Massive Spoiler Warnings!! Those who do not want Spoilers...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! See the ENTIRE archive and image site at - http://www.whoguide.com/ It's - The One Hundred and Eightieth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Olives and Feta Cheese The Watcher, Giles, walks the staircases and corridors of Sunnydale High School, approaching his library only to find a young red-haired girl sitting outside. Giles explains to the girl that he has an ancient and potent book of spells hidden away next to Home Economics Cookery Text Books. "Last week a poor girl tried to make an omelette and opened up a gateway to a shadow dimension. I'm sure you can close it for me, Willow." Giles ushers Willow inside, as he closes the door he takes a peek back outside before closing it completely. The shadows through the frosted glass window shift and change, Willow lets out a scream. We see inside the library, Giles standing with a psychotic look in his eyes, his face covered in blood, he raises his arms skyward and screams "At last! The last of the little bastards is DEAD!! Never again will I suffer a noun used as a verb! Never again will I endure the endless agony of Valley Speak! I AM FREE!!! FREE DAMN YOU!" Lightning strikes dramatically in the background. Episode 2.03 - Sarah Jane and Company - The Doctor appears to be teaching a class of riveted pupils. The students are not riveted by the Doctor's teaching style or by the subject matter at hand, but by the plaintive cries of their usual teacher as he is bound and gagged at his desk. The Doctor explains away this scene by insisting that he is a very desperate supply teacher. "I got sick of waiting for these teachers to get ill, so I decided to be PROACTIVE! Binding and gagging, that's the way forward as a supply teacher, children!" The Doctor writes up the word ‘wanker’ on the whiteboard and ponders it many times out loud. "Does anyone know anything about wanking?" Asks the Doctor, to a completely befuddled class. The Doctor looks around briefly, then becomes somewhat insecure. "This is sex education, right?" "No sir. It's Physics." The Doctor looks slightly put off, then recovers "Well, let's talk about sex anyway. It's a hell of a lot more fun! And there must be some physics involved. Friction and all that." The Doctor adds that the students should be taking notes as he draws various scenes on the whiteboard that he claims are from the Karma Sutra, but which on close, or any, inspection are actually just highly stylised depictions of pornographic smut - "Now you see what she's doing with the riding crop here? VERY UNUSUAL!" The Doctor decides to evaluate their knowledge and asks them a simple question about inverse magnetism and condoms. A young lad called Milo raises his hand and answers the question whilst the rest of the class remain silent. The Doctor congratulates him, spouting the word ‘correctomundo’, and then looks outside, wondering if all this Californian sunshine has gone to his head. Swiftly he moves on to his next question, this time about measuring electrical power in a vibrating massager submerged in water. Again Milo is the only one to raise his hand and the Doctor invites him to answer - which he does, again with precision and accuracy. The Doctor decides to be mildly disturbed for a few seconds and then with quick pace asks him increasingly testing questions about energy loss in rechargeable batteries, the definition of "BDSM" and then the logistics problem of FMMMMM, all of which he answers correctly before the Doctor asks him how to remove leather panties with only your upper jaw, which again he answers correctly. The Doctor is frankly stunned. Later on the Doctor goes to the school canteen and is kneed in the groin by Rose who is deeply upset about her undercover role of "Chavtastic Dinner Lady". While Rose mops up split gravy and ketchup, the Doctor tells her about Milo, stating he has knowledge way in advance of human understanding. "That leather panties question vexed the time lords for centuries." Rose finishes mopping up and takes one of the Doctor’s chips from his plate. He says there’s something not right about them but she ignores him, she thinks they’re wonderful and reminisces, wishing she had had such good school dinners when she was a student; "At my school it was the same story all the time, Cornish pasties with ground up glass in, cause beef was too expensive. And little pieces of plastic instead of onions." The Doctor ignores her and flips through a pornographic magazine. He is interrupted by another dinner lady, who walks up to their table and warns Rose that she is not permitted to read pornographic materials with young teachers. "You can read pornographic materials with the OLDER teachers. They like that. But it's just a bit off putting." Just then Rose receives a call on her mobile phone; It is Mickey. He is in a Cyber cafe looking up pictures of Page 3 Girls, but briefly mentions that a few months ago there was a lot of vampire activity reported around the school. Rose tells Mickey not to be daft, there are no such things as vampires. Mickey gloats, explaining that he doesn't give a single solitary shit about the vampire sightings, he just wanted a free vacation to California, but couldn't afford the airfare - "So I thought, HEY, how can I get to California without blowing all my money? Then I remembered you two, thought up the weirdest excuse I could think of, and got a free trip while you investigated. NOW, if you excuse me, I'm off to the beach! Cheers!" In a computer lab students type away as strange green symbols dart about on screen, their teacher looking on menacingly....well, playing Sudoku actually, but sometimes he glances up menacingly. Meanwhile, Giles is escorting a visitor down one of the school staircases, talking about the changes he has made to the school since he killed the senior staff and took their place. Giles introduces his guest to The Doctor. "This is one of our more erratic supply teachers. Pay no mind to him, the man is a moron, but at least he's English." The Doctor is amazed to see Miss Sarah Jane Smith, who is writing an article on Sunnydale High for Hellmouth Weekly, one of the more popular Southern Californian magazine publications. The Doctor tells Sarah Jane that his name is Rasputin Extremeo and she reminisces that she used to have a friend who went by that name. The Doctor explains it is a very common name but Sarah explains he was a very uncommon man. "He used to stick live fish in his trousers and claim to be a Renaissance Pope." The pair excuse themselves as they both plan to wander about secretly in the school during the night. The Doctor is openly thrilled by the prospect - "Oh! So you're wandering about the place nocturnally as well! Good on ya! Great hobby! Have fun! Don't let me catch you!" The Doctor doesn't forcefully remove Sarah Jane from the campus, happy to allow her to snoop all she wants. But Sarah Jane is annoyed as she really had been looking forward to a good old fashioned break-in. Frustrated, she leaves the building anyway, and then smashes open a window to regain entrance into the school. Elsewhere the Doctor, Rose and Mickey are also creeping around, well...not creeping about so much as smoking large joints in the library. With the Doctor gone off his head, Rose and Mickey are left alone. They decide to piss off and find a small photography class darkroom to have a quick snog in, for old times' sake. Sarah has entered the library and reels back in shock as she finds the TARDIS standing before her. She backs away, and trips over a man sitting down on the floor. Sarah Jane looks down at the stoned little man and realises at once - THIS MUST BE THE DOCTOR! He greets her - very slowly. She marvels, almost speechless. She comments that he has regenerated and he replies that that is a damned freaking obvious observation. Still astounded, she comments on how incredible he looks and he returns the compliment, but she simply sighs, saying she's had lots of facelifts and a boob job. She asks what he is doing here and he explains about the vampire sightings. He asks her the same and she explains she used to fancy Giles back in his outlaw, hard rock, rebel days - before he became a stick-in-the-mud tight ass. He smiles but she suddenly begins to sob, her voice cracking under the emotion of seeing the Doctor, heavily stoned, just as she'd remembered him all these years. She mutters how she thought he was dead, she waited for him to come back for her but he never did - except that one time when she got dragged into an alien death zone; not the most romantic of dates. Sarah pulls herself together and admits she still can’t believe he really is the Doctor, but suddenly he pinches her arse - Now she can. They run from the library and out into the corridors, where they are met by Rose. Rose asks who the hell the old broad is and he introduces Sarah and Rose. Sarah greets the young girl then turns to the Doctor, suggesting that after this adventure is over she may well call the Child Welfare Authorities. "Going through time and space, and god knows what else, with jailbait these days are we?" Rose inquires as to who exactly Sarah is and she replies by explaining she once travelled with the Doctor. Rose tells her that the Doctor has never mentioned her but the Doctor insists he must have done - "ONLY LAST WEEK! We were landing on the planet Xovolous Five, and I said to you, clear as day, 'Don't be such a whiny little bitch like my dear old friend Sarah Jane Smith!'" The Doctor quickly explains that this was merely THE LAST TIME her name came up, and usually, 99 times out of 100, he sings nothing but her praises. Rose claims not to remember this at all. The Doctor briefly considers, and admits he may have just dreamed the whole thing up. Sarah Jane is now desperate the change the topic, and invites the other 3 out to the car park. At first the Doctor expects that this is an invitation to be bloodily and brutally beaten by Sarah Jane, but is thrilled when instead she opens her car boot and asks the Doctor to take a peak at it's contents. Pulling back a large blanket, the Doctor uncovers a very battered looking K-9. "I've been trying to sell him off in car boot sales for years now, but no one will have him." Sarah explains. Joyfully the Doctor greets his old friend as Rose and Mickey laugh their asses off. "What is that? Aibo's great grandfather?" Sarah explains that one day he just stopped working and the Doctor is shocked to hear she never tried to fix him. She responds, explaining she’d never be able to get new parts for him and the technology that brings him to life would rewrite human science if uncovered. "So you keep an alien artefact of immense scientific importance in your car? Don't you ever worry about it getting stolen?" "It's a Skoda Favorit." "Good point!" High up on the school roof something is watching them. It observes them as they close the boot of the car and prepare to leave. This strange demonic monstrosity takes the form of bleached blonde northerner with a battered leather jacket. We join our heroes later sitting in a greasy spoon cafe, the Doctor tending to K-9. Sarah cries incessantly begging to know if she had done something wrong whilst travelling with him, because he never came back for her. The Doctor dismisses this entirely - "No! Of course not! I just got bored with ya! Love 'em and leave 'em. That's my motto! Say, are you going to finish those eggs? I'm starving!" Sarah remains persistent. The Doctor was her life. He took her to the furthest reaches of the galaxy, to see supernovas and intergalactic battles, to witness Pink Floyd and Slade live in concert, before just dropping her back on Earth, how could anything compare to that? Confused the Doctor asks if she’s implying that she fancied David Gilmour. Sarah Jane bangs her head against the table in frustration. "You showed me the wonders of the universe, a taste of life beyond earth, and you got me addicted to a form of lichen that only grows on Titan." "What's so bad about that?" "We haven't discovered life on Titan yet! I have to wait until 2057 to get another hit of that stuff!" Sarah Jane collects and tries to console herself. "I guess this must be the way it is for all of us. All your travelling companions. I imagine you never come back for any of us. Never see us again." At this point Mickey walks up, looking at a text on his mobile. "Doctor, sorry to interrupt here, BUT the Brigadier has been stalking me and on my case. He says he hasn't seen you IN MONTHS! You even missed your usual squash game. You really better call him, he's starting to get worried." The Doctor looks supremely embarrassed "Yes, thanks Mickey. I'll get right back to him, right away." Sarah Jane buries her head in her eggs. The conversation is cut off when K-9 whirs into life. He recognises the Doctor immediately and tells Sarah Jane that there is great danger. "What's wrong K-9?" "DANGER! THERE IS DANGER MISTRESS!" "How do you know that?" "MISTRESS! THE PRESENCE OF THE DOCTOR MASTER INDICATES GREAT DANGER! DON'T YOU EVER LEARN ANYTHING OR ARE YOUR COMPUTATIONAL POWERS DULLED FROM GREAT AGE AND THE SEVERE DRINKING PROBLEM YOU HAVE HAD SINCE HIS LAST DEPATURE? FOR CHRIST'S SAKE - DANGER MISTRESS!" Giles and his bleached blonde lackey, Spike, look on as Sarah and Mickey load K-9 into the car. "So you called me back from the fires of hell to fight an old broad and her tin dog?" "Don't be so quick to judge. The 'old broad' is an experienced master of the occult. She's defeated the likes of Sutehk and the Old Ones." "And the tin dog?" "Computing power roughly equivalent to a C64, but still, watch your back." Outside the cafe, Rose is having a heated discussion with the Doctor. She asks exactly how many people have travelled with the Doctor and demands to know whether she is just the latest in a long line. "Duh! Hell yeah! I'm so totally gunna kick you to the kerb when you get all old skool and wrinkly!" "Doctor, are you channelling Valley Girls again? JUST STOP IT, OKAY?" Rose admits that she thought that she and the Doctor were something special - the Doctor laughs riotously at this. "What IN THE HELL made you think that?" "Umm, when you said, 'Rose, I think we are something really special'." "Oh yeah, but honestly, I was trying to get into your knickers. I used the same line on Victoria! Not my fault if you human girls always fall for the same old thing." Rose asks the Doctor if he always just leaves his companions behind. "No, of course not. A few have snuffed it before I got the chance." Rose, on the verge of tears, asks of Sarah Jane, explaining how he used to be closed to her once but never even mentions her, and she wants to know why not. The Doctor explains. "I never age. I regenerate. But humans decay, they wither and die and WOW, that's really gross! Watch that happen - I'd rather not! But looking at Sarah Jane....Wow, maybe I ditched her too early. Could have gotten a few more years of bumping uglies EASY!" It is the next day at the school. The Doctor tells Sarah and Rose to open up the school computers so they can steal all the memory and hard drives. He tells Mickey to stay outside and keep watch as surveillance and Sarah hands him the keys to her car so he can keep K-9 company. Sometime later the Doctor enters the school library, where Giles is waiting for him. The Doctor questions him. He had heard that Giles was a noble teacher of young girls with great abilities; he had also heard that Giles trained slayers in his spare time. "Yes, I help them be...limber." During a brief and friendly chat over tea and biscuits, Giles explains that one day he had heard Buffy use the word "Zombi-riffic" one too many times, and decided to kill her and all of her friends for the sake of the Queen's English. "I'll miss their witty repartee, but not that much." Giles turns the conversation to the Time Lords, explaining how he always thought of them as pompous alien gods, frightened of change and chaos. The Doctor attempts to change the conversation back to Custard Cremes and PG Tips, but largely without success. "Talking about unimaginable power -- I can't believe how unimaginably fantastic these Custard Cremes are. Sainsbury's store own brand you said? How in the hell did you get them in Sunnydale?" Giles smiles and asks him to work it out for himself, to show how clever he is. The Doctor warns him that if he doesn’t like it he’ll stop them. Giles stands amazed, he's never met anyone so passionate about biscuits. Giles maintains that he and the vampires are not the Doctor’s enemies - "In fact, soon, you shall embrace them - especially when you see Drusilla in this hot, tight, little lycra number I found for her online. Yes Doctor, you will join us." In the computer room Sarah is trying to kick Rose Tyler shitless. "He's MINE! MINE! YOU CHEAP PEROXIDE WHORE!" Screams Sarah as she grabs Rose's hair and bashes her face against the wall. Giles meanwhile enters the staff room. He talks to Spike and various other vampires and tells them that they must initiate the final phase. The time has come. Today they shall become gods. In the classrooms teachers are initiating the programme with the mysterious green symbols and soon every pupil is typing away without question. The Doctor stares transfixed at the symbols and suddenly it dawns on him what Giles is doing, but he can’t believe it. The Doctor realises that Giles is trying to sequence Vampire DNA, which will allow him to create a new genetically modified race of vampire which can go out into the sun "without getting all scorchy and gory and stuff." It will also allow Giles to turn himself into a new super vampire and enable him to emulate his personal hero - Christopher Lee in the Hammer Horror films. Giles also hopes that the DNA sequence will be so powerful and complex that it will turn him into a god and allow him to possess the building blocks of life and all of matter itself - "But that's just an intriguing bonus. I really just fancy the cape." Sarah asks why children must be used and the Doctor explains that they aren't necessary at all, but it's just really evil. "Manipulating and destroying young minds always gives you a little extra bit of sexy when you're needlessly comic book evil!" Giles begins to defend his motives, claiming that with vampire DNA he can change the world for the better - plus being immortal sounds pretty bitchin'. Giles criticizes the Doctor, claiming he acts like a rebel but all he wants to do is preserve the old order. The Doctor could become a vampire at his side. He could make his own people, The Time Lords, rise again, reborn, with just a slight blood craving. Sarah tells him not to listen but Giles then turns to her, explaining she could be by The Doctor's side for eternity, never to wither or to age. Giles begs the Doctor to join him and the Doctor begins to see that the power of Vampiric existence is pretty damned awesome. Rose doesn't want to lose the Doctor to an immortally beautiful Sarah Jane, so she starts rambling some random shit about the universe being allowed to move forward, about pain and loss defining us as much as happiness and love, and Rose insists that everything has its time and everything ends. Giles looks down at Rose - "Please let us know when you've exhausted your litany of cliches." The Doctor agrees and puts his arm around Sarah Jane - "Yeah! Let's vamp up!" Outside Mickey has started up the car and is accelerating towards the school. For no particular reason - he just feels in the mood to collect another ASBO. In the library the Doctor and Sarah Jane help Giles wrap up the final few codes of Vampire DNA and talk longingly of their new found immortal devotion to each other. As a test of their final computation, they inject a special serum into K-9. His eye panel glows an eerie demonic red and his rust is magically healed. He has become the computational undead, a robot dog of unbelievable power with an insatiable lust for blood. The Doctor and Sarah Jane begin to run the program again, this time feeding in their own DNA codes to be altered and enhanced by the software. Mickey wanders around the school listening to his iPod Shuffle, but gets annoyed when the batteries run low AGAIN. He finds his way to the computer room where the main calculations for the program are still being run by the children. Mickey ignores them and looks for a place to plug in his iPod Shuffle for recharging. Unthinkingly he unplugs the master computers and starts to recharge his iPod. Freed from the mind control, the students flee in terror. The Doctor and Sarah Jane scream in annoyance as the program ceases to function and crashes entirely. At first they believe this is because the computers are running Windows, but soon they discover that the children have left. They will have to find more children to complete the personalized Vampire DNA sequence. Soon after this realisation they discover that K-9 has become insanely drunk with power and the knowledge of his immortality, and begins to fire his nose laser indiscriminately in all directions. One of the lasers hits a large industrial-sized barrel of Holy Water that Giles has kept on hand in the library for emergencies. The Holy Water begins to rush everywhere, and Sarah Jane begs the Doctor to save K-9 before it's too late. "No. Screw it. The little metal bastard has betrayed me one too many times. Let's leave him to die!" The school is flooded with Holy Water as the Doctor, Sarah Jane, Rose, and Mickey make their escape. The Doctor pretends to apologise to Sarah for K-9, but can't help insisting that he was an arrogant asshole between every other word of the apology. "Oh great! I don't see you for decades, and then when I finally do, you kill my dog! Fabulous!" Some time later, Sarah Jane and the Doctor stand outside the TARDIS. He offers her a cup of tea and she steps inside. The Doctor explains they are about to leave and offers Sarah a place onboard, but she explains she can’t do that anymore, it’s time for her to stop waiting for the Doctor and get a life of her own. Sarah does say "But I wouldn't mind a quick shag, for old times' sake." "Oh alright then! Over the console or in the swimming pool?" A few hours later Sarah decides it is time to go. Outside the ship the Doctor and Sarah stand alone. She finally gets a chance to say thank-you for the time she spent with him and the Doctor mentions that it’s something to tell her grandchildren. Sarah is doubtful; it’ll probably be someone else’s grandchildren. The Doctor, slightly embarrassed asks Sarah how her personal life has been since he left her but she insists she only had one sexual partner who ever truly satisfied her. She travelled with him for a while but he was a tough act to follow. The Doctor begins to grin, when Sarah Jane pulls the rug from underneath his feet - "BUT THEN YOU JUST KILLED HIM! YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!" "Oh, so you and K-9 were...dancing. ALRIGHT! Weird mental image. But I'll cope." Sarah says goodbye but the Doctor tries to insist it’s not goodbye for good. Sarah knees him in the groin and demands she gets a proper farewell for once. "Goodbye my...umm...Sarah Jane is it?" "Yes." They embrace for one last time and the Doctor returns to the TARDIS, leaving Sarah to watch him go, but he has one last gift for her. As the police box disappears Sarah finds a rejuvenated K-9 waiting for her. He trundles forward and greets his mistress and together, they walk off towards a new life... Inside the TARDIS, Mickey asks if he can get a quick lift back home, the Doctor tells him it may take a little while, he might have to travel with them for quite some time before they can get back to modern day London. Rose holds her breath until she is blue and stomps her feet on the ground. "Good! We're agreed then!" Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Curious Case of the Old Lady Who Molests Robots Classic Misadventures - K-9 once betrayed the Doctor entirely, running off with his ex-wife rather than staying by his side. Groovy DVD Extras - I've heard you can unlock a "Hot Tea" mod on the DVD and see the sex scene with the Doctor and Sarah Jane. Better run out and get the DVD fast before they force shops to sell a clean, unhackable version! Dialogue Disasters - ----- Doctor: I'm so old now. I used to have so much fibre. Not anymore. You get one warning. That was it. ----- K9: Suggest you run like a ninja on fire, mistress. ----- Doctor: SPIKE?! You can't work with SPIKE. Giles: Doctor, he may be demon infested and soulless, but AT LEAST he's English. I'm fed up with dealing with the Irish undead, and Valley Girl Vampires? Don't get me started. ----- Dialogue Triumphs - ----- Giles: This would give us power, but you could give us wisdom! Doctor: Nah! You're just saying that. Giles: Yes. Regretfully you've caught me out. I had hoped a bit of flattery might sway you. Doctor: Oh yeah, it's doing wonders! Tell me more! ----- Mickey: The missus and the ex - welcome to every man's worst nightmare. Doctor: Actually it's always been a secret fantasy of mine. Got any baby oil? ----- Giles: THE FIRST OF THE NEW VAMPIRE GODS SHALL BE...the shooty dog thing. ----- (To Rose) Doctor: I can't spend the rest of my life with you. You still smell of baked beans on toast. ----- (Sarah Jane Smith and Spike, sharing a fag) Spike: So let me guess, you got wrapped up in some twisted, doomed, love affair with an all powerful super hero who seemed to have more lives than a box of cats. Sarah: Yes. How did you know? Spike: I've been there pet. Hell, I wrote the book and designed the t-shirt. ------------------------------------------------------------ Viewer Quotes - "I cried when that stupid robot dog died. Doctor Who can completely rob me of my masculinity." - Doug Davis (2006) Elisabeth Sladen Speaks! "I thought they were just going to bring me back for a cheap laugh. Just have Sarah Jane wandering around lost in a shopping mall and then killed by the Autons in the opening credits. But, I told Russell about this fear, and to my complete surprise he told me it wasn't anything like that at all." Russell T Davies Speaks! "We met up with Lis Sladen, who is just LOVELY. We had this scene in our head where she entered BHS and was brutally murdered by the Autons in the opening sequence before the credits, BUT she came right out before we said a word and told us she wouldn't do that sort of thing. So I just sort of started spouting ideas of what we were thinking off the top of my head, promising all sorts of crazy shit, and finally Toby turned to me and said 'Russell! You've given her the whole damned show!' but I was so excited and thrilled to be thinking up this entirely over the top plot and I was stunned when she bought it." David Tennant Speaks! "I used to have a crush on old Sarah Jane. I built a paper mache Sarah Jane when I was a boy. Life-sized. My parents were really worried." Rumours & Facts - Russell T Davies found himself in a bit of a quandary with this episode. In the initial meeting with Elisabeth Sladen he had promised her a script in which she would become the eternal queen of the vampire race and live with the Doctor forever in a Hell Dimension of pure evil and love. He included various characters in this story that he did not have the rights to, many of whom belong to Joss Whedon. He had also promised that Parkinson and God would make special guest appearances and declare their undying love for Sarah Jane Smith. RTD pitched the concept of the episode to Joss Whedon, and then finally bound, gagged, and beat Joss Whedon over a period of three days until he got the rights he required - such is Russell's dedication to the programme. RTD was able to secure the acting talents of Alyson Hannigan only briefly as she was making yet another pastry based sex comedy for a large American studio. Anthony Stewart Head was offered an obscene amount of money to reprise his role, after initially being conned into believing he was filming an incredibly elaborate Little Britain sketch. And James Marsters was offered the standard free subscription to the Radio Times that would mysteriously fail to arrive in the mail (the BBCs usual recompense for a guest role in Doctor Who). The episode also resulted in extreme violence at conventions in Wales and Los Angeles as Buffy fans and Doctor Who fans got into a canonicity argument that was frankly brutal and bloodthirsty. The boxset DVD also includes the alternate ending for this story. In the alternate ending the TARDIS disappears to reveal not K-9, but Spike. Spike: Is that puritanical, self-appointed, moral guardian arse gone at last? Sarah: Yes. Spike: (Wrapping his arms around Sarah Jane, stroking her leather jacket) Great. Let's get on with the shagging, pet. I'd ask Keith Topping what he thinks and where it fits into the Whoni-Jossi-verse but he is a Geordie and I am secretly terrified of him.