The One Hundred and Fourteenth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Gimli Serial 5R - Circle Jerk - The TARDIS passes through a Cheap Vortex Entrance, a plot device that leads to a smaller universe, located roughly at 92 High Street in Exeter, England, Earth - right next to The Turk's Head pub. The TARDIS finally lands on a small, blue, green planet named Alzarius. The local people have unimaginatively decided to call themselves "The Alzarians", which is how they will be referred to from this point on -- whenever I actually bother to mention them -- which hopefully won't be often. The Alzarians have also taken to calling their universe "E-Space" in a desperate attempt to seem hip, up to date, and maybe even a little advanced and quasi-futuristic. The Doctor, Romana, and K9 meet the Alzarians and are interrogated by their e-Government, forced to sign e-Confessions, and eventually are cleared of all charges through the lengthy process of e-Justice. The Doctor is so annoyed by this totally useless attempt by local officials to seem computer savvy that he writes a long flaming e-mail -- before kicking himself over the irony. After registering for an online passport they are allowed permission to visit Alzarius for a period of no longer than 6 months. Romana and K-9 suggest that 6 minutes would be more than enough for them, but the Doctor has a soft spot for worlds that torture him and his companions, so he decides to settle in for a bit. The Doctor and Romana soon discover that the Alzarians are not even native to Alzarius. The entire population are in fact the descendants of an intergalactic taxi driver and his unlucky fair who crashlanded on the planet 40 generations ago. This has caused some social turmoil as the original taxi driver left his meter running and half of the population reckons the other half is still responsible for the fare. In order to avoid complete genocide over the most obscene taxi charge in the universe, some 93 trillion Earth Union Dollars, the Alazarians have trusted their fates to a group of three people who make all the decisions - cleverly called "The Deciders". The Deciders have preserved and maintained the space taxi in the hope that one day they will be able to figure out how to start it up and return to their legendary homeworld - "Tinky Winky". The Deciders warn that Alzarius is about to enter a mysterious phase known as "Oktoberfest", a time when fog descends over the minds of the colonists. At first the Doctor, Romana, and K9 celebrate in the belief that soon it will be beer and sausages for all. The Deciders mention the joys of Oktoberfest, but somehow manage to leave out all the details relating to the venomous spiders that hatch from eggs inside the river-fruit that the colonists harvest, and the fearsome homocidal creatures that rise from the marshes. In their defense the Deciders mention that when they used to include the tidbits about the spiders and psychotic killing machines that it hurt their tourism figures. The spiders and marsh creatures of the damned are ignored by a group of young IT specialists, led by Varsh, who believe Oktoberfest to be nothing but a distraction from their Assembly Language exams. But as Oktoberfest looms into existence the Doctor and K-9 witness savage Marshmen rising from the lake. Romana meets up with the IT Specialists, who accidentally activate the TARDIS, stranding her in their cubicle, where she is attacked and infected by Use Cases. The Doctor rescues Romana from UML and takes her and the IT Specialists to the Space Taxi, where the Alzarians are now trying to make the engine turn over. Watching their pathetic attempts to start what appears to be a Checker Cab converted for interstellar transport, the Doctor engages the youngest of the IT specialists in a conversation about OO Programming. Within moments of starting the conversation the Doctor becomes deeply annoyed at the young man, Adric, who is bragging about how HE personally designed e-Government, e-Justice, e-Interrogation, and even was on the team that came up with the E-Space brand name. Through his conversations with Adric, the Doctor realises that the Alzarians are a bunch of bastards that deserve to die. The Doctor leans back and merrily eats popcorn as the Marsh Creatures kill every Alzarian in sight. After a full night of carnage and bloodlust, the Doctor and Romana leave, unaware that Adric has stowed away on board the TARDIS... Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who and the Circle Jerk Learn Math With Adric and K9 The Adric Estrogen Society E-zine Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed reddish for most of this story Goofs - Adric was introduced in this episode. Technobabble - "This is the biggest CVE I've seen in sector ZZ9PluralZAlpha since my electronwerxnator was activated on the GG209 circuit!" Links and References - The Doctor mentions that he wishes the Brigadier was around because he is certain that the Alzarians are not immune to bullets. Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor causually mentions that he had a summer job driving a space taxi between The Crab Nebula and the Graxton Expanse. Apparently this was the summer before his failed attempt to open up a Roller Disco in ancient Greece. Groovy DVD Extras - A 15 minute documentary in which Pro-Adric and Anti-Adric fans beat each other senseless with question mark umbrellas - while supposedly debating the merits of Adric as a companion. Dialogue Disasters - Decider: We will return to the promised planet! Doctor: The promised planet? Decider: The place of our ancestors, where the men walked with the gods amoungst the stars and there was infinite promise for tomorrow. A planet we know of only as a fable, a legend, the golden paradise - Tinky Winky! Doctor: AHhh..yes. Umm, I think we've got some of our facts muddled up here. Dialogue Triumphs - Romana: The Time Lords want me back. Doctor: Yes, well, I can see why. Romana: Doctor, I don't want to spend the rest of my life on Gallifrey - after all this! After killing Dustbins and being married, and having the most romantic and fantastic time of my life. Doctor: Well, you can't fight Time Lords, Romana. Romana: But we're MARRIED! Doctor: Well what does that mean really? Remember Susan? We visited her after the honeymoon? Romana: Of course, your granddaughter. Doctor: Yes..well, one of them. Ever wonder why *I* don't go back to Gallifrey? Romana: You're a rebel! An outcast! Doctor: Oh yes, but there is something I fear more than the Dustbins, more than the Time Lords.. Romana: Yes? Doctor: The alimony payments! Dialogue Oddities - (ORIGINAL SCRIPT) The Doctor: Worry not good lady Romana. I will never let the time lords steal my precious love from me. (ON SCREEN) Tom Baker: Oh, if you have a moment, can you forward my mail? I forgot to fill out of change of address before going renegade. Thanks Ducky. Viewer Quotes - "Circle Jerk is very much a story written by a moron for fans" - Siggy Seldman (1983) "Adric was interesting. He was very well introduced, as a misfit in his brother's IT startup. Adric blended into the story rather well. Matthew Waterhouse isn't the best of young actors, but if he wants to come to my house for a quick one, I'll be happy!" - Alan Walters (1981) "I guess the Circle part was to show the continuity and circular happening of the season of Oktoberfest, and the Jerk part was about the Doctor and company being jerked out of time, or Adric BEING a jerk...but to be honest, I rented this video thinking it was a cheap Doctor Who porn flick...so of course I'm disappointed, and would like my money back. Thank you, Your Loyal Customer." - Charles Daniels, letter to Tower Video (1993) "Circle Jerk! Such a shameful and tasteless name for a television programme! I have already written to BBC Video demanding my money back! This is distracting the faithful from the REAL smut!" - Father James O' Maley (1989) Psychotic Nostalgia - "You think spiders in fruit is freaky? You should see the spiders IN MY MIND!!!" Tom Baker Speaks! "Ah yes, Circle Jerk. I thought this was going to be the shining story of the season - with Romana and K9 there, that would have been a great scene to play out. The extras would be fine, but compared to Romana and K9, they would be extras. The bonus bodies at the Circle Jerk of time, if you will. I was very heart broken when I discovered that the story wasn't like that. I haven't been to a good orgy, I mean a REALLY good one with chocolate fondue and everything, since 1974." Rumors & Facts - Nineteen year-old Andre Smyth, a longtime Doctor Who fan and early member of the Doctor Who Worship Cult, had been sending script ideas to the Who production office once a week, every week, for 10 years. When Christopher H Bidmead became the programme's producer he was desperate for new writers, and ESPECIALLY for new writers who hated Douglas Adams with a passion. Bidmead came upon one of Smyth's submissions, The Mildly Drowsy Planet, which had been rejected by Douglas Adams, somewhat because he thought the script was too amateurish, but mostly because he hadn't written it and it didn't include anything sensible for Doctor Who - such as hyperintelligent mice and swashbuckling space pirates. In the original script, the TARDIS lands on a planet that causes the Doctor and Romana to become mildly drowsy. They attempt to discover the cause of this anomaly, but fall asleep. Impressed by simple and logical premise of The Mildly Drowsy Planet, Bidmead sought out producer John Satan-Turner's consent that Smyth be commissioned. Satan-Turner agreed, with the stipulation that something should actually HAPPEN in a second draft of the script. From this humble beginning the epic story "Circle Jerk" was born. Bidmead and Smyth began working together to massage The Mildly Drowsy Planet into full script form. The first script revision attacked what they saw as the main weakness of the story, it didn't have enough "punch". So Bidmead and Smyth went all out and rewrote the script which they re-titled - "The Incredibly Drowsy Planet". Even this did not appease Satan-Turner and a third version was demanded. Bidmead and Symth were so annoyed by this, and by how they belittled they had been by Satan-Turner, that they decided to beat him at his own game. For the third version of the script Bidmead and Smyth met Satan-Turner's unfair demand that there be an actual "plot", but in revenge they devised a new companion -- Adric. Bidmead and Smyth hyped Adric as a sort of artful dodger from Oliver Twist. However the sweet revenge of inflicting Adric into the story didn't work very well in Smyth's original conception of The Mildly Drowsy Planet. Consequently, to pursue their vengence against Satan-Turner as a higher goal than any other, it was decided to remove drowsy element from the story. Leaving them with "The Mildly Planet". At the last minute the story title was changed from "The Mildly Planet" to "Circle Jerk" by John Satan-Turner. No one knows why. As far as I know, no one wanted to ask.