Eighty-Fifth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Spare Parts Serial 4J - The Android Evasion - The TARDIS lands in what appears to be a peaceful English village, however this is Doctor Who so it's actually an android infested hell hole of violence and degradation. The inhabitants of this strange village, Blewbury, are unfriendly and hostile, responding like robots to hidden signals. Of course The Doctor and Sarah Jane expect this sort of thing from village people and their suspicions of the otherworldly are not aroused in the slightest. Everything seems perfectly normal to the travellers - the landlord yells at them that the pool table is only for paying customers, a drunk patron's dog takes their seat, and everyone in the pub stares with cold dead eyes at the outsiders. All in all what one expects in a pub in the village. Everything goes terribly wrong when the Doctor politely asks why the locals are building a giant wickerman in the centre of town. Townies with gun-like hands appear from nowhere. The Doctor then realizes they are not in Blewbury after all but in a replica village built on their own planet by the Kraaps, an alien race bent on the conquest of earth with the aid of androids. How the Doctor goes from thinking that this is a perfectly ordinary village to instantly realizing THAT complex storyline is never really explained. That must have been one monster of an epiphany! The Kraap have apparently discovered a catalogue from earth where they can mail order their movies direct to their homeworld, Kraaptron VII. Little do the humans suspect that amazon.com has a series of sub-light zipper ships for intergalactic business transactions. The Kraap mistake these films for documentaries detailing several attempted invasions of earth. Seeing as how nearly every other being in the universe seems to want this planet so badly, they decide to make their move for conquest. The Doctor and Sarah Jane return to Earth in the Kraap ship in time to aluminum foil the Kraap invasion. Some of UNIT's leaders have already been replaced along with their respective units...over which they command! The Doctor reprogrammes an Android copy of himself to seek the universe for a source to pay off his colossal phone bill due to RassilonCom immediately. Meanwhile the Kraap scientist plan to destroy earth's population with a super-virus. Ironically this super virus is so super that it kills all the Kraap scientists and the entire Kraap race before they ever reach earth. This leads the Doctor to comment that at last an alien menace lived up to it's name. The human race is for the moment safe from alien invasion as all the Kraap forces have been dealt with except for one rogue 4th Doctor android obsessed with collecting money by any means possible. Sarah Jane asks the Doctor what they should do about this android threat to the cosmos and the Doctor says they should just avoid him and hope he gets the job done. This is the last UNIT story for quite some time, but not the last WANK one! Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And The Sweet Village Lass Who Molests People Through Hotel Walls Doctor Mysterio El Wicker Manos! Doctor Who Verus Straw Man, An Adventure In Carbonated Beverages Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed eerily coherent for most of this story Fashion Victims - Sarah Jane's silver Doc Martens. The villager who graces the camera with his "Born To Disco" t-shirt. Goofs - The Doctor picks up a branch and slaps Sarah Jane's face for no reason. Maybe they just liked doing this sort of thing? A large piece of cardboard appears behind the pod for the Doctor to lay on. Obviously this is just another example of Kraap design. The Kraap plan has several flawed aspects as the name would imply. The Kraap's indestructible androids have face plates which have been attached with blue tack. Thus whenever an android falls over it's face falls off and cracks opens up like a pinata. The androids' have complete human memories which apparently don't include survival tips like - don't drive cars over cliffs, don't try to sleep in the oven, and other things most humans pick up on fairly quickly. The calendar at the pub only has one date. Was the landlord too cheap to buy a 365 day calendar? Where can you get a one day calendar? Technobabble - "The Kraaptonic Energy is full of squeegetronic subtubers!! THE KRAAPTONIC ENERGY IS FULL OF SQUEEGETRONIC SUBTUBERS!??! Do you know what this means?! I can use this to scrub the stove!" Links and References - When the Doctor recieves a 400 page bill in the galactic mail he cries out that the abuse against his phone account most stop! (Full-Frontal In Space, Terror of the Bygones, Planet of Weevil, and Pyramids Of Cards) Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor briefly rambles about how it's not safe to leave the pub. He insists that they MUST stay in the pub at all times for their safety. The Doctor mentions a nightmarish episode of his life in which his friends were all turned inside out by some evil force in a similar village after deciding to leave a pub. This is most likely a totally crap story he made up to guilt everyone else into offering another round of drinks. Dialogue Disasters - Pub Landlord: I will now activate the hospitality circuits. Dialogue Triumphs - With insane enthusiasm - Doctor: Let's try the pub! The Doctor to a pub droid: "Is that finger a shot glass?" Doctor: Once upon a time there were three sisters, and they lived in the bottom of a treacle well. Their names were Olga, Marsha, and Irena and they would wrestle in the treacle for money...Are you listening? Is it okay to tell erotic lesbian stories in here? Sarah: This is the erotic lesbian stories chat room. Doctor: Oh excellent! Anyway, Olga was very interested in using the treacle to.... The classic scene with the confused villager whom is approached by the Doctor: Doctor: I say good man, could you please explain what is going on here? That is to say would you please intone the general theme of the occurrances in this location. I am in a hurry and do not have to time for lengthy explanations. I need something concise, precise, that clearly and without question entirely details the situation at hand. Do you understand the level of brevity that I require? I am not able to stand idly by as someone else drones on and on about their own mind as this is a time of great importance, and my time is of greater importance. What I require, my good fellow, is an efficient dispatch of information in the most timely way as is humanly possible. Look at the time! You've mistook or failed to understand my point entirely! I must be off now immediately to save the entire universe. Perhaps next time you will be more brief and succinct I dare hope? NO! I have no time for any answer at this point. Cheerio! Dialogue Oddities - (ORIGINAL SCRIPT) The Doctor: I am a Time Lord. I am beyond the temptations of your offer. Taking the earth is just another planet. My domain is eternity. (ON SCREEN) Tom Baker: I am a Time Lord, of course I'd like another round. Pint of Tetley's please? Viewers' Quotes - "This story left me cold, it didn't have any atmosphere. No wait, I'm thinking of the Moon again. Sorry, I'm always doing that." - Neil Armstrong (1975) "I must be fair and say that this story was total crap. This was the biggest pile of shite I've ever been made to endure! Jesus Christ!! WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING?!" - Father James O'Maley (1975) "The Kraap were Kraap." - Charles Daniels (2000) "Oh, I quite liked it actually." - Arthur Dent (1981) Psychotic Nostalgia - "I am an android duplicate! I saw this story on my neighbor's tv as I peered into his house. His soul was pure and he watched Doctor Who so I let him live. As far as androids go I'm pretty nice. I'm the nicest android I know." Tom Baker Speaks! "MY DREAM! Oh I love this story, it was called "The Doctor In The Village Pub Of Death". If I recall anything at all about this story it's that they finally listened to me, which was just lovely of them. This story was filmed entirely in Saint Henry's which was delightful. I had already taken to passing out on the floor of the pub at nights so all they had to do was kick me awake in the morning and we could start filming. The pub was a good location too, as it had lots of lovely locals who would wander in and let me improvise dialogue at them. The story's strengths are obvious, aren't they? This is lovely, it's nice to see Lis in those terribly cute silver boots. I think, yes, I shall have to get this one on video as well." Rumors & Facts - Remarkably Mr. Baker has got it right. This story was filmed in and around Saint Henry's a pub which Tom Baker frequented. Well not so much frequented but LIVED in for long stretches of time. The pub owner cashed in on the free publicity and Tom Baker faced a parallel dilemma to his fictional counterpart. The vast bar tab he had so effortlessly accumulated was far more steep and dangerous than even the phone bill he dodged paying on a weekly basis. I personally explain Tom Baker's heightened accuracy for this story squarely on the theory that because it involves a pub he remembers it.