Massive Spoiler Warnings!! Those who do not want Spoilers...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! See the ENTIRE archive and image site at - http://www.whoguide.com/ It's - The One Hundred and Eighty-First Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' French Kissing French people are being gleefully killed by clockwork assassins. The Doctor and company are happy to watch, laughing and eating popcorn as they enjoy the spectacle of death and gloom. Then some hot chick bends down, exposing her ample 18th century cleavage to the Doctor. Immediately the Doctor drops the extra salty snacky goodness and whips out a Luger pistol. Episode 2.04 - The Bitch in the Fridge - Three thousand years later the TARDIS lands inside of a giant space ship. The Doctor, Mickey and Rose step outside and are greeted by small, cute, still functioning happy little robots. Mickey is amazed to be meeting sentient machines onboard an alien spaceship. He attempts greet the cute little droids but they bleep and bloop electronic obscenities whenever he approaches. "I don't believe it!" Exclaims Mickey "Ten million light years from earth, and three thousand years in the future, and the first intelligent life I meet are a bunch of racist robots!" The androids shamble away muttering racial slurs, when the Doctor swiftly whips out his sonic screwdriver and blasts them to oblivion. The Doctor searches through the computerized brains of disabled droids and sighs in frustration at the sorry state of their construction. Bored and desperate to look really cool, the Doctor decides to show off a neat trick to impress Mickey and Rose - "You know what WE COULD do?" Starts the Doctor. "We could power up the warp engines to full capacity and then...and here's the clever part... just sit around and wait." "What's so clever about that?" "Because if we don't GO ANYWHERE then the warp engines will continue to build in power until they punch a hole in the fabric of the universe ITSELF!" Mickey looks incredulous "Umm, that sounds incredibly stupid and dangerous." "NO! It's REALLY COOL! And if we are lucky the universe will go all Salvador Dali and then we'll, I dunno, open up a gateway in time that will somehow kill a lot of French people!" "OH! Why didn't you say that earlier? DO IT MAN!" The Doctor sniffs the air and asks if his companions can smell anything. They can't. He tells them to forget he ever said anything. The Doctor makes his way to the ship's kitchen and routes all the power of the warp engines directly into a single fridge. After a few moments he opens the fridge and inside is a genuine 18th century France! "Great! It's not one of those knock-off 18th Century Frances! I got one of those from Argos once, and it was hell to return!" Suddenly a small girl’s voice rings out from the beyond the salad crisper. The Doctor talks to her and she introduces herself as Reinette. He asks where she is and she replies, somewhat confused, that she is in her bedroom in Paris. She asks what the Doctor is doing in her anachronistic refrigerator and he bluffs that he is a child molester. Immediately after he says it he realises that it's not the best cover he's ever come up with - but sometimes when you think on your feet you put your foot right in your mouth. The Doctor asks Reinette what year it is and she explains that it is 1727. The Doctor checks through his personal diary and discovers there are no active warrants for his arrest in that year in France - "WOW! I guess there had to be a few random exceptions. 1983 is also free!" The Doctor bids her goodnight and turns back to Rose and Mickey, explaining his suspicion that since enough power to open a gateway in the universe is being sustained - the energy efficiency promise on the fridge has probably been invalidated. Before Rose and Mickey realise, the Doctor leaps into the fridge and arrives through an identical unit in Reinette’s room. As Reinette stirs from her sleep he introduces himself as the fridge man but she maintains that the last time they spoke was months ago and that he was breathing distinctly heavier. The Doctor adjusts the coolness setting on the fridge, wondering if it is now somehow acting as a time dilation device. He also eats all of Reinette's strawberry yogurt. Suddenly he is attacked by a monstrous arm and he reels back. We only see the Doctor's face as he stares in complete shock and screams - "Skeletor!! BUT HOW!??!" The Doctor then squints and realises he is mistaken - "No wait! My mistake. You're not Skeletor, you're just some generic clockwork killing machine - my bad!" The clockwork droid kicks the Doctor in the goolies and stalks off stiffly. Reinette is shocked "WOW! That is so random, sir!" As the Doctor cries and catches his breath he tries to explain that this sort of thing happens to him all the time. The Doctor slowly limps back through the fridge where Rose and Mickey are waiting. They realise the Doctor is in trouble - "On the other side of that fridge, we're facing an evil greater than the Dustbins." Rose is shocked "But how...How can anything be more evil than the Dustbins?" "They didn't say a word and just kicked me hard in the balls. Even the Dustbins don't do that." Mickey is shocked "Do aliens usually kick first in the joy department?" The Doctor thinks for a moment "No. Not really. These must be some serious assholes we're dealing with." The Doctor realises that the monsters could be both onboard and in 18th century France. He orders Mickey and Rose to scout the ship looking for the baddies here while he nips back to 18th century France to get wrecked on cheap wine. When they object to this plan, he agrees to make a half hearted attempt to find the monsters in the past. In Reinette’s room it is now daytime as the Doctor shuffles madly through her underwear drawer. He slowly turns to see a young woman looking at him. Reinette congratulates the Doctor for his persistence; she had assumed he lost interest in her when she developed into a woman. He marvels at how much she has grown but she is not amused, he has not aged at all since they last met, which is incredibly rude. He apologises and tries to say something witty, and fails, but Reinette is unphased and touches the side of his face, pondering that although he is made of flesh and blood, reason tells her he cannot be real. The Doctor smiles "OH REASON eh? It's not like this is an age of reason or anything..oh wait....no, it's *THE* Age of Reason, isn't it? Don't know why but for some reason I had it in my head this was the bronze age. You know, when you spend all day thinking it's Wednesday and then HAPPY SURPRISE it's actually Thursday!" Reinette looks at the Doctor like the loon he is and then suddenly thrusts her tongue down the Doctor's throat. Madly she begins to rip off the Doctor's clothing, so violently in her attack that she pushes the Doctor over and he falls flailing through the open refrigerator. When he finds himself suddenly back on the spaceship he mutters angrily. Just then Mickey and Rose return to the room to find the Doctor half naked, his remaining clothes a tangled mess, laying very near to a large white horse. The Doctor sees the shocked looks on his companions faces and follows their gaze to him and with a jump of surprise notices the horse. Flubbing for a believable excuse he says - "The, umm, clockwork droids, umm, roughed me up a bit and threw me through the hole in time and then they umm...sent a horse in after me. Probably some kind of trained 18th century assassin horse." Rose and Mickey excuse themselves from the room with bemused expressions. When they are far enough away not to be heard they discuss the Doctor's behaviour - "What is going on with him today?" Asks an exasperated Rose. "He is acting well weird." Mickey lowers his head slightly and nervously replies "I think I might have a clue actually. Rose, don't get angry. But, you know how you said you've been really concerned about the number of happy pills the Doctor has been taking recently?" "Oh yeah, he's been X'ed out of his arse for weeks. You think that's it?" "Not exactly. See, I thought I'd swap his pills." "Swap it? With what?" "Viagra." "VIAGRA!?! Are you a total moron or what?! The Doctor's not human, Mickey! We don't know what viagra will do to him. Anything can happen!" "Tell me about it." "Damn it, and if he starts shagging horses, I don't want to hang out with him anymore!" Rose and Mickey walk back to the room to see the Doctor now smiling and brushing the horse's mane. The Doctor looks at them and beams wildly - "I've called him Arthur!" he informs his friends with insane glee. Rose looks down and mutters beneath her breath "Oh shit." Rose moans, explaining that she won't allow the Doctor to keep the horse. The Doctor protests, claiming he lets her keep Mickey. This comparison makes Rose and Mickey very uncomfortable! The Doctor looks at his friends as if they are behaving rather oddly and he abruptly explains that he's going back to 18th century France for a quick shag if he can get it. After the Doctor leaves, Mickey and Rose are ambushed by two of the clockwork droids, who grab hold of them and extend their weapon arms. They draw needle-like extensions and plunge them into their prisoner’s necks. Back in France the Doctor calmly asks Reinette if he can reach into her mind with his secret alien powers and use the knowledge he gleans from her grey matter to seduce her more completely. Reinette has always been fascinated by kinky alien mind control sex and agrees. Reinette marvels at his telepathic abilities when he discovers that the droids are looking for her, but that she is not yet old enough to serve their purpose. "But plenty old enough to serve mine!" Observes the Doctor. However, things begin to backfire and Reinette begins to read his thoughts, and feels very queasy - "MY GOOD SIR!! I can't believe that you would even consider using such a fiendish device on my most sensitive and private of areas!" Reinette severs the link and asks the Doctor if he would like a cup of tea. Back on the ship Rose and Mickey have been strapped to operating tables. Rose awakens and calls out for the Doctor. Mickey also awakens and realises that the droids are about to chop them up. Mickey screams like a baby and wets himself repeatedly. One of the droids states that the two of them are compatible. Mickey misunderstands this comment entirely and says - "What?! Me and her?!? No! We fight all the time! We tried it for awhile, it was a disaster!" Before the droids can correct Mickey's error and then brutally murder him the Doctor stumbles into the room with a drunken song. The Doctor is completely naked, save for a tie fastened around his head, and is carrying a glass of wine. He asks his friends if they have ever "banged a vintage French bird", claiming that they know how to party. Rose sighs and snipes to look what the cat dragged in. The Doctor excitedly explains that he thinks he has invented an entirely new usage for the common banana. "Things got crazy there for a moment Rose, but we BOTH left VERY happy." Rose gets a disgusted look on her face and is violently ill on one of the clockwork droids, the mess clogging up his gears and grinding him to a halt. Uncontrollably Mickey follows suit, and the second of two droids is stalled on the spewing liquid. Thoroughly disgusted, the Doctor snaps out of his dizzy state and suddenly realises that he feels vaguely GUILTY - "WOW! Haven't felt that sensation in ages! GREAT! SO GREAT!" Happily he unbinds Rose and Mickey. Suddenly our three heroes hear the most violent crashing and thumping noise coming from the main room of the space ship. Rushing toward where the sound was they find the refrigerator wide open and heavily damaged. The Doctor rushes into the fridge. On the either side, in France, we see Arthur the Horse suddenly burst out of the refrigerator, followed by the Doctor scant seconds later. Arthur the Horse bucks onto his hind legs and unexpectedly lifts a bazooka and begins to attack the posh French people. "So it was an 18th century assassin horse the entire time!" The palace of Versailles shakes in chaos as rapid rounds of heavy ammo are dispatched by the psychopathic killer horse. The Doctor stands in horror "ARTHUR!! ARTHUR!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?" On the ship, Mickey states the obvious - "I didn't know horses could do that." The Doctor wrestles the horse to the ground, where he promptly surrenders in exchange for a handful of sugar lumps. Reinette joins them and admits that she feels pity for poor Arthur, a highly intelligent and witty gentlemen who was denied his proper place in aristocratic French society, merely because....he was a horse. The Doctor shakes his head in mild confusion and is again tongue tackled by Reinette. Reinette explains that while she was in his mind she found that he knew the names of every star in the sky. They look up through a gaping hole now present in the roof and stare at the night sky. Reinette admits she would love to look at the stars a little closer, as he has - BUT... Recent events have shown Reinette how hurt and lonely the true love of her life is - "I could never leave him. Not when he is so wounded and hurt and confused. I am sorry Doctor. But I must stay, with Arthur." The Doctor is shell shocked "Wait! I'm a nearly immortal god of time and space, who can take you ANYWHERE in the universe, and...I'm getting dumped for a psychopathic pony?" Disgusted, the Doctor stalks off through the fridge, never to see his darling Reinette ever again. Once on the other side he unplugs the fridge and shuts down the warp engines. Later inside the TARDIS, Rose asks if he is all right and he claims that he is, but she sees differently. Mickey too sees that the Time Lord needs to be alone and asks Rose to show him the rest of the TARDIS. They walk away, leaving the Doctor alone. The Doctor stares lonely into the middle distance and softly says - "Great. I lost the girl AND the horse on the same day. FUCKING GREAT!" Outside the TARDIS departs, revealing a portrait of Reinette hidden behind it and outside, on the side of the ship its name is written - Mister Ed. Book(s)/Other Related - Ribald Misadventures in Time And Space M/F/HORSE Mind Control Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor once had an awesome threeway with Sarah Jane Smith and Cleopatra, as Mickey finds the pictures hidden under the Gravity Plate. Groovy DVD Extras - An extra commentary track with Noel Clark and Arthur The Horse. Dialogue Disasters - ----- Reinette: You think I fear you? But I do not fear you even now. You are merely the nightmare of my childhood. The monster from under my bed. And if my nightmare can return to plague me then, rest assured, so will yours. Work Man: Umm, I'm just here to do the windows, love. ----- Reinette: No. I'm very afraid. But you and I both know, don't we, Rose, the Doctor is worth the monsters. Rose: Get off my man, slut! ----- Dialogue Triumphs - ----- Doctor: Always bring a banana to an orgy, Rose. Bananas are good! ----- Reinette: Oh, such a lonely childhood. Doctor: It’ll pass. Stay with me. Reinette: Oh, Doctor. So lonely. So very very alone. Doctor: What do you mean alone? You’ve never been alone in your life. When did you start calling me Doctor? Reinette: Such a lonely little boy. Lonely then and lonelier now. How can you bear it? Doctor: How did you do that? Reinette: Do what? Doctor: The mind reading. Reinette: Oh no. That's just my typical chat up line. I'm just trying to get in your pants. OH MY! My lonely, lonely little boy. Let me give you some company and comfort. Doctor: Clever. Very clever. ----- Young Reinette: What do monsters have nightmares about? The Doctor: Being naked in public. Must be some universal fear. ------------------------------------------------------------ Viewer Quotes - "For some reason, that horse looks gorgeous under that greenish lighting. And the Doctor somehow has chemistry with it. Weird. I feel kinda creepy and bad now." - Ted Gibbon Russell T Davies Speaks! "One of my childhood dreams is that the Doctor would have a girl fall madly in love with him, but then, decide at the last minute instead of going with him through time and space and seeing the wonders of the universe first hand, she'd just shack up with a horse and get on with her life. For awhile this was going to be a Catherine The Great story, but I thought it was too obvious. I wanted it to be a real surprise." David Tennant Speaks! "It was lovely to work with Arthur on the set and then we'd go out for a nice pub lunch or even a pub crawl afterwards. I remember waking up drunk in Swansea with him in this nightclub, and I'm not sure how we got there, but YEAH, if you want to score in a Welsh nightclub, show up on a horse. That's a golden ticket to anything." Rumours & Facts - This story started life as a straight historical with no science fiction elements. When RTD insisted that a proper Who monster be added, Steven Moffat responded with a new version of the script in which a heavily trained alien death horse stalked the characters through time and space, waiting for the perfect moment to take it's revenge for it's unfair alienation in French society. To Moffat's utter amazement RTD loved the idea and suggested a possible love interest for the horse character, and he also suggested throwing in some cruel clockwork androids as a red herring. It is in exactly these organic ways that the best Doctor Who scripts grow and develop.