The One Hundred and Twelfth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Jazzercise Serial 5N - The Leisure Centre - The planet Argolis is devastated, the surface of the planet is uninhabitable following a twenty minute nuclear war between the Argolins and their enemies the Foamasi. No trace of civilization remains on the planet Argolis -- except for a single Leisure Centre which was once in a fashionable part of down town, but now is located in the middle of a barren and hostile planet experiencing nuclear winter. The Doctor, while rummaging through his pockets, discovers a 10 day free pass to the Leisure Centre, and decides that Argolis sounds like a jolly lovely place to go. "Relax in our olympic-sized swimming pool, completely sheltered from the nuclear fall out. Enjoy scenic vistas of destruction visable from our observation deck." What the Doctor doesn't know is that a strange Argolian, named Pangol, plans to rule the entire universe with revenues from the Leisure Centre. To this end the Doctor and Romana are given the hard sell of a lifetime by Pangol. Pangol attempts to convince them that they both need to buy the Leisure Centre's own brand of multi-vitamin, which he assures them is a lot better than any other vitamin in the entire universe, and for proof he mentions just how super shiny the bottle they come in is. He tries to convince them that they both need special one-on-one exercise sessions, 5 times a week, at a generous 1,000,000 Quatloos an hour. The Doctor and Romana muck about in the pool for 10 days, and then prepare to leave. Pangol's plan seems doomed, he relied solely on the stupidity of people with free 10 day passes to fuel his money empire and eventual conquest of all creation. In desperation he offers to give Romana and the Doctor a free training session on the weight machines, but the Doctor reprograms the weight machines into killer androids whom are dangerously addicted to chocolate. The "chocolate nutrition bar" dispensers on floors 3, 4, and 5 are smashed, depriving Pangol of still further funds. Pangol realises that his dreams for conquest are at an end. To celebrate his victory, the Doctor goes to shower with the other men and K9. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And the Gym of Death Boogaloo: The Revenge K9, Robot Exhibitionist Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed sweaty for most of this story Goofs - K9 was written into this story, and appears on camera Technobabble - "It's time for my double quasi-cardioid fizbinn exercises!" Links and References - After only 3 seconds of crunches the Doctor is delirious and calls Romana - "Sarah", "Susan", and "Jamie", respectively. Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor causally mentions that he was Adolf Hitler and his dog Groovy DVD Extras - A scene, probably cut for time, when the Doctor is heaving for air and calls Romana "Ian". The cut scene with Tom Baker singing in the last Karaoke Bar in existence is thankfully not included. Dialogue Disasters - Doctor: It's savage, it's horrible. How such an advanced society can indulge in such barbarism. Romana: Nuclear conflict is distasteful. Doctor: What? Don't you see what's right in front of your eyes? Sweatin' to the Oldies, Volume 97! Romana: Is that bad? Doctor: Is that bad?! Is that bad?! Do Kangaroos have teeth? Romana: Yes, I'd imagine. Doctor: EXACTLY! Dialogue Triumphs - Romana: I don't understand. Nothing survived the holocaust, except this Leisure Centre? Doctor: Oh yes! They were very careful for just such an eventuality, triple lead lined protected you see? Romana: But..WHY? Doctor: Well imagine how disappointed you'd be. You've spend all this time and effort exercising, getting fit, just to be vapourized while running on a tread machine..it would be disastrous for morale, not to mention for business. Dialogue Oddities - (ORIGINAL SCRIPT) The Doctor: Ah! Chronotonic Exercise Feedback! How Invigorating! (ON SCREEN) Tom Baker: AHH!! MY BACK!! SHUT THIS THING OFF!! Viewer Quotes - "I hope that the average member of the public doesn't get the wrong idea from this story -- our Vitamin bottles are MUCH more shiny." - 48 Hour Fitness (2001) "Good activities lead to a good Christian mind. I'm often found in gym showers, just enjoying the smell of it all." - Father James O'Maley (1980) "Tom Baker again seems very calm, cool, professional. I think he's actually a lot like Cary Grant." - Loony (1982) "GIRRRLS!! SPANDEX!" - Charles Daniels, impersonating Father Jack (2003) Psychotic Nostalgia - "Why pay hundreds of dollars to some club to exercise? I get all the exercise I need digging graves and wrestling badgers. Ain't hurt me none. When are they going to bring Leela back? Somebody needs some killin'." Tom Baker Speaks! "Ah yes, a cruel deception. A certain Doctor Who monster, to whom I was married, felt I needed a bit more locomotion and lifting of heavy objects in my lifestyle. And I think everyone on the production staff was at that time, slightly unhappy with me for SOME reason, and so they wrote a story to torture me with very shoddy ill-built BBC exercise gym equipment. Still, I got the final laugh, I licked the exercise equipment after every take, covered it with my tongue, until no one else would touch it and they had to throw it all way. That was easy enough for some of the smaller weights, but I wouldn't want to ever have to go through that entire exercise bicycle affair ever again. I felt very found of that bicycle, when they crushed it. It was a warm and imitate relationship that far outstripped anything I've ever experienced with another human being. I called it Mandy." Rumors & Facts - Just when it seemed Doctor Who was truly established, a rock of style and sophisication, a genre in it's own right -- the rules all changed. In the eighteenth season Doctor Who underwent a complete mutation. All of these changes stemmed from one man - John Satan-Turner. A mysterious figure that has been lied about and misunderstood for decades. Most noticably, the infamous and beautiful "time vortex" title sequence which inspired so much wonder and mystery in Doctor Who was knifed viciously in the back one lonely evening in a pub called "The Kebab and Calculator". The opening title sequence stumbled out of the pub, by now it's lungs were aching for air, when John Satan-Turner laughed gleefully and stabbed it again. Satan-Turner explained away this insane behaviour as "a bold gesture" and insisted that he wanted "An innovative and unique opening title sequence, like none other ever seen in science fiction". Satan-Turner's bold vision was best described as "a star field". Ironically every single science fiction series in history features a star field in it's opening. Fans were left to conjecture that maybe John Satan-Turner assumed Doctor Who was a Sherlock Holmes-style murder mystery programme. Other, wiser heads, correctly deduced that Satan-Turner was simply a moron. Next Satan-Turner dropped the staple theme of the series, Ron Grainer's theme of pure loveliness, for a theme which apparently was taken from the demo key on a cheap Casio 855F keyboard. Also Dudley Simpson, whose highly distinctive incidental music was for so many years a staple ingredient of the series, was dropped in favour of whatever boy band Ian Levine was managing that week. And then, most of all, and most noticably (forget what I claimed was most noticably a few paragraphs ago, I was a mad man back then) was the addition of question marks to the Doctor's outfit. This has long enraged fans, and I, eager to dig up dirt on JST, decided to investigate - Kenneth Bridge (Life long friend of Satan-Turner) told me this in a private interview (January 2003): "Oh yes, the punctuation problem. Well, you must understand that as a young boy John always wanted to please and be accepted. And there was this English teacher he had, as a young man, who he felt a very deep affection and longing for. He desperately wanted to be respected and noticed, but he was appalling bad at English. He kept getting the worse possible marks because his punctuation was so atrocious, and this lead to a deep frustation. And I could tell, even then, that he became focused, if not totally obsessed with question marks. In the early days I think it might have been under control, but as this relationship went on, the feelings that he had for his English teacher, and the feelings that he had for punctuation got mixed up. I used to go with him to parties, of people who were, you know -- sexually attracted to punctuation. It might sound very odd, if you haven't really explored that, but I think everyone can agree that exclamation marks are very exciting, arousing even. Exclamation marks get your attention, they grab you, they say "HEY, LOOK AT ME!". And from there it's very easy to slip into say a question mark fetish. I mean they are so mysterious, so taboo, what's going on here? Will it feel naughty? Will it feel nice? Will I be embarassed? Anyway, after awhile I saw he was moving onto the harder stuff, y'know, semi-colons, colons, dashes, ellipses, and finally even curly brackets - whatever the hell that's about! I think that, in his heart of hearts, he never really found anything more fulfilling than that basic question mark enigma. I know we used to watch videos with hot, oily people rubbing up against giant styrofoam question marks of all different colours. Really, I feel perfectly comfortable with it all. The only time I've had any problem was when I found John groping a few backslashes in a seedy bar in Soho. He really hit a low there."