Massive Spoiler Warnings!! Those who do not want Spoilers...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! See the ENTIRE archive and image site at - http://www.whoguide.com/ Thanks to Lucy McGough and everyone else who has ever asked what was going on with this thing. It's been the hardest one to write by miles. I've re-started from word one, countless times. It's - The One Hundred and Eighty-Second Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Latex In the back of a grimy sex shoppe, a blinding light silhouettes a robotic figure amongst a battery of sexual aides. A man in a crotchless leather gimp outfit informs his master ‘it’ is working. The other man, seated in the shadows, explains that that is not the correct terminology. He moves forward on a large motorised wheel chair and tells him: this is not a machine - It’s alive! The man in the chair asks if the creature can hear him. The scientist explains that it may be in a state of shock; the brain has been welded to the exoskeleton. The seated man marvels at his new creation: skin of metal, and a body that will never age, never tire, never grow soft and placid. He envies it. He turns to face it and asks if it knows him. He orders it to answer and asks again. Slowly the creature answers, he is John Lumic, the Dominator of the CyberDoll Race. Lumic marvels at what stands before him, his ultimate fantasy. "This is my greatest creation. It will retail at 1,499.99, and give those Real Doll jerks a total run for their money!" Lightning strikes dramatically in the background. Episode 2.05 - Arousal of the Cybermen - In the TARDIS console room the Doctor blasts the Beastie Boys loudly and screams along to the lyrics of the song at his stunned companions - "Well now don't you tell me to smile You stick around I'll make it worth your while Got numbers beyond what you can dial Maybe it's because I'm so versatile Style profile I said It always brings me back when I hear Ooh Child From the Hudson River out to the Nile I run the marathon just up until the very last mile If you battle me I will revile People always say my style is wild You've got gall you've got guile To step to me I'm a rapophile If you want to battle you're in denial Coming from Uranus to check my style Go ahead put my rhymes on trial Cast you off into exile Another dimension New galaxy Intergalactic planetary!" Rose sighs in annoyance, the Doctor is obviously hyped up on illegal Saturian happy pills -- AGAIN. Rose asks the Doctor if he should really be piloting the TARDIS when he's off his head. He assures here that everything will be fine, just fine -- suddenly the console explodes in a blinding light and a pool of sparks. Rose and Mickey are thrown to the floor. The Doctor wrestles for control and Rose asks what is happening - "The time vortex is gone! It's just not there! WOW! This is AMAZING! WE'RE ALL GUNNA DIE!! WOW! I love this!" Oxygen masks descend from the ceiling and the Doctor giggles happily in a corner. "Instant Oxygen Bar! My old companions said I was trendy installing this! Ooooh ho ho! BREATHE IN THAT yummy yummy oxygen...oh yes.." The Doctor rubs Vick's vaporub on his body and laughs uncontrollably. The lights go out and all that is left are blackened walls, a burnt out console and the three occupants, dazed and confused. The Doctor obviously a bit more dazed and confused than the others. When the Doctor asks if everyone is all right, he seems disappointed when he hears they all are. The Doctor informs them that the TARDIS is dead, and that they are trapped in hell for all eternity. Mickey opens the door and discovers that Hell is in fact, London. Mickey is relieved to be back home in his proper time and space, until he looks up and notices floating grimy private shops filling the sky from horizon to horizon. Rose marvels at the flash neon and provocative window displays of some of them, while others remain boarded up and elusive. One of them in particular catches her eye however -- the shop front is dominated by a giant hologram of Peter Allan Tyler, punting cut price DVDs. The Doctor is quick to warn her not to look at it or even to think about it, it will all end up some deeply disturbing mess and the DVDs don't really look all that thrilling anyway. Meanwhile, this universe's Pete is attending Jackie's third 40th birthday party. He asks Jackie what gifts she's received - "Oh all the usuals, a few cars, a small yacht, and yet another mind control device from Mister Lumic." The two chuckle at this comment. "What is with that guy? Always devising mind control devices? And giving them out all over the world for birthdays and Christmas. He's a bit mad." Pete then receives a call in his earpod, speak of the devil, it's Mister Lumic. "Thanks for the gift. Oh, no, she hasn't put the mind control device on. What? No, no, Ted just got her a Mercedes..." In her room, Jackie is putting on her makeup when suddenly her gift from Lumic begins to glow and two metallic rods extend from within them. Jackie sighs, used to these little surprises from crazy old Lumic, but when she reaches to shut the device off she freezes and is locked in a state of hypnotism. After a few moments Jackie can move normally again and carries on as if nothing has happened. Mister Lumic opens a video link with one of his associates, Mr Crane. "Mister Crane!! One of my mind control devices has actually worked!! The Mestor B variant! I want 10,000 of them ready for Christmas." "Sir, are you sure it has worked? This isn't like last year with the Triton F when you were so convinced that you'd briefly controlled the motor reflexes of a small dog and actually-" "NO MAN! This is the actual event! Success at last! 10,000! IMMEDIATELY!" In an abandoned slum dozens of people huddle around fires in oil drums. A lorry arrives and Mr Crane emerges to address the masses. "Hello, I'm not sure if you'll all remember me, but it's possible that some of you may have received Lumic Mind Control devices before." Everyone in the group holds up strange pieces of technology - things like look like small radios, metal cricket balls, headphones, and even ceramic mugs. Mr Crane is slightly surprised to see so many examples of failed devices but goes on - "Now, I know that Lumic's previous history with mind control has been a bit...dodgy. BUT, this time he really thinks he's cracked it. So, I'm here to abduct you...again...and umm..mind control you, I guess." The crowd groans. "Oh please! I mean, I'm only doing this because you're the dregs of society. No one will miss you. Now, please, be dears and just walk into the back of this lorry." The crowd grumblingly obliges. Inside the TARDIS the Doctor has lowered himself into the open service hatch and is tearing out pieces of machinery to get hold of a glowing object. Mickey inquires as to what it is and the Time Lord explains that it is a glow stick that he once bought at a rave on Zeta Minor. "So..it's not some vital component then or anything? It's just some plastic, glow in the dark piece of junk from another planet. How is that going to help?" "Mickey! The TARDIS is a living piece of sentient trascendental engineering. By it's very nature it exists outside of the fold of time-space. It's the most complex system ever devised by the most complex society to have ever existed in the entire universe. So, do you think a little plastic glow stick has any shot of fixing that?" "Well...no." "Exactly!! When I first saw this, I thought it was a power cell. It's not. We're fucked." "Oh." "BUT! On the other hand. Sometimes, the TARDIS works on principles of non-linear uncertainty. Which means that shoving a random plastic piece of shit into it...CAN DO THIS!" The Doctor jams the glowstick into the console and the TARDIS hums into life and lights up like a cathedral! "Deus Ex Machina! I love you!" At the airstrip, Lumic’s Adult Superstore is coming into land. Pete has already arrived and is met by the President, who asks him what the problem is that it can’t wait until after Strictly Come Dancing. He explains that Cyberdoll Industries having brought out his business means he’s part of the company now. They approach a walkway leading down from the shop and the President ponders that Pete has been involved with Lumic more than most, and asks him what he thinks of him. Pete comments that he is an eccentric, intelligent, and perverse man. The President sighs in relief - "I'd heard he was insane." "Oh, he's that too!" In Lumic’s private theatre the President and Pete are watching a presentation that details various parts of human anatomy, accompanied by an embarrassing disco track. Lumic grumbles, apologies, and then switches the video to a scientific presentation of how humans can be made immortal by killing them violently. It seems to be a contradiction of terms, but Lumic assures them that the process is a guaranteed success. The President calls Lumic's plan obscene, and asks if they could switch back to the previous video. The President, now on his feet brings him down to Earth. Lumic is the world's foremost erotic engineer - but he is not God. The President leaves in a rage, as Pete makes an embarrased hand motion conveying "Hey, yeah, drink later down the boozer, alright Lumic? There's a good chap. Cheers." So advanced is Pete's wrist action and control from his business. Later, the two meet up at their local pub, The Spread Eagle. Pete tries to convince Lumic to seek funding in other countries. But Lumic will not consider the option. He doesn't trust The French or the Americans with autonomous lust droids; He insists that only the superior British mind can cope with such power. Meanwhile, the TARDIS crew have been unable to steal money directly out of cash machines, as is their usual habit. So they've taken a night's work at waiters, for the birthday bash of one Jackie Tyler. This should go smoothly but that odd old International Electromatics employee, Mister Crane is bored and decides to use his newly created Cyberarmy to crash the party. Mr. Crane is essentially a bit loopy. He likes the idea of drinking some champagne and eating some nibbles - natch; but he keeps thinking of the Cybernetic monstrosities as cuddly toys or at best, body guards. His trust in their mind controlled servitude is absolute. Rose watches the line of creatures advance and notes that a cadre of 7 foot tall men of steel aren't technically on the guest list. The Doctor explains they are Cybermen, and then eats a canape off her tray. Suddenly the creatures begin to smash through the windows, storming inside and encircling the frightened guests. Rose jumps to the conclusion that they are people but the Doctor tells her that they were people, until they had all of their human decency taken away. They are a living libido jammed inside a cybernetic body with wills of steel, with all pity removed. Rose asks what it feels like to be used by them and he replies simply: “It hurts.” One of the Cybermen approaches him and asks him where the Gents is. This confuses him deeply -- "But...Cybermen don't...I mean....why would you need to do a number 1 or a number 2...or a number ANYTHING?" The Cybermen clenches his fist - "You misunderstand human. We must procure...JOHNNIES!" Book(s)/Other Related - The Cybermen: Messed Up Giger Erotica Drawings To Give You Nightmares, Vol. 4 Untelevised Misadventures - At some point, between the 80s and 2000s, the Cybermen became interested in safe sex. This was never an issue in the 60s. Groovy DVD Extras - The entire story is re-enacted by sock puppets, as an easter egg. Dialogue Disasters - ----- The Doctor: I seen them before. Rose: What are they? The Doctor: Well, it's pineapple and cheese on sticks, isn't it? Don't look at it! Get it out the door! ----- Dialogue Triumphs - ----- The President: The answer is no. My government does not give you permission. And I think no government ever will. John Lumic: I’ve prepared a paper for the ethical committee. The President: Oh, come on. It’s not just unethical. It’s obscene. John Lumic: I'll buy you a puppy. ------------------------------------------------------------ Viewer Quotes - "Like many things in life, emotions are something I often take for granted. That doesn’t mean I have a disregard for people’s feelings, even though, in my particular case, I actually do. What I mean is that often I can be pretty pithy at times and be a little oblivious to the effect sometimes of what I say and it affects others. To some people, I can be construed as a little insensitive or emotionally detached. I kind of agree to the latter given that I tend be more of a thinker in my approach to life rather than someone who relies on their emotions a lot. That being said, if you liked this story. If you actually sat down and watched it and thought to yourself 'Well, that was an enjoyable 45 minutes of my life' You should probably be beaten to death with a hammer." - KalmKoolKilla Russell T Davies Speaks! "The Cybermen were the original perverts of Doctor Who. Remember, it wasn't until Troughton that we got the whole, easy going, relaxed, casual slap tickle innocent bisexual stuff. The first Doctor just wanted one decent shag, and who could begrudge him that? So, you know, I wanted to keep that core truth of the Cybermen." David Tennant Speaks! "Raped by a Cyberman. Now I'm Doctor Who!" Rumours & Facts - RTD watched "Inferno" and thought "Right, I'm having that." Meanwhile, Davies was also contemplating the return to Doctor Who of the Cybermen. The revived programme's first season had resurrected the Daleks to popular acclaim, and Davies now wanted to do the same for the show's most famous second-rate monsters. The Cybermen, sick of doing bit parts in adverts, eagerly signed onto the deal. Roger Lloyd Pack showed his true and unwaivering dedication to method acting. When he discovered that the villain was entirely wheel chair bound, he intentionally threw himself down a flight of stairs, breaking his ankle at several points.