Massive Spoiler Warnings!! Those who do not want Spoilers...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! See the ENTIRE archive and image site at - http://www.whoguide.com/ It's - The One Hundred and Seventy-Ninth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Lupine Lovin' On a windy hillside a procession of monks advances towards a stately house, pulling with them a carriage. They arrive in the courtyard where the father, Father Angelo is met with a frosty reception from the steward. He demands to be given the house but the steward laughs him off. Angelo deals with him before signalling to his brothers and they take off their cloaks revealing blood red robes. A kung-fu fight ensures and the men in the courtyard are soon overcome. The rest of the household is soon invaded and the staff is rounded up and held in the cellar. Before them the brethren wheel in the contents of their carriage, covered in a cloth. The staff ask what is inside the carriage. With dramatic flair Father Angelo pulls back the cloth and screams "MY LOVER!" The servants scream in terror... Episode 2.02 - Tooth and Tongue - Inside the TARDIS the Doctor and Rose are dancing around with glowsticks and laughing insanely as a giant stereo system pumps out Kraftwerk. Rose looks on in wonder as the Doctor prepares to take her to see the group live in Stow-on-the-Wold. "Kraftwerk did a live gig at Stow-on-the-Wold?" "What can I say, they know how to party hardcore in the Cotswolds." "No they don't." "Yeah. It was probably a bit shit actually. Say what - Let's just freak out Queen Victoria instead! Haven't done that in ages!" The TARDIS lands with a thud and they walk outside, only to be held at gunpoint. Lavishly dressed soldiers surround them, the Doctor realising that they have landed in Scotland and adopts a Scottish accent to try and fit in. When the head soldier demands to know who they are the Doctor identifies himself as the brave and noble James McCrimmon. The head soldier seems deeply unimpressed. "A strange coincidence, I am also James McCrimmon. You are a strange man, and you travel with a bit of futuristic totty. Any chance you be the Doctor?" "Doctor? No. Not me." "Good. If I ever see that bastard again I'll slice off his head with my sgian dubh." The Doctor wonders how James McCrimmon could survived so far into the 19th century, but then it is explained simply when he discovers that Jamie's true life story was the basis for the fictional film "The Highlander". A voice from the carriage the soldiers are guarding orders the two travellers to move forward and as they do so, the door to the carriage opens to reveal Queen Victoria. The Doctor introduces himself as God and Rose as his very nearly-invisible cat Jingo. He then passes the monarch his psychic paper, which she reads as describing him as a travelling loony and showman. The Doctor enquires as to why her majesty is travelling by coach when there is a train that would run faster but she helpfully explains that the Doctor should mind his own damn business. She then punches him repeatedly in the face for no apparent reason. Rose is shocked to discover that Queen Victoria is a complete nutcase, an excellent marksmen, sharpshooter, and has a lightning quick draw. "I built this empire on the blood of my enemies, never forget that Miss Tyler. I recently went to the New World to take it back. In the end I had to settle for assassinating their President Lincoln and killing Billy the Kid." A guard on horseback announces that the house of Sir Robert McLeash is only ten miles away and Victoria tells him that the Doctor and Rose are to join them on their way. They shall arrive soon, for there are legends of wolves upon these Scottish landscapes. As the entourage continues Queen Victoria spits tobacco and moves a knife between her spread out fingers as quickly as humanly possible. The Doctor and Rose talk excitedly of meeting Queen Victoria as she single handedly demolishes them at both poker and craps. Rose bets ten pounds that she can make her say “we are not amused”. Soon they arrive at the house, with Sir Robert watching from a window. Father Angelo of the brethren stands beside him dressed in full leather bondage gimp regalia, warning if he does not cooperate his wife Lady Isobel will be devoured. Robert makes his way downstairs and greets his guests where Victoria enquires as to the welfare of his wife and he explains she is has gone a bit insane and started talking to her feet - "We've sent her away to the Cotswolds for some much needed rest and relaxation" He subtly tries to warn her against staying, "Queen Victoria, it might possibly interest you to know that on occasion, I allow psychopathic assassins to lodge in my home. Just something I felt I might want to mention." Victoria smiles and says that this will make her feel right at home. In the cellar the scared servants look on at the cage. Inside sits a cloaked man, his head bowed. He draws tiny stick figure people smiling and giving each other flowers, as the staff look on in terror. The Doctor, Rose and Victoria are taken by Sir Robert to the observatory, to see a grand telescope built by his father. The Doctor observes it with gusto but finally comments - "Who built this ugly piece of shit??? God I hate Victorian designs. So tacky and tasteless. How the lot of you ever reproduced is just beyond me. Getting all sexually aroused by exposed piano legs..." Rose politely informs the Doctor that he is being a dick. Victoria reminisces about her late husband Albert, explaining how he was cursed and is now forever trapped in a can. As the sun begins to set Rose searches through the wardrobes in her rooms for some clothes that don't make her look like a 19th century prostitute. Rose continues her search but is startled to find only deeply kinky servant girl outfits. "So that's what Sir Robert and the wife get up to when she isn't talking to her own feet." Rose is trying to find the least slutty servant girl costume, when she encounters an actual servant girl hiding in the wardrobe, The servant girl introduces herself as Flora. "My god, you're parents named you after Flora???" "Excuse me Miss?" "Oh...never mind. This is the 19th century. It's not like your parents called you Butter or anything, is it?" "No miss." "So what's Sir Robert's game? He locks you up in his wardrobe and makes you wear these disgusting-" "NO MISS! Those garments belong to Sir Robert's wife. I was merely in the wardrobe hiding from the evil werewolf." "Ohhhh right. Of course! Kinky servant outfits in the wardrobe, an ACTUAL servant girl in the SAME wardrobe, WHY DID MY MIND IMMEDIATELY jump sex? Hiding from WEREWOLVES, OF COURSE! Look Flora. I've heard that story a million times. You don't have to hide anything from me." Flora is about to protest but Rose and her are both captured by the monks disguised as bondage gimps. The Doctor, Sir Robert, Victoria and her guardian Jamie McCrimmon are preparing to dine, it's a rather formal affair, until Victoria busts out a Quija board and starts to summon Satan. Down in the cellar Rose and Flora have been bound in fur-lined chains with the rest of the staff before the cloaked man. Rose wonders exactly what the threat is but Lady Isobel, Sir Robert’s wife explains he is not like any human - he glances at Rose, winking at her, as he draws the sun with a smiley face. Back in the dining room Sir Robert explains that the legend of the wolf dates back to last Wednesday, and states how every full moon a howling rings through the valleys and the entire village's supply of crayons goes missing. McCrimmon dismisses it as a work of fiction to cover for thieving children but Sir Robert explains that once every generation, a boy goes missing as well. In the cellar Rose looks on at the cage, slowly creeping forward. She asks the man-creature what strange planet it came from. She demands to know where it was born and it replies, "Ipswich". As a boy he was stolen away by the brethren for cultivation. His soul was removed and placed in a shortbread biscuit tin and the creature sat in his heart. In the dining room the Doctor enquires as to what the monster looks like and Sir Robert explains that although it may appear at first to be a very large duck, it is really a man who transforms into a wolf; a werewolf. In the cellar the creature continues to talk, explaining its ambitions to become a travelling artist, tour the United States, settle down in New England, take up sailing, and then retire to a small private island where he can live the rest of his life in isolation reading poetry and collecting flowers. Unfortunately the monks have turned him into a soulless creature of the damned and want him to migrate into the body of Queen Victoria and take over the world. "Hopefully I'll still be able to retire to New England after the whole global domination nonsense is over." Back upstairs Sir Robert explains his father’s fascination with the beast. According to Sir Robert men who look directly at the beast tend to fall passionately in love with it. His own father communed with the beast, learned its sinister purpose, vacationed with it on the Isle of Wight, and openly indulged their illicit affair in the courts of Paris and Venice. The Doctor's attention is suddenly drawn to the leather-clad gimp boy, who is standing by the window, looking out into the night and chanting quietly in Latin. "Now that's suspicious..." Sir Robert continues, stating how he believes the brethren to have turned from God, and to have begun loving the wolf. In the cellar the outer doors are opened exposing the creature to the full moon. It basks in the moonlight and begins to remove his cloak. His face slowly morphs into that of a wolf and Rose realises what it happening. "Oh shit! Flora really was hiding from a werewolf!" She calls to the rest of the staff and together they pull at their chains, trying to dislodge them from the wall. Upstairs Father Angelo continues to chant and the Doctor realises something has gone ever so slightly wrong. Victoria takes a swig of whiskey and demands to know what is happening. Sir Robert explains that the men in his home have captured his wife. The Doctor runs like hell. Down in the cellar the creature is slowly transforming, so we can get a really damn good look at each tiny detail of the metamorphosis and don't feel cheated. Rose and the others continue to pull at the chains as upstairs Jamie threatens the father, demanding to know what he wants. He turns to look at him and answers: "To be cuddled by the wolf". Queen Victoria looks on as the father knocks out Jamie, the Doctor and Sir Robert meanwhile continue to run like hell. Rose and her fellow captors shatter the chains of their preconceptions and become free entities, feeling truly alive for the first time in their lives. Which is really great...but they're all still going to die when the wolf attacks. The Doctor has run so far that he's actually run into the room where the wolf is changing. The Doctor stares amazed at the wolf as it breaks out of its cage. "It's so beautiful." The wolf howls at the moon. Father Angelo confronts Queen Victoria, he explains they have waited so long for one of her trips to coincide with the full moon but she does not fear him. Queen Victoria goes into a dragon stance, flips three times in mid-air, quick draws a revolver, and blows Angelo's head clear off his shoulders, before landing perfectly thirteen feet away, narrowly avoiding Angelo's brain matter as it impacts a nearby wall with force. Angelo's headless body falls to its knees and Victoria deftly kicks the centre of the corpse's back, making it fall forward and smack the stone floor with a satisfying crunch. Queen Victoria is left triumphant and completely clean in a room decorated with the remains of Father Angelo. In the corridors the female servants are arming themselves as the men become enthralled with the wolf and are brutally disembowelled. Rose tells the Doctor that in her estimation the werewolf is actually a pretty nice guy, a bit of a sissy even, but he's been twisted by the insane ambitions of the brethren. The Doctor smiles at Rose and says, "That's great really, glad to hear he's a nice guy underneath it all", as he tries to squeeze his body through a tiny window. Rose follows after the Doctor and eventually they reach a library where Victoria and Sir Robert have taken refuge. The wolf is outside the library. Sniffing. Scratching. But the wolf does not enter. The Doctor ponders what it is that is holding it back. The Doctor notices that the library is heavily decorated with mistletoe. "No...no, IT CAN'T BE! It's...too stupid." "What Doctor?" "Mistletoe. The werewolf can't come in here, because he's shy. He's scared of getting kissed." "WHAT?!" "Rose, you said that he was a nice guy. Poetic. Gentle. Some of that must remain inside him. I think what we have is terribly shy, and cripplingly introverted werewolf." "But, that...thing. It's a killing machine!" "Yes! A killing machine. A snarling, grunting, hairy beast. WOW! That's got a be a real blow to the old self-confidence." The Doctor suddenly begins to piece things together in his brain. The wolf has severe intimacy issues. He has been surrounded by bald monks his entire life and probably has never had a decent shag. The Doctor looks at Rose and says simply "Give him a snog." "Huh?!" "Yeah. Just go up and snog the poor bastard senseless. Alright?" Before anyone can respond the Doctor grabs some mistletoe and flings open the door to the library. The wolf sees the Doctor holding the mistletoe above his head and begins to circle and dodge the advancing time lord. The Doctor cleverly uses the mistletoe to manoeuvre the wolf towards Rose. Finally when the wolf is close enough Rose wraps her hands around his head, and brings her lips up to his muzzle. "MORE INTENSE ROSE! TONGUE! HE NEEDS TONGUE!" The wolf transforms back into a man. The man thanks Rose, gives her a crude drawing of some tulips and a large house, and moves to a quiet but comfortable home in Kent. Victoria for her part, pulls a gun on the Doctor and Rose. She announces the two travellers are to be banished from her empire, never to return. She doesn’t know where they come from but does know that they are apparently into some sick bestiality. "Even if it saves the world - that is a bridge TOO FAR!" Later, our heroes are on their way back to the TARDIS, the Doctor commenting how Queen Victoria was a real bitch, which could be a Victorian euphemism for werewolf. That night, back at the house, Queen Victoria spends several precious moments of airtime plugging the hell out of Captain Jack's spin off series. Book(s)/Other Related - alt.sex.stories.lon-chaney-jr Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor and Jamie once joined forces to fight The Kurgan. Groovy DVD Extras - David Tennant's home made Doctor Who fan video from 1987, in which he plays The Doctor, a Cyberman, and the Doctor's plucky, pig-tailed, female companion Benji. Dialogue Disasters - ----- Doctor: That is the sexiest damn lupine wavelength haemoveriform I've ever seen! ----- Doctor: Books! The best weapons in the world. This room is the greatest arsenal we could have! Rose: Oh dear lord, that is the nerdiest thing you have ever said EVA'! ----- Victoria: It is said that whoever owns it must surely die. Doctor: Do the words "no" and "duh" mean anything to you? ----- Sir Robert: You didn't find it unusual that my estate was crawling with leather bound gimp boy servants? Doctor: They were bald, athletic, your wife’s away. I just thought you were happy. Rose: I was just glad they weren't in those kinky servant girl outfits. ----- Stewart: By what power? The hand of God? Angelo: No. The BIG FUCK OFF STAFF OF BAMBOO! ----- Dialogue Triumphs - ----- Rose: Look BITCH, just say "we are not amused" already! I got a tenner going on it! ------------------------------------------------------------ Viewer Quotes - "'The Christmas of Death’ and ‘New Ecstasy’ convinced me that Russell T. Davies’ Doctor Who scripts are crap, but nothing could have confused me more than ‘Tooth and Tongue’. Visually impressive, action packed and gripping, and with a great script...it's like the man suddenly decided to start giving a damn or something." - Paul Vrandox "This is a sparkling example of why Doctor Who is different from every other science fiction fantasy concept out there. what other series would fight off the monster with massive, kinky, snogs from Billie Piper? It's the peaceful, humane, and very desirable way to resolve the dilemma." - Larry O'Brien "I'm confused - were these 19th century Scottish monks close friends of Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan!??! Where the hell did they pick up those moves?" - Daria Deathstar "After watching the opening sequence I thought to myself - MAN, I'd LOVE to be beaten up by kung-fu monks in slow motion like that! The artistry! Maybe I'm just a masochist...yeah, I dunno man. But it would still be great." - Charles Daniels Russell T Davies Speaks! "Well it's early days to mention this - but after the Torchwood spin off, and the K-9 spin off, we're working on a pretty standard soap for ITV, which will be a spin off for the wolfman. He'll be living in the 19th century, trying to live a typically Victorian life as a werewolf...think of Eastenders but with more mutilation." Billie Piper! "I just need to tell you this one thing - I've killed a man. With my bare hands. I squeezed and squeezed and calmly watched as the life drained out of him. Now, Charles, what was your question again?" David Tennant Speaks! "The Converse shoes? Yeah, funny story about that. They were my idea, but I wanted my Doctor to only wear Converse shoes and nothing else, not even socks. First I thought it would be great if my Doctor was a nudist. Clothes are a very human thing. People need to keep warm, but he's an alien with a much lower body temperature, so he'd be just fine. But then I thought about running about on all those alien planets - the rock quarries. And that would rip my poor feet up something awful, so yeah, a nudist with canvas shoes fit my vision of the Doctor completely. I was so disappointed when they talked about having a long coat. A long coat can look very imposing, almost patrician, in a way that a naked bloke in comfortable shoes just doesn't." Rumours & Facts - This episode is unique in televisual history, marking the first time that a CGI werewolf hasn't been total crap. The episode was also shot and broadcast in colour. While this is standard practice today this would have seemed quite special in 1966, and would have seemed even more so before the invention of the television. "You consort with stars and play Magic The Gathering and think it fun. But your world is steeped in terror and blasphemy and death, and however much I longfully lust for these things, I will not allow it. You will leave these shores and will reflect, I hope, on how you came to stray so far from all that is good and how much longer you can survive this terrible life. Now fuck off - By rule of her Britannic Majesty!”