Thirtieth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Silly Film 1 - Dr. Who And The Dustbins - In the first screen adventure based on the ever-dodgy BBC television science-friction series, TARDIS (a Timely And Relatively Dull Insignificant Spin-off), is the latest invention of Dr. Who, the wacky loveable scientist from Liverpool. It can transport the passengers to another world and another time, something the film itself fails to do. With his granddaughters, Barbara and Susan, Dr. Who demonstrates the time machine to Barbara's pimp, Ian, who is high on crack and tripping on acid and therefore operates the time machine much like a pinball machine in his altered state. The four humans are instantly transported from earth! They land in a vast, petrified forest, and soon Dr. Who finds himself in terrible struggle between the boring Dull people, the multi-coloured dustbins, and horrible dialogue. Luckily his granddaughter Susan goes insane when Ian accidentally gives her cocaine on her cornflakes and kills everyone save her grandfather, Ian, and her much maligned older sister - Barbara. Book(s)/Other Related - Who's Who? (Roberta Tovey's 1965 single) I Was a Dustbin by Robert Jewell The Doctor Who and the Dustbins Lunch Box Fluffs - Cushing seemed confused for most of this movie "TARDIS! It's just like I always imagined it but with less imagination than I could muster before!" "Susan! Open up the window, I want a breath of fresh air!" "But we're outside grandfather!" "Oh yes quite! Sorry I was paying too much attention on walking in a peculiar way." Fashion Victims - Ian the pimp wears a pink shirt, giant fedora with sky blue feather, platform shoes, bell bottom trousers, a mood ring, and a belt buckle reading "Macho". Goofs - If TARDIS is suppose to be a complex time machine that only seems like a pinball machine to Ian in his drug craze, why does TARDIS give off the date as a pinball score in tiles? Why does the Doctor kiss Barbara in that romantic fashion if she's supposed to be his granddaughter? Why was Ian trying to collect money in the middle of the month? Shouldn't he as an experienced pimp know that "Mother's Day" is the first of every month? Susan seems to have to almost force Ian to pick up the cocaine instead of the sugar when he sprinkles it liberally on her cornflakes. Was this an obvious stage cue or was Susan just a 12 year old crack head? Dialogue Disasters - DOCTOR WHO: I'm Doctor WHO! And WHO might you be young fellow? IAN: Yo bitch, pay time! BARBARA: I haven't got the money! Susan used it all to buy herself a chemistry set! IAN: Chemistry, eh? What do you make then with your chemistry set little girl? Sugar crystals? SUSAN: I make meths, uppers and downers, simple designer drugs! Want some? DULL (Jim): I like films with Doug McClure! IAN: Dammit Jim, I'm a pimp! Not a time traveller! Dialogue Triumphs - IAN: And you're saying with this set up I can travel anywhere in time and space? DOCTOR WHO: Of course. IAN: Well I know time space travel is a scientific dream. I didn't expect it to be solved by a loony like you. SUSAN: Ian! IAN! Can I have cornflakes too? IAN: I guess so. Want some sugar? SUSAN: Oh yes! LOTS please! DOCTOR WHO: Young Susan! You saved us all! I know a little someone who's going to have a little surprise when we get home! SUSAN: Don't be so sure about that grandfather, I cleaned out your bank account last week. DOCTOR WHO: Oh she's got such a wonderful sense of humor for a little one! SUSAN: Yeah laugh it up old man. When they throw you in prison for vagrancy I'll be drinking champagne in Bermuda. Rumors - In 1965 Dustbinmania was a fever spreading across the world. It was decided that a timely and relatively dull insignificant spin-off was needed and a 80 minute feature film was seen as the best possible way to exploit the masses. To save money and make things super easy to do they simply took the script to "The Dustbins" and cut out all the questionable bits. Unfortunately this only left them with about 10 minutes of material out of the original 3 hours so all new naughty bits had to be added in. It was decided a completely new cast was required. William Hartnell was replaced by the famous Peter Cushing as he misunderstood the nature of the project. It turns out Peter Cushing was looking to star in a new 'horror' film but accidently was cast as the lead in a new 'horrible' film. His bland and uninspiring portrayal of the Doctor was to be quickly forgotten and denied by hard core Doctor Who fans. Amongst the many changes between the show and the movie was changing the Doctor's mysterious origins in for constant jokes about wacky Liverpudlians. When research showed that children did not want to see film depicting school teachers as heroes it was decided to make Ian a lovable and charming pimp. Ian's character was years ahead of it's time and would serve as the prototype hero for such films as Superfly, Attack of the Zombie Pimps, and It's A Hoe World After All. Barbara's backround was also altered to that of a successful prostitute trying to take care of her strange mentally insane grandfather. Susan was greatly expanded. Gone completely was the crying, ankle twisting, easily hurt Susan. The movie Susan wasn't just limited to knowledge of explosives and telepathy as her tv counterpart was either. Roberta Tovey's Susan was a master of explosions, drugs, blackmail, extortion, fraud, and just about every immoral and illegal thing imaginable. This film did surprisingly well for a timely and relatively dull insignificant spin-off. A sequel was made. Merchandise was sold. And the Dustbins remained the unchallenged favorite foes of the Doctor. Critically the film starts strongly with Doctor Who reading an issue of Playboy magazine with a wide grin but it falls apart immediately thereafter. And in recent times it has been rumored that the nefarious Doctor Who author AdventureRat will be writing a new book about the other adventures of the Peter Cushing Doctor. Which companions will be used is unknown but it is hoped that Susan will keep her psychotic hard edge and that the incidental music of the novel will be better than that of the film by being entirely non-existent.