The One Hundred and Eighteenth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Rasputin Serial 5V - Death Comes To Tom - A young policeman stops in astonishment as he discovers the last remaining undefaced police box in England. Shocked by the lack of vandalism encountered by the Police Box, he decides to do his civic duty - spray paint it and break a few of the windows. But his spate of wondrous destruction is abruptly cut off as the police box seems to shimmer with an odd vworping sound. Within seconds something chuckles as it drags the terrified policeman inside. Adric has annoyed the Doctor by pacing about the TARDIS, thinking dark thoughts about entropy, his lack of a love life, and why cute girls always seem to hate him. The Doctor however has spent most his time babbling about entropy and hiding the fact that he misses Romana. The Doctor has decided not to return to Gallifrey, as there are bound to be recriminations over his decision to dump his wife all alone in parallel universe with only a robot dog and a 37 quid. In order to pass the time, the Doctor has decided to get off his ass after 493 years, and actually repair the chameleon circuit. In theory he SHOULD be able to stop at any TARDIS Repair garage in the Constellation of Kasterborous -- but his life on the run means he'll have to use a book he found on console room floor "TARDIS Repair 4 Dummies". At first the Doctor seems to believe that this repair will call for "the blood of a human child", but it later turns out he was remembering this from another book "Demonic Time Travel 4 Dummies". In either case he now finds himself on Earth and decides to measure a police box. Dark legends tell of a police box in an unvandalised state on the Barnet bypass in the year 1981. The Doctor is reluctant to believe such a strange tale, but his only alternative is to land in a train station in 1978 and choose to replicate a Police Box with only two broken windows and "Dave is a Wanker" in white spray paint. The Doctor briefly considers modeling his new TARDIS on the dimensions of Felicity Kendal, but that means taking her measurements and then taking those measurements and Kendal herself to the planet Logopolis. In theory this should be no problem, but the Doctor tells Adric that he doubts Kendal will trust him. Apparently some years ago he had promised her an exciting holiday on the planet Voilko VI, but instead materialised at a popular teen make-out point and promptly explained that the TARDIS had run out of petrol. Kendal was not taken in by such an old and tired tactic - much to the Doctor's disappointment. Soon after explaining all of this, the cloister bell rings loudly through the TARDIS. The cloister bell is a warning of imminent disaster, and Universal catastrophe. The Doctor explains that whenever this happens, he simply assumes the bell is malfunctioning and he removes the batteries. Meanwhile, in London, young Tegan Jovanka is setting off for her first day at work in a strip club, she is incredibly proud of her accurate flight attendant uniform. Her aunt Vanessa has offered her a lift to the Latex Lair, but unfortunately Vanessa's car is a Skoda, and Tegan is forced to pull off the road due to problems with the motor, brakes, tires, and steering. Tegan sets about repairing the Skoda herself with a coat hanger and some chewing gum while Vanessa waits hopefully for a passing motorist to pick her up for a quick trick. Neither of them notice a translucent figure in white watching them intently from a distance, or the abandoned policeman's bicycle which has been twisted beyond all recognition in an horrific Lovecraftian fashion. The cloister bell stops ringing as the Doctor removes the batteries. On the way back to the console room, he passes by Romana's old room, and bursts into insane fits of tears and rage for 10 minutes - which he eventually explains away to Adric by saying he was briefly worried by the idea that she might have left a spare K9 by the bed. Once back in the console room the Doctor demonstrates the chameleon circuit to Adric, by programming a BBC Micro built into the TARDIS console. Using the power of 64k of RAM to play with, the Doctor shows a line graphic of the TARDIS changing shape into a pyramid. Adric is awed and amazed, until the Doctor explains that it's just a cartoon, and the TARDIS still looks like a stupid blue box. The TARDIS materializes around the police box on the Barnet bypass, and the Doctor and Adric begin to measure the box in every aspect, ratio, dimension and particular. Adric asks the Doctor how this will help him fix the chameleon circuit and why in the hell he chose the form of a big conspicious blue box in the first place. The Doctor considers Adric's questions and explains his dark secret -- he's a Police Box Spotter. Which, in the world of spotting, is about 15 times more anorak than train spotting OR camel spotting. In order to justify this expenditure of their time, the Doctor explains that these measurements will be taken to Logopolis, where the natives have perfected the art of Block Transfer Computation -- a means of modelling and generating real space/time events and structures through pure mathematical calculation. Adric seems totally fascinated by this, but when he asks what it actually all MEANS, the Doctor admits he hasn't the slightest clue -- it's just something he once read in "Block Transfer Computation for Fucking Morons". Adric looks through the TARDIS library and finds this book which informs him that the Logopolitans can generate a duplicate of the TARDIS exterior and overlay it upon the real thing -- but again is totally lost if this would be the sort of thing they would want to do, or if this would cause two objects to attempt to occupy the same space at the same time - thus destroying the entire universe. The Doctor shrugs away the question and insists that it would prove fun either way. As the Doctor and Adric complete their measurements Adric insists that they leave immediately and get this all over with. However the Doctor is desperate to stick around the scene because, as far as he knows, no one has been murdered yet, they haven't been arrested and interrogated, and he just HATES to leave a place without some torture and intrigue. To the Doctor's extreme relief the TARDIS suffers an instrument failure caused by a localised gravity bubble - this means they will HAVE to investigate. The Doctor pops his head out of the TARDIS and is disturbed by his sighting of the translucent white figure in the distance holding up a sign reading "Hurry Up And Die You Old Bastard". When the Doctor returns he finds that Adric has begun to vandalise the Police Box in the console room. The Doctor briefly wonders what it is about Police Boxes that seem to FORCE humaniods to deface and damage them -- but he only ponders this briefly before he starts to smash the lock and kick the doors repeatedly. When the Doctor kicks the door completely open he and Adric enter and they find another TARDIS console room, with another police box inside. Upon seeing this the Doctor grips Adric's shoulder and promises never to drop acid and listen to Pink Floyd ever again. Luckily when Adric confirms the sight before them the Doctor calms down and starts a proper investigation. The Doctor realizes that they're caught in a dimensional anomaly -- and if it's an infinite regression they will be completely screwed...at least that's what he read in "Dimensional Anomalies For Beginners". Meanwhile, Tegan has discovered that her aunt's Skoda is completely beyond all hope of repair and reluctantly sets off in search of a garage. But on the way, she spots the police box, and decides sneak inside the Police Box to sit down and shoot up heroin. Instead, the doors open inwards and she stumbles into the TARDIS console room just as the police box inside dematerializes -- she too makes a solemn vow to herself against drugs and psychedelic music. The doors shut behind her, trapping her inside, and as she tries to make some sense of the console the cloister bell begins to ring (note, when the cloister bell starts to ring WITHOUT even having batteries - the universe is probably completely up shit creek). Tegan ventures into the corridors, seeking the crew of this weird Police Box, and soon becomes hopelessly lost. Outside, her aunt Vanessa also finds and enters the TARDIS -- but this time the chuckling figure that turned the policeman into a human pretzel is waiting inside. As Adric smashes open yet another police box, the Doctor concludes that the anomaly was caused by another TARDIS materializing around the police box before them; his heart is elated to think that this means SOMEONE else out there in the universe must ALSO be a police box spotter. However his heart crashes down when he realises the more likely possibility that someone was just laying in wait to kill him. When the Doctor enters the badly damaged police box he emerges outside, where he stumbles onto an abandoned Skoda. As the translucent white figure watches in the distance, the Doctor peers into the car and sees the shrunken bodies of Vanessa and the young policeman. Disgusted, and confused, the Doctor returns to the TARDIS and begins to sulk again. The Doctor tells Adric that he will never forget Romana, but is still deeply worried that he might still have a K9 somewhere in her old room. To stop the Doctor's constant bitching Adric is forced to jettison Romana's room from reality. Incidentally this provides thrust for take-off. However this does not stop the Doctor's constant whining as now he seems deeply upset that he wasn't assaulted by the local police on earth or even charged with a crime he didn't commit. A few moments later the Doctor receives a space telegram on the TARDIS console which reads "Traken. Tremas killed by giant sea lion." The Doctor realises then and there that the Bastard is no longer a sea lion, and has taken human form. So he decides on a suitably ironic murder tactic - now the Bastard is hidden somewhere within the structure of the TARDIS, the Doctor decides to literally flush him out by materializing underwater and opening the doors. Adric asks if this won't ALSO kill the both of them AND what-if the Bastard actually STILL IS a sea lion. But the Doctor dismisses these concerns as he has a respiratory bypass system and he doesn't mind if Adric drowns. Tegan, still lost in the identical corridors of the TARDIS, is shocked when a potted tree materializes in front of her. In the console room, the Doctor materializes and drops into the Thames, but the Doctor seems very surprised and disappointed when no water rushes in through the open doors killing his companion Adric instantly. This is explained when they emerge to find that they've landed on top of Mount Everest by error. The Doctor notices the figure in white standing next to a yeti watching them closely; the figure beckons to him, and, unnerved, the Doctor orders Adric to think up some other clever way to possibly kill himself while the Doctor and the white figure speak. Adric is convinced that the waiting figure is the Bastard in a lame mummy costume, but the Doctor refuses to discuss what happened; he seems unsettled, and claims to have seen the future - so it's just a typical Sunday afternoon in the TARDIS. The Doctor sets the co-ordinates for Logopolis, telling Adric that they will have to part company, mostly because he hates him so very much but also making up a lame and hardly believable story about how a chain of circumstances is about to fragment the very law which holds the Universe together. The Doctor ALWAYS uses this excuse when he wants a break from somebody, it's really pathetic. Tegan finally finds her way back to the console room, where she furiously demands to speak to the Police Box's pilot. The Doctor, already having a really shitty day and wanting some time to himself, gleefully informs her that her beloved aunt is now a Barbie doll. Tegan accompanies the Doctor and Adric outside into the city of Logopolis, where endless rows of balding programmers sit in cubicles chanting the dialog of Dilbert cartoons. The leader of Logopolis, the Project Leader, leads the Doctor, Adric and Tegan to the Human Resources building, which the Doctor finds to be a hellish place of endless damnation. There, the Project Leader converts the Doctor's measurements of the police box exterior into XHTML Block Transfer Computation. But the dreaded potted tree returns, materializing in one of the Logopolitan's cubicles. The Logopolitan inside, occupied entirely with burning a Rick James bootleg CD, doesn't realize that anything is amiss until it's too late; soon another shrunken doll has joined the list of the Bastard's victims. The Doctor takes the calculations back to the TARDIS to complete his work, but privately asks the Project Leader to offer Tegan and Adric some crappy temp jobs as he sneaks away in the other direction. The Doctor shuts the door on Adric and Tegan, and the Project Leader tries to reassure them that $8 an hour is perfectly good money for alien contractors. As they argue for their OWN cubicles, Nyssa of Traken arrives, brought to Logopolis by Dave, a friend of the Doctor's. The figure in white watches from a distance as the TARDIS begins to shimmer and shrink, with the Doctor trapped inside. The Project Leader is appalled; the code they provided the Doctor wasn't even Unit Tested by his developers. Now their honour and the Doctor's life are both at stake. The Logopolitans perform countless technobabble operations to stablise the TARDIS and attempt to resize it. To force an extra layer of mystery into the this scene the figure in white is standing at a nearby intersection, watching... The Doctor is unable to correct the fault from inside the TARDIS - he left his copy of "Dimensional Corrections for Absolute Wankers" directly outside of the Wine Peddler's TARDIS for a laugh, centuries ago. In order to improve the Doctor's morale Tegan holds up the pornographic flash cards that secured her job at the Latex Lair. In an act of thoughtless bravado, Adric sets off into the streets to find the Bastard. But after realising the danger this places him in, Adric asks Nyssa to go first. Adric notices the white figure in the distance and sets off in pursuit, but Nyssa is brought up short by the sound of a familiar voice -- and sees the man she still believes to be her father. He's changed, not merely younger but also he claims to be part jellyfish. Nyssa wonders if her father has lost her mind. She is even more worried when he gives her a bracelet which clamps tightly shut about her wrist, and tells her that he is a secret ice cream salesman. He then bids Nyssa adieu. Later on, the Bastard enters the Central Registry, where he goes through the web browser history of the Project Leader. In the history file he discovers the smut that he requires for total blackmail. The Bastard threatens that he will tell everyone about the websites the Project Leader has been visiting unless the Project Leader reveals Logopolis' great secret and the purpose of the long going IT project. The Project Manager can't bring himself to reveal the great secret. Just then, The Doctor, Adric and Nyssa arrive, and Nyssa is the last person in the entire universe to finally -GET- that the Bastard has murdered her father and taken his body. The Bastard rushes out into the streets to find the city crumbling to dust and the Logopolitans dead, hollow husks. The Project Leader is forced to admit the truth; the Universe is just an incredibly bloated operating system which is so buggy that it needs to be constantly patched and updated or else it will fall into chaos. The universe's fundamental nature was changed when Bill Gates bought it out and reformed it as MS-Universe. For the last several centuries the universe has only been sustained by automatic updates created by the programmers of Logopolis. Now, due to the Bastard murdering programmers, the operating system ran by itself for several seconds, without any patches being applied, and the unravelling of MS-Universe has begun. The Bastard doesn't believe a word of it until he finds even his own TARDIS malfunctiong, crashing and showing the blue screen of death. The Doctor knows that only he and the Bastard can put things right now. The TARDIS appears, transported from the Central Registry by the still rather mysterious figure in white, and the Doctor orders Tegan, Nyssa and Adric inside. To save the Universe he now has no choice but to form an alliance with the Bastard. Adric and Nyssa, waiting out events in the TARDIS cloisters, see the Watcher beckoning to Adric. Adric speaks with the Watcher but afterwards is unable to describe the conversation whatsoever; the Watcher only seems to speak Portuguese. The Bastard's TARDIS materializes in Microsoft Headquarters in 1981. The Bastard starts to ransack Microsoft's main computer room, but the night-shift technician is listening to Devo on his Walkman and doesn't even notice. The Bastard prepares to shoot the technician but the Doctor flings him out of the way, reminding the Bastard that they need to save all their ammo to insure they can kill Bill Gates. The Doctor and Master wait for Bill Gates to arrive all through the night. To pass the long hours they speak of their lives and interests. In a moment of deep embarrassment the Bastard admits that he built his Tissue Compression Eliminator device in order to expand his doll collection. The Bastard has been an avid doll collector since his first encounter with the Autons. In the morning, when Gates arrives, the Doctor is ready to shoot to kill. At the last moment though the Bastard springs up, weapon in hand, and points his silly black stick at the Doctor AND Bill Gates. The Bastard explains that he will let Bill Gates live if he turns over 100% of Microsoft to him -- thus making the Bastard the most powerful man throughout all time and eventually securing him the rights to the entire MS-Universe. The Doctor rushes out to disarm the Bastard. In a quick reflex the Bastard shoots enough holes in the Doctor that he could pass for a reasonable impression of swiss cheese. As the Doctor looses his last fingerholds on life, the faces of his past girlfriends seem to come back to taunt him. In the violence and the confusion, Bill Gates escapes. The Bastard, thwarted, returns to his TARDIS and dematerializes. Tegan, Nyssa and Adric rush to the Doctor's crumpled body lying on the ground. The faces of the fourth Doctor’s previous companions come to say "Wanker". The Doctor tells his current companions it's the end, the contract has not been renewed. "The Watcher!" exclaims Adric, as the mysterious figure has arrived. The Watcher enters the Doctor’s body. "So he was the Doctor all the time!" remarks Nyssa, as she now realises he is the Doctor’s future. The Watcher and Doctor blur together until only the young, new body of the Fifth Doctor remains... And so ends the comissioned version of Death Comes to Tom, and so ends the tenure of Tom Baker as the Doctor. However, this is not the only possible plotline for the last Baker serial. By special request Satan-Turner and Bidmead allowed Tom Baker submit a pen of his own final story. Satan-Turner and Bidmead compared the two possible scripts for serial 5V and finally decided NOT to use the one Tom wrote. And the Tom Baker version has passed into fanboy legend ever since. Luckily I was able to buy the script on eBay last year from UnixMonkey87. The synopsis is as follows - The Doctor lands on the planet Gallifrey, at the end of time. The last of the Time Lords are escaping into the mists of history, to live out their final days. The Doctor has returned to take his place. When the Doctor enters the Matrix, he is assigned another life, in another time. The year is 1917, the place is Moscow. The Doctor finds himself magically transformed into Grigory Rasputin. As Rasputin he has all the memories of the Time Lord race AND a kick ass beard. But all is not well. The people riot in the streets and the days of the Tzar are numbered. The Tzar and his wife are fiercely loyal to Rasputin, and beg him for his help. In desperation Rasputin calls upon mysterious allies known only as, The Cybermen. Rasputin builds a Cyberman army to put down the Bolshevik revolt. However after securing Moscow the Cybermen betray Rasputin and being a conquest of the planet Earth. Rasputin hunts in the dark jungles of the Amazon and finally comes across a mysterious crystal, the Crystal of Time, the only force on earth which can defeat the Cybermen. However before Rasputin can activate the crystal, his nemesis, the Bastard enters the Matrix on Gallifrey and incarnates on earth as Vladimir Lenin! Rasputin immediately returns to Russia and duels with pistols against his adversary. After winning the duel however, Lenin is merely injured, and escapes into a time corridor. Rasputin uses the Time Crystal, which unexpectedly forces the Brigadier into his timeline. Together Rasputin and the Brigadier take over the planet earth. The End. Book(s)/Other Related - Dr Who - The 4th Doctor Snuffs It Doctor Who: Beyond The Scarf Sci-Fi For 4 Dummies: Doctor Who Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed surly for most of this story Tegan: My neem..my namen..me nume..I'm Tegan Jovanka...or my stage name is, Tegan Jackoffya. Goofs - Tom Baker wasn't fired after season 15. Also the Bastard has a respiratory bypass system, so the only person who could have possibility died would have been Adric. Was this the Doctor's real plan? Technobabble - "Quantum Zingers! The gravity well has dragged us into a warp embolism! Isn't that wonderful Adric?" Links and References - The Doctor drops constant and out of place references. Some of which make sense "I haven't experienced an evil like this since I last faced the Dustbins." (Serial 5J), but then less than two minutes later - "This is the most evil I have ever faced since I singlehandedly destroyed the Quirks!" (Serial TT) Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor has been to Logopolis before, when the Logopolitans told him they weren't going to do the chameleon conversion for him if he kept insisting that he make the TARDIS look like Betty Page. Groovy DVD Extras - 12 additional scenes of the Watcher, standing around.. watching. These were eventually cut because the director and editor felt that they had already established the watcher as someone who was watching these events as they unfolded throughout the story. Dialogue Disasters - Adric: Doctor, I really wish you would cheer up a bit. Doctor: Cheer up a bit?! Half the universe falling into an endless cycle of death and destruction? Countless worlds engaged in ruthless wars, raging through centuries! What's the POINT?! Adric: I've got a few Kinder Eggs. Doctor: Alright, I'll have three. Dialogue Triumphs - Doctor: He must have known I was going to fix the chameleon circuit. Adric: He read your mind? Doctor: He's a Bastard! In many ways we have the same mind. Doctor: Never guess. Unless you have to..or the answer is 3. Doctor: It's the end...the contract has not been renewed. Tell the Brigadier, I love him. Dialogue Oddities - (ORIGINAL SCRIPT) The Doctor: I would gladly give my life in the defense of another. (ON SCREEN) Tom Baker: Right, this shotgun should take his head right off. Viewer Quotes - "I was shocked by this story. They changed Doctor Who into some weird blonde dude. Where did they come up with that idea? That's stupid. Am I suppose to buy this new guy as like, the SECOND Doctor or something?" - American Fan (1981) "JUDGEMENT! HELL!!! FIRE!!!!! Oh, yes. By the way. I missed Doctor Who this weekend. Did Tom bite the bullet or what?" - Father James O' Maley (1981) "I had an overwhelming feeling of apprehension as the last seconds of this story ticked relentlessly away, the end of the Doctor's fourth incarnation drawing ever nearer, his past girlfriends flashing before his weary eyes as he clung desperately to life. Resolved to his destiny, the Bastard claimed his seemingly fragile form...He did not scream as he died. Then he uttered his final words... and I suddenly realised, wait a minute...I wrote that line in a script submission I'd sent them a year ago! The bastards had plagarised me!!!" - Andrew Stonebridge (1981) "Looking back on it, in retrospect, in a way, this really was the story where the 4th Doctor died. It took us all awhile realise that." - Charles Daniels (2003) Psychotic Nostalgia - "Doctor Who is dead. Long live Doctor Who! Tonight, I will walk into my secret inner sanctum, and make a burnt offering to my idol of Tom Baker, carved completely from cheddar cheese, and adourned with a scarf and the heads of my enemies." Trivia - In the last scene, the TARDIS is seen with the words "Dave is still a Wanker" spray painted in small white letters. Rumors & Facts - Satan-Turner and Bidmead were greatly concerned about the effect that Baker's departure would have on Doctor Who's fan base. Of course Tom was a completely impossible to work with toss pot of the first order -- but people LOVED him. They snuck into his hotel room at night, they kidnapped his pet dog, Whiskey, just to get close to him. In order to ease the pain of the Doctor's departure, Turner and Bidmead arranged for the return of arch-nemesis the Bastard in the season's penultimate story, The Zoo Keeper Of Traken. Further, they hoped to reintroduce an old companion in Death Comes to Tom, who would accompany the Doctor for just three stories. However, both candidates -- Sarah Jane Smith and Leela -- said they would rather be shot in the head then return to work with Tom. Consequently, the production team decided to devise a new companion, envisaged as a brash, smart but insecure stripper who dressed in a kinky air hostess uniform (actually most people think this was Tom's idea, and MAY have been based on an actual stripper he'd met in Paris). It was decided to make her Australian in a lame attempt to add ethnic diversity to Doctor Who. At the same time, Satan-Turner was searching for a new Doctor to replace Baker. He was uncertain about what direction to take with the next incarnation, except that the actor had to be someone who he could easily blackmail and dress like a monkey. Satan-Turner also wanted the new Doctor to be as different from Baker as possible. He approached John Cleese, who told him thanks, but fuck off; Satan-Turner tried to interest Stallone, who fortunely rejected the idea because he believed moving to England would mean he'd have to learn a foriegn language. Finally, in desperation, Satan-Turner contacted Peter Davison, with whom he had worked on All Creatures Great And Sexy - an illegal Dutch porn film from the 70s. Satan-Turner felt that Davison's character in that film, Tristan Farout, would be a good model for the new Doctor. Davison, however, was uncertain of playing another character similar to Tristan Farout, because he was was wary of becoming associated with characters of the type usually found in illegal Dutch pornography. Davison initially rejected Satan-Turner's offer but later reversed his decision, as Turner had told him he would make sure All Creatures Great and Sexy would get an official VHS Video release if he did not comply. Taping of Death Comes to Tom occurred at the Barnet by-pass, where Satan-Turner and Bidmead believed there existed one of the few remaining genuine police boxes (indeed, this had been one of Bidmead's early inspirations for the story). However, it was discovered that this had recently been torn down due to vandalism. Logopolis part four aired on March 21st, bringing Season Eighteen and the record-setting Tom Baker era to its conclusion. Baker would experience a career lull akin the the stock market crash of 1929 directly after leaving Doctor Who, but eventually found himself once again in demand, at children's parties, in cheap fanvids, and in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Season 18 was a milestone for Doctor Who. Without season 18 we would have never known of the thrilling existence of E-Space, we would have never met the plucky young lad Adric, and we would have never lost Tom Baker as the Doctor -- so really, season 18 bit the big one. Just like Tom. It was the end of an era. Tom Baker Speaks! "And so closes my time as a children's hero. A golden age of my life. A wonderful time, of sitting in the grass, my youthful nude body body exposed fully in the glory of sun, feeling the warmth, the joy, drinking in the heady wine of the summers of yesteryear. The loves found and lost, the pebbles on the beach. The days of my innocence, crashing against the rocky shores of my future. But at these moments I was the happiest. When I was the Doctor. When I could look directly at everything in my life and know that it was good, and rewarding. Before the dark days of old age and self doubt. When I could proudly drink 15 pints a day and take a piss out of a slow moving van down the High street. When I did battle against Dustbins and Bastards, when I had lovers like Sarah Jane and Romana, and when I would sit and play chess with K-9 while smoking lots of dope. The glory years of being the Doctor on BBC1. If only I could reach back, and find those times, I think I would probably go to a small hotel, called the Golden Ostrich, which I once stayed at in 1974, while filming Return of the Cybermen. I'd walk up the that little tiny lonely hotel, and sit down at a comfortable table, and talk to that Japanese tourist who was eyeing me all night. That night, I was too drunk to move or speak. But this night, this time, I would glide gracefully across the room, look deeply into her olive eyes, introduce myself, and then, yes, I would have her for three weeks straight in the ultimate dirty weekend. If I had the power of time, if I could travel in the TARDIS with K-9, that's what I'd do. I'd bag all those fans I was too drunk to screw -- even Ian Levine. Why the hell not? Goodnight sweetheart."