Massive Spoiler Warnings!! Those who do not want Spoilers...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! It's - The One Hundred and Sixty-Sixth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Daft Punk Thanks to Bernie Fishnotes for a great quote Episode 1.4 - Aliens of Bethnal Green - Honouring a promise, the Doctor takes Rose back home to visit her mother, a very short time after they left. Rose is shocked when her mother clutches onto her for dear life and bursts into tears - then she notices a table covered with missing persons flyers and posters, all with Rose's name and picture on them. The Doctor casually eats a few biscuits, takes in the situation, and deeply annoyed he replies - "What? It's only been a year! What's that in the cosmic scale of things? Stupid humans. I wouldn't notice someone missing for at LEAST a decade." And with that the Doctor helps himself to another cup of tea and the rest of the Jaffa Cakes. (Opening credits - the TARDIS whizzes through time and space, takes a wrong turn at the Battle of Hastings, swings back around and lands firmly in the early 21st century) Jackie lashes out at Rose for her thoughtlessness in vanishing for a year without so much as a phone call. Rose claims that she’s been incredibly strung out on cocaine and thought she was only gone for a day. Jackie angrily points out that she left her razor blades and mirrors behind. The Doctor explains that he travels around with massive amounts of illegal drug paraphernalia and has been pimping Rose out to various alien clients... The Doctor is deeply surprised when this story meets with anger and suspicion, having not realised that - 1) Human beings don't know about aliens 2) Drug abuse is looked down upon 3) Prostitution is even more of a no-no "Oh, sorry. I'm a few centuries out of date. That story would be been perfectly acceptable in the 23rd Century. Hmmm....the temporal equivalent I could use NOW would be - 'Rose and I have been travelling through Europe in my Chevy Van and she's having my love child.'" When this story ALSO seems comically out of date, the Doctor launches into yet another explanation involving a Soy Farm, but is thankfully cut short by Jackie slapping him and accusing him of luring away her daughter for immoral purposes. Rose is embarrassed and remorseful, but can’t even begin to explain where she’s been. Later, the Doctor sits with Rose on the roof and asks for tips and advice on how to further traumatise her mother. That was never his intention, but now he's gotten a taste of it, and would really love some revenge for getting slapped like that. In passing, the Doctor reveals that he’s 900 years old, a member of an ancient race called the Time Lords from the planet Gallifrey, a direct descendent of Rassilon, Time's Champion, and quite possibly Chairman Mao's most beloved tennis partner. Rose is stunned by the amount of name dropping and figure spouting that the Doctor can just drop in passing whilst lighting a cigarette. The Doctor also admits that he was 215 before he lost his virginity, and that was to someone who later became one of his many archnemeses; Rose realises that this is just another of the many things she can’t discuss with anyone. "I lost my virginity in a way unique to the Time Lords." "Oh, how's that?" "Behind the fridge." As Rose muses what it’s like to be the only person who knows that aliens really are out there, and how deeply fucked up they are, an alien spacecraft sputters overhead and careens wildly across the London skyline, belching smoke. As they watch, the ship crashes and demolishes the Millennium Dome. Delighted, the Doctor beings to rush off to investigate. Rose, who really can't be bothered, talks the Doctor into being lazy and just watching the news on TV like everyone else. The Doctor returns to Rose’s flat, where Jackie reluctantly turns off Big Brother so they can watch the news about the UFO crash. The world is on amber alert, flights have been cancelled over North American airspace, and the Secretary-General of the UN has advised people "To end your own lives NOW!! NOW before the Martians eat our brains!!" There has been no sign of the PM since the state of emergency was declared, he is eventually found cowering under a desk, asking the President of the United States if it's okay to breathe. Most of the Cabinet has pissed off to safehouses in Aruba and Barbados. Thus, Joseph Green -- the rotund MP for Hartley Dale, and Chairman of the Parliamentary Commission on Illicit Pornography -- has unexpectedly become the acting Prime Minister. Joseph Green seems to be having difficulty handling the situation, as most of his previous professional experience has been filled with the duty of watching incredibly smutty material and then pretending to be deeply concerned for the public health of Britain. Green is handed a booklet on what actions are to be taken during an alien invasion, but it does not prove helpful in the slightest. The entire booklet, seemingly logically, assumes that the people of the United Kingdom are in a fearful panic and need to be calmed and controlled for their own safety. A quick look at the news reveals that the people of Britain are in fact elated that the aliens have only attacked and destroyed the Millennium Dome - something they had been deeply wishing would happen for years. So far people enthusiastically support the alien conquest, and are happy that the aliens have taken all the expense and hard work of demolishing the dome once and for all. Night falls over London, and the Doctor is frustrated by the mundane conversation between Jackie and her neighbours, he's secretly hoping that EVERYONE gets voted off the island and HE gets voted off the planet. Eventually he tells Rose that he’s had enough, he's gunna piss off. The assures her that first contact with alien life is something the human race can and must be left to handle on its own, especially as he can't be bothered to help - "The first aliens the human race meets, don't know who they are, other than they must be shit drivers. You'll have a lot in common." Rose is worried that the Doctor will leave her behind, so he hands her a key to the TARDIS. This makes her feel better, until he runs for the TARDIS at break neck speed and takes off. Inside, the Doctor SEEMS to be caught up in a titanic struggle to control the TARDIS’ flight, but upon closer inspection he's simply re-built part of the console into an incredibly elaborate Whack-A-Mole game. The TARDIS eventually materialises in a storeroom in Albion Hospital, and the Doctor puts down his sledgehammer and emerges from the TARDIS cautiously -- only to walk straight into room where a scientist and a pig in a spacesuit are playing poker and drinking tea. "Oh. Umm...sorry to barge into your top secret military installation like this.....Fuck me, but is that a pig in a spacesuit drinking tea, eating a Jammie Dodger, with a Royal Flush?" The scientist immediately folds, and embarrassed, the Doctor apologises to the pig in the spacesuit. Before the Doctor can recover from his faux pas, a gang of soldiers burst into the breakroom and shoot the pig in the head. The Doctor is horrified beyond all belief - "Why in the hell did you do that?!?!?" "You saw him sir. He was a pig in a spacesuit. Could be dangerous." "HE WAS DRINKING TEA and Playing Poker!" "Sounds damned suspicious for a pig if you ask me. He was probably a terrorist pig." "So you just shoot first and ask questions never?" "Policy sir. I say....you wouldn't be a porcine terrorist sympathizer would ya?" Later on the Doctor studies the corpse, and to his surprise it was just an incredibly clever pig -- albeit a pig augmented with bionic technology. "This is such a tragedy. I bet it even made that cool noise when it ran really fast in slow motion." A random scientist points out that the technology used to augment the pig is itself alien, which means that real aliens are responsible for faking a false UFO scare. The Doctor wonders why the hell the aliens would bother and returns to his TARDIS confused. Mickey enters the Tylers’ flat, and is furious to see Rose sitting there with the rest of his neighbours, some old friends from primary school, the guy who runs the kebab shop, and some new friends Rose met that afternoon. Rose apologises for not visiting him, and explains that she sort of forgot he even existed, but that’s not nearly good enough for Mickey. When Rose disappeared with no explanation, Mickey was charged with her murder and was briefly placed jail while the investigation against him continued. During that time Mickey became the steady girlfriend of one Bob "Bonecrusher" Harris. "And after they let me out of jail did I hear from him again? Did I even get a Christmas Card? OF course not! Why do I always end up with such inconsiderate people?" Just then the Doctor appears to collect Rose. Mickey angrily accuses the Doctor of ruining his life, the Doctor lamely tries to dodge responsibility - but eventually admits that "Yes, I've actually screwed you over pretty thoroughly mate." Jackie sneaks into her bedroom and calls the emergency alien hotline number set up by UNIT in the 70s, or the 80s, or hell maybe even the early 90s depending on your stance on UNIT dating. Jackie begins to blurt out her story, claiming that her daughter is in danger because she's been lured into fanatical behaviour by an alien terrorist called the Doctor. This phone call tips off UNIT, the official anti-terrorist taskforce, and the current UNIT leadership is deeply pissed off at the Doctor and seeking revenge. Back in the TARDIS, the Doctor explains that the crash landing was faked, but by other aliens. Mickey points out that that seems damned weird, and unlikely, and it seems strange to start an invasion by destroying the one thing that everyone in Britain would be glad to see go. The Doctor agrees and offers his own theory - "I think it's a cultural misunderstanding. A fluke. You want to terrorise an emerging civilization on the brink of galactic travel. What do you target? That giant dome in the middle of one of their major cultural cities? SOUNDS like a great target. Problem is, you don't know how monumentally stupid the human race is. That they would put that much money and effort into something that size and then decide 'Hang on. That's a bit shit actually.' There's no way an intelligent alien race could have foreseen that. You almost have to feel sorry for them." Happy with his explanation the Doctor goes back to fiddling with the TARDIS, leaving Mickey and Rose to catch up. Rose assures Mickey that she did miss him, even though she’s only been gone for a few days from her perspective. He tells her that he spent the whole year looking for her, and that he never dated anyone else - Rose thinks about this and says "Wow. That's sad." Predictably, this was a tactless and hurtful thing to say, Mickey bursts into tears. The Doctor jumps in between the two ex-lovers and harshly pushes Mickey aside. The Doctor explains to Rose that they need to get further involved in this mystery and so he sets off the TARDIS to 10 Downing Street. When they arrive at 10 Downing Street, the Doctor is mobbed by the paparazzi. The Doctor smiles, waves, poses for pictures, and does his best to assure all the photos are done in attractive lighting. The Doctor admits to Rose that he’s visited this planet a lot, and these days, his arrival tends to be noticed. Eventually Rose drags the Doctor into the seat of government. Inside, a minor politician, Harriet Jones is trying to mingle with the visiting experts and eat all the sausage rolls she can before anyone complains she's hogging the horderves. The Doctor is quickly ushered into a briefing room, leaving Rose behind with Harriet, who tries and fails to make small talk with her mouth completely full of pork pies. Rose notices that Harriet's snacking has gone completely out of control, and she is even tucking into a discarded alien skin suit. "Harriet. I don't think you should eat that. It's probably valuable evidence about the invasion AND it's just really disgusting." Hoping to find some evidence of alien technology, Rose opens up a nearby closet "That's where I always hide my alien technology." she explains. Instead of a cool piece of alien gear -- a body tumbles out. Rose and Harriet are both appalled by the discovery - until they realise that it's only the Prime Minister -- and then somehow the whole incident seems incredibly funny. The Doctor walks into the briefing room, flips through the agenda within seconds and immediately picks out the most important detail - There is no planned tea break on the agenda! The Doctor speaks up, pointing out that whoever planned this meeting could not have possibly been British. Rumbled, the aliens reveal their true form; they are the Slitheen, and look like giant, partially melted, baby-faced dolls. Everyone in the briefing room bursts out laughing at their ridiculous appearance, the aliens are left completely humiliated! Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who In A Rather Acceptable Adventure With The Slitheen! Rose: A Website of Lurid Paintings And Rambling Erotic Fantasies The New Adventures of Mickey #1: Prison Break! Links and References - The Doctor mentions he used to work for WANK (World Allied Nations Killingforce), later publicly known as UNIT Untelevised Misadventures - Mickey's vivid and dramatic tellings of prison love, which we thankfully were spared flashbacks of Groovy DVD Extras - Those flashbacks I just mentioned. Dialogue Disasters - ---- Rose: OW! I just stubbed my toe. Doctor: FANTASTIC! ---- Doctor: Do you mind not farting while I explain the plot? ---- Dialogue Triumphs - ---- Mickey: Oh yeah, don't think I sat on my backside for 12 months Doctor, I read up on you, you look deep enough on the Internet or the History books and there's his name, followed by a list of actors who've played him. ------------------------------------------------------------ Viewer Quotes - "I didn't actually watch this episode - I was far too busy uploading it illegally for people in America and Germany." - Tubshave (2005) "You might be cruel and call me a sad loser, but I timed how much actual airtime was taken up with farting on the BBC 3 repeat and it's less than 20 seconds. That's 3/4 of 1% of the episode. And hopefully there won't be any more next week, so that's 0.37% of the whole story." - Mageboy97 (2005) "Saturday 26th March was the best day of my entire life. I have a small collection of Dr Who videos and DVDs and occasionally enjoy rewatching them. I have to admit that although I really enjoy them, they don't quite bring back the feelings I had when I first watched them as a young man, deeply confused about my sexual attraction to bananas and men with scarves. So, although I knew I was going to enjoy the new Dr Who it was with a level head and moderate expectations when I sat down on that Saturday. The second I heard the new, revamped theme, it burrowed itself into my brain like a hungry squirrel, and evoked memories of Saturday nights past and literally made me cry. I cried like a baby. And cried and cried. Until my boyfriend asked me to shut up." - Derek Who (2005) Russell T Davies Speaks! "When Science fiction is going badly, it can be very bland, very painful, and depend on the acting of someone like Paul Darrow, and that's a situation no one on the new Doctor Who wanted to get into. I wanted to make a truly British science fiction series. Where, sure, lives were on the line and every second mattered, but everyone still felt that it was vitally important to stop for the occasional cup of tea and a custard cream. And to make Doctor Who truly British has been fantastic. One of the things that makes me laugh is when I read something which says 'gay writer of Second Coming, Casanova and Queer as Folk has made family viewing an event'. It just shows that anyone can write anything. All that pigeon-holing that goes on is nonsense. No writer should ever sit there and think - I'll only write gay things. I mean, sure, I'm going to have a few bisexual characters here and there, and a very tender man-on-man kiss. But that's well outside the pigeonhole." Christopher Eccleston speaks! "Why did I take the role of the Doctor? Three simple words - 'Russell T Davies'. I love his writing. And I want to carry his love child." Rumors & Facts - The day of this episode's transmission coincided with the revelation that David Tennant would be appearing nude in Home and Gardens Magazine - on his own insistence, even though it was entirely inappropriate for the magazine. Later in the day it was also discovered that he was to be Doctor Who. In the finest traditions of Doctor Who, it looked like the programme was once again back on track, in a way not seen since the days of Tom Baker. Tennant had appeared in several Doctor Who audio dramas, playing such memorable characters as - "Janitor", "Young Man", and "Drunk Alien". He had also played a jukebox in the 2003 BBC webcast "Cream Of The Shalka" (starring Richard E Grant as a version of the Ninth Doctor). Tennant had been interviewed about his Dapol collection just weeks earlier for the BBC1 documentary Doctor Who: A New Dimension. Tennant had also recently worked as a gaffer on the 2005 version of The Quatermass Experiment, doing...whatever the hell it is gaffers do. He had also got a bit part in the film adaption of "Harry Potter and The Goblet Of Luke Warm Dragon Sick". To put it bluntly, the damned guy was the most blatant fanboy ever let within 10 light years of the part!