One Hundred and Seventh Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Marriage Serial 5H - Paris Sucks - The Doctor and Romana are wed on the planet Boogaloo. The Boogalooians are a wise and ancient culture who have long since isolated themselves because although they are as peaceful and wise as any could hope to be in this universe -- they are also incredibly thinned skinned and burst into tears whenever anyone makes fun of their names -- which is pretty much constantly. In fact it is said that the entire planet cried on the day of their wedding, not of joy, but because of the numerous bad puns and obscene Delphon glances made by the Doctor during the ceremony. It is needless to say, that they were not welcome to stay there for their honeymoon. So the Doctor went down to Georgia.. umm Paris, which was a very bad idea indeed...... 4 million years ago lived Scarry, a lovable but stubborn little green man. He cruised for exotic locales in his giant spidership, for he was a travelling salesman. Scarry was a salesman for the JackingOff Empire, an empire famous for fuck all. The problem is the their home planet was so remote from the galactic center that there were no other civilizations readily available to inform them that the name JackingOff wasn't an ideal name for their home world. Still, many remote planets have proven unfortunate in this way, such as the Earth. "Earthing It" being a term used across the galaxy for the disgusting act of...well, you know what! Anyway, Scarry wasn't the best pilot ever produced by the JackingOff Empire, hence his name. Scarry wasn't the brighest bulb either because he should have known there would have been no call for his brushes or steak knives on the ancient, barren, desert, rocky Earth. Almost any other salesman in the entire universe would have passed it up, and perhaps scratched a short note out suggesting a return visit a billion years down the road. Scarry however took the unique approach to the situation -- he crashed directly into it. Still you must feel somewhat sorry for old Scarry, he was a pathetic one eyed being with green skin, a wormy face, and entrusted only with a meager warp 3 engine. Scarry's puny spidership, The Ejaculation, glowed, shaked, vibrated, then exploded in the sky into a shower of sparks. This would have definitely killed almost anyone. Scarry however, isn't that lucky. Romana and the Doctor are on top the Eiffel Tower in 1979. The Doctor causually mentions that this is "The only place in the universe where one can relax entirely", however I speculate that he says this because he has just gotten out of Parisian traffic! To go anywhere after being on the street or pavement in Paris, is to relax entirely! The Doctor further comments that Paris has a spirit all its own and compares it to a good wine and hot dinner rolls. It is at this point I begin to speculate that the Doctor is merely trying to hype up his choice of honeymoon locale OR that he is simply getting hungry. In a cheap innenudo to their sexual fulfillment, they forego the lift and instead fly away. "Let's be ostentatious." coos the Doctor at his new wife. It's all rather disgusting really. Meanwhile at a lovely chateau covered in gargoyle faces, thus tipping off this is where the evil is happening, a Professor Kerensky complains of money for the experiments he is haphazardly conducting. A Count named Carlos Dracula gives him three million francs but the Professor tells him, while this is good enough to pay for his lunches for awhile, he will need more to keep the experiments going. It is then that Count Carlos Dracula wonders if he's actually hired Orson Wells by mistake. The Count is further annoyed that one of his rare Guttenberg Bibles didn't fetch enough money. So he informs his butler, Hermann, that they may have to sell the Holy Grail as discreetly as possible. Hermann is skeptical about how discreetly one can offer up a chalice of Christ in the 1979 Parisian antique market, but looks into the possibility. In a cafe, the Doctor is reading the novelization of Star Wars. He flips through it and reads it in about 10 seconds flat. The Doctor comments about the book "exploiting a typical weakness of those Death Stars...I wonder why they make them that way?", and then tells Romana not to move, she might ruin a work of art. A man nearby is drawing a picture of her. Romana turns around quickly, causing the artist to get mad, get up, crumble up the sketch and toss it on the ground. Suddenly, the Doctor senses a disturbance in the force, and Romana chides the Doctor for being so influenced by the bad science fiction he reads. Romana picks up the sketch dropped by the artist and is shocked to see it is a lewd drawing of herself. The Doctor is further and deeply shocked, not only by it's wild inappropriateness, but by it's fantastic realism and accuracy. This causes the Doctor to remember some high class porno he saw back in the Renaissance and so he sets them off to the infamous Louvre. The Doctor calls the Louvre the greatest art gallery in the whole galaxy. Romana suggests that the Academia Stolraus on Sirius 5 might be better, but the Doctor quickly counters with the fact that you are absolutely not allowed to take pictures in the Stolraus, whereas in the Lourve people take so many pictures the flashes can make you go blind. Romana then suggests that the Solarium Panatica on Stricium might be slightly preferable, but then the Doctor mentions that all novelty gift shops have been banned on Stricium, but in the Louvre you can get any artwork of your choice on a T-shirt, mug, or even lighted-up Christmas card with tinny classical music. Finally Romana insists that the Braxiatel Collection must represent a superior gallery, to which the Doctor quickly and deftly counters with holding his breath and stomping his feet until he turns blue and she takes it all back. Apparently this is how he wins many of their debates. All of this of course taking place in front of the infamous Mona Lisa. A school teacher is taking children to the Mona Lisa and asks the Doctor, if he can start breathing and move along. The Doctor stumbles into her, passes by others and then collapses onto a red bench and into rich lady. He sits on her lap and then falls off the bench. This proves of deep embarrassment to Romana, who finally relents in deep aggrivation, "OKAY! It's the best art gallery in the entire DAMNED UNIVERSE!! OKAY!? Even if it's star attraction is some freakish lady without eyebrows! Just start breathing and act your age for once!" The Doctor is kicked out of the Louvre by the staff and angrily shouts "It isn't like this is the first time you know!! See if I care!" Along the sidewalks, a man named Dougal follows Romana and the Doctor. The Doctor and Romana realise this immediately because Dougal crashes over some trash cans and generally trips and stumbles his way along his stalking. The Doctor causually mentions that he stole a bracelet from the rich lady because a bit of kleptomania spices up one's day, and wonders if the gun in his back is related to that. The Doctor decides to be diplomatic and return the bracelet to the fellows with the guns. After this exchange Dougal tells Romana about the strange Count Carlos Dracula. "Masterpieces thought lost for centuries, are all turning up in this bloke's cellar! Sure, an original draft of Hamlet here, a Holy Grail there, and I'd have no reason to be suspicious...but he recently sold a Superman Number 1! They must be very good fakes because they stand up to every scientific test!" Shortly after dropping this nice piece of background, the trio are kidnapped at gunpoint to advance the plot. At the chateau we discover that the rich lady is in fact the wife of Count Carlos Dracula! The Countess smokes a cigarette and tells her husband to PLEASE get his nice face on because they are having company soon. It is here that we are given a touching scene of domestic bliss between a gold digger and a green man with one eye and face reminiscent of moldly spaghetti. Truly one of the heart touching moments of Doctor Who. When the Doctor, Romana, and Dougal arrive at gunpoint the Draculas have prepared a lovely set of party games, appetizers, and similiar party diversions. However when the Countess SEES the Doctor her mood changes completely. She tells Romana that they once had an affair, long before she met the Count. Romana is deeply upset with this news, she angrily asks the Doctor if they'd seen anyone else that day he'd had sex with. The Doctor causually replies "Well, Mona Lisa of course, but that was in the 16th century, and that school teacher of course, but that was in the 40s! The waitress at the cafe, but that must have been ages ago. Oh yes, and that artist chap!" After a long and detailed conversation it transpires that the Doctor has slept with absolutely everyone in Paris. "Well, I have a time machine, and sometimes I get bored and creative." Offers the Doctor in way of explanation. Everyone is roundly upset with the Doctor - The Count for his wife, Romana for everyone else in Paris, and Dougal for eight generations of his family. They are all now to be taken prisoner and led to the cellar by their henchman/butler Hermann. As he leads the way into the cellar, Hermann reveals the entire masterplan. This is a sad state of affairs when the evil overlords entrust their ENTIRE Masterplan to one talkative henchman, but hey, how else is Doctor Who going to save the world? Anyway, they want to steal the Mona Lisa and just by the way, the chateau was built about 474 years ago and therefore makes it a contemporary of Leonardo Da Vinci himself, what an odd useless bit of trivia, that MAY be of some minimal interest. Hermann further explains that they are going to sell a whole bunch of Mona Lisas after the fact and that also in the cellar they are building a machine that can manipulate anti-time, just as a hobby. Sitting the cellar the Doctor approaches the scientist, Kerensky, and tells him that tinkering with time is a bad idea when you don't know what you are doing. The Doctor goes on to further say that HE DOES know what's HE'S DOING and it's STILL a bad idea - as evidenced by the time sex he has enjoyed with every single Parisian. While giving advice to Kerensky the Doctor trips over a painting, which happens to be the Mona Lisa, he immediately mentions this to Kerensky who replies wearily "Oh yes! This whole cellar is crawling with those damned Mona Lisas! I wish they would tidy this place up! Where am I going to put my new Prime Computers?!" The Doctor decides that he'd better talk to DaVinci about this in person, so he makes his escape to the Denise Rene Art Gallery where the TARDIS is parked. The Doctor arrives in Florence, Italy 1505 AD. As usual, Lenardo somehow got wind of his arrival, and not wanting to face the aftermath of their doomed love affair, he runs away. Dejected, the Doctor enjoys some torture from a 16th century incarnation of Count Dracula. The torture mostly consists of the Count bragging about his greatness in history. "Can you imagine? Selling the quarried rock from which the pyramids were built, selling the parchments on which the world was first mapped, being head PR behind the invention of first wheel, selling the first truly usable fire-making kit, and bringing up a whole race to the point where they could buy enough brushes and steak knives to fund the saving of my own race! I will be remembered as the great JackOff of all time! I will be their ultimate Salesman! I WILL BE EMPLOYEE OF THE EPOCH!" During this cliche evil gloating, the Doctor makes a cliche easy escape. Meanwhile, back in the cheateau in modern times, Count Dracula explains his situation to Romana (It's even sadder when the MASTERMINDS can't keep a masterplan to themselves!) -- he's been split into 12 different parts via the warp control cabin. His parts have lead different but connected lives in this planet's history. In this time period he chose the name Count Carlos Dracula to mislead people into thinking he was a vampire. "I realised that IF I called myself Count Dracula..they'd all suspect me to be a vampire, and the thought of me being an alien overlord, would be the farthest things from their mind! Brilliant, don't you think?". Scarry wants to go back to where his spidership was and stop himself from crashing into the earth, and instead boogie on towards Mars to see if they need any Ginsu knives. And, as plot would necessiate, he is now ready to go, this very instant -- and so, he does. The Doctor meets up with Romana and they head for the TARDIS. The TARDIS is inside of a small hotel in Torquay. By the time they arrive the owner has discovered the TARDIS inside of his dining room and has begun to slap about the help, with insane screams - "How did this Police Box get into my dining room Manuel?!" "Que??" "Policia telefone, no me gusta!" "Que?" "Oh god, if Sybil sees this moldly old thing in here I'm dead!" The hotel workers are astounded to see two hippies run into the Police Box shortly before it quickly vaporises. The Doctor and Romana follow Scarry back to Paris in 4 Million BC. Using a telescope, the Doctor finds the JackingOff ship--a vicious, callous, commerical race whom the universe won't miss. While taking a brief walk around the Doctor falls into a puddle of the sinus-like goo from which all life on Earth will spring. The crash which caused Scarry to splinter into time also caused the birth of the entire human race. So in a very real way Scarry had succeeded in giving birth to the most capitalistic, enterprising race in the universe. The Doctor remarks on the irony that Scarry can not see or appreciate this species - "There would be no end to the useless knick-knacks and home improvement devices he could pitch to them." Just then Scarry arrives....on the planet's surface, and NOT in space. This was very bad planning and Scarry is helpless but to watch the spidership crash into a mass of flame and radiation which ignites the slurry soup. The time travellers return to modern times together and the Count escapes in hopes that he will be invited as a returning villain. The Doctor makes way to immediately destroy the anti-time machinery, but Romana stops him in the nick of time. Romana doesn't want the Doctor to destroy the machine before using it to go on a quest for her..... Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Paris Les Merde Doctor Mysterio Mucho Scarry Temporola Boinky! THE BEING THAT CAME FROM BEYOND TIME - to sell us steak knives Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed shagged out for most of this story Fashion Victims - Aliens with green faces and white leisure suits signify beyond all doubt that this IS 1979! Goofs - 4 million years ago??!!!?!?!?! The dinosaurs had been extinct for 61 million years before that!! The timing here is just loopy. Also, the earth is supplied with a nice oxygen atmosphere before the existence of plant life. Oh, and why were they worried about the length of a journey to Torquay if they have a TIME MACHINE to travel in??? Technobabble - "ANTI-TIME!! ANTI-TIME PROTONS!! DISRUPTING...MY MIND!!! ROMANA! ANTI-TIME PROTONS ARE DISRUPTING MY MIND!" "No Doctor, it's all that whiskey you've been drinking, remember?" Links and References - The Doctor mentions the Dustbins and Lavros couldn't show up to the wedding, which he finds agreeable because he wanted a "dirty wedding"...or did he say dirty weekend? I wish my tape wasn't so warbly! Untelevised Misadventures - At some point the Doctor had sex with Leonardo and the model for the Mona Lisa. Also at some point between this story and the Masque of Zorro the Doctor does unsightly things to meat and vegetable products in Da Vinci's broom closet. Also there is a segment of the Doctor's life where he used the TARDIS' time travel capabilities to in someway sleep with every single inhabitant of Paris. So basically there are eons worth of missing adventures which I'm more than happy remain missing. Groovy DVD Extras - A release sadly devoid of any notable bonuses, with the exception of a 2 hour long commentary track, in which Tom Baker tries, and fails, to explain his hair. Dialogue Disasters - Countess: [Speaking of the Doctor] My dear, I don't think he's as stupid as he seems. Count: Yes he is. Count: I am Scarry. Me, together in one. Doctor: I am giant!! HOLY OUTLAW! Altogether, you'll never be strong than me! Count: What are you on about?! Doctor: Oh I'm sorry, I thought you were quoting that song 'Legion', by Black Sabbath you know? "I am standing alone, BUT I CAN ROCK YOU!!" Count: No, no! I was going into my own little meglomanical rant. Doctor: Oh, please continue then. I'm sorry. Count: The centuries that divide me shall be undone. Doctor: I'm afraid I don't know that one...unless...was that a sound clip from Pink Floyd Echoes? Count: What? Doctor: Well it sounds very familiar..hmm.."The centuries than divide me shall be undone"..well that's not a lyric in Time I'm pretty sure. Still it sounds a lot like Pink Floyd. Count: NO!! I was going into yet another meglomanical rant! Doctor: Oh I'm sorry! It's just all your rants sound like lyrics from popular 70s British Rock bands! Count: AND TO THINK I MADE *LOVE* TO YOU! Doctor: Well, name me something that hasn't! I'm a popular vintage. Romana: Shall we take the lift or fly? Doctor: Let's be ostentatious. Romana: All right... let's take the lift, then. Doctor: That would look silly for Time Lords...we'll fly. The Angel of Death wanders onto the scene - Death: YOUR TIME HAS COME! You will travel with me on the river Styx. Doctor: I'm sorry, I think your on the wrong set, this is Doctor Who you see. We're filming. And we're on a budget, so we won't be able to go back and edit this out now. Death: Oh I'm sorry, this set looks just like the one I'm suppose to be on. Doctor: Yes, it's a grand illusion. Death: I'll say, they look IDENTICAL! Doctor: Deep inside they're all the same. Dialogue Triumphs - Dracula: I'm not sure if it will make sense to you, but whenever I come up with a really great masterplan. I mean one I'm damn sure will work and give me world domination, I just like to run it by someone first. To see if they will spot any loopholes that will be incredibly useful in stopping me. Romana: And do you usually get good feedback? Dracula: You know, that's the funny thing. Usually they say they can't think of anything wrong with my plan. So I go on along with it to the letter -- then at the LAST minute, believe it or not, they SUDDENLY come up with something! Damn that's annoying. Romana: Where's a pub around here? Doctor: Are you talking philosophically or geographically? Romana: Philosophically. Doctor: Then there's one called the Voltaire on Avenue Ledru-Rollin! Doctor: I suppose the best way to find out where you've come from is to find out where you're going and work backwards. At least that's what I do after a night in the pub. The fabulous last anti-time quest, which Romana insists on at the end of the story --- Romana: What are you doing Doctor?! Doctor: I'm going to destroy it! Destroy it all! So Scarry can never use anti-time again. Romana: Alright, but, before you do that. I need you to use it for something. Doctor: What?? Whatever for!? Romana: This machine, it can undo time right? Doctor: Yes, entirely. Romana: Than Doctor....I need you to undo Paris. Doctor: What?! Romana: I want you to undefile the entire populace. Doctor: Romana..wait, let me get this straight...you want me to...unscrew the world? Romana: I insist Doctor! Doctor: Do you know how LONG that would take??? Romana: Yes, now, please. For me. Doctor: Alright...but it won't be as fun this time around, believe me! Dialogue Oddities - (ORIGINAL SCRIPT - at the wedding) The Doctor: I do. (ON SCREEN) Tom Baker: I did. Viewers' Quotes - "And so the holy marriage of the time lords exposed the evil, dirty, kinky past of sin and lust...Not enough exposure though, I wanted more direct exposing. I wanted SEE the evil, for only in facing it, can we conquer it. I'm in the mood for some pillage and conquest today I tell ya'!" - Father James O' Maley (1979) "We, The JackingOff Empire, wish to relay to the human race, that any attempt to destroy it entirely should not be seen as an invitation to not buy our variety of special and helpful products." - Official Diplomatic Department (4 Million BC) "The opening sequence could hardly have been more effective. I haven't read much mention of this elsewhere, but it establishes a likeable, if somewhat inept character. I mean here's this poor green bastard with one eye trying to make a living selling electric toothbrushes and a few odd and ends, and he pilots spidership into an empty, inert Earth. You gotta feel for the jerk. That's all I'm saying." - Chris Drunk (1980) "Sure this story had a cracking good storyline, brilliant characterisations, a fantastic sense of humour, but all of them have storylines, characterisations, and senses of humor...this one is special because it had lots and lots of gratuitous violence!" - Manuel Danielson (1989) Psychotic Nostalgia - "Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be so impressed because this alien made all this machinery to UNMAKE time in his basement! Have you seen the stuff in my basement?? Oh man! It's neat and it's got spikes too!" Tom Baker Speaks! "They let me adlib on this one. I always liked the ones where I was allowed to ad lib. I say, this is the one where I married a Doctor Who Monster! Still, I might be tempted to tell you about what I did to the BBC's candy machine. Maybe, if you passed me another pint and gave me a sexy wink." - Tom Baker exclusive Rumors & Facts - Paris Sucks is one of the very few Doctor Who serials not yet novelised, due to the rate of 8 million pounds per page commanded by Adams and his refusal to let anyone else tackle the story and his persisant refusal to come back from the dead and finish it himself. However, Adams did self-plagarize the whole damn thing in his 1987 novel Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency. The history of this story follows - A script had come in called "The Gamble With Time", set in Las Vegas, which starts with the story that the Doctor and Romana have settled down as a married couple and the Doctor has gone into the business of rigging gambling machines in order to keep them both rich as sin. This goes well until Count Dracula, last of the Vampires, shows up and steals the Doctor's money in order to build a time machine which will transport him to the beginning of the vampire race, allowing him to guide and alter the history of his kind. Unfortunately, the producer was displeased with the scripts, saying that "Vampires were simply too camp and crap to ever appear in Doctor Who" and he was uneasy about including material about gambling that featured the Doctor cheating at craps. The script would have gone largely ignored except for the fact that the reliable writer they had all their hopes pinned on was busy writing for a pilot about his own life called "I Live In My Own Apartment, And Not My Neighbors Apartment. Even Though His Apartment Is Just As Nice." Deep in throes of disbelieving panic, the producer and script editor shut themselves away for three days for some serious drinking. It was during this period that they turned to and completely rewrote The Gamble With Time. The Curse Of Marriage, as it was now known, was an incredibly similar adventure which differed in the details on every single level. The crew arrived to film in France from May 30th to April 3rd. Unfortunately, and you really have to admire this, they totally forgot that this meant May Day was going on full throttle in France. Every place they went to for two full days was closed up. First, the Denise Rene art gallery was not only closed but its owners were completely unreachable. The director decided to continue taping regardless. Unfortunately, on the fourth take, Baker rattled the gallery doors too violently, setting off a burglar alarm. With enough shots already in the can, cast and crew hurried away to the next location, leaving Nathan-Turner to be captured by the police and spend several days in a French prison -- an experience he apparently did not disagree with. Later that day, the director learned that his request to carry out some filming at the Louvre had been turned down. With only a few brief sequences needed, the director elected break into the museum to do the filming anyway. Then, on the next day, cast and crew arrived at a cafe called the Cafe Coquille, only to find that it, too, was closed for the holiday. When the owner refused to open his doors, the cast was forced to break down the door and begin shooting as fast as possible, apparently Mr. Baker liberated various buns from the tyranny of the proprietor. It is not surprising that the Doctor Who team was never again invited to shoot in France.