Eighty-Eighth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Swords Serial 4M - The Masque Of Zorro - The Doctor has taken up residence in an old part of the TARDIS that still runs on Falcon DOS. The impressive gyrating of the central column has been replaced with a shaving mirror, that the Doctor uses for shaving. Immediately the TARDIS is drawn off course by the Zorro Helix, a powerful 'Z' shaped alien energy complex, capable of doing really neat stuff. Unknown to the Doctor a part of the Zorro Helix conceals itself inside of his trousers, which subsequently transport themselves to the earth. The Doctor is shocked at this amazing turn of events and pilots the TARDIS across time and space to seek out his missing garments. Sarah and the Doctor find themselves in the Dukedom of San Francisco in Italy in the 15th century. The evil San Diego is planning to usurp the rule of his nephew, Fresno. He is aided by tha godfather, an incredibly powerful and fat merchant with ties to the underworld. The Godfather introduces him to Anonymous, the Court Astrologer and secret leader of the Brothers of Vinny, a cult of pop star worshippers. Anonymous leads the cult behind a mask thus staying..anonymous. Zorro takes over Anonymous after a thrilling sword duel, seeking to form his own fan club so that glitz and glamour will win out over brains and the change of the Renaissance. The Zorro Helix is well on the way to plunging the earth back into the Dark Ages, which is kind of easy because that was just 3 years ago. San Diego is murdered anonymously by Anonymous now transformed into a generic energy being. The Doctor defeats the Helix by getting it's fans obsessively interested in Pokemon, an addictive collectible substance from earth's 21st century. In a stunningly distasteful ending, the Doctor abuses himself with a giant salami. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Loves Salami, A Little Too Much Doctor Mysterio Salami Whammi Vomiterro! In infamous Jerry Springer episode - "My Time Lord Boyfriend Stole My Pet Monkey And They Had Sex With My Transsexual Sister" Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed meaty for most of this story When the Doctor mentions that 50 years later he could have used Galileo's telescope 50 years later, he actually means after Galileo was long dead, because Galileo beat the Doctor senseless with his telescope after he caught the Doctor in his kitchen with his vast stores of salami. Fashion Victims - Anonymous' silver perm and silly squirrel shaped beard Goofs - The Doctor only knows that Sarah is under Anonymous' control when she starts asking questions that would imply she has an intelligence higher than a seedless grape. Anonymous tells the Doctor that he's been told another follower of Zorro will join him, but they never show up. Was Anonymous talking out of his ass or did he just get stood up? Why does the ball of Zorro Helix energy kill people randomly? Is this some demonic version of the lotto? Is it night or day? Do night and day only last 10 minutes in 15th century Italy? No one notices that both the Doctor and Sarah are dressed in causal 70s clothes. Are platforms shoes and flares that common in Italian fashion? You can't possibly arrange a masque that fast! I should know! The last time I tried to arrange a masque in 15th century Italy it ended in disaster. You just can't trust glowing energy beings! I gave it the benefit of the doubt, it said it only wanted to sample the Hors d'oeuvres, THEN it consumed my guests in a ball of plasma! What the hell was that about? Technobabble - "Zorro Helix energy can disperse at random variables in the kilohertz range, which would lead me to conclude that it is fundamentally capable of doing..really neat things." Links and References - Sarah Jane mentions that before her mysterious cutesy regeneration (Gobot) that she used to be capable of asking complex questions all the time as a reporter. Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor learnt fencing from Leroy, an experienced fence in 1980s Brooklyn. Sometime after this story he meets Leonardo Da Vinci and does unsightly things to meat and vegetable products in his broom closet. Dialogue Disasters - In broad Italian Cockney: I ain't goin' in there, No Way, San Jose! San Rosa: They say there are places where the bat crap is are as high as a man! Sounds like a holiday! Count Vallejo: One, two, five! Doctor: You can't count, Count. Dialogue Triumphs - Seeing The Doctor after his pants have vanished - Sarah: Just how big is it?!! Doctor: How big's big? Relative dimensions, you see. No constants. Sarah: Well why is it in that state? Doctor: The astro-sextant erectifier's gone out of phase. Doctor: Humans have got such limited little minds. I don't know why I like you so much. Sarah: Because we've got the good taste to give you a shag. Doctor: That's true, that's true. Sarah: The worse the situation, the worse your jokes get. Doctor: What do you do when you see a penguin in distress? Offer it some kelp! Sarah: Oh fuck, we're going to die. Anonymous: Had it not been you, there would have been other travellers who had their pants stolen by the almighty Zorro Helix. Doctor: Almighty? It just nicked my pants! Anonymous: Your pants had to be possessed and checked. Man's curiosity might lead him away from this planet until ultimately, the galaxy itself might not contain him. We of the Zorro will not allow a rival power in our domain. Doctor: This is FASCINATING I assure you! But what has any of this got to do with my pants? Anonymous: The great one desires pants. Doctor: Why? Anonymous: Because he gets cold going around without pants! Doctor: That's all very fine and well, but what about me!? Anonymous: If you are cold, I shall warm you. Doctor: Umm, right..I'll just buy some new pants, nevermind! My fault! Hope the great one finds them comfy! (The Doctor backs away in terror) Anonymous: A new broom sweeps clean. Do you know who said that? Doctor: Umm, Anonymous? Anonymous: Exactly! The final scene - Doctor: A Time Lord has to do what a Time Lord has to do. Sarah: But it's a big stick of salami! Dialogue Oddities - (ORIGINAL SCRIPT) The Doctor: The one they call Anonymous, we must learn his true nature! (ON SCREEN) Tom Baker: Anonymous, I sense he seeks a certain, anonymity. Viewers' Quotes - "It is a little hard to define the exact nature of The Masque of Zorro. Do its roots lie with the supernatural, with historical drama, or with kinky deli sex? At the beginning it was pure Hamlet, then it was more like if Hamlet decided to defile himself while singing the praises of peppered meats." - Jeremy Louis (1978) "Doctor Who Is A Winner, Most people diet to be thinner, He has hedonistic dinner, A super salami sinner!" - Ozzy Osbourne, Salamicide Solution (1981) "My seven-year-old wouldn't miss it for anything; he explains the plot to me." - Tony Blair "You know, I like salami, but not THAT much!" - Charles Daniels (2000) Psychotic Nostalgia - "The powers of The Zorro Helix are real! There is something in Astrology! The Doctor once again has stumbled into my cosmos. I hope that means he's going to pick me up something for Christmas. I want something shiny this year." Tom Baker Speaks! "I believe there were plans to film this in Renaissance Italy. They musn't have been terribly successful because we filmed it all in someone's kitchen I believe. This was a good decision because they had a large store of spirits which were excellent to have access to. These were the heady days of being a children's hero. These days children just kick me firmly as I walk down the street, yet there are the glowing eyes now, those women who are turning just about 35 about now, and I was their hero. That is beautiful. When I see a woman give me that look of glowing wonder and fascination, it's the most wonderful experience, because, I know I'm in there!" Rumors & Facts - With this story producer Philip Pinchcliffe decided it was time for Doctor Who to return to a historical setting. Reasoning that he must be notoriously known and hunted by the law enforcement agencies of the future, the past must be the only safe place to lay low for awhile. Pinchcliffe wanted to duplicate the success of the 1920s-set Pyramids Of Cards from Season Thirteen, and despite the protests of script editor Sherlock Holmes -- who found such stories as fun as paper cuts -- he decided to go ahead and make this bizarre salami sex flick. Holmes contacted Karl Marx -- who had written Planet Of Weevil the previous year -- knowing that Marx was a renegade from history. By the end of 1975, Marx had begun work on Capitalism Of Death, which had to re-titled several times. The scripts by Karl Marx are very well written and highly intelligent, using the Zorro Helix energy to symbolise the forces of capitalism that would ultimately be overthrown by those of communism and organized labour - 'the dawn of a new classless society', to use the Doctor's description - at the time of the Righteous People's Rebellion, which for some reason happens in Renaissance Italy! This story was bashed by hardcore science fiction fans as being too close in theme to Marx's previous blockbuster fantasy novel "Manifesto Of The Communist Party". There were plans to film this story in 15th century Italy, these plans were abruptly cancelled when the BBC ran an internal investigation and noticed that Doctor Who no longer had access to their time machines due to their incredibly obscene abuses of the technology in the 60s. The reason the plans had been made anyway was a cheap attempt to con the BBC out of massive amounts of money. The production crew hoped to get the extravagant amounts of copper, silver, and gold required for such a trip, then to pop away to modern Italy and keep the difference. When this plan fell through the viewers were treated to some superb location work done in and around Ian Levine's kitchen. The story required an area equivalent to a standard air craft hanger, and Ian Levine's kitchen was easily three or four times larger in area. Newlyburied designed a new TARDIS interior for the story. Pinchcliffe had decided the old one was too big and caked in vomit to record in, and the central column and main doors in particular suffered constant explosions. Newlyburied created a smaller, cheaper, less well lit, more practical console room, eschewing the stark whiteness of the original design in favor of a tacky 70s-inspired plastic wood panelled look complete with optional shaving mirror. The overall look of the set was much, with the roundels, scanner, coat hanger, wardrobe, sliding disposable bed, and console all retained. However, the double doors were replaced by a dark gaping hole and the central column was done away with altogether which pissed off fans of uppy-downy things. The Society for Uppy-Downy Things registered no less than 2,000 complaints per week. These complaints were never taken seriously as there were only two official members of the Society for Uppy-Downy Things whom each called the BBC a thousand times a week using a variety of silly voices and bad German accents. Before airing rewriting constantly continued on Marx's script, including the insertion of the reference to the Doctor explaining that Sarah Jane's understanding of foreign and alien languages is a Time Lord gift he allows the people he has rompy sex with to share due to his firm belief in the inevitable victory of the proletariat.