Seventy-Eighth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' frolicking Serial 4C - The Lark In Space - The TARDIS lands on a BBC set in the Crab Nebula where The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy mini-series is being shot. This stroke of economic genius allowed two stories to be filmed simultaneously and Douglas Adams to write only one script. The Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith have arrived on the B Ark which is travelling through outerspace. At first it appears to only contain a few corpsicles, frozen in time until the British Film Industry recovered enough to give them proper employment. After a thorough investigation of the station they are taken to the captain of the station who explains that he was a game show host back on Earth. Apparently the BBC had decided to gather up it's more embarrasing actors and ship them off into space, to be gotten rid of once and for all. The Doctor smiles and explains this is a WONDERFUL idea because now the BBC will only be left with the top quality it really wants. Sarah Jane Smith then mentions to the Doctor that the BBC have sent THEM there under the excuse of filming this story, and asks what that means. The Doctor quickly realizes that this entire plot is an elaborate TRAP! The BBC have guided him here so that they can be rid of him once and for all. Not wanting to be trapped with various other two bit and washed up thespians he rouses his comrades to join forces. Together they discover the masterminds behind the entire ploy - a foul race known only as "BBC Executives". BBC Executives are giant insectoid monsters in cheap suits who hold a parasitic grip over television - but who for legal reasons I must assure you would be just wonderful regular old blokes if you met them socially. The BBC Executives know the tide has turned against them. In a last ditch effort to maintain control they approach the captain of the vessel and offer him an executive position. In blind greed the Captain agrees and thus starts the incredibly ugly and disgusting process of metamorphosis from grinning game show host to slimy slithering insect. Through some miracle a small piece of humanity survives the job promotion and the Captain decides to sacrifice his life for the sake of the surviving actors and mankind everywhere. The entire cast is allowed to return to television work in Britain as the Doctor and Sarah Jane skip over the the set of Star Trek and get beamed down to the planet Earth. Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Kills Some Midgets (Canada Only) Doctor Mysterio Outta' Spacer El Larke Loco How Do Make A BBC Sci-Fi Serial On 5 Pounds A Day Sheep Shag Galaxy #12 - Classic Sheep Shaggin' Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed drunk for most of this story Tom Baker keeps calling the BBC the "BBV" for some reason Fashion Victims - The entire staff of the BBC is required by law to wear at least one item of clothing advertising Eastenders or Take That The Doctor burst into tears for 3 minutes when his scarf is cut in half for safety reasons and is so violently depressed he tries to hang himself with the half he has left Goofs - Apparently when this story was shot Barry Letts and Tom Baker were still arguing over what the 4th Doctor would be like as in various scenes the Doctor all of a sudden has a beard, a russian accent, and insists on being addressed as "His Raspness". This betrays the out of sequence filming used in the series. Sarah's knickers are only visible in episode 1 Why does the Doctor not leave the space station in his TARDIS? Obviously running over to the Enterprise to get beamed down is done just as a cheap ploy to make the plot more interesting! The more interesting the plots are the harder these are to write! Didn't they ever think "Hey one day they'll have to write up a programme guide. Why don't we just do some story where the Doctor just buys a new hat. That one will be easy to write up!" Technobabble - In the future life is totally impossible without the Daniels Hyperdrive. (Actually in the story it was the Bennet Oscillator named after the director Rodney Bennet, but if he can do it, why can't I?!) Links and References - The Doctor starts asking Sarah Jane if she remembers various bits of technology from the Loonbase (HH). When Sarah Jane tells the Doctor she was never with him at the Loonbase he claims to be Rasputin and hits her harshly over the head with a giant fish Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor tells Sarah that he once went to a planet where being hit over the head with a giant fish was the highest compliment possible next to being beaten half to death with a metal wrench. It is somewhat unfortunate that Sarah Jane Smith was still incredibly angry over the entire fish slapping incident and the Doctor chose to tell her this just as she had a heavy metal wrench in her hand. Dialogue Disasters - Captain: It is useless to resist futility! Viagra: You claim to be Med-techs? Doctor: Well my doctorate is purely honorary, the only people who will let me touch them are sailors! Dialogue Triumphs - Doctor: Homo Sapiens! What an inventive, invincible species. It's only a few million years since they crawled up out of the mud and learned how to deep fry chocolate bars. Puny, defenseless little bastards aren't they? They've survived disco, teletubbies, Reaganomics and Pet Rocks, they've survived invasions from electrical alien cloned space Hitlers, and now, here they are... out among the stars doing..well they're... MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING??!?!?!?! Doctor: It may be irrational of me, but humans are quite my favorite dessert topping. Dialogue Oddities - Many times subtle changes in the script are required for the ever evolving art of television. Minor changes in the printed word, suggested humbly by actors, can provide an occasional additional layer to a performance -- AND THEN THERE'S TOM BAKER...who takes the classic "napalm" approach to altering scripts. Here is an example from The Lark In Space - (ORIGINAL SCRIPT) The Doctor: I'm amazed to see what the BBC has accomplished in this era. This set for instance is totally spaceworthy. Also these monsters look so incredibly realistic. Yes, in the future as is today, the service offered by the BBC more than justifies the humble amount required for a licence. (ON SCREEN) Tom Baker: Oi? The telly inspector van make it's way out here often? Viewers' Quotes - "This story was in the worst possible taste. I have been a BBC Executive for many years and never once have I regressed back into my truly vile insectoid body in front of the viewing public." - John Wirrn (1975) "I got the video at my local outlet, eh? What a disappointment! I felt like I was totally hosed. The book had the Doctor killing midgets and like, I get the video and where did the midgets go, eh? The Canadian novelization is was Doctor Who is all a boot. So that's our topic for today." - Bob McKenzie (1982) "It was simply a fabulous story! I hadn't worked in British television in years, not since a brief cameo on Blue Peter in 1968 when they tried to explain to the children what it meant to be a "Washed-Up Actor". Even though I only had a bit part in the production and I was never credited, I was still invited to give MY opinion of the story for this programme guide. It all starts from here! Got to get my name out there!" "This story shows the beauty of Doctor Who. It has that childish magic and wonder, dunnit?" - Some Fanboy from Toxteth who says this about every single Doctor Who story hoping someone somewhere will quote him. "This was a Doctor Who story." - Me because It's my programme guide and I can quote any damn thing I say without hassling for permission (2000) Tom Baker Speaks! Tom Baker has insisted that I can't accurately cover his era WITHOUT his keen insights and insider information of that period of the show's history. So I present him with a forum, and you the reader with.... "As I recall The Lark In Space was one of my stories, wasn't it? Well if I remember correctly the interesting thing I can say about this story is that during the filming there was this guy named David..no, Sam..yes this fellow named Sam and he was very keen on being on Doctor Who at the time and I told him that the best way to get on Doctor Who was if he..oh no, wait his name was TIM! So yeah, Tim I said if you want to ever work for the BBC and get on Doctor Who the number one thing you must do is talk to my friend Tim and he'll...NO! Okay I got this now. My friend was name Tim or Sam, who worked with the BBC and this guy who wanted to be on Doctor Who was David, or maybe his name was Elizabeth and he was a she. Anyway either way, Tim used to tell everyone that if you bought me some drinks at the local pub after filming that was a dead sure way to get into Doctor Who. That was a TOTAL and unashamed lie, but fans used to buy us so many drinks thinking that. I had great fun with Tim. I wonder what ever happened to him. You know come to think of it he's dead...yes, what a sad story. No, wait, what the hell am I talking about? Tim isn't dead, he's Norwegian! I always get those mixed up." Rumors & Facts - A few things can be said about this story, most of them total lies I'll just make up to pad out this section, but I'll put in enough facts that you'll have to read it anyway. Firstly, no one but the regular cast bothered to show up for filming the first week. So the entire first episode had be improvised between Tom Baker and Elisabeth Sladen in a way that Doctor Who had not done since The Hedge of Destruction. It is confusing that the actors would MISS an entire week's filming especially considering that they each needed all the screen time they could grab. Some minimal research shows however that they took up the pass time often enjoyed by British Actors --- getting so pissed on rubbing alcohol you simply don't care if you miss the next few weeks altogether work or not! Many fan publications and discussion on the internet has suggested that the yo-yo the Doctor uses to test the gravametric forces on the set was actually a military prototype gravametric detector loaned to the Doctor Who production offices to test in the serial. This rumour is quite frankly a load of pants. I recently acquired the original prop yo-yo from the Lark In Space from eBay via a very respected seller named Fatboy42. The prop does not only fail to function as an accurate gravametric detector but doesn't work as a yo-yo very well either! This story is perhaps one of the the most praising of humanity, as survivors, as creators, as innovators, and as delicious snacks.