Ninety-First Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Nostrilomo Serial 4Q - The Nose Of Evil - The TARDIS arrives on a planet no one has bothered to name, so the Doctor decides to honour it with the specification "Hellhole". Hellhole is the home of a tribe of leather clad savages, The Sexyteem. The Sexyteem worship a strange god named Xerox. Xerox speaks to them through their shaman, Bill Proud Wearer of The Mighty Glove Hat, or Glovehat for short. Glovehat has long dreamed of finding a way through a deadly barrier into the forbidden zone, which is controlled by the Tetch. Luckily, the Doctor carries a generic "Forbidden Zone Pass" which eeriely tends to work in these situations even though he bought it in the same novelty shoppe where he acquired a whimsical Area 51 Top Secret Clearance Pass. The Doctor discovers that his face is also the face of the Evil One - called that affectionately by passerbys who pelt him with huge stones and make him face some rather silly leech creatures in a pit of doom and despair. The Doctor is somewhat disappointed in savages who actually keep pits of certain death and doom around as they tend not to work and betray the savages rather limited intelligence. In fact all the Doctor has to do to defeat "The Test of the Horda" is not to jump into the pit and try to mind meld with the hostile creatures. Instead the Doctor merely waits for the savages to become bored with the inept torture and let him free. The Doctor searches deep inside the forbidden zone and finds a massive carving of his face on a cliff. At first the Doctor is horrified by the huge nose on the carving but he is appalled to even greater depths when he discovers the scale to his own face is entirely accurate in every possible detail. The Doctor speculates that someone, perhaps himself, had made some ill-fated attempt to turn him into a theme park, and that the cliff face might represent the remains of some incredibly bitchin' and scary mountain rollercoaster ride. Inevitably the Doctor decides he should investigate it with the one villager naive enough to believe he is good and of no danger to anyone, Leela. Leela has been cast from the tribe for questioning the fashion sense of Xerox and indeed any god that would make his high priest wear silly glovehats. Together they climb into the carving's gigantic stone nose and deep into the Doctor's sinus cavity. Inside the depths of the mountain they find Xerox, a super-computer, which arrived on the planet when a space craft full of leather clad bondage freaks crashed on Hellhole ages ago. Some of the ship's crew were suppose to scout out the planet for exciting out door settings, but then the Doctor arrived on an earlier visit to chat them all up for kinky fun. When they all flatly turned him down and humilated him he decided to get his revenge by remaining with them for the rest of the trip - but in personality, not in person. The Doctor hooked his mind up to their total mind control computer, Xerox, and copied his own mental print into every segment of the device. This unfortunately made the computer as totally insane as the Doctor himself! The computer, entirely unable to do anything physical with the crew, freaked out in a really bad "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream" Harlan Ellison kinda' way. Xerox then arranged for the crew to be split up: the assholes and total jerks, the tetchy members of the crew, became the Tetch, and Sexy Team Sixty-Nine became The Sexyteem. Xerox began an experiment raising the Tetch as super opinionated telepaths who carried around their brains in glass jars, while allowing the Sexyteem to wear silly hats with gloves on them and having a mighty good laugh at them for it. The Doctor has a nice chat with himself and decides that he's a pretty alright guy. He insists that Xerox have lots of fun manipulating these people and offers a few suggestions. After a casual dinner and lengthy discussion about the merits of bean bag chairs and scatter cushions the Doctor decides to leave this copy of himself behind to run amok all it likes. Leela, deciding that she doesn't want to live in a Hellhole, pushes her way into the TARDIS. The Doctor is somewhat upset to have a new companion to look after, but is grateful at least this one kills first and asks questions later. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Savage Lust Orgy Party (Canada Only) Doctor Mysterio Leatherro Domino Spectularrrrr "Infest Me Sexual Mind Worms!! INFEST ME!!!!! One Man's Love Of Hormonal Parasites, (Chapter 1 All Those Women on Doctor Who)." Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed godlike for most of this story Fashion Victims - Wearing cricket gloves on your head brings you closer to god? Goofs - Leela can't pronounce "testicular electrodes" ('elect-trudes') on film but she CAN when she's shot on video! Leela shoots a Tetchy Guard with his own gun, yet in the next scene she picks it up next to his dead body and doesn't know how it works - resulting in a hilarious scene in which the Doctor absently mindedly explains how it works by example - [Pointing the in no direction in particular] "See you pick it up and pull the trigger one," [A guard turns around the corner just in time to get zapped! He immediately falls to his knees. The Doctor continues his lecture obliviously] "two," [Another laser zap and a loud "UGGGGGHHHHHH!" from the guard] "three times." [A loud zap! The guard slumps down] "Like so!" [The Doctor hands back the gun and looks confused at a dead guard at his feet] "What happened to that fellow?" Technobabble - The TARDIS displays nextialserialis discontinuity Xerox is "multi-media-manic" Links and References - The Doctor is trying to reach Hyde Park, again mistaking it for "a good Hyding Place". Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor's first encounter with the Sexy Team and the strange computer!! Why is this missing?!?!?!?!?! Think of it, a race of leather bound perverts and they are in space trying to find exotic worlds to have kinky wild...umm...damn! Dialogue Disasters - Leela: Why do you think it is evil? Doctor: I have a nose for these things. Dialogue Triumphs - Leela: The Evil One! Doctor: Oh, have we met before? Doctor: Would you like a jelly baby? Leela: It's true then! They say the evil one eats babies. Doctor: Not the cute ones! Doctor: Now drop your pants and I'll thrill you with my deadly jelly baby! Leela; What a pathetic chat up line! Doctor: Worked for Felicity Kendall. Doctor: You know the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Leela: What's that? Doctor: They're BBC executives. Doctor: As Rassilon said, "Don't alter your clothes to fit the weather! Alter the weather to fit your clothes!" Leela: Can you do that? Doctor: Yes, I COULD. In actuality though I'm far too lazy too. I mean it's so much easier to put on a warm jacket. Doctor: You can't expect perfection from me! Well you could, but you'd be miserably disappointed in the end! Doctor: An omniscient computer with schizophrenia...YES! IT IS ME! Dialogue Oddities - (ORIGINAL SCRIPT) The Doctor: Evil. Pure evil. It must be stopped. Xerox must die. (ON SCREEN) Tom Baker: I say, he seems like a charming chap to me. Let's leave him to it then! Viewers' Quotes - "Doctor Who may not be the most original show on television. They rip off people and plagarise so much material it's rather disgusting. Still as long as they steal from the most depraved and disturbing sources Doctor Who will have my full support!" - Monkey Molesting Monthly (1978) "Leather, depravity, men climbing into their own noses for christsakes! This reeks of the devil's hand! I say, this is the best damn show on the television!" - Father James O' Maley (1977) "The first thing I noticed about Leela was her lack of clothing, which I later discovered was noticed by millions of others as well. She must have been very cold for a savage. You think savages would dress all warm and snuggly in cheetah fur bras and tight leather trousers. You know, something sensible." - Kinky Fashion InZine (1979) "You wouldn't catch a Quirk in such sparse clothing! There was an alien menace with some moral fortitude!" - Creator of the Quirks (1980) "Again a story to show us what Doctor Who is all about - bondage... to the machine, or whatever." - Charles Daniels (2000) Psychotic Nostalgia - "Finally! A girl I could hunt and gut deer with! My dream girl!" Tom Baker Speaks! "Louise Jameson! That was a very interesting time. She kept falling out of her clothes in a way that would seem very natural in the adult entertainment industry but which I felt at the time to be strange for Doctor Who. At first I thought to myself 'Doctor,' I thought 'Doctor,' I repeated to myself 'You are a child's hero! Should you really be seen travelling the cosmos with a half naked savage woman?'. I thought about what all the children would think of their hero with this half naked lady, and then I thought back and remembered that I was a teenagers, adolescent, hero as well. I was a hero for all ages. A hero for all seasons. And so, when I saved the universe, I was a hero to the children. And when I had Leela in the TARDIS, dressed in mere scraps and hints of leather, then I was a hero to all the men sixteen to forty-five!" Rumors & Facts - This story was at one point to have been called The Day God Got Pissy, which is not a bad title except that the production team worried about the implication that Tom Baker would be god in that line of reasoning. No one wished to further Tom Baker's already sizeable ego, so the story was abruptly changed into a poke at Tom's nose. This was to offer some humility in the role, as many BBC employees were somewhat tired of Mr. Baker's regular routine of walking into the cafeteria dressed as Rasputin and demanding that he could heal the sick, the wicked, and the infirm, so the least they could do was give him a damn free lunch. This story offered plenty of disturbing images in the boost of Tom Baker's self-esteem - particularly at the end of Part Three in what must rate as one of the strangest and most unsettling of the series' cliffhangers. The only face ever associated with Xerox is the Doctor's own face, and the sequence in which the Sexyteem battle huge roaring images of it and are forced to watch what it likes to do with over ripe melons is quite disturbing. What I have always found personally disturbing is the stupidity of the concept in one respect - everyone believes that Xerox is god, the creator of all. They also believe that he is trapped behind a wall and they need to rescue him. Now having all powerful deities trapped inside of something and needing to be rescued doesn't make sense - that's not good writing, that's Star Trek V. By far the most memorable of the Sexyteem is, naturally enough, Leela, a primitive but scantily clad young woman who, for no apparent reason, decides to go off with the Doctor at the story's conclusion. It is events like this one in Doctor Who that make me wonder why these things never happen to me! Leather clad women with big knives never decide to randomly jump into the passenger's side of my car. The convenient coincidence of someone wanting to join the Doctor on his travels just after his last companion has parted from him really pisses me off as well. Why is it that whenever he gets dumped or he dumps someone. he's got another one lined up? Do you know how long *I* have to wait between relationships? I guess it's the time machine. Maybe the TARDIS just pilots him towards other people on the rebound. This is a unique and very important unexplored facet of TARDIS technology if you ask me. How does it know when and where free willing available women will be so willing to leap into it? Okay, I'll stop my ranting temporarily and give you all some background information. In early 1975, a drunken scriptwriter named Chris Butcher - whose credits to date had mostly been in comedy or at least comically awful drama - submitted a proposal entitled The Silent Shag to the Doctor Who production office. Although this was rejected as total and utter crap, it did result in a meeting between Butcher, producer Philip Pinchcliffe, and script editor Sherlock Holmes who desperately wanted to meet the writer of the appalling treatment and have a bit of a laugh at him. Holmes suggested Butcher try his hand at developing a story which wasn't total and utter tripe. Butcher made two different attempts at this, The Dreamers Of Falcon Dos and The Meat Conspiracy, but neither met with approval (the latter was burnt in disgust at a board meeting on October 30th, 1975). At this point, Pinchcliffe suggested that Butcher change his setting from his apartment in Surrey (as was the case for both of his original efforts) to any other goddamn location in the world. He also came up with the central motif of an enormous carving of the Doctor's face. With this in mind, Butcher wrote a new synopsis called The Tower Next To My Apartment In Surrey, which was sent back with death threats and for further development around January 1976. By April, the serial's title had been changed to The Day God Got Pissy. Holmes had asked Butcher to identify a character with a personality in his script and when he totally failed to be able to do so it was re-written entirely again. While this was going on Sarah Jane Smith was leaving Doctor Who and all the scripts up to that point had included her. Really at this point I wonder why the hell they didn't drop this entire line of thought with Butcher as it had resulted in utter crap up to this point. Instead of dropping it, they decided to let Butcher create a new companion for the Doctor! Showing that the BBC is truly deranged and sadistic. "Well Sherlock, sure he's sent the same script idea in seventeen times, and it's been hideous every single time. However at least it's no longer all set in his flat! Did you read the latest copy? We get to go all the way to the tobacconist and that's a good five blocks away." "Even though he's obviously improved. Should we really let him write and design the new companion?" "Well we have to let him. Otherwise we'll have to do it." "Good point. Buy you a round at the pub?" Butcher first thought a companion named Cat Molester Jones was appropriate. Later, though, it was decided that beyond being Welsh and having a strange propensity for molesting cats, the character didn't have the depth one expected of a companion. When Terry Jones heard the character would not be cast as a regular companion he was apparently heart broken. Butcher, Holmes, and Pinchcliffe decided a female character would be better and sexier in savage clothing. They looked through countless copies of different versions of the scripts and discovered the warrior Leela - who had been a part of Butcher's The Cat Molesting Conspiracy submission. They augmented her role to companion status instead of the character originally to be played by Terry Jones. Leela was envisaged by Butcher as a mix of Emma Peel from The Avengers and the Palestinian terrorist Leila Khaled, who also inspired her name. Pinchcliffe quickly grew to like the character, and so Butcher was asked to write two different endings, one where Leela is briefly nude in the TARDIS with the Doctor and one where she stays nude for an incredibly gratuitous amount of time. Shortly thereafter, the decision was made by Pinchcliffe that he would retain both versions at his home for further review. Due to Pinchcliffe's wild enthusiasm for both of Butcher's nudity scripts, Butcher was given the opportunity to write the next Doctor Who story as well. Because she would be around for more than just a single serial, Holmes cast about for ways to make Leela a more substantial character. He suggested she possess some sort of supernatural powers or have some mystic connection with the universe that caused her to not be very keen on clothing. Butcher preferred that she have a sort of sixth sense for danger which made her want to be quick, deadly, and unencumbered by restricting garments. No location filming could be afforded for The Nose Of Evil; ironically all film work was done in Butcher's apartment after all.