The One Hundred and Twenty-First Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Timesheet Serial 5W - File On Doomsday - The TARDIS materialises aboard a flying office block near the legendary Frogstar. The Doctor, Tegan, Adric and Nyssa meet the a few frog-like aliens dressed in orange and blue leisure suits. The frogoids - Ecstasy, Persuasion, and their leader, Bernard - are super-intelligent creatures of pure evil and chaos. However as cool this sounds, they somehow overcome the stereotypes associated with creatures of pure evil and are incredibly boring. Aboard the flying office block the TARDIS crew meet humans taken from various ages in Earth's past - Bigotus, a Greek; Gin Fukyu from China; Timmy, an Aborigine; and a Mayan, Larry Fredrickson. Bernard has been piloting his enourmous office building between Earth and Frogstar for many centuries. These repeated trips have altered all humankind. In dark caves riddled around the planet earth are paintings of frogmen talking on cellphones, writing notes on little yellow sticky pieces of paper, and sitting around a large rectangular tables in unending staff meetings of the gods. Bernard admits to the Doctor that on his last trip to earth he discovered a remote tribe of pygmys worshipping a stapler his receptionist had left behind. Apparently he was able to recognise the stapler due to the dynamo label, and the fact that the advanced technology required to build a stapler was simply unknown to these earth ape creatures. The Doctor soon discovers the true horror of the frogstar aliens. The humans onboard have been officially filed as office supplies, and barely survive in a small office supply storeroom - the key to which was lost some 400 years previously. Bernard plans to use these living office supplies in his ultimate conquest of the earth. Bernard doesn't want to conquer the earth for the power, prestige, or even for it's vital stragetic location. Instead Bernard is deeply worried that he will fail to spend all of his "hostile invasion" budget by the end of the fiscal year. Bernard hopes that his inexperienced crew, combined with a handful of outdated human servants who've been living off sniffing markers for a few centuries, will prove little match for the forces of 1981 earth. With any luck Bernard will go entirely over his alotted expenses and will be able to demand a huge increase from his superiors. The Doctor confronts Bernard, telling him that it is completely immoral to kill his own workers and countless human beings in an insane and desperate attempt to afford a few more ballpoint pens in the next quarter. Bernard smiles and assures the Doctor that he is an awesome manager and knows what's best. Bernard betrays that he has the same delusion as managers all across the galaxy - He believes himself to be God. The Doctor tells Bernard that he can't be god, and to prove it he challenges him to a zero G cricket match in outerspace. Bernard and the Doctor gear up and play the most vicious and evil game of instellar cricket in the history of the universe, pausing only for cucumber sandwhiches. After days of intense play, the fate of the universe on the line, the Doctor beats Bernard -- roundly -- with the cricket bat. The game is called due to bad sportsmanship. The Doctor is desperate and tries to think of a solution to this horrible dilemma. After moments of intense thought in the office supply room/makeshift prison, the Doctor discovers that he has all the materials needed to create a hydrogen bomb - 12 blue pens, 8 black pens, 3 orange highlighters, 17 pads of yellow sticky notes, 3 bottles of liquid paper, and a package of AA Batteries. The Doctor hastily assembles the bomb, and sets it using a makeshift timer created from a disposable paper plate and a rubber eraser. Closing the TARDIS doors just in time, the office block explodes killing the Frogstar employees. The Doctor assumes he and his companions are safe - however, aboard the TARDIS, Nyssa collapses due to an overdose of the colorful markers she sniffed in the breakroom. Book(s)/Other Related - Dr Who & The Manager of Death Dilbert: Timesheet of the Gods Office Supplies Anonymous Fluffs - Peter Davison seemed overworked for most of this story Goofs - Tegan calmly mentions that she speaks 3,000 Aboriginal languages that are over 35,000 years old! She explains this away later by suggesting that all people from Australia know at LEAST a few hundred languages from the dawn of time. Fashion Victims - Tegan's outfit was fashioned after and designed by the Human League. Technobabble - "Because this game is in zero gravity, Doctor. I've decided to use ultra-refined super-uranium tackyon stumps. The universe will remain entirely safe -- as long as you don't knock them over." Links and References - Adric works out the precise trajectory of the cricket balls using Nyssa's undergarments, just as he did in The Zoo Keeper of Traken. Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor claims that he once went to the Frogstar in order to stop inhumane experiments with a perspective vortex. Groovy DVD Extras - 3 cut scenes featuring Adric carefully arranging petticoats. Dialogue Disasters - Doctor: Nyssa, relieve him. Nyssa: WHAT?! What about you? Doctor: I'll just sit here...and..observe. Adric: He knows I'm no good with my hands! Dialogue Triumphs - Doctor: Don't mock him Tegan. He may be a strange disgusting self-absorbed frog - but he's got better fashion sense than you. Viewer Quotes - "The scenes involving The Doctor playing cricket and eating cucumber sandwhiches, without a spacesuit, were ludicrous but not really funny, I just felt -- VIOLATED. It was such crap really." - Tom Neeman (1982) "I can't be sure, but, I always thought god LOOKED kind of like a frog. And I don't mean French." - Father James O' Maley (1981) "I used to have a boss like that - evil, remorseless, petty. Come to think of it, my current boss is much like that. Actually, you know, now that you mention it -- yeah, they've all been that way." - David Grimes (1983) "Shockingly frightening. Shockingly real." - Charles Daniels (2003) Psychotic Nostalgia - "Don't trust amphibians. I swear man. Last time I thought about God -- my house caught on fire. Sure, I was burning some religious texts in the middle of my livingroom and sort of egging god on to bring his wraith upon me -- but it was still pretty cool. Wanna see the scar?" Matthew Waterhouse Speaks! Getting Matthew Waterhouse to agree to talk with me was not an easy task. After constant nagging he reluctantly agreed to meet me in a gay nightclub in Soho. I begged him to tell me about his days as a Doctor Who icon and to autograph my Tom Baker underwear - "I'm not sure that I have all that much to say about it all", he smiled cheekily. But before he could touch me I slipped him a cheap knock out drug and dragged him back to my flat where I tied him to my couch - which was still.. infested..from Tom Baker's tenure. "I was never a great actor." Matthew confided to me when he woke up the next morning. "I was quite shy but, for some reason, John Satan-Turner took a real interest in me. I think he was attracted by my more sensitive side; that is, I read quite a bit of Shakespeare in my early teens and had always liked poetry. Yet at the same time I spent most of my childhood reading Marvel Comics, especially Fantastic Four. I decided to become an actor when I realised I would never grow up and become Thing!" "How do I feel about what happened with Adric? Failure is more interesting than success. At least that's what I told myself -- so I wouldn't cry myself to sleep at night." "I was REALLY excited the night Circle Jerk episode one was shown on telly for the first time. I got together with my greatest friends..a few guys I had met at a Doctor Who convention and played Dungeons and Dragons with a few times, they let me be an elf and everything. It was great. Anyway after ten minutes of watching the first episode, these guys picked me up, ran into the street and stuffed me in a rubbish bin, crying that I had ruined Doctor Who forever. I'll tell you, it was really uncomfortable when I went back the next week to play D&D with them. But my elf was SOO close to getting Ullomo's Boots of Uncontrollable Dancing! Anyway, the guys kept killing my elf character, which sucked as I had invested all that time and effort to raise him all the way up to a level three character. After that I found myself ambling around the park behind our house, kicking a stone and feeling mildly depressed." "I felt really guilty, and I wanted to apologise to Tom and Lalla because I didn't get onto the show in the most honest or honourable way. I remember on the first day waiting for Tom to come and say hello to me. I really wanted him to start a conversation with me -- HE WAS SINBAD! Anyway, by lunchtime Tom hadn't done so I sidled into the pub and stood on the other side of the room and to my amazement he still didn't. By four o' clock I thought it was getting silly, so I went over and said hello to him. He told me to piss off, and from that moment he's always reminded me of my dad. I became inordinatly fond of him. To this day on the rare occassions when I see him before he sees me I glow with affection for this quite monstrous man. A few years ago, it was so great, I was at a Doctor Who Reunion party, and he denied ever having even MET me! Even though we worked together for weeks. Isn't that wild?" Trivia - In a tape recovered last August, Osama Bin Laden praises this as his favourite Doctor Who story. Rumors & Facts - Doctor Who writers were waking up at night screaming, realising that they somehow had to fit four main characters into all their scripts, and three of these characters had to spend most their time screaming and getting rescued by the one competent character they had to work with. Satan-Turner watched the stories carefully, and seemed to notice a chemistry developing between Davison and Sarah Sutton. Satan-Turner believed that a happy actor was a spoiled actor. And immediately set upon a plan to keep Adric and Tegan and kill off Nyssa as soon as possible. Satan-Turner suggested a scene in File On Doomsday in which the Doctor, Adric, and Tegan discover that the frog people have eaten Nyssa as the main course in a company pot luck. This move was of course strongly opposed by Davison, however, who felt that Nyssa was the only companion worth a damn on the series. After several heated debates, cricket bat blows to the head, and sensual massages Satan-Turner relented. Unhappy with his inability to ruin the series on the companion side of things, Satan-Turner wanted all the regulars to wear distinct clown costumes which would remain essentially the same from serial to serial; not only would this save on wardrobe costs, but it was also seen as a way to make the actors feel like trained monkeys and to increase the ease at which Doctor Who action figures could be made. Adric had his math geek clothes, Tegan her stripper stewardess garb, and Nyssa her alien princess outfit. Satan-Turner hit on the idea of dressing up Davison in Victorian cricketing gear. Earlier ideas for the Doctor's costume had included polo jodhpurs and a leisure suit with gold medallions. Unquestionable, from the very start however, was the fact that the Fifth Doctor would bear question marks on his shirt collar.