on a programmed course, but they have no idea what "Kiss Your Arse Goodbye: Event One" means. Not done with his sulking for the day, Adric abandons the Doctor and sets off in search of his room where he plans to write poems about how girls never like him and how horrible it is to have a spotty face. The Bastard, watching from the safety of his own TARDIS, is amused by his behaviour, knowing Adric will never be loved until he stops feeling sorry for himself and takes a shower. The Doctor, suffering from various bouts of insanity, decides that he is a professional cricket player named Angus McNugget. In the delirium of the moment he changes into a cricket outfit and a beige trenchcoat. He then hears the distant sound of Adric's bedroom door slamming shut, and rushes off to investigate, running into Tegan and Nyssa on the way. The Doctor is continuing to weaken and nearly collapses before Nyssa drags him into Adric's room, an environment completely isolated from the rest of the universe. Once cut off from the reality and sanity of the outside world the Doctor's health is restored, although it will take quite some time for him to fully recover, and eventually he will have to go outside and face the galaxy. Simply put - Adric's negativity, and lack of self-esteem has created a small area in which the usual laws of the universe just can't be bothered. The Doctor tells his companions that they will all have their parts to play sexually -- even Adric. Tegan and Nyssa seem interested in the Doctor and approach him about a quick one on Adric's bed. The Doctor explains to all three of his companions the he is the embodiment of "The Watcher", and was hoping to see all three of his companions engaged in depravity -- while he rested and watched. Nyssa and Tegan are put off by the idea of sleeping with Adric, and back away from the Doctor. Hoping to convince Tegan and Nyssa of his plan, the Doctor tells them that the Adric in the room with them is in fact a Block Transfer Computation and that the real Adric is now a prisoner of the Bastard. Unfortunately, they don't even want to get friendly with a COPY of Adric. The BTC Adric rushes out of the room, now REALLY sulking, and feeling depressed. The girls also decide to leave the Doctor, partly to let him rest, but mostly to deal with this revelation. Back in the console room Nyssa discovers that Adric programmed the TARDIS to travel back in time to the creation of the universe. As the TARDIS begins to shake with turbulence, the Bastard appears on the TARDIS' scanner, gloating, as Adric hangs pinioned in a web of bondage in the background. Nyssa turns off the scanner screen so she won't have to see the Bastard any longer, and she and Tegan try to find some way of surviving the cliffhanger. The Bastard, meanwhile, hovers nearby in Time and Space, using Adric as a source of Geek Energy to generate Block Transfer Computations. The Bastard reminds Adric how the girls and the Doctor didn't want to shag him. The Bastard also tells Adric that the Doctor is doomed. The Bastard asks Adric to join forces with him and co-operate willingly. At first this doesn't seem to be a powerful enough argument, so the Bastard promises Adric that the full power of the Web of Bondage shall be his, if only he would join forces. Adric immediately agrees to befriend the Bastard. The Bastard watches and gloats as the TARDIS is apparently destroyed by Event One. Tegan and Nyssa however have actually avoided destruction by a mysterious means that is never explained or ever mentioned again. The Bastard prepares to break his promise to Adric, and starts to release Adric from the Bondage web, as he no longer requires vast amounts of geek energy. However, as a procaution, the Bastard boosts power through the web, burning through Adric's resistance in sweet torture and revealing that the TARDIS has survived and escaped Event One after all. Tegan and Nyssa look up information on voyeurism in the TARDIS data bank, and find a suggestion that Time Lords can overcome this fetish if they travel into cities based on the designs of artist MC Escher. The suggested location is the twin cities of Convex and Concave, which are apparently places of relaxation and comfort located deep in the Gagralactic War Zones. Tegan prepares to pilot the TARDIS while Nyssa returns to the Adric's room - for some reason she won't explain. Nyssa and the Doctor are skeptical that Tegan can actually pilot the complex time machine, and are convinced that someone else is responsible for the journey -- although neither of them can imagine who it might be. They both spend several minutes trying to think of anyone they know who might have the ability to take over the TARDIS and navigate it to a location of their choice. They ponder who might have the motivation to re-direct them to a planet of rest and relaxation that just happens to be located in one of the most violent and deadly sectors of the galaxy. Eventually they just decide to forget about it and have some biscuits. Curious and jealous, Tegan enters Adric's room, but finds the Doctor and Nyssa talking about quantum theory and eating Jaffa Cakes. When the Doctor asks them if Adric has safely returned to the TARDIS after he exposed the duplicate - Tegan and Nyssa are forced to admit that Adric has betrayed them and joined forces with the Bastard in some sort of kinky bondage web. The Doctor immediately asks if they recorded any of this from the TARDIS monitors as he'd REALLY love to watch what the Bastard has been doing to Adric. Tegan and Nyssa quickly attempt to change the topic, but it's too late, The Doctor insists upon rescuing Adric immediately. The Doctor uses the TARDIS systems to call the Bastard collect. The Doctor launches into a long and spirited speech demanding the freedom of his companion, and to Adric's disappointment, and the Doctor's shock, the Bastard immediately agrees. The Bastard has come to realise that he has set some standards for himself since his time as a sea lion, and that hanging out with Adric, even for evil alterior motives, isn't the kind of lifestyle he really wants. The Bastard returns Adric to the Doctor's TARDIS, and apologises for his past misdeeds. The Bastard then says that he needs some time to go off and be evil on a smaller scale, just to get used to the idea again. Also the Bastard explains that he would appreciate it if the Doctor didn't get involved with his next two or three schemes. At first the Doctor seems to be outraged by the idea that he should just "play nice for awhile, and piss off", but then the Bastard mentions certain secret photos and information from the dark days when they were roommates, and the Doctor agrees to the Bastard's demands -- for now. As a token of peace the Bastard returns a Blue Oyster Cult record that he had borrowed, but never returned, back in their Academy days. Book(s)/Other Related - Dr Who & Pointless Waste of Time Look But Don't Touch: The Davison Years Blue Oyster Cult - Fire of Unknown Origin Fluffs - Peter Davison seemed befuddled and perverse for most of this story Goofs - As with his first regeneration, the metamorphosis completely ignores the laws of conservation of energy. Technobabble - An Escher overdrive is used by the Bastard to create a complex fractal universe that defies all reason -- but is never mentioned again. Links and References - The Doctor calls Adric "Jamie" and "Ian". He calls Tegan "Susan" and "Sarah Jane". He calls Nyssa "Leela" and "You naughty slut" - the same nickname he once gave Jo. Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor tells Adric that he once fought in a deadly battle of wits against a being of unimaginable power named Jimmy. Groovy DVD Extras - An easter egg contains a deleted scene in which Adric reads his newest poem "Why Do Pretty Girls Hurt Me So?" Dialogue Disasters - Nyssa: I know so little about teletubbiogenesis. Tegan: If! My dad used to say that "if" was the shortest word in the English language. Nyssa: What about "A" and "I"? Tegan: Well, my dad was sort of a moron. Dialogue Triumphs - Tegan: Doctor, can you see how many fingers I'm holding up? Doctor: With my eyes, no, but in my philosophy... Tegan: Right, he's talking crap again, better sedate him. Doctor: I AM The Watcher! I Love to Watch! Viewer Quotes - "Tom Baker's debut story was quite a disappointment, but Convex and Concave was definitely not that. It was brim-full of original perversions and pleasant surprises. Whether you're into leather, classic torture, group sex, or just sitting back and seeing what happens -- it has it all!" - Trevor Smith (1982) "I wonder if it was not too cerebral for the audience - all the different shapes, the imagery, the artistic visions, and the French. Would it not perhaps have been better to have started with a crappy monster story to grab the lazy nacho-eating American audience?" - Arrogant British Intellectual Magazine (April, 1989) "This is a sad state of affairs. The Doctor, for once, just wanted to sit and watch his companions have it off in a torrid lesbian free for all..but not get involved. If it were me, I would have jumped right in there and had them all -- even the spotty boy!" - Father James O' Maley (1982) "Doctor Who is a series that is always discovering and experimenting sexually, but never more so than when the reign of a new Doctor begins." - Penthouse (March, 1982) Psychotic Nostalgia - "I've been to the conventions. I've read the newsgroups. No one takes it seriously when the Doctor talks about the the ancient god of unbelievable power. But I've met Jimmy and he's one freaky deity. I'm not saying he's a bad guy. Sure, he has human souls for tea, but he really LIKES love songs. That's very rare for a demonic entity from before the beginning of time." Tom Baker Speaks! "The last few seconds of my time as a children's hero. It's so emotional to see them pass by, even now. I savour each frame. My life back then, my life now. The changes I have felt in my life are impossible to describe. Watching those last few moments of myself as the Doctor. It reminds me of what I've lost. My youth. My passion. My innocence. How I long for the days when I was beloved, when I was a shining beacon of inspiration to children across the world. The tears have been shed, the time has passed. NOW UNTIE ME FROM THIS FUCKING COUCH YOU MANIAC!!!" - The Last Words Tom Baker spoke on my couch before I set him free into the wild, like a sparrow I recently weened from a broken wing. Within three seconds he had knocked me cold and drank all my floor polish. Trivia - This is the first story on which the Doctor is credited as 'The Doctor' in the closing credits. Previously the credit had always read either 'Time Travelling Loser' or 'Perverted SOB'. Rumors & Facts - This story has quite a few little problems. The Bastard had no way of knowing what had become of the Doctor and his companions after fleeing in his own TARDIS, and yet he is already prepared at the beginning of this story to kidnap Adric and trap him within a web of pain. Does the Bastard's TARDIS come fully stocked with ready made bondage paraphernalia? Using Adric's geek skills, he then causes the Doctor's TARDIS to travel back to the very start of the universe, where he fully expects the Doctor to be destroyed - only to be defeated by some unknown method. Even as the TARDIS veers away from Event One, however, Tegan discovers yet another trap! This tends to suggest that the Bastard actually expects each of his plans to fail, arguably making him seem less like an evil mastermind and more like a total dweeb. Things improve considerably in the second half of the story, when the Doctor starts asking his companions to take their kits off and do nasty with each other. But again HOW DID the Bastard know that the Doctor would regenerate into a voyeur? Does he know the dark secrets of the Watcher? Know something from their time together on Gallifrey? Or is it all just a freakily accurate guess? Davison brings forth a good and convincing Doctor. However his companions and even the Doctor himself are doomed to wear costumes that are quite frankly crap and make them stand out everywhere they go. Satan-Turner's dream of having a cast dressed like trained monkeys was at last a reality. The first story of Season Nineteen was always intended to be the final installment of a trilogy of stories. The first two installments, The Zoo Keeper of Traken and Death Comes to Tom, arguably made SOME sense. The real problem with the Bastard trilogy is that there was no planning. All the documentation suggests that Bidmead and Satan-Turner read somewhere that a trilogy was a story told in three parts, then decided to budget three Bastard stories in a row. The subtle things, like having an arc to the story, or some sense of advancement, was obviously lost to them. Originally, the season premiere was to be "Project 36DD". This was a story about nuclear disarmament, in which the Doctor tricks the US and the USSR into destroying their weapons cache and replacing them with giant Jelly Babies. Although the Bastard did not appear in the original draft, the writers were asked to shoehorn him into their plot. The writers re-worked their script and turned in a new version of their story entitled "Project Zeta-Sigma". Satan-Turner was apparently unhappy with the result, as the writers made the Bastard the President of the United States. Satan-Turner thought this story ignored Britain and would therefore alienate their core audience. Satan-Turner did a radical re-write that was oddly sympathic to the USSR and their battles against the evil Bastard as the Prime Minister. This new version "Incident At Milton Keynes" was seen as politically incorrect and completely insane. Bidmead then wrote his own version of the script "Project: Zeta Plus" which featured the Doctor as the Prime Minister and the Bastard as the leader of the Soviet Union. This version was criticized by the original writers because it wasn't in line with their original artistic vision and included a lot of scenes featuring the Bastard stabbing people with bananas and arm wrestling with Fidel Castro. The original writers took over the next version of the script "Project: Zeta Plus One". Despite all the work invested in the story, however, it was still crap. Soon became clear that it bore a number of difficulties, such an entire scenes which were virtually impossible to realise on camera without a budget of at least 75 pounds. The BBC was very insistent that even though this episode was to introduce a NEW Doctor Who, they would not allow the production team to spend more than the regular 16.99 Meanwhile, in the real world, Doctor Who was enjoying it's worst ratings ever. Several reports generated that the time suggest that the only viewers Doctor Who actually had were very nervous and paranoid people who were under the impression that if they ever changed the channel off BBC1 their televisions would explode. Due to low ratings the BBC Controller decided that Doctor Who was to be moved from it's traditional Saturday evening time slot and instead be moved to 3am on Tuesdays. Behind the scenes, things were also not looking good. After abandoning their latest draft of "Project Zeta Theta Plus One Trombone Neck Wobbler" a new script had to be generated - and fast! Satan-Turner and Bidmead desperately needed every penny of the 16.99 they had available. So they had to find someone who could write the scripts they required but wasn't too fussy about being paid. After contacting their usual suspects they'd come up dry. By coincidence Bidmead remembered some paintings he'd seen in the BBC Offices. These were drawn by the Dutch artist Maurits Cornelius (MC) Ecsher. Bidmead especially liked these drawings because their optically illusory nature had been a source of irritation for Satan-Turner. Bidmead asked around and finally made contact with the MC Escher Fan Club. Bidmead asked the club if they'd like to write an episode of Doctor Who based loosely on the drawings of Escher, not for money - but just to SEE the awesome worlds of Escher brought to life on the TV screen through the magic of Doctor Who. The Escher fan club enthusiastically agreed -- not realising they had just fallen for the biggest con job of the century. BBC Computers were in no way advanced enough to create virtual sets that resembled the striking mathematical features of the Dutch artist, and even if they were, by this point the production team only had 8p left. All the scenes of the magical twin cities of Concave and Convex were cut from the final script without warning and Satan-Turner padded out the remaining material with lots of sexual innuendo and scenes which featured Adric sulking. The immoral engine of Doctor Who production continued to roll.