One Hundred and Fourth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Paul Is Dead Serial 5E - The Powder Of Droll - The TARDIS appears completely nude in long swamp reeds in the middle of a quagmire. This imagery is decidely pornographic and causes K-9's central processing unit to become so excited that he is unable to leave the TARDIS. The Doctor and Romana, disgusted by the efforts of K-9 to mechanically hump the TARDIS in classic dog style, leave the TARDIS in order to search for the next segment of the Key to Chicken. In a sad attempt to look cool and impress his female companion, the Doctor stops, sits, stands, and drops his hat and leg to do a gravity check - sure enough the Doctor quickly deduces that the planet they are on has gravity. This deduction totally fails to offer any seduction for Romana. The Doctor then puts his finger in his mouth and begins to make quacking sounds, this is an ancient party trick performed by Rassilon himself to pick up women -- sadly it does not show any signs of success here. As the Doctor places his hand into his armpit to make comic farting noises, Romana makes the somewhat blantant observation, "Doctor, sometimes I don't think you're quite right in the head." As Romana attempts to find signs of the herbs and spices hidden away in this distant outpost, the Doctor uses a reed as flute in a sad attempt to play "If You Think I'm Sexy". So horrid is his rendition that Romana happily allows two Swampies to grab her from behind. The Doctor starts calling for Romana but a random passerby shoots him dead for being such an annoying bastard. From here, the story just gets strange and falls apart. The Doctor gets up, to find himself in Time Lord Heaven -- which he calmly assures the audience is just down the road from doggie and human heaven. The Doctor is puzzled by the idea that he could have possibly been qualified for entry into Time Lord heaven, figuring this is all some silly mistake he insists that he is simply conducting a survey to see what the dead think of the afterlife. When he tries to conduct his first mock survey he talks to an ancient and long dead Time Lord known only as The Mangler. The Mangler insists that the Doctor has indeed arrived in Time Lord heaven entirely by accident and then proceeds to insist that the Doctor report immediately to Time Lord Hell, located directly next to the Starbuck's Coffee. The Doctor is at first hesitant to report to hell, and is made even more hesitant when The Mangler describes Time Lord Hell as an eternal burning in the firey vortex of pure hate. After describing the conditions endured by the damned of the Time Lords, the Mangler is not amused when the Doctor asks if there will be strawberry jam for tea. Romana is tied by Swampies to a rock. This is not a very effective way to keep her captive, but the Swampies just seem to have a thing for tying young attractive women to rocks. In order to keep some pretense of an honest capture they sit near her and attempt to question her. Romana dodges all of their questions telling them that she and the Doctor were there to catch butterflies. The Swampies threaten to choke her if she doesn't answer truthfully -- but in all honesty they were hoping to do that anyway. Meanwhile the Doctor is enjoying a Mocha Frappaccino in Starbuck's while having an interesting conversation with Colonel Sanders. Colonel Sanders explains that the Doctor's death could mean the end to chicken everywhere in the entire universe. The Doctor seems content to sit back and watch the whole universe fall apart, he jokingly admits that since his death he hasn't felt as lively as he used to. Back in the living, Romana has discovered that the Swampies worship a strange and rather boring god named Droll. Apparently the entire religion is based on finding young women, tying them up, and generally being naughty. It does not come as a surprise that in recent years the religion has enjoyed various human converts. One such human, Rohm Dutt, celebrates the spirit of an ancient earth festival - Christmas. Overwhelmed with the spirit of Christmas Rohm Dutt gives his Swampie friends the gift that keeps on giving - machine guns. In a moment of Freudian excitement 100 tons of compressed protein is shot into orbit. The natives chant 'Droll' over and over and over and over and over and over and over again as drums play and the rocket shoots in the distance. A pit is opened to sacrifice Romana in. Rohm Dutt calls Droll from the bottomless deep. The ritual goes on and on AND ON. MY GOD HOW MANY TIMES CAN THESE BASTARDS SHOUT 'DROLL! DROLL!'? Romana is still tied down - but in an unusual twist, instead of being tied to a stake, the Swampies have tied steaks onto her body. Covered in raw meat and trying to convince herself this Droll business is just nonsense, the grass doors close to protect the Swampies from Droll and blocking Romana from them. As the chanting rises to a crescendo 'DROLL!!!' "DROLL!!!!!", a cheaply animated monster comes up at Romana, its claws snapping for her screaming face... Romana Dies. From here, the story just gets silly. Arriving in Time Lord Heaven Romana finds the Doctor in an alleyway twitching from the nine-thousand shots of espresso he has recently consumed at Starbuck's. Romana knows the only cure for an overdose of coffee is to get the Doctor liquored up. This scene shows an ironic opposite of Time Lord physiology. Upon drunkening up, the Doctor smashes through the bushy fence, grabs a rake, and begins to stalk the clouds of Time Lord heaven looking for a fight. Chasing after the Doctor the two Time Lords come to a mine-like shaft that goes into a dimension of pure evil. Romana hates mine-like shafts into Dimensions of Pure Evil and the Doctor admits that he's always found them kind of cool. After weighing his options he decides to go down this one. When the Doctor arrives at the bottom of the shaft he finds a book bound in human skin entitled "The Necronomicon For Dummies". It is an illustrated history of things that should not be--atrociously written but with pictures of a giant squid like thing with suckers. The Doctor has an eerie feeling that he recognises something about the illustrations, but he can't quite put his finger on it. The history or legend tells that Droll awakened and killed everyone in the temple, finding the people indolent and fat, swallowed the symbol of its power, and even ate the high priest - In short Droll was having a very bad day. The book details that after killing most the inhabitants Droll apologised and explained that he was simply trying to live up the the standard of his older brother Cthulhu. After this brief apology, Droll consumed the world to flames for a thousand years, then it returned to sleep. Romana says, "Oh, I like a book with a happy ending." That was Droll's evening appearance and he is due for a midnight show. The Doctor and Romana joke that Droll is not one of those monsters that is always about the place, just pops up every couple of centuries -- showing that these sort of dorky conversations are a universal constant amoungst people who have spent far too much time together. After several thousand cringly bad jokes the Doctor and Romana start to develop a series of theories about Droll and what is really going on with the chicken ingredients. Romana offers great insights into the psychic energies which are most likely powering Droll but the Doctor keeps admiring the architecture of the burning towers that seem to be abundant in the evil universe around them. Eventually after careful study of the book Romana discovers that the monster Droll is about one mile across, 140 feet high, and has 30 tentacles on one side alone. The monster also has silly eyes and the caption underneath the illustrations of Droll all read "Droll -- Terry Gilliam". The terrible truth then strikes them! Droll is nothing more than some silly Gilliamation! Upon this realisation the two Time Lords are stucked through a psychedelic vortex into the lair of Terry Gilliam himself. Terry Gilliam gloats evilly that as of this moment he has total control the Doctor and Romana and that now they will serve his will in a land of cartoons. In response to this gloating the Doctor stabs Gilliam with the locator and he turns into cinnamon. The Doctor then turns the locator on a cartoon Droll located on the floor of the drawing room and it transforms into parsley. The End. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who: Death Comes To Thyme Doctor Mysterio Squiderro Sploogee! Lonely Planet's Guide To The Afterlife Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed calamari for most of this story As usual Tom Baker's replies seem to exist in a different dimension from Romana's questions "I'm a very loyal customer of Starfucks." Insists Tom Baker. Fashion Victims - I'm amazed the Jolly Green Giant didn't sue the everyone's ass off for this one. Goofs - "Constellation" is once again used to mean "adult magazine" Did Sam Raimi get a different edition of the Necronomicon or something?? How many copies of this thing are floating around anyway? Technobabble - "The power of calamari has been harnessed here at an expotential level!" Links and References - The Doctor briefly mentions that the events with Droll remind him of the events he faced on the planet Dildo. When asked how the current situation related to his experiences on Dildo, the Doctor replies to a stunned Romana "Dildo??? Oh I'd forgotten about that place!" Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor implies that he once met a famous opera singer and squid named Sticky Legs Johnson. Dialogue Disasters - Describing the plot - Swampies: DROLL!! DROLL!!! DROLL!!!!!!! Dialogue Triumphs - Col. Sanders: Droll is all wise, all seeing... The Doctor: Perhaps, but I bet I'm better than him at sleight of hand! Col. Sanders: Droll has thirty tentacles, that far out numbers your hands! The Doctor: Yes, but I don't use only my hands. Dialogue Oddities - (ORIGINAL SCRIPT) The Doctor: (Looking into the book bound in human flesh) Never in all my years, in all my lives, have I seen a god as dark as this. As ruthless, as merciless, we have been delivered into the clutches of evil itself. (ON SCREEN) Tom Baker: Ah, he's just a huge fucking squid! Viewers' Quotes - "This story is ridiculous. Heaven? Do you think there REALLY is a heaven? I'll tell you where we go after we die - HELL! Hell, damnation, and eternal torment, THAT'S ALL THERE IS!" - Father James O'Maley (1979) "This story is not well remembered by many fans..I for one can't think of a single thing to say about it." - Paul Martin (1993) "Every day we face the technology-nature struggle. We are nature. The world we live in is technology. Nature is the unpredictable Droll, technology is the scheduled rocket launches. Nature and technology, they're two dudes who are never going to sit down at the pub together." - Ed Dunn's "Reading Too Much Into Doctor Who" (1986) Psychotic Nostalgia - "If I stopped to worship every dark and evil god ready to consume all of humanity in a napalm blaze, I'd never have time to do my own killing on my own time. I mean sure, it's nice to believe that you are committing a series of horrific murders that will somehow provide the energy required to let a dark ancient god upon the world...but sometimes you just have to think of yourself." Tom Baker Speaks! "Beyond Death and Cartoons, Nothing could stop me in my quest to find those sacred elements that would make the chicken complete. But for all my adventures, I knew that the challenge before me, the journey to the last ingredient, would be the most daring of all." - Tom Baker from the record "The Key To Chicken" (1979) "Please, turn the video off -- I'm terribly frightened of squid you see. You can't trust them. They just stare at you. Those cold eyes, yes. Yes, my nerves are quite disrupted now...I need a drink. That will help. And after you've poured me one..could you show me something else terrifying that requires immediate calming? I want to be very calm. Comatose calm if possible. Tell you what, just hand over the whole bottle." - Tom Baker exclusive Rumors & Facts - Any story that requires a dark god of total evil to be delivered on a budget of roughly three buttons and a bottle cap is bound to encounter problems. One can well understand Sherlock Holmes' unease at being asked to come up with a story featuring the biggest monster ever seen in Doctor Who. It is not at all surprising that he was unable to do his best work while chained to a desk in the BBC offices and denied food and water - indeed, it seems that Holmes was always at his least inspired when working within constraints with which he was uncomfortable, such as when the BBC nailed his head to a studio camera for the duration of his scripting of season eleven's The Slime Warrior. Sherlock Holmes' first draft of the script entitled "Help Me, I've Been Chain Down To A Desk AT BBC Centre" was rejected due to the lack of a large enough squid in the story. The title was soon altered to "Please Help Me, I'm Starving" which was met with equal distain, and then to "It's All Right, I Think I'm Dead Now Actually". This latter change came about because of repeated black outs and severe delusions suffered by Sherlock Holmes. When Sherlock Holmes was finally able to escape, all of these drafts were abandoned and the title was changed to The Powder Of Droll. Meanwhile, the director originally assigned to the story, Michael Hayes, grew increasingly concerned about the size of his penis, especially when compared to the huge monster he was comparing himself against. Location filming began on September 18th. The next day was the first time the Swampies appeared in make-up, using a German product selected by make-up artist Kezia Deweeb for its striking appearance on camera and its insolubility in water. Unfortunately, Deweeb neglected to also order the special solvent needed to remove the make-up. Due to the prolong exposure to the German chemicals many of the Swampie actors have green-tinged skin to this day. This story taught fandom that regeneration does not occur if you are ingested by giant squid or have your head blown clean off for being an annoying git. However the thing it most effectively taught fandom was that Holmes really needed cociane to write a masterpiece.