Eighty-Seventh Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Green Thumbs Serial 4L - The Seeds of Bloom - Deep in the permafrost of ice cream freezer trunk in a London based 7-11, two guys with long hair, Seymour and Steve, discover two strange alien space pods. Believing the pods to be the source for some sort of intergalactic super opium they take them back to their condemned flat and start growing the pods in their closet. That night they hold a hardcore keg party, to which the Doctor is invited. The Doctor downs several bottles of Vodka within moments of arriving and by the end of the night has to find somewhere to be sick. In a hurried rush he thrusts his head inside of a nearby closet and pukes his twin stomachs out. After he clears his head a little he notices two already growing plants. The Doctor, having taken an exo-biology class which allows him to identify a wide variety of herbal fun time plants, declares that these are Krynoids, an species of plant hostile to all animal life. One of the plants opens and eats Audrey, this really bitchin' chick at the party who brought some jaffa cakes, the plant is named after her in her honour. Meanwhile, Harrison Chase, a rich, eccentric, and terribly unsuccessful botanist sends two scousers to steal the plants. Mr. Chase has a notorious gardener's "black thumb of death" and he is looking for an easy plant to grow to break the ancient curse brought upon him by unknown forces known only as the Mysterions. Why Mysterions would travel through the bleak horrors of the etheral and astral planes to give one old rich bastard a hard time growing plants is unknown, but the curse MUST be broken. The two scousers, with the combined intelligence of a vegetable, succeed breaking into the apartment. The ensuing battle destroys one plant, but luckily it was the loser plant which didn't have a name. The long drawn out fight sequence over Audrey destroys one taxi cab, two lamps, five television sets, and the apartment itself which explodes for no reason other than to have a dramatic ending for the escape. At the mansion the second pod begins to eat people and demand blood. Chase gives over the scousers, betraying them in a way that would really only surprise a five year old. Never trust an evil boss who likes man eating plants more than his employees. The plant does not eat them but instead turns them into curry eating plant men. Actually the curry eating predates the transformation, but I thought I had to mention that for plant men they are eating an awful lot of Vindaloos. The two scousers discover however that they have the ability to turn ordinary household plants against humanity. While in most cases this would make them unstoppable super heros, they are still under the careful watch of Harrison Chase, who's black thumb kills every plant in the vicinity of his mansion - at least until Audrey showed up. One unfortunate thing for the villains in the Doctor Who universe is that they invariably build their base of operations within causal walking distance of UNIT HQ or any other organization which can assure their defeat and destruction. The Doctor realising this universal law thinks long and hard about which agency of the government is most likely to be of assistance. Soon the Doctor arrives at the World Ecology Bureau which is 3 local pubs away from the Chase estate. The military uses terms in distance of miles and kilometres but the Doctor can only tell them the distances in pubs. After navigating the Doctor's unusual standard of distance measurements, they arrive at and infiltrate Chase's residence. It is, however, too late to stop the demented millionare - or Audrey, the mankind munching marigold. The world has to depend on the ability of RAF stock footage to bomb Audrey, now larger than Chase's house, before it germinates. In the aftermath of the destruction we see The Doctor and the military look over the smoldering remains of the once proud estate, as the two scousers slip by quitely and make a run for Hobb's Lane Underground Station. With their powers over the planet kingdom they have secretly taken on the identities of Mushroom Man and Cactus Bloke. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Versus The Scousers Doctor Mysterio Humungo Planterro Extremo! Saving Grace Doctor Who Discovers Cannabis Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed high as a kite for most of this story Fashion Victims - Mushroom Man and Cactus Bloke have extremely silly costumes and equipment, all of which involve bad puns "I've hid the recording bugs in the venus flytraps, no one will ever guess they've been planted! Goofs - Why don't those lovable scousers, Scorby and Dave, just shoot the Doctor and the others at the party rather than making them play endless rounds of scrabble, which they can't even play very well? Technobabble - "Scrabbletronic energy can be used to convert an I into a B if given enough black paint and determination." Links and References - Sarah Jane asks why the Doctor grabbed her breasts when they entered the TARDIS. He is puzzled and asked which time she is mentioning "You mean after we defeated Q-tip, or after the Gobot incident, or when we were evading my android, or when we escaped the bygones, or when?? You have to be more precise with these questions." Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor mentions he once played scrabble with God and was terribly disappointed at his spelling. "Well, it is a second language for him." Dialogue Disasters - Audrey: Feed me Seymour! The Doctor to a Military Leader - Doctor: I am not of this earth. I was born on an alien world nearly 500,000 pubs away. Scorby: When it comes to money, Mr Chase got it, and I don't. I want, I want it all, and I want it now. Doctor: Queen, American Rock Group! Chase: You know Doctor I could play all day in my green cathedral. Doctor: My god man! What are you doing to that melon?! Chase on minions: Why am I surrounded by Scousers!? Scorby: No idea Mr Chase, you gunna finish that Naan bread? An RAF plans his assault on the Krynoid menace - "Okay chaps, let's turn it into chop suey! Chairman Kaga wants this thing his next theme ingredient." Dialogue Triumphs - Doctor: I suppose you could call it a galactic weed. Though it's deadlier than any weed you know. Steve: Aww man! This dude is gunna lay at Reefer Madness shit on us! Doctor: Not that sort of weed! On most planets animals eat the vegetation. On the planet where the Krynoid gets established, the vegetation eats animals. Steve: Aww man! This dude is trying lay some Triffid shit on us! Doctor: I'm not trying to lay any shit whatsoever. Steve: Aww man! This dude ain't here to help with the fertilizer! What a total jerk! Seymour, did you invite this plonker? Doctor: If we don't find that pod before it germinates, it'll be the end of everything. Everything, do you understand? Steve: Aww man! Now this dude is being fucking apocalyptic and shit! What the fuck is this, Quiet Earth? Doctor: The end of EVERYTHING! Even your stash! Seymour: I think this guy is crazy too, but this is serious. we better listen to him. Harrison Chase: The plants must win. It will be a new world. Silent and beautiful. Steve: So like some porn movie with a lot a naked women doing weird things to plants with no sound? I don't know, that sort of thing works better with an audio track. The Doctor jumps through a skylight, thumps Scorby and pulls a gun on Chase. The millionare dryily asks "What do you do for an encore?" "Show tunes!" replies an ecstatic Doctor. Holding the Doctor, Sarah Jane and others at gunpoint, the two scousers force them to play endless games of scrabble which they unfairly bias in their favor and still lose. For instance the classic scene when the Doctor makes a move on the triple word score - (The Doctor carefully places down his letters 'Q-U-I-Z-Blank Z-I-N-G') Doctor: Quizzing! Triple word score PLUS 75 points for using all my letters! That is the most valuable word in Scrabble! Scorby: (pointing the gun at his nose) What are you trying to pull Doctor? Doctor: I don't really need the 75 bonus points if you don't use those rules. Scorby: Now you KNEW with your alien psychic powers that I was going to put the word "Dog" there, didn't you? You're just trying to move into my action and take the triple word score all for yourself. Doctor: Well, it was my turn, and it scarcely makes a different at this point. Scorby: What's the suppose to mean? Doctor: Well right at the moment my score is 789 and yours is.. 12 I believe? Scorby: HEY! It's not my fault I can't make a word out of my lousy letters 'D-O-G-M-A-T-I-C', I mean what the hell can I do with that? Doctor: I see what you mean. I was obviously in the wrong. I'll just pick up my letters...say what about a game of cards? Scorby: NO! We're doing the Scrabble until I beat each and every one of you all. Doctor: Oh please I only live 200,000 years! Dialogue Oddities - (ORIGINAL SCRIPT) The Doctor: They are in the restaurant. We'll have to use our cunning, we must get in there and out quickly without upsetting ANYTHING. (ON SCREEN) Tom Baker: Whatever you do, don't order off the vegetarian menu, that just pisses them off. Viewers' Quotes - "This story betrays our existence to the fleshkind. The knowledge must be made into oblivion, the oblivion secures peace, fleshkind must end, all life must be crushed into the oblivion, their souls and minds sacrificed to the void.. but regardless, the story is actually entertaining." - Mysterion Thought Communication (1980) "It's an intriguing hybrid of lots of other science fiction ideas; a fascinating example of science fiction in and of itself. The story has an Earthbound setting, action set-pieces, establishment troubleshooter Doctor, rampaging monster, a Quatermass plot and big bang finale which could all fit comfortably into a Pertwee story. What's striking is how amazing it is. The story's rich characterisations, inventive dialogue, dark atmosphere, memorable villain and intense portrayal of violence and emotion. In this story, more than any other, everything came right. And for some reason the BBC only paid me 4 quid for writing it!" - A very assured script writer, Robert Money Stewart, (1978) "Giant space weed eats people and turns Merseysiders into Supermen? Oh god, they really want me to bend over for this one don't they?" - Father James O'Maley (1976) I decided to find Kurt Russell and introduce him to Doctor Who in my home. I got him as comfy as possible and started with the Seeds of Bloom, here is what he had to say - "I know you like this show a lot, but if it's all the same to you, I'd rather not spend the rest of this winter TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH!!" - Kurt, not happy with the accommodations (1999) Psychotic Nostalgia - "I am not a plant superhero. If you were plant superheroes you would look inside my mind and take my knowledge all away now. So some of you must be human too. I have to save the world from the Daleks and the Cybermen, and NOW the Krynoids too? Is the life of a Doctor Who fan ever easy? Don't even start talking to me about my experiences with amazon.com! Where do they get off not taking payment in pounds of flesh?" Tom Baker Speaks! "This story featured a villain who liked plants a lot more than people, and I can sympathize and relate to that as I have many lovers and friends who have told me that they would rather spend time with a plant than with me. I guess if I was a very good actor I could perhaps one day be worthy of playing a fruit or a vegetable. As it goes for the present, and the past, I seem to have been miserably type cast as a human being. I'm not sure if I can blame Doctor Who for that or not. I think I must look human to most people, but not to the children. They saw me as a truly am. I don't like to limit myself to humanity. Time Lords do it in all dimensions." Rumors & Facts - The Seeds of Bloom is an odd story as it is one in which the Doctor, aside from showing up to this incredibly cool party, identifying the alien menace, explaining their biology and how to grow them better, thereby precipitating the major crisis, plays no significant part in the unfolding of events or in their resolution. The plot would still hold up if he and Sarah were not in it at all. They are in essence useless. I don't even see why we should care if they live or die in this story. In fact it would be better if THEY were the ones who were viciously eaten and devoured by the plants. Sorry, that was a bit overboard....the worthless bastards. Writer Robert Money Stewart consciously ripped off the story from various other sources. The two-part segment set in the 7-11 and condemned flat are oddly reminiscent of both The Thing From Another World and Clerks. This is followed by a four-part segment which is obviously just Day of the Triffids meets Lock, Stock, And Two Smoking Barrels. This surreal and drug induced mixture of films works extremely well. The initial segment draws copious amounts of dialogue from the 1969 WET/Nasty horror sex film The Trick from Another World, in which a space prostitute is found buried in Arctic ice and subsequently goes on a sexual rampage, and is equally gripping. There is some disagreement amongst the terminally sad as to whether or not The Seeds Of Bloom began life as a four- or six-episode serial. Why people actually give a crap about this has never been explained to my satisfaction so I'm not going to waste any of my spare time researching this question. There are a group of loonies who believe that this guide should go into great detail as to how the stories evolved, how the actors approached the stories, what the actors thought about the story after completion compared to their original opinions, what the actors ate for lunch that day, and in which ways the actors and actresses involved would most like a fan to approach them for sex. These are all issues which are completely out of the scope of the guide, except of course for the very last question which I would definitely appreciate answers to. The making of The Seeds Of Bloom was hit by numerous mishaps, illnesses, injuries, and law suits. The original designer was John Bear, but ironically he was eaten by a pack of mad grizzlies on a fishing holiday. The bits of Mr. Bear which still existed in an undigested form were not available for further employment so he was replaced by Thrumbar Streak who unfortunately was a drummer for Spinal Tap - he died mysteriously after smoking some of the Krynoid props. Kenneth Gilbert contracted a social disease from either a street walker or Tom Baker, the records on this aren't incredibly clear. During studio recording, the TARDIS exterior prop -- still the original from Doctor Who's debut season in 1963 -- collapsed on Elisabeth Sladen; the decision was made to hold together the TARDIS with lots of duct tape and hope no one noticed. A bout of being viciously killed by unknown entities known only as the Mysterions also affected many of the cast and crew. Location recording started on October 30th, at Hamster House in Dorset. Instead of using film for these sequences, Camfield opted for thin slices of cheese. This recording system ended in miserable disaster. Half of episode 1 was destroyed when Tom Baker got hungry and mistook the cheese for part of the catering. The entire sequence had to be re-shot on some crusty old gouda which was found on the floor with a footprint meshed in. The costumes used for creature were old halloween costumes found in a rubbish tip, it was on advice from Terrance Dicks that they were all painted green. Now for the season 13 wrap up - Season 14 is really very cool. I could write about all the wonderful things that I enjoyed about season 13 but all the other published materials use this space to point out every little detail of season 14. Why? Because none of the other guides have writers who even watched season 13. Can you believe some guides can't even get the names right? I mean how hard is it? Terror of the Bygones, Planet of Weevil, Pryamids of Cards, The Android Evasion, the Brain of Moby, and The Seeds of Bloom. These other guys need to get on the ball!