The One Hundred and Sixteenth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Sex Pistols Serial 5S - The Webber's Gate - Trapped in E-space, with no possibility of a return to N-Space, or more precisely The Turk's Head public house in the city centre of Exeter, the Doctor decides to take drastic action. Over the eons the Doctor has crusaded for the rights of the enslaved, the subjugated, and those who have been generally fucked over. Due to his dire circumstances he decides to reverse his moral flow and starts enslaving random aliens. After a few weeks of testing out different races to place in immoral bondage, he soon hits upon his golden opportunity. He meets a friendly alien named Biro, who he immediately shackles and whips into submission. It turns out that Biro, a being with a truly unfortunate name, is also a time sensitive. The Doctor uses Biro to find the homeworld of Biro's kind - The Tharils. The Tharils are basically cat people who walk through walls and time -- a race which has just escaped a long stint of slavery at the hands of a human being named Andrew Lloyd Webber. The Tharils are still rejoicing that their forced performances on Broadway in New York have finally come to an end, when the Doctor arrives to take slaves and chew bubblegum... and he's all out of bubblegum. In order to get to the festivities, the Doctor has to enter an unnatural void, which is easily accessed from a cardboard-stone archway. The archway leads to a banqueting hall laid out for a feast. The Doctor realises he is out of his element, as capturing hundreds of drunken cat people will be a bit of a challenge. Luckily he remembers a dark and ancient race of robots who he once did unspeakable favors for, The Gundan. Using his powers of time summoning, the Gundan appear to do his bidding. However the mental energy that the Doctor exhausts by calling robots of death out from the ether, gives Biro a chance to escape. The Doctor witnesses Biro phasing in and out of existence -- and is shocked because he hasn't even started drinking yet. Biro confronts the Doctor and explains that the Tharils were once a proud and conceited race, but being forced to perform as giant cats in a Broadway musical has diminished the ego of his people. Biro begs the Doctor to use his great powers and incredible robot army to visit vengence on Andrew Lloyd Webber. Surprisingly, the Doctor agrees. He strikes a deal with the Tharils. They will use their mental energies to transfer himself and his companions back to the pub in Exeter, and once there, he will completely destroy Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely, completely eradicating him from the timeline of the universe. At first things seem to go as planned, but at the last moment the Doctor asks his companions to check the exterior of the TARDIS for any damage that might have been caused from travelling through E-Space collecting slaves. Romana, K-9, and Adric look over the TARDIS shell while the Doctor makes mysterious calculations on the console. Outside Romana notices the sounds of the door closing and asks Adric to rush in to see what the Doctor is doing. A second later the TARDIS disappears. Romana looks at first horror struck and then, deeply relieved, as she sees the TARDIS has gone. K-9 sulks into a deep depression and admits that recently he has slumped into an unstoppable rut of alcoholism and violence. Romana promises K-9 that he will soon recover once he is free of his master's presence. Romana and K-9 join the freed cat people. Meanwhile, inside the TARDIS, the Doctor clucks with glee. Thrilled that he is finally free from his responsibilities, his companions, and back on the way to a small pub in Devon. When he looks up an expression of shock and revulsion is revealed, and quickly concealed, as he realises Adric had stumbled back into the TARDIS just in the nick of time. Book(s)/Other Related - Dr Who & The Hasty Divorce of E-Space Dr Who Versus The Singing Cats of Time Dr Who Und Die UberKatze Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed drunk for most of this story Goofs - The Doctor seems to have slaver clothes and generic bondage gear mixed up..but the effect is similar. Technobabble - "K-9 is experiencing neural-network degenerative loss. So I'm afraid he's going to have to speak Welsh for awhile." Links and References - The Doctor mentions that he has always been opposed to evil, except for The Wank Machines (Serial BB), The Dominatrix (Serial TT), and a few other times when "it was a laugh". Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor admits that on the whole he's opposed to the enslavement of all lifekind, but he did experiment with it in college, so he's not talking from some abstract moral concept or through lack of experience. Groovy DVD Extras - 15 extra minutes of people running in slow motion against a white background. Dialogue Disasters - Biro: Others follow. Doctor: Others? Biro: Believe nothing they say. They're not Biro's kind. Romana: What are you? Biro: A shadow of my past and of your future. Doctor: Riiight...get back in the cage, Skippy. Doctor: So Romana, who's your favorite lame late 90s techno rave remix DJ? Romana: Astral Jung! Doctor: Did he do 'Put Your Hands in the Air'? Adric: Was Romana all right..you know...in..you know? Doctor: All right? She was superb! Dialogue Triumphs - Doctor: The naming of cats is a mysterious thing...but who the hell would name a cat Biro??? Doctor: One good solid hope's worth a cart-load of certainties. Romana: No it's not. Doctor: Fuck off Romana, I'm in denial. (Just after dematerialising) Doctor: Goodbye!! Good bye, you nagging know it all bitc--OH, Hello Adric. There's been a horrible accident I'm afraid. Dialogue Oddities - (ORIGINAL SCRIPT) The Doctor: Romana, has left my life. From this moment on I shall always be...diminished. (ON SCREEN) Tom Baker: Hold on Adric, I know a great place to pick up a bit of Welsh tart! Viewer Quotes - "At first I thought the writers had tried to cultivate and maintain an air of mystery. Then I just found out the whole thing was badly written." - Andrew Jones (1985) "He defiles the holy vows of matrimony. Good for him!" - Father James O'Maley (1981) "Sure, everyone says Romana was such a good companion. Everyone says Romana made Doctor Who special for them. But how many people openly admit to wanking themselves eightteen times a day to pictures of her in that school uniform? That's the difference between being a causal viewer and being a FAN. I'm the BIGGEST Romana fan there is... at least, I hope so. But if I'm NOT, then WOW, that person must be REALLY dehydrated." - Random Fan at Gallifrey One Con (1999) "Okay, what the hell was that?" - Charles Daniels (2003) Psychotic Nostalgia - "I enslaved a race of cat people once, and I payed the price - not in prison time, but in furballs." Tom Baker Speaks! "Ahh yes, the Doctor. Free from the ultimate Doctor Who monster. A moment of victory. A fleeting second of success and joy. To be on the hunt again, seeking, living, groping, on the edge. That is the way the Doctor lives his life, and I AM THE DOCTOR. I hope that when they make a new series of Doctor Who they will embrace that aspect of the character, that I created. I want to see Eddie Izzard, every Saturday night, groping people. That's quality entertainment." Rumors & Facts - Shortly after he assumed the post of Doctor Who's script editor Christopher H Bidmead approached renowned science-fiction author Robert A. Heinlein about the possibility of his writing a story for the series. Robert A. Heinlein reportedly laughed so hard that he needed major surgery. Bidmead was apparently disappointed by this reaction, so he went off seeking his second choice, veteran Who script writer, Chris Butcher. Butcher had just heard the tragic news that his unpopular situation comedy, The Vicar Who Lives Down the Street by the Chemist, was not going to be renewed for a second season. Bidmead expressed that he felt Butcher had nevertheless truly grown as a writer. The situation comedy mentioned above had shown that Butcher was capable of writing material that didn't occur to him personally in his flat. In fact Butcher confessed that at times he was forced to use his imagination -- dreaming up what it would be like to live further along his block and to have to wear a silly outfit while doing it. Christopher Bidmead explained to Butcher that his script would have to include the exit sequence for Romana and K-9 for the following reasons - 1. The actress who played Romana was keen to leave the series and get the hell away from Tom. 2. The prop company that had built K-9 and owned the designs also wanted to get their property as far away from Tom Baker as possible, because they had finally heard what he had been doing to it. 3. The crew no longer wished to see Tom Baker indulge himself with the female companions and robotic dog props. After months of feverish writing, Butcher turned in a script entitled "The Time Lords of 12 Cromwell Road, London, SW7 58D" and reported to Bidmead in pride that this time he had placed the Time Lord's home planet in an entirely different post code from his own. The adventure was a Time Lord political thriller, based deep in the heart of London. By June, it was becoming clear that problems with the scripts were proving insurmountable - notably that they weren't very good. With little time left for suicide, Bidmead had to race to locate a replacement. Bidmead found a his replacement in the personage of a strange and elusive science fiction author named Kilgore Trout. Kilgore Trout worked cheap, really cheap, in fact he just wanted a tube of Smarties and a half a pint of lager. Thus, this is how the engine of Doctor Who ran. Romana: Run Doctor! Scurry off in your blue box. You're like all the rest. I'm sick of your kind. Men are such bastards, aren't they K-9? K9: Affirmative Mistress.