Ninety-Fifth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Ribosomes Serial 4T - The Indivisible Enemy - The TARDIS is infiltrated by a strange being known only as "Smarmy Git". Smarmy Git a space-borne intelligence that wishes to spread itself across whatever women will allow it to - and the Doctor is infected by its smarminess. On the whole this proves to be a rather slow Saturday afternoon for the time lord and makes bugger all difference to his normal attitude. The TARDIS soon materialises on TITan, a cheap strip club on one of the moons of Saturn. At this paricular strip club all of the human patrons have also been taken over. Deciding not to break up a perfectly nice relaxing Saturday evening orgy, the TARDIS crew decide to casually join in. The Doctor sleeps with a variety of suspicious looking ladies and eventually collapses as a result of an embarrassing infection. Luckily before losing consciousness the Doctor quickly relays to Leela the coordinates of a free clinic in San Francisco which he regularly frequents. At the Bi-Al Foundation, based inside of the house of the infamous Bi-Al himself in the notorious Haight-Ashbury district, Bi-Al decides to clone the two time travellers for his own purposes. During an entirely disturbing experiment Bi-Al miniaturises the clones using a relative dimensional stabiliser he made from three cans of baked beans and an old dragster engine. Bi-Al goes to all new levels of fetishistic amusement when he injects the tiny clones into the Doctor's body in the hope that they can find and destroy the last hint of the Doctor's sanity. The plan backfires as the Smarmy Git escapes from the Doctor. Smarmy Git is finally enlarged and allowed to carouse in the real world without the need of a host in a tastless scarf. Smarmy Git hitches a ride back to TITan, which is quite a feat as that clocks in at a good 700 million miles. We can only assume that '73 Gremlins get great mileage in the cold void of outerspace. Once at TITan, Smarmy Git commands that special breeding tanks be built for him. To his surprise however TITan already has exactly these kinds of breeding tanks due to popular demand. The Doctor, now cured of Smarmy Git's influence, enlists the help of K9, Bi-Al's pathetic attempt to build a machine to outdo Sony's Aibo in the emerging dog-shaped robot computer industry. The Smarmy Git is currently cell dividing at an alarming rate, yet no one seems to notice his right and left sides constant bickering. The Doctor walks into the situation and after sharing a few choice words with the Smarmy Git/Gits blob he decides not to let diplomacy ruin a good holocaust. Working with K9 the Doctor sets a booby-trap that results in the breeding tanks being blown up, Smarmy Git being blown into pieces, the TITan strip club being blown apart, the moon Titan and the planet Saturn being completely blown into their component molecules, and the solar system itself resembling an ugly shade of something which has just been blown up several times. The Doctor laughs insanely at this gratuitous development and blows up numerous brown dwarves, white giants, and pocket universes before calling it an night. In all it proves to be a rather typical Saturday night. The next day Bi-Al gives K9 to the Doctor as a parting gift explaining that he's already bought a much more powerful computer called the Commodore 64. Meanwhile the clones are entirely forgotten inside of the Doctor's body where they idle away their days surfing his blood stream and occasionally playing punch bag with his tonsils. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And The Time Whores (Canada Only) Doctor Mysterio El Fantastico Voyuer Voyaguers! Just The Two Of Us, Me And I (or) I Was A Doctor Clone Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed arse over elbow for most of this story Fashion Victims - When possessed by Smarmy Git, Tom Baker is forced to wear an afro wig approximately five feet wide. Fashion Triumphs - Leela's leather becomes tighter and more sparse under the wicked influences of Smarmy Git Goofs - As pointed out in a letter to Penthouse, the clones of The Doctor and Leela should have been naked when they were created. This is of course entirely accurate and has 50% of my total support. Bi-Al's operating room is clearly a TV studio - the entire place is filled with boom mikes, BBC cameras, and technicians. If K9 is Bi-Al's 'best friend' why does he so heartlessly give him to the Doctor at the end of the story on the flimsy excuse that the cartridge of Space Invaders he just bought for the C64 will take up so much of his free time he simply won't have time for friends anymore? It is obvious that Bi-Al hated K9 all along and was simply waiting for the first seriously-infected-time-travelling renegade-who-was-desperately-for-company to pawn the robot dog upon. Technobabble - Bi-Al is said to be an expert in social transmitted pathological endomorphisms [STDs caused by a geological process of rock metamorphosis??! How does the complex changes of sedimentary layers lead to syphilis? I desperately need to know this before I spend another night with Granite Greta!] Links and References - The Doctor mentions that if only they could have stayed a bit longer at the Lighthouse he might have discovered the secrets to these adventures across the cosmos - but in a pinch he'll just assume the evil mass murdering menace which wants to rule the entire universe is the bad guy. Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor talks fondly of the time Bi-Al and he tried to clone Hitler and the surprisingly hilarity that ensued. "I never realised he was that short." Dialogue Disasters - The Doctor suggests that he star in a story where he helps Jodie Foster navigate a wormhole and is told by the director off camera that - "Contact has been made!" The needlessly horrid - "The Age of Man Is Over! The Age of Smarmy Gitness has begun!" Dialogue Triumphs - Doctor: 1976 AD! We're still in the time of your ancestors. Leela: Ancestors? Doctor: Yes. That was the year of the great Breakout. Leela: The great what? Doctor: The video game Breakout designed by Steve Jobs and his friend Steve Wozniak. This is the era when your forefathers went leapfrogging across the busy highway streets on their way to the other side of the screen. Frogger. Yes. Why, Atari is probably designing the game Asteroids right now! New frontiersmen...pioneers... waiting to spread across the internet like a tidal wave... or a disease. Leela: Why "disease"? I thought you liked humanity. Doctor: Oh I do, I do. Some of my best friends are humans. When you get down to it however I also like the French. So my opinion in this matter is entirely irrelevant. Smarmy: It is the right of every creature across the universe to multiply and perpetuate its species through utter rompiness. How else does the predator exist? We are all predators, Doctor. We kill... we devour... to live. Survival is all... You agree? Doctor: Oh yes, I do, I do. And on your argument, I have a perfect right to dispose of you. Smarmy: No you don't! Doctor: Yes I do! You said it yourself! Smarmy: I never! Doctor: Yes you did. If it's inherently all right to murder in the name if survival I can kill you with impunity. Smarmy: No you can't! Doctor: Can. Smarmy: Can't! Doctor: Why not? This isn't a real argument this is just contradiction! Smarmy: Well if I'm going to argue with you I have to take up a contrary position. Doctor: Yes but that's not the same as...wait a minute! This is shameless! We've just stolen this whole bit off Monty Python! Smarmy: It is the right of every television show across the universe to rip off Monty Python! Doctor: No it isn't! I mean, aren't we likely to get caught? Smarmy: Did you write the script Doctor? Doctor: Well, no. Smarmy: Neither did I! So it won't be our heads on the chopping block will it? Doctor: Excellent point! Well in that case, I'd like to register a complaint! Smarmy: Eh? Doctor: I wish to register a complaint about this parrot which I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. Smarmy: I never wanted to be an insane alien rampaging bastard you know, I WANTED TO BE.... and so on and SO ON throughout all of episode three Bi-Al: The radical Kilbracken holograph cloning technique replicates from a single cell. Efficiency of individualisation is not completely guaranteed. Leela: Which means? Bi-Al: There is no way his HMO is going to cover this. Dialogue Oddities - (ORIGINAL SCRIPT) The Doctor: K9 will prove an absolutely inexpendable asset in our travels! (ON SCREEN) Tom Baker: Why couldn't he have given us the Vic20, or the BBC Micro, or that lovely abacus? Viewers' Quotes - "I could use a dog with a stunning laser on it's nose. THAT would put the righteous fear of god in those little bastards who keep tipping over the cross in my front yard!" - Father James O' Maley (1977) "Some people have suggested that this serial was a thinly veiled rip off of the film 'Fantastic Voyage'. I believe this charge has been levelled because, well it is!" - Graham Cracker (1980) "Doctor Who lays claims to what is possibly the best science fiction story to feature both incredible space afros and mechanical dog computers. The cheap knock off blaxploitation film 'Invasion of the Afronauts' tries very hard to re-tread this territory with minimal results." - The Ultimate Movie Guide (1999) "This was a cheap visual effects show. If I want humorless science fiction which is overly dependent on incredibly over rated special effects I can watch the remastered Red Dwarf." - Charles Daniels (2000) Psychotic Nostalgia - "I wish I was small enough to get inside of people's bodies. I get the feeling that I'd get to meet a lot more people that way because they'd never see me coming! I've been wishing for so long that they'd all never see me coming. It's so hard to have hobbies like mine, people are more alert than you'd usually give them credit for." Tom Baker Speaks! "I recall this is the story where the Doctor, a children's hero, was pitted against a hefty bag. The story was at first called the Invisible Enemy but you can see him, so it's a silly title. I suggested we call it "Doctor Who Saves The Universe And Does A Jolly Good Show Of It Too!" however they pointed out that I continuously suggested that title for every serial. It shows how limited they were that they never used it. They should have used my keen insights a lot more often I think. The next title I recall them using was "The Not Very Dangerous Enemy" which, I must give them credit, is a much more accurate title for the piece. However as a children's hero, I, The Doctor, must face the most dangerous enemies. When you are a children's hero you can pick and choose enemies you see. It's one of the perks associated with being the most wonderful entity in the cosmos. So finally they changed their minds again and I allowed it to be called "The Indivisible Enemy" which was accurate for the first three parts at least...that is to say it works perfectly until he actually starts dividing. Other than that, it's flawless. I doubt anyone but myself even noticed actually. I always had an eye for those little character details." Rumors & Facts - After the promising start made in Lighthouse Cutaway, many viewers would no doubt have entertained hopes that the entire new run of Doctor Who would simply feature the Doctor and companion watching episodes of Quatermass. The audience at the time believed the quality of Doctor Who would dramatically increase if it just featured a lot less of this Doctor Who chap and his friends. Such hopes would have been soundly dashed by The Indivisible Enemy, which is but one of the stories to feature Tom Baker as the Doctor during the fourth Doctor's era. In fact every story featured Tom Baker as the 4th Doctor during the 4th Doctor era, which, regardless of how obvious that seems in retrospect was not entirely desired at the time. Doctor Who's fifteenth season began under a cloud, which again is somewhat obvious as it was filmed in England. For those who don't follow world geography, England is part of that island near Europe where it pisses down rain nearly every day of the year and whose citizens still believe that 'fine cuisine' should include items such the chip butty and smoked haddock whipped up into a mush with potatoes and cheese, then washed down with a refreshing glass of bovril. Graham Williams had just taken over as producer from Philip Pinchcliffe, and was immediately confronted with a number of problems. First he wasn't gay, which was somewhat of a disappointment to various members of the production staff. By pure coincidence the newly hired John Nathan-Turner was gay, and this proved somewhat of a disappointment the exact same members of the production staff. Also, Sir Edmund Chapman instructed Williams to tone down the science fiction content which had garnered such popularity throughout the Seventies -- and in particular during Pinchcliffe's time on the series. Sir Edmund Chapman instead used all of his energies to change Doctor Who into a documentary series about naval disasters. Chapman explained his reasoning that if only people became aware of the tragedies experienced at sea, they'd be a lot more keen to take precautions and build more lighthouses. Sir Thomas Fondlebottom wanted Williams to make Doctor Who a series which wasn't concerned with telling stories of any kind. Sir Thomas insisted that dramatic action was highly over rated and what British television needed was more exciting test card patterns. Williams thought long and hard about what he should do with his all consuming power over the future of Doctor Who. After weighing all the options, rather than taking sides, he decided he might as well do something which would piss EVERYONE off. Williams insisted the fifteenth season included a robot dog. To the horror of all, he wasn't joking. The robotic dog demand was put into immediate action and the prop was built in the traditional materials employed by the BBC (ie: Whatever they could find in LWT's rubbish tip). The machine was originally called Pluto but, due to fears of being sued, beaten, and brutally murdered by the Walt Disney Company, this was changed to K-9. Holmes was very fond of K-9 as it wasn't a demonic hound from hell as he had first feared in his oh-so-quaint Victorian way. Two men, Apple Scones and Pastry Hardening took a hand at conceptualising K-9. Scones envisaged him as a large creature into which an actor could fit and maybe even have room to enjoy long drags off of cigarettes. Williams, however, wanted something less fierce-looking that did not promote nicotine addiction. Consequently, it was decided to proceed with Hardening's small, simple, and incredibly cheap radio-controlled device. Unfortunately, the K-9 prop would quickly drive absolutely everyone on the show out of their tiny freaking minds. The prop proved to be a source of endless frustration and the original model did not survive three stories before having to be replaced due to being badly battered from being kicked, thrown, and beaten by everyone involved in any way with the making of the programme. The model was entirely destroyed when a frustrated caterer kicked clean through the chassis during a particularly nasty sequence. It was soon discovered that the remote control device interfered with the cameras and pacemakers of the actual cameramen, resulting in visual distortion and the cameraman himself going haywire. Partly because of this, recording quickly fell badly behind schedule. The other part was due to Tom Baker's inappropriate usage of a pastry, and the emergency surgery that was required after the fact. Because Williams was now under instructions not to spend any money whatsoever on Doctor Who, as had often happened under Philip Pinchcliffe, taking time to complete shots was a luxury which could no longer be afforded. As a result, Tom Baker was encouraged to ad-lib during production, which was actually much more dangerous and time consuming. Also Tom Baker quickly grew frustrated with K-9, often resorting to increased bouts of kicking, beating, and smashing the prop. Baker disliked the fact that the robot dog's short height meant that he often had to stoop down so that they could both be in the same shot. "Children's heroes DON'T STOOP!" He proclaimed, sadly whilst stooping. Fortunately, Baker's agitation with K-9 was somewhat mitigated by his fast friendship with John Leeson, he immediately took to Lesson when he offered to buy rounds of drinks for Tom during the recording sessions. Leeson was hired to voice K9 because he had done considerable work in sitcoms and children's programmes, such as Wacky Saddam's Army and Rainbowtron Colour Factory, and worked as a continuity announcer for adult videos. Leeson, holding true to the lessons he learned working in the adult entertainment industry, thrust himself eagerly into the role, physically getting down on all fours during rehearsals. The story also saw the introduction of the second new TARDIS console room in two seasons. The wooden set designed the previous year had been warped by on going and repeated vomit attacks by the drunken cast and crew. Since this more gloomy set was just as vulnerable, but the wood was much more prone to absorb liquids, they decided to go back to the high tech TARDIS look after all. One June 10th it was finally decided that K-9 would be a continuing character on the series. This was in part to offset the significant costs of the replacing the expensive prop so frequently during Indivisible Enemy, since its use in multiple serials better justified the obscene expenditure. However, all the K-9 props were still in various stages of damage due to severe beatings, and due to the entire staff of the BBC threathening more physical harm, K-9 would play only a small role in the next few following stories.