One Hundred and First Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Winston Smith Serial 5B - The Planet Pirates of Magrathea - The blue time-travelly box of rassilon heads for the planet Calufrax, where the second most successful chicken restaurant in the cosmos, Ed's Fried Dead Things In Batter, has reportedly captured the second segment, therefore two of the almighty chicken seasonings that empower the overlords of KFC to rule the cosmos. The Doctor and his companion Romana have pledged to boldly and decisively take back the Key To Chicken to provide order to the cosmos and more importantly to figure out exactly what in the hell goes into the stuff in the first place. Unfortunately the TARDIS is about as accurate as a clock with no gears, no face, and no hands. So instead our brave heroes find themselves on the planet Zanak. Zanak is a special world because it starts with the letter "z". In the galactic community of planets naming your planet with a z in it whatsoever is seen as a pretty ballsy move, however starting off your planet's name is the equivalent of saying "Right, fuck off then!" The planet Zyzz for instance was inhabited by the most offensive, annoying, and confrontational bastards in the history of the entire universe and as such the endless ploys to introduce Coca-Cola and fast food chicken restaurants to it makes for some of the bloodiest, goriest, horrors imaginable - hence why the film is so popular. Zanak, needing to live up to it's reputation, decided to prove that it was hard by entirely removing it's magnetic core and replacing it with a top end ascii-text matter transporter, which is much faster than binary transmissions. The upshot of all this is that they can now materialise their world around other worlds..which is obviously useful because...it's sounds very cool in a science fictiony kind of way. Romana is captured by guards, half chicken, half machine. These creatures look as impressive as the description would imply. This development causes the Doctor to believe that Calufrax is being absorbed by Zanak, because that's just the sort of bad ass thing 'Z' planets like to do! The Doctor is poised to reverse the flow of time itself and save Calufrax from it's horrid fate when the Doctor is visited by Colonel Sanders himself who explains that the time is right for the demise of Calufrax and it's destruction must be allowed to continue for the sake of creation itself. After a few probing questions by the Doctor, Sanders admits he just wants to see Ed's Fried Dead Things In Batter go out of business and thus relieve him of competition. In the time it takes the Doctor to wrestle the truth from Sanders, Calufrax is destroyed entirely save for two tiny natives both played by Eric Idle, which, as fate, and cheap plotting would have it, are the two missing ingredients to the key to chicken! The Eric Idles are forced to leave behind their tiny girlfriends who sing out for the intervention of Mothra, to no avail. The Doctor pokes the Erics and they transform into garlic and sage. Romana asks the Doctor what they must do to stop the evil planet pirates from consuming every world in the universe, to which he replies by running into the TARDIS and summoning Ultraman, Defender of the Universe. The Doctor places the fate of Zanak in Ultraman's hands and decides to seek the next two mystery ingredients. After the TARDIS' departure, Ultraman is completely destroyed and the Zanak high commander, Zanakia, pledges to seek out the Doctor and destroy him! This results in... absolutely nothing as no one has ever bothered to write a sequel! Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Quantum Krikketmen of Time Doctor Mysterio El Planterro Suckie Suckie The Eleven Secret Herbs & Spices - OF DEATH! Fluffs - Tom Baker's acting seemed poultry for most of this story Fashion Victims - Why is it that super advanced alien intelligences always dress like it's 1000 BC? How can I respect alien overlords in togas? Goofs - Colonel Sanders actually has 'powers that raise him above the gods'. Does this mean that all that money I've spent on original reciepe is actually dooming mankind to slavery in the hands of southern gentlemen in white suits? Technobabble - "I've used this old quantum-fluxiod-generator one to many times. 47 more light years, and it will need an oil change." Links and References - The Doctor is aggravated having to talk to the locals and asks Romana why she doesn't just kill them on sight, like his old pal Leela used to. Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor told Isaac Newton the theory of gravity at dinner after sitting in his tree and dropping a 16 ton weight on his head. Dialogue Disasters - Guard [Taking a riding crop from Romana]: This is a forbidden object. Romana: Why? Guard: That is a forbidden question. You are a stranger? Romana: Well, yes. Guard: Strangers are forbidden. Romana: Why? Guard: Because they lead to stilted dialogue such as this. Dialogue Triumphs - When asked about what he does for a living - Doctor: I dodge taxes mostly. Asked about this great leap of deduction - Doctor: I just put 1.3947392 and 2.71603231 together! Romana: And what did you come up with? Doctor: Fuck all if I know..got a calculator!? The Doctor: What is it you're really up to, eh? What do you want? You don't want to take over the universe with a chicken reciepe do you? No. You wouldn't know what to do with it beyond eat it. Doctor: Why have you done this to me?! Captain: It's just a hobby really. Doctor: Just a hobby...just a hobby! You commit mass destruction and murder on a scale that's almost inconceivable and you tell me it's only a hobby?! Captain: Yeah..I mean I'm sorry I captured your pokemon, but it's just a card game, relax! Geez, some people are really too involved in this. Doctor: Just because you happen to have made a brilliantly-conceived toy out of the mummified remains of planets - Captain: It is not just a toy, it's a way of life! Doctor: Then what's it for? Huh? What are you doing? What could possibly be worth all this? Captain: At the end of my term of service, I get a free trip to Disneyland. Doctor: DISNEYLAND! HA!! I bet they don't even pay for your accommodations once you're there! Captain: Yes they do! I get free flight, accommodations, meals, even a free car rental. Doctor: Umm..really? Captain: Oh yes, and I get to stay two weeks like that! Doctor: I say..who were you working for again? Dialogue Oddities - (ORIGINAL SCRIPT) The Doctor: Ultraman must help us restore peace to this latest victim of those who would oppose righteousness. (ON SCREEN) Tom Baker: Ultraman is the only one who can fix this..because I'm getting the hell out of here right now! Viewers' Quotes - "I'd like the complain about this robotic parrot!" "Oh yeah, what's wrong with it?" "It's quantum subfield matrix has ceased to operate! This is a DEAD robotic parrot!" "It's batteries are just low, buy some AA batteries, thank you!" "Hold on! This robotic parrot was built with the pure mathematical knowledge of the wisest and oldest civilization in the universe! I doubt ordinary batteries are likely to help!" "Buy 9 volt then, sir. Thank you!" - The beginning of the absolute worst "Robotic Parrot Sketch" ever performed by anyone at a Doctor Who Convention. "This story was very good. I was hesitant upon hearing such a young new writer would be contributing to the series, but that proves me wrong. Douglas Adams is great, I'd like to lick him." - Steve Woodward (1978) "I was actually locked in a closet, refused any baths whatsoever, and held at gun point by terrorists. That is how I was able to turn in the script only very briefly after the final deadline." - Douglas Adams (1981) "Robotic parrots, planets swallowing each other, witty banter! I'd like to wring the bastard's neck! Come here Dougie! The good father James has an arse kicking for you!" - Father James O' Maley (1978) Psychotic Nostalgia - "I can swallow a sun. It burns a bit, but it's a great way to get women to get into my car. This is a good story... wanna see my scar?" Tom Baker Speaks! "The Doctor was victorious again! My trusty companions Romana and K-9 showed their gratitude to me for days after that harrowing chapter...especially Romana...but you have to be over age sixteen to buy that record." - Tom Baker from the record "The Key To Chicken" (1979) "Ah yes! I recall very vividly that this story was written by a young fellow named Douglas Adams, poor Douglas, he was run over by an ice cream truck in Denmark..or was that Adam Douglas? You know, I just can't be bothered to keep up on the lives of people who aren't Tom Baker, I mean there are a lot of them about aren't there? If I had to remember EVERYONE, even if their name didn't happen to be Tom Baker..well there wouldn't be enough hours in the day...now Charles, yes, be a nice fellow will you and untie me from this sofa." "No, you have to watch all the clips, remember Tom?" "Yes..yes..damn, well could you be a dear and pour another pint of Murphy's down my throat? Yes....excellent." - Programme Guide Exclusive (2001) Rumors & Facts - In 1976, a young psychopath named Douglas Adams submitted two story ideas to Sherlock Holmes. The first of these, The Krikketmen, was a sprawling comical adventure about robots who sought to liberate their planet, trapped in Slow Time, by collecting the pieces of an artifact shaped like enormous cricket stumps. (Nothing is known of Adams' other submission, except that it was entitled "Revenge Of the Mutant Jelly Sandwhiches From Dimension 3") Holmes rejected The Krikketmen (which Adams' would later cut and paste to release as his third novel, Life, The Universe And Everything) but encouraged Adams to stuff his head in a freezer and die. Consequently, when Marc Antony replaced Holmes, Adams was amongst the writers he had under consideration for extermination and removal from the planet. Marc didn't agree with Holmes' dismissal of Adams, as Marc believed that it would be much better if Adam's shoved his head in an oven and died. In a moment of desperation however it was decided to approach Adams about writing a story rather than pursue their only other available script "The Weird Thing That Happened Across The Street When I Was Asleep, But Mrs. Jones (She's My Neighbor) Told Me All About It And It Sounded Quite Amusing". The story Adams was asked to work on was a combination of three disparate concepts, one by producer Graham Williams and the others by strange elves that lived in the drama department of the BBC at the time. Williams' was simply a desire to have a "space pirate" adventure. The strange elves that lived in the drama department wanted something a bit less hokey and predictable though - THANK GOD! It was at first assumed that the elves had wanted a drug allegory, about a company which preys on people who fear death by using machines to slow time down for them. However it was later discovered that the elves actually wanted DRUGS themselves and couldn't give a toss about allegories - they were just on drugs when they dreamed up the whole slow time process machine thing - in fact they were sitting around a coffee machine smoking ganja and playing jacks. Not surprisingly none of these concepts were felt to be able to support a story by themselves. In fact none of the elves were able to support themselves either. Writing on the story proceeded slowly, mostly because Douglas Adams was writing it. It quickly became obvious to Antony that the script would need a lot of work on his part, because Adams had little idea of what could be accomplished on Doctor Who budget. Antony spent fifteen weeks trying to convince Adams that they simply could not create a rampaging robot holocaust scene right before an entire planet exploded and formed a great black holes which began to suck up the entire cosmos - when in fact just a few weeks previously the TARDIS model had to be replaced with a cheese sandwhich for budgetary reasons. To make matters worse, Sir Edmund Chapman of the Drama Department was very negative about The Planet Pirates of Magrathea, suggesting to Marc in a memo on March 14th that the serial should be abandoned, the writers and elves involved would be murdered, and the whole story replaced by an exciting documentary about Lighthouses. In particular, Sir Chapman disapproved of the extremely humorous nature of the scripts, something he thought might be a communist plot to make free people of the world helpless with laughter as the red menace invaded Surrey. This was somewhat ironic, given that it was a directive from BBC management that had led the series away from the more violent and horrific serials of his predecessor, Pinchcliffe. In order to show off his stance he offered to replace the story with a script he recieved entitled "Doctor Who Blows The Frickin' Heads Offa Space Virgins". After the reading of this script, they were allowed to continue on as they had been. Disaster struck on June 4th - the Polyphase Avitron prop was stolen and found hidden in Tom Baker's trousers the next morning. Adding to the strangeness, actress Vi Delmar demanded to be paid entirely in penguins before she would agree to call Ultraman to see if he was available. One script change made during recording was the Doctor's fall against the TARDIS console, injuring his lip. This was to explain away Tom Baker's insane moonlighting job wrestling corgis professionally. Continuing a trend of increasing silliness in Tom Baker's portrayal of the Doctor, here we see him amongst other things talking directly to camera; sticking a half-eaten sausage into the open zipper of his trousers and calling himself Le Hot Dog; and randomly disco dancing around his vile enemies. This more flippant approach to the character would flourish over the next couple of years, especially after Douglas Adams assassinated Marc Antony and succeeded him as script editor for season seventeen, but The Planet Pirates of Magrathea is arguably the story in which it really all went to hell.