The One Hundred and Seventeenth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Sea World Serial 5T - The Zoo Keeper of Traken - The TARDIS emerges into N-Space near the Turk's Head Pub in Exeter, England -- well, near in cosmic terms. About 3,000,000,000 light years away from Earth, if you're counting, but since the universe is infinite, distance is largely an illusion anyway. The Doctor has held his promise to Adric and taken him to a place where they can find a bit of Welsh tart fun - to the homeworld of the Traken Union, a society so tranquil and peaceful that it is quite honestly one of the most relaxing and dreadfully boring places in the entire universe. So pure is Traken that evil calcifies and dies within its rarefied atmosphere - so the Doctor explains to Adric that he can't stay very long. The TARDIS materializes on Traken within a stones throw of a giant robot with red eyes. The Doctor insists that the robot is no longer functional. Adric finds this hard to believe as it is currently ripping people limb from limb and screaming a bizarre and disturbing ecstasy. The Doctor writes this off as a local custom, and asks Adric to stop nagging him about trivia. As soon as the Doctor and Adric exit stage right, the TARDIS mysteriously disappears. When the camera pans across we see that the Doctor and Adric have been captured by armed guards and are being taken for questioning. The Doctor asks the interrogating consuls why they have so many armed guards around for a place that is perfectly harminous. They ignore his comment and ask the Doctor why he has come to Traken. The Doctor tells the consuls that while in the boundary between E-Space and N-Space he had a spiritual vision of a great leader beckoning him through time to arrive at the planet Traken. The Doctor explains that in this vision the great figure presented him with the sacred knowledge of Traken and the secrets of the universe. The Consuls are suspicious. As they should be - because the Doctor is lying. He just came there hoping to pick up a few Welsh ladies. His reasons for not sharing this information with the interrogation ministers is painfully obvious. To the surprise of no one, the Consuls inform the Doctor and Adric that there have been a recent spate of vicious murders on Traken (planet of unending peace). The Consuls find the sudden appearance of the pair alarming especially after the series of recent homocides. Due to these circumstances the Consuls can see only one possible course of action -- to hand over the investigation entirely to the Doctor and give him whatever assistance he requires. (HOW IN THE HELL DO GOVERNMENTS IN DOCTOR WHO WORK?!?!?!) Adric suggests that perhaps the murders are in some way connected to the robot he witnessed viciously killing people. No one takes him seriously however. The Doctor briefly explores the theory that he and Adric are the killers, before deciding that avenue to be slightly incriminating and not very rewarding. Eventually the Doctor reports to the local government that he believes the murders have been made possible by some sort of undefined, unknown, semi-imaginary beam weapon of some sort. Luckily, a member of the government, Tremas, has just invented an "Undefined, Unknown, Semi-Imaginary Beam Detector" which he would be happy to use in this investigation. Another consul, Kassia, insists that they just get this over with and kill the Doctor and Adric before they do anything else annoying. Tremas however is happy to trust the aliens with their highly improbable theories, and vows that, from this moment on, if they commit any crimes *HE* will be personally responsible. Our heros can't believe their luck. As Kassia would love to see Tremas die for being such a clever self-righteous git, and she agrees entirely with Tremas' proposal. The Doctor and Adric accompany Tremas to his flat, where the Doctor and Tremas test different beam weapons that are just laying around the place. Adric sneaks into Tremas' daughter's room - although it is not clear if he is hoping to meet a young lady or simply wishes to try on some of her clothes. In either case Adric meets Tremas' daughter, Nyssa. Nyssa is happy to show Adric various items of her lingerie; Adric is favourably impressed, and somehow uses it to run an analysis of the energy readings which Tremas had taken before the Doctor and Adric arrived. Nyssa tells Adric that she never knew anyone who could use women's undergarments in complex physics calculations, the poor lad simply turns red and claims to have lots of experience in this arena. Eventually Adric finds something quite disturbing, and urges Nyssa to take him to the Doctor; he must be told of this immediately. Kassia reports to the giant robot of death (GROD) that she has failed to kill the Doctor and Adric, but GROD seems bored with life. After whining about his unfulfilling life style for a few moments GROD gives Kassia new instructions. Kassia returns to the sanctum and summons Sutra, Pelvic and Tantric, to inform them that her husband has been keeping information from them about the nature of kittens. By keeping secrets about kittens from his fellow Consuls, he has thus cast doubt upon his worthiness as Zoo Keeper-Nominate, and must challenge the current Zoo Keeper to prove himself. Tantric, however, admits that Tremas kept his kitten research secret at his urging, and volunteers to challenge the Zoo Keeper in Tremas' place. Kassia can't figure out what the hell to do in this development, and thus seems to have failed GROD yet again. But again, GROD doesn't seem to give a damn -- in fact, when she speaks to him next, he gives her a necklace with skulls and bones as a token of her obedience to him. Nyssa takes Adric to the area where the Doctor was supposed to be. The Doctor however has simply left a note behind reading "Have discovered unique fermentation theory. Be Back Soon." Adric follows the Doctor's footprints in the muddy earth, and eventually finds him passed out in a drainage ditch. Upon awaking the Doctor, Adric shows him various selections of Nyssa's underwear, displayed in an elaborate pentagram formation. The Doctor understands the significance immediately - Whatever has invaded Traken, it has an energy pattern similar to that of a TARDIS! The Doctor, Tremas and Adric return to the catacombs, where the Doctor uses Nyssa's knickers to build a device that will summon back his own TARDIS. But as he does this he hears an unearthly scream. Nearby, Tantric has been killed by a vengeful Zoo Keeper. The Doctor and Adric are captured. Then they escape. I'm not writing three paragraphs about the details. Just think of any capture/escape sequence you've enjoyed in Doctor Who and imagine something similar. Kassia goes to the Zoo Keeper and demands his power. The Zoo Keeper is about to retire and is actually fairly sick and disgusted by all the politics people have gone to in order to secure his job - so he just decides to give it away and get it over with. The Zoo Keeper begins to input the employee authorization codes that will make the promotion complete. At the last second Kassia evaporates into a mist, and is replaced by GROD sitting on a throne. Somehow even the Doctor doesn't realize the true identity of GROD who has just been declared THE ZOO KEEPER OF TRAKEN! GROD seems strangely non-confrontational even as he reminds Sutra and Pelvic that the Doctor is to be sentenced to death. The Doctor warns Sutra and Pelvic that they will be betrayed by GROD as they drag him to the Peaceful Dungeons of Traken. The Doctor is beginning to believe he's met GROD somewhere before... Adric and Nyssa return to the TARDIS, where Adric tests the waters -- and finds that Nyssa is single, but not looking for a committed relationship at the moment. Adric has never been to earth, but is wondering if Nyssa isn't one of these "easy Welsh girls" the Doctor has been raving about. Adric explains to Nyssa that in order to save Traken, he's probably going to have to kill countless people. Apparently he thinks this will make him look macho, but Nyssa is appalled. The Doctor and Tremas, locked up together in Tremas' quarters, study the contracts of the Zoo, hoping for some contractual loophole through which they can dispose the new zoo keeper. Meanwhile, GROD is forcing his subjects to build weapons and fleets with which to conquer all the zoos in the galaxy -- but first he intends to drain all knowledge from the Doctor's mind, and become the master of Time as well...because, hey, he's a really *original* guy. Eventually GROD forces the Doctor to step into the Zoo Keeper's office. Both GROD and the Doctor vanish. The Doctor finds himself inside a TARDIS control room and finally comes face-to-face with the real power behind GROD...the Bastard who, due to a life of violence and crime, has mutated into the form of a sea lion. The Bastard prepares to use the powers of the Keepership to merge with the Doctor's body, granting himself a new lease on life that doesn't involve eating fish and punching inflatable beach balls with his nose -- but then, thanks to a legal loophole -- the Doctor informs the Bastard that the Zoo Keeper isn't allowed to be a MEMBER of the Zoo. Due to the racist hiring practices of Traken, animals can not run zoos. The Zoo Keeper must be human. The Doctor flees as the control room begins to explode, and the Bastard struggles to reach a classic Chevy on the other side of the burning room. The Doctor reappears next to Adric and explains that he's made a horrible miscalculation. The Welsh tart colonists he so desperately wanted to meet won't arrive on Traken for another million years. The Doctor bids Tremas an abrupt goodbye and returns to the TARDIS with Adric, musing that it's time he gave the TARDIS a complete overhaul. All seems well now that the Doctor has left. But at the last moment Tremas notices a fantastic vintage Chevy sitting in an alcove nearby. As he examines it he is frozen in place, and a sea lion emerges from the driver's seat. With the last remnants of the Zoo Keepership lingering, he merges with Tremas' body, which grows young and strong again. The new, youthful Bastard steps into his Chevy and dematerializes, as Nyssa returns to the sanctum, looking vainly about for her father... Book(s)/Other Related - Dr Who & The Sea Mammals of Death We Come In Peace: Shoot To Kill Sea Lions of Sci-Fi: Volume B Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed fishy for most of this story Goofs - The fish "eaten" by the Bastard are obviously plastic Technobabble - The invisible TARDIS is discovered by a binary induction system (Nyssa's bra). We also have a recursive integrator and gamma-mode encryption (various underthings). Links and References - The Doctor admits to the Consuls that he has in fact indulged in vulgar acts with luncheon meats. Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor is unsure if he has actually MET easy Welsh girls on Traken, or if that was just a letter he read in Playbeing Magazine. In either case he seems to believe this story entirely. Groovy DVD Extras - 3 more minutes of seeing a sea lion trying to operate TARDIS controls with his flippers. Dialogue Disasters - Doctor: If I knew everything that was going to happen, where would the fun be? Director: Yes, but you ARE Supposed to read the script Tom. Bastard: Feed me another fish and you will DIE Doctor! I will not be humiliated! (The Doctor throws the Bastard a fish, which he instinctively eats and then claps) Dialogue Triumphs - Doctor: They say the atmosphere there was so full of goodness that evil just shrivelled up and died. Adric: Is that true? Doctor: Oh no, but it makes a great travel brochure. Doctor: A whole empire held together...by people just being terribly nice to each other. Adric: How long did the Traken Empire last? Doctor: About 3 minutes. Dialogue Oddities - (ORIGINAL SCRIPT) The Doctor: Traken, home of the philosopher kings. Abode of the great old ones. Truly, World of awe inspiring prosperity. (ON SCREEN) Tom Baker: Traken, home of the philosopher kings. Abode of the great old ones. Truly, World of awe inspiring prosperity...and the girls will do anything Adric. And I mean anything. Look at this illustration. (Points to video monitor on console) Viewer Quotes - "This was the best Tom Baker story for many a long year, and one of the most pleasing stories I have ever seen in the series. Everything gelled - the lingerie, the sea lion, the impossibly convoluted plot - a virtually flawless show." - Shawn Deel (1981) "Apart from one model shot of the TARDIS in part one, the production was horrible - but then, I only watch Doctor Who for the TARDIS model shots." - Dale Krimby (1983) "The final scene, where the sea lion snuffs that guy. Awesome!" - Jack, http://www.ionlyreviewthefinalscene.com (2002) "Okay, what I want to know is how the hell the Sea Lion regenerated the clothes? Is the Bastard outfit PART of the regeneration?" - Charles Daniels (2003) Psychotic Nostalgia - "I was a Zoo Keeper once. I kept the souls of the damned in a jar in my closet. I tried to open it up for tourists, but I didn't want to bother with a business license. So I just released the souls of the damned for a laugh. Ever since then, they've been running the country. I'm proud of the little guys." Tom Baker Speaks! "Ahh yes! Slappy. It was such a joy to work with Slappy again. He was the best, whatever the hell he was, I ever worked with. I saw him perform Richard III once in a small community production - absolutely fabulous. His flippers really got across the withered arm of the tyrant king. I really wanted this story to say something about issues that are important to aspiring marine mammal actors. I'm not sure how we aimed to get that across, or if it was ever referred to in the dialogue or plot. But I have to believe that out there, a young dolphin, a hesitant penguin, a talented walrus, or what have you, looked at this story and said to themselves 'I could get on Doctor Who. I don't have to live in this mucky ocean eating krill for the rest of my life.' I haven't received any letters from octopi or anything like that, but I believe on Doctor Who we touched the lives of the fans, and the animals, and random passerbys who were just walking by the sets. As the Doctor I wanted to change the world, to make it a better world for Tom Baker. And if that helped some whales get jobs in the process -- fine by me." Rumors & Facts - For years, Tom Baker had dropped hints about leaving Doctor Who. Every time, though, he was bluffing to get more money, control of the programme, and of course -- liquor. By 1980 he was the show's longest-running star, beating out William Hartnell for total episodes, Jon Pertwee for the most seasons, and Patrick Troughton for naughty on-screen sexual acts. But by the autumn of 1980, well...to put it nicely - The Shit Hit the Fan. John Satan-Turner had a meeting with Tom Baker about his vision for season 19. John Satan-Turner wanted to make radical changes to the format of the programme and the presentation of the characters. In short Satan-Turner insisted that Tom Baker ditch his iconic garb and instead dress up as a giant question mark for Season 19. Tom Baker was shown a red-orange full sized question mark fancy dress costume at the BBC Costumes Department three weeks before the filming of The Zoo Keeper of Traken. Baker flatly REFUSED to wear the costume. Satan-Turner was somewhat disappointed, but partially relieved as - A) He hated Tom Baker and B) Tom Baker was too established. A new actor in the role would be easier to control and dress like a monkey Due to this conflict, Baker would be leaving Doctor Who at the end of Season Eighteen, after seven seasons and 180 episodes (counting the incomplete Shagged'er). Satan-Turner and Bidmead decided that the last two stories should be tied together in some vague way, as this was a particular fetish of theres (see E-Space Trilogy). The common element between these stories would be a new incarnation of the Bastard, the Doctor's Time Lord archnemesis who had been a key figure during the Pertwee era. An effort by the former production team of Philip Pinchcliffe and Sherlock Holmes to reintroduce the Bastard as a sea lion, in 1976's The Lethal Assassin, had never been followed up on (Maybe with some good reason). Satan-Turner wanted to bring back the essence of the Bastard's original appearance and ditch the sea lion thing as soon as possible. Consequently, it was decided that The Zoo Keeper Of Traken would chronicle the Bastard's transformation from his sea mammal look. Cast to play the new Master was Anthony Ainley, whom Satan-Turner liked because his name was the first on the alphabetical list of candidates. Ainley was keen to inject humour into the character; however, this was vetoed by Satan-Turner, who wanted the new Bastard to be..well..a bastard. Around the same time, Satan-Turner and Bidmead were working on a new female companion to be introduced in the season's final serial. However, one of characters in this serial - Tremas' daughter, Nyssa - had caught their eye, in particular the wide variety of her undergarments and the strength this provided to her relationship with Adric. It was felt that Nyssa might make another useful addition to the programme - at least until they found someone more scantily clad -- to help ease the transition to the new Doctor. The actress chosen to play Nyssa was Sarah Sutton, who had starred in a pornographic adaptation of Alice In Wonderland. The stage was set for the final Tom Baker epic. PS: Slappy later went on to win an Oscar for his moving rendition of Hamlet.