I'M DREAMIN'

EPISODE ONE

by GAY LEOPARD also known as Curry Jetts and Bobby Fastdude

first broadcast - 22nd May 1971

running time - 23mins 13secs


Scene 1 - Outside The Cloven Hoof Pub (night)

[John Noakes staggers out clutching a dog lead in one hand and a beer glass in another]

LANDLORD: [From inside the pub] Oi - give me my glass back.


JOHN:
[Slurring] Arrrrrrr, have it you tosser [He throws the glass through the door. There is a smashing of glass and a scream. John looks around.] Shep? Shep? Where are you?

[He walks into the graveyard. Shep is lying dead]

JOHN: Oh no, not again.

[There is a 'hmmmm hmmmm' noise. JOHN turns around. He screams. The camera zooms in on a raised eyebrow in the darkness]


Scene 2 - Village Street (day)

[A woman dressed entirely in straw and a pink boa, MISS HAWTHORNE, is pestering DOCTOR PEEVES as he makes his way to his car]

MISS HAWTHORNE: I tell you, doctor, that man died of fright

PEEVES: Look, it was a heart attack. Now get out of my way.

MISS HAWTHORNE: No, it was fright! I am the village bitch, you know?

PEEVES: They never die of fright. Every bloody time someone dies, you come up to me and scream "it was fright doctor, fright!'

MISS HAWTHORNE: It's very common, you know. Only last week when old Mr Greeves died of fright.

PEEVES: No, his wife cut off his head with a chainsaw.

MISS HAWTHORN: Nether the less, when he saw what his wife had done it was the fright the got him! I cast the runes this morning you know?

PEEVES: I'm so happy for you. Now let me get to my car - I have an emergency.

MISS HAWTHORNE: I hardly think that as a doctor you need to be concerned with something like that.

PEEVES: But my patient will die in. [He pulls out his pocket watch. He shakes it. It has stopped] Ah well. Go on then.

MISS HAWTHORNE: Eeeeeeeeevil I tell you. If Professor Horner should cut open that Haggis on the stroke of midnight.

PEEVES: Oh, right, actually I think my patient might just make it, but I have to get to him now.

MISS HAWTHORNE: You can't.

PEEVES: Why not?

MISS HAWTHORNE: I removed your car wheels earlier and ate them. Sorry.


Scene 3 - The Barrow

[Film cameras are set up on top of the ancient barrow. Technicians are milling around. On top of the barrow is a table, fully laid]

HARRY (oov): A bit more David. More. yes, to the right. a bit further. no not on the dog, yes, yes. that's it.

[ALISTAIR FERGUS walks to the table. He clears his throat. HARRY's head peers out from under the tablecloth]

HARRY: [Shouting back under the cloth] David - it's happened again! [To FERGUS] Erm, hello, just checking the. table legs.

FERGUS: Took two of you, did it?

HARRY: They were quite hard.

FERGUS: [Crying] I feel so left out.

HARRY: What do you want?

FERGUS: Oh yeah, where's Professor Horner?

HARRY: I last saw him in the middle of the village wearing nothing but a bra and a traffic cone singing "I'm a happy happy pixie".

FERGUS: Ahh, joined the Morris Dancers has he? Well, he'd better be here before midnight, I've already ordered the Rat Brain Sponge, Platypus al a Toast, and the chef has just caught the frog for the Haggis a la Frog.


Scene 4: The UNIT Workshop

[The Doctor is in Bessie fiddling with his equipment. Jo enters]

THE DOCTOR: Jo. oh Jo.

JO: Hi Doctor

[THE DOCTOR looks up from Bessie]

THE DOCTOR: Ah, Jo, I didn't see you.

JO: What are you doing?

THE DOCTOR: Erm, nothing? [He quickly hides a bunch of photos behind his back]

JO: What are those? [She snatches them] These are all pictures of me. and they're coated in some sort of strange alien goo.

THE DOCTOR: [Quickly snatching them back] It's to do with defeating a bunch of aliens. Yeah. Anyway, what did you want?

JO: Oh, just to let you know that it's the dawning of the Age of Aquarius.

THE DOCTOR: Eh? What's that then?

JO: Peace, understanding, free love

THE DOCTOR: [Eyes lighting up] Ahaaaaaaaa. Is this a come-on?

JO: Not really you randy old bastard.

THE DOCTOR: DAMN! Go on then, bore me with all your crappy hippy shit that for some reason excludes the main point of hippyism, i.e. giving me a shag whenever I want one.

JO: Well, it's all a kind'a magic

THE DOCTOR: I'll show you some magic.

JO: Go on then

THE DOCTOR: For my first trick, I shall make a part of my body levitate

JO: I may be blonde, but I'm not stupid

THE DOCTOR: [Into a small Dictaphone] Personal note - more rigorous screening procedure needed. [To Jo] Okay then, I'll make Bessie move. Come here Bessie.

[He pulls a large towrope that is attached to the front of Bessie. Bessie slowly scrapes forward]

JO: Wow - that's amazing!

THE DOCTOR: It gets even better. Bessie, how are you? [He throws a stone in the air. It bounces off the ceiling and hits the windscreen, which shatters]

JO: Wow - Bessie replied - magic!

THE DOCTOR: Not magic, Jo, brains. Something you may not know about.

JO: What is brain?

[MIKE YATES enters]

YATES: Hiya Doc

JO: The Doctor has a magic trick - look

[Again, THE DOCTOR pulls on the rope. YATES walks forwards and trips on the rope, falling over. He is crushed by Bessie, which rolls over him]

YATES: Wow - that's magic! Hey, Jo, want to watch the TV?

JO: Oh, yeah, that programme is on

THE DOCTOR: What programme?

YATES: Yeah, it should be good

THE DOCTOR: What's this about?

JO: I can't wait to see what happens

THE DOCTOR: HELLO? WHAT-IS-IT-ABOUT???

YATES: Oh, this bloke is going to eat Haggis a la Frog on top of a barrow in the village of Devil's Arse at the stroke of midnight.

THE DOCTOR: Sounds like top-notch BBC entertainment. Count me in.

YATES: Great. Now can someone get me out from under Bessie before I die of internal bleeding? Please?


Scene 5 - The Cavern

[FERGUS is busy addressing the camera.]

FERGUS: Devil's Arse. the very name sends a shiver up the spine. the famous Evil Curse. the notorious cavern under the church where the third Lord Aldbourne tortured his victims with nothing but a blancmange. And now for the first time, BBC cameras will be allowed inside after we promised not to blow the church up. like in Exeter. and Taunton. and Glasgow. In this cavern, pagan man performed unspeakable rites with large slugs, and the sexy ladies of the 60s hid from the libido of William Shatner, visiting from America for fresh victims. In this cavern. I could go on all day, but I'd be fired. Is Professor Horner as foolish as his dietician suggests? I must admit, standing in this place all alone. eh? Hello? Guys?

[The camera men have all run off. FERGUS is alone]

FERGUS: Mummy!


Scene 6 - The Barrow (later)

HARRY: [On his mobile phone] No David. I.can't. It's not right. Look, we're filming. Okay, see you later.

FERGUS: [To camera] While I was recording earlier today, Professor Horner has been digging away at his newly cooked frog haggis, as if it were some sort of tiny haggis. [He laughs hysterically at his own joke. Silence. The church bell tolls. A dust ball rolls past] Will he be proved right, that it is tasty?

[PROFESSOR HORNER is seated at the table. He is drinking from a very large keg]

HORNER: Get on with it you fucker. [He slams his fist down] MORE DRINK

FERGUS: Or will the Professor die of alcohol poisoning?


Scene 7 - UNIT HQ Duty Room

[SERGEANT BENTON is in front of the television, eyes glued to the set. FERGUS's voice continues to drone on and on and on and on.]

FERGUS (oov): For over 200 years, the controversy has raged. What exactly does Haggis a la Frog taste like? Now, we are not the first to try to find out. But from 1793 when Sir Percival Flint chickened out and left the restaurant without paying his bill, to the famous Cambridge University orgy of 1939.

[THE DOCTOR, JO and CAPTAIN YATES enter]

JO: Benton, get out of the way

YATES: Yeah, move your head

BENTON: [Wailing] I can't

FERGUS (oov): .Haggis a la Frog has remained an enigma

YATES: Benton, what happened?

[YATES moves closer. He sees that BENTON's eyes are literally glued to the TV]

BENTON: The Brigadier asked if I would play a game of Risk. I said I'd rather watch TV, and he said "I'll give you TV, you tosser." Oh god, help me, I think I'm going blind.

THE DOCTOR: Look matey, out the way [He yanks BENTON's head off the screen]

BENTON: ARRRRRRGH! MY EYES!!!

[As BENTON writhes on the floor in agony, THE DOCTOR, JO and YATES sit down in front of the TV]

FERGUS (oov): But tonight the enigma will be solved

[Behind him, Professor Horner has stripped off and is dancing on the table wearing a traffic cone]


Scene 8 - The Barrow

FERGUS: Tonight at midnight, the spooooooky hour, viewers of BBC Ripoff will have the privilege of being present when Professor Gilbert Horner, the noted fat git, will.

[HORNER staggers into view]

HORNER: [To cameraman] Oi, fuckhead, follow me [He dances over to the table and points to the Frog Haggis.] See that cut I made there. A millimetre below could be the best culinary experience I have ever had since Winston Churchill

FERGUS: You ate with Winston Churchill?

HORNER: Ate with him. yeah, that's it. [To himself] Like chicken.

FERGUS: So at midnight you're going to eat this haggis are you then? What do you expect to find in it?

HORNER: Guts

FERGUS: That's very precise. Are you sure?

HORNER: [Sarcastically] No. [He takes another swig of beer] In fact it's more likely to by filled with the London Philharmonic Orchestra

FERGUS: And what will they be playing?

[HORNER grinds a broken beer bottle into FERGUS's face]

FERGUS: Riiiiiiiight. Anyway, why midnight?

HORNER: Duh, stupid fuckhead. [He drains another keg of beer] It's April the 30th. Fool.

FERGUS: For the viewers

HORNER: Eh?

FERGUS: The people watching at home

HORNER: How?

FERGUS: Via the television cameras. [Horner looks lost] Those things. [He points at a camera]

HORNER: What the hell? ARRRRGH! HELP ME. THE TERRIBLE ALL-SEEING EYE..

FERGUS: For God's sake, just do it

HORNER: [Suddenly putting on a posh accent] Tally ho old chap. It's Beltane, the most evil night of the year. [He throws up over the camera]


Scene 10 - UNIT HQ Duty Room

[The television can still be heard in the background]

FERGUS (oov): Oh god, no. stay away from me Horner.

THE DOCTOR: [Looking at calendar] The most evil night of the year? Why did no one tell me? I would have sacrificed a goat.

HORNER (oov): FECK! ARSE! [FERGUS screams]

FERGUS (oov): Can't. breathe.

HORNER (oov): [Taking another swig] Have some Rat Brain Sponge you layabout.

[FERGUS gives a muffled choke]

THE DOCTOR: [Putting down the phone] There's something dreadfully wrong here

JO: Hey, you really mean that?

THE DOCTOR: [Sarcastically] No Jo, I was lying

YATES: What's the prob, Doc?

THE DOCTOR: They didn't have any goats left at the farm. Not even a chicken.

JO: LOOK! [She points at the corner of the room. A piece of dust is floating to the floor]

YATES: Ooookay

JO: LOOK! [She points to the TV set, where a struggle is going on. A naked MISS HAWTHORNE is fighting with HARRY]


Scene 11 - The Barrow

HARRY: Look, Miss, just get some clothes on before I retch.

MISS HAWTHORNE: Don't you find me naked female form pleasing?

HARRY: MY PRIVATE LIFE IS MY OWN BUSINESS!!!

[He breaks down in tears. MISS HAWTHORNE jiggles up to HORNER and FERGUS]

FERGUS: [To camera] This is Miss Hawthorne, a promiscuous. sorry, prominent local citizen, who is very much opposed to Professor Horner's meal.

HORNER: [To MISS HAWTHORNE] Do you want to see my little Horner?

MISS HAWTHORNE: Not now. I'm trying to make you see reason

HORNER: I can see all right, and it certainly is reasonable. [He gives a dirty laugh]

MISS HAWTHORNE: You are tampering with forces you don't understand. [She points at the haggis] Evil, Professor, evil. Trust me, I know

FERGUS: How do you know?

MISS HAWTHORNE: I'm the local bitch. It's my job to know everything.

HORNER: Stupid cow. Meet me in my hotel room later. [He hiccups]

HARRY: Right, that's it. Stop flaunting your sexuality. Bugger off, female scum.

MISS HAWTHORNE: I have cast the runes; I have consulted the talisman of fish; it is written in The Daily Star: When Beltane is come, tread softly, for lo, Prince himself is nigh.

FERGUS: Prince?

MISS HAWTHORNE: Yes, Prince. The horny one.

[She pushes her naked breasts in front of the camera]


Scene 12 - UNIT HQ Duty Room

THE DOCTOR: Right, that's it. Come on Jo.

JO: Where to?

THE DOCTOR: Devil's Arse, of course. That woman was perfectly all right.

JO: Are we going to defeat the dark forces there?

THE DOCTOR: Erm. yeah. [To himself] Once I've unleashed a few dark forces of my own, preferably on that Miss Hawthorne.

[JO follows THE DOCTOR out]


Scene 13 - The Barrow

FERGUS: Professor Horner, thank you.

[He is holding a handkerchief against his face to try to staunch the flow of blood. The camera keeps cutting back to MISS HAWTHORNE, who is still naked]

FERGUS: Well, that's it. What will happen? Just remember, tune in to BBC Ripoff at 11:45 tonight. The BBC - you make it what it is - so it's all your fault! Ha ha ha.


Scene 14 - The Cloven Hoof Pub

[The locals are all watching television and chewing straw. Amongst them are WINSTANLEY, the local squire, TOM GIRTON, BERT, the landlord, and ERNIE, BERT's friend]

WINSTANLEY: Good for Miss Hawthorne. I must say that she kept her end up very well. very pert.

BERT: She's mad. Round the twist

ERNIE: Hey Bert, there are some pigeons outside

BERT: Ooooooh, pigeons. I love them. I love their feathers and their beaks and their little.

GIRTON: Enough of that. I'll call the RSPCA if you're not careful. Anyway, all this stuff about death and disaster. I don't buy it

[HARRY walks in]

WINSTANLEY: Me neither, but there have been some right queer happenings lately.

[HARRY walks out]

BERT: Yeah. I heard that old Mrs Granger's chickens have begun to excrete strange white ovoids. And do you know what's coming out of the cows? Milk!

ERNIE: Milk from cows? 'Tis the devils work. Oh, and old Jim told me that the pigeons have been walking funny.

BERT: Never mind about that.

WINSTANLEY: Well, it's all since that Professor began to dig at his haggis.

ERNIE: Could be a coincidence

WINSTANLEY: What will you do if old Nick does come here Bert?

BERT: He is here. There.

[He points in the corner. Everyone turns around and looks. OLD NICK stares back]

NICK: What? What are you looking at me like that for? [He puts down his drink slowly] What? Is there something in my drink? Aaaaw, screw you. [He shuffles off]

WINSTANLEY: No, I mean Satan

BERT: He's sitting beside you

[WINSTANLEY screams and falls off his chair. The man sitting beside him looks down]

STAN: What's wrong with him?

BERT: Winstanley wanted to know if you were in, Stan.

WINSTANLEY: [Picking himself up] No, I said Satan

BERT: Oh right. Sorry, I misheard. Well, if he does come round, I'll give him my best room. My bread and butter he is.

[Everyone else laughs. BERT laughs nervously. He quickly hides a tub of butter. On it is written "Devil Butter - Genuine chunks of Satan inside!"]


Scene 15 - The Village Green

[POLICE CONSTABLE GROOM comes out of a house. He is adjusting his clothes. He sees MISS HAWTHORNE passing by]

PC GROOM: Good evening Miss Hawthorne. Just doing the rounds. I heard you were on TV

MISS HAWTHORNE: They cut me off, those fascist bastards. But don't worry, I' ll have my revenge. Oh yes.

[She walks off. As she passes the churchyard, a wind springs up and lifts her skirt]

MISS HAWTHORNE: Avast ye! Piss off ye elementals!

[The wind dies down. She turns round and sees PC GROOM throwing stones at her. He stops as soon as he realises that she is looking at him]

PC GROOM: Sorry. I can explain. I was aiming for.

MISS HAWTHORNE: No need. It's obvious you were under some sort of trance

PC GROOM: Yeah. whatever


Scene 16 - A Country Road (evening)

[THE DOCTOR is blatantly ignoring all speed signs, and is tearing down the road in Bessie.]

JO: Come on Doctor. We'd have been there ages ago if you hadn't stopped earlier

THE DOCTOR: But Jo, That squirrel I hit was only injured. I had to finish the job.

JO: But you didn't have to chase it through the woods though, did you?

[THE DOCTOR drives on. Coming across a signpost, he sees the arrow pointing to Devil's Arse. He turns in the opposite direction]

JO: Doctor, we're going the wrong way!

THE DOCTOR: Shut up Jo. I'm a man and men know everything about cars and the roads. You just go back to thinking about kittens and sewing and let the man do all the work.


Scene 17 - The Churchyard

[MISS HAWTHORNE is walking towards the rectory, when GARVIN, the verger, jumps out in front of her]

GARVIN: BOO!

MISS HAWTHORNE: Oh! I wish you wouldn't keep doing that. Especially when you 're holding a hacksaw and wearing a hockey mask

GARVIN: Just. trimming the hedges. Anyway, what do you want?

MISS HAWTHORNE: I want to speak to the vicar

GARVIN: Mr Magister isn't in at the moment. He's busy summoning the Devil. I mean pummelling the devilled ham. Yeah.

MISS HAWTHORNE: No, I mean the real vicar

GARVIN: Oh right, the real vicar. Oi, what would you call Magister then?

MISS HAWTHORNE: A tosser. I want to speak to our old vicar, Canon Smallwood, the one who left in mysterious circumstances

GARVIN: Nothing mysterious about it. Cut himself whilst shaving and had to be taken into intensive care.

MISS HAWTHORNE: That's strange. I mean he didn't seem the type to shave with a 12-inch fire axe.

GARVIN: Look, I'm very busy.

[He still blocks MISS HAWTHORNE's path]

MISS HAWTHORNE: Okay, I'll see the new vicar then. Will you get out of my way?

GARVIN: No, I'm working

MISS HAWTHORNE: What? Standing in front of me?

[GARVIN puts his hand in front of MISS HAWTHORNE's face]

GARVIN: Ahhhh, not touching - can't get mad

[MISS HAWTHORNE snaps GARVIN's arm. The vicar comes up behind her, unseen. She turns around and looks into the face of. THE BASTARD!]

THE BASTARD: Dear me, I hope that violence won't be necessary [he sees GARVIN's arm] Oh well, too late. Now, what can I do for you?


Scene 18 - UNIT HQ Duty Room

[YATES is getting a drink from the vending machine. BENTON puts down the phone in disgust]

BENTON: Yates, they've got no more dog curry left. That's really buggered up our evening.

[The Brigadier enters the room. He is all dressed up]

BRIGADIER: Tally ho old chaps. Everything in order Yates?

YATES: Yes sir. Going to a regimental dinner sir?

BRIGADIER: Eh?

YATES: The kilt. Strange, I didn't think they were allowed to be made from leather.

BRIGADIER: Well mine is! The fishnet stockings and pink PVC jacket are all part of my clan's uniform, before you ask. Goodbye Yates. Goodbye Benton

[BENTON turns round. He is wearing an eye-patch on each eye]

BENTON: Bye sir. Sorry about the eye-patches, but the doctors tell me that the glue you used.

BRIGADIER: [Not listening] Oh, thank-you! How hilarious. Ha ha ha. Good grief! It was funny the first time, vaguely amusing the second, but by the eighth. Just. fuck off.

[He storms out of the room. YATES glances at BENTON knowingly]

YATES: Benton.

BENTON: Yes?

YATES: You know how the Brigadier was wearing a skirt. sorry, kilt.

BENTON: Yeeeees?

YATES: Well, if the Brigadiers doing it, it must be manly.

BENTON: I'm sure it is Yates. What are you suggesting?

YATES: Benton, there's something I've got to tell you.


Scene 19 - The Churchyard

[GARVIN mopes about, kicking a can, as MISS HAWTHORNE pleads with THE BASTARD]

MISS HAWTHORNE: Please? Please? Help me to stop that nutter.

THE BASTARD: What? The Professor? Now normally I don't resist a woman when she's on her knees in front of me, but in this case.

MISS HAWTHORNE: But he must not eat the haggis

THE BASTARD: Erm, why?

MIS HAWTHORNE: Eeeeeeeeevil.

THE BASTARD: Riiiiight.

MISS HAWTHORNE: But vicar, what about the peril everyone is in? You have a duty towards the souls in your care.

THE BASTARD: Well, in my opinion, the 'soul' is a dated concept.

MISS HAWTHORNE: What?

THE BASTARD: True. In fact, whilst we're on this subject, I find Satan to be a much underrated individual. It's not his fault he's the most evil being in the universe. Because of the European Court of Human Rights, we can now safely blame Society.

MISS HAWTHORNE: You. wanker. Good day.

THE BASTARD: One moment please. [As he talks he moves closer and takes off the pair of glasses he has been wearing] You've been working so hard. You feel so tired. And horny. Yeah. Heh heh heh.

MISS HAWTHORNE: I must strip.. [She snaps out of her trance] And why indeed? There's no TV cameras about. Have you no concern for my modesty?

THE BASTARD: Listen to me!

MISS HAWTHORNE: You, sir are an idiot! [As she speaks, she holds the cross around her neck out in front of her. Steam begins to rise from THE BASTARD's collar. MISS HAWTHORNE walks off. At THE BASTARD's behest, GARVIN follows her]


Scene 20 - A Country Lane (Night)

[Bessie comes round a corner, wheels covered in blood and fur, and stops]

THE DOCTOR: Okay, I give up -we're totally lost, in the middle of nowhere. On the bright side, we're totally lost in the middle of nowhere.

[He shuffles over to JO]

JO: Good god - no! Where's the map

[THE DOCTOR gives her the map]

JO: It's upside-down!

THE DOCTOR: You did that - useless woman!

[He revs up Bessies engine and drives off.]


Scene 21 - The Barrow

[FERGUS is pacing up and down nervously]

HARRY: Calm down. Nothing can go wrong. [He places a hand on FERGUS's arm. FERGUS stares at him. HARRY quickly whips his hand away]

FERGUS: "Nothing can go wrong"??? Look at him! [He points at HORNER, who is throwing darts at the camera crew] He's more drunk than a Belgian locked in a wine cellar. We're doomed.

[HARRY moves over to HORNER]

HARRY: Are you all right Professor?

HORNER: [Leering] Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssss

HARRY: Okaaaaay. But you remember what to do? We'll start with an intro from Alistair, and then you can cut open the haggis

HORNER: Fair enough. [He peers at HARRY] Why have you shrunk?

HARRY: .and Tom says that if you can take the first bite at the stroke of midnight, that would be super.

HORNER: I'll be suuuuuuuuuper. [He hiccups again]

HARRY: Professor, suppose something does happen?

HORNER: Like?

HARRY: Like if the big red fellow should pop up

HORNER: Don't worry about that lad. I've drunk so much, I don't think my little fellow will be rearing his head tonight.

HARRY: I meant the devil. Although what you just said is a relief.

HORNER: Well if Satan does pop up, just bugger him.

HARRY: Wha? How did you know. oh, that was a joke. Ha ha. [He laughs nervously] But Professor, don't you think this is all tempting fate a bit? I mean the curse that states that if you eat Haggis a la Frog on Beltane, Satan himself should arise. all very nice. but. well. I mean look...

[He motions about him. The camera pulls back to reveal a large banner saying -

"Devil's Arse Welcomes Beelzebub." To the right of HARRY there is a pagan alter smeared with chickens blood on which is scrawled "Hey hey Satan, come on, you know you want to"]

HORNER: Just a bit of fun.


Scene 22 - UNIT HQ Duty Room

[The patches have now come off BENTON's eyes. He is watching a porn film, dressed only in knee-high boots and a thong. YATES comes in wearing a pink frilly dress]

YATES: Anything happened yet?

BENTON: No sir, not a thing. We're still on the pointless story.

YATES: Benton. are you sure this is all right. [He brushes his dress]

BENTON: Sure. if the Brigadier does it. [He looks back at the screen] Hey! Did you see that?

YATES: [Nodding] Quite right too.

BENTON: Hey, that haggis-eating's on soon, did you want to watch it?

YATES: I think we'll watch a bit more of this first.

[CORPORAL BELL enters]

BELL: Hello - oh my god!

[She leaves in a hurry. YATES and BENTON continue to watch the film, completely oblivious]

YATES: Oh, oh. That'll teach him.


Scene 23 - The Cloven Hoof Pub

[The pub is still open, and all the locals are in, illegally drinking after hours. THE DOCTOR and JO enter]

BERT: [To the DOCTOR] Hello sir, can I get you anything?

THE DOCTOR: Hello, I'm with UNIT, a totalitarian arm of the state.

BERT: [Shouting] It's the fuzz!

[Suddenly all the drinks disappear]

THE DOCTOR: No need for all that. Just tell me the way to the haggis.

BERT: Oh right. One of those television chaps?

THE DOCTOR: I am no sort of chap sir.

BERT: Sorry madam. It's straight out on the right. There's a large sign

JO: What, the one that says "Haggis eating over here"

BERT: Exactly

JO: Told you, Doctor

THE DOCTOR: [Mumbling] Could have meant anything.

[THE DOCTOR and JO leave. The locals all take out their drinks from under their tables, behind their backs, etc]

ERNIE: Hey, Winstanley, where's your drink?

[WINSTANLEY looks down. There is a glass-shaped lump on his crotch. His trousers are soaking]

WINSTANLEY: It seemed like a good idea.


Scene 24 - The Vestry

[THE BASTARD is there, with GARVIN nearby. GIRTON has just arrived from the pub]

GIRTON: ...he had hair. and arms.

THE BASTARD: Did he by any chance call himself "the Doctor"?

GIRTON: That's right. How do you know?

THE BASTARD: It doesn't matter. [He motions GARVIN to leave, and speaks to GIRTON] Why aren't you getting ready?

GIRTON: I thought I should tell you - the Doctor's going to stop the haggis-eating!

THE BASTARD: No matter. Get ready. [GIRTON leaves. THE BASTARD gets out a Ming The Merciless style cape]


Scene 25 - The Cavern

[THE BASTARD enters, dressed in the cape. It has a very high collar. A number of black robed figures move about, setting up the stone of sacrifice. THE BASTARD looks over at a statue of a man wearing a wing-collar and flares, perched in an alcove]


Scene 26 - The Barrow

[The television crew are chatting away. FERGUS is injecting himself with a large dose of heroin. A serene smile becomes glazed onto his face]

HARRY: Quiet please. Lots of lovely quiet please duckys. [The crew goes silent] And. go!

[He signals to FERGUS]

FERGUS: Welcome back viewers. Here, the excitement is intense. Mmmmmmm. [His eyes mist over] The stage is set, man.

[HARRY begins to cry]


Scene 27 - A Country Lane

[THE DOCTOR is speeding furiously down the road, occasionally swerving in order to hit the odd rabbit]


Scene 28 - The Cavern

[THE BASTARD and his coven begin to moan due to their weird rituals. THE BASTARD throws some cocaine into the thurible, causing a puff of smoke]

THE BASTARD: I want it here and I want it now

COVEN: Yo

[THE BASTARD sprinkles some water on the altar]

THE BASTARD: Listen to my voice oh dark one, ye of little plot yet great action. I dedicate this to help summon you [He throws some ham and cheese onto the altar] May these simple offerings be symbolic of your great works. I summon thee. Grade! Grade! Grade!

COVEN: LEW!

THE BASTARD: I really, really want it.


Scene 29 - A Country Lane Near The Barrow

[THE DOCTOR and JO are still tearing along in Bessie. Suddenly without warning, a twig falls onto the path. THE DOCTOR brings Bessie to a halt and both he and JO get out]

THE DOCTOR: It's not good Jo, we'll have to run there.

JO: But Doctor.

THE DOCTOR: Shut up Jo. I'm going to run there heroically, and that's that.


Scene 30 - The Barrow

[Professor Horner is seated at the table, cutting into the haggis]

HORNER: You've had enough shit from that other fellow. This is what you really want to see. A big fat man eating. Now look here, I'll tell you what you'll see - guts.

[He cuts deeply into the haggis. There is a squelch]

HORNER: See.


Scene 31 - The Cavern

[The cavern is now full of smoke. The coven are attempting to walk in a circle, but members keep staggering off, screaming "the colours."]

COVEN: ITC! ITC! ITC!

THE BASTARD: Renosirp Eht! Sitnalta Morf Nam Eht! Tnias Eht!

COVEN: ITC!

THE BASTARD: Come on Lew! Come on Lew!

[THE BASTARD throws another substance into the thurible. There is a small explosion]


Scene 32 - The Barrow

[PROFESSOR HORNER has almost cut a piece of haggis out. THE DOCTOR runs towards him]

THE DOCTOR: Stop! Stop that pig! Stop him!


Scene 33 - The Cavern

THE BASTARD: By the power of RADA, by the power of EQUITY, I conjure thee and charge thee, Lew, arise, arise! At my command, Lew, Lew.

COVEN: Lew!


Scene 34 - The Barrow

[PROFESSOR HORNER puts the piece of haggis in his mouth. THE DOCTOR rushes up to him]

THE DOCTOR: No! Don't swallow

[But he is too late. PROFESSOR HORNER defiantly swallows it. The ground begins to shake as gurgling sound rises from PROFESSOR HORNER's stomach.]

HORNER: It's horrible! [He throws up]


Scene 35 - The Cavern

[THE BASTARD laughs as the building trembles]. Suddenly GIRTON points at horror at the statue of the Seventies man, whose stone head is turning slowly towards them, raising an eyebrow]

GIRTON: Look!


Scene 36 - The Barrow

[JO runs up the top of the barrow, only to see the bodies of both THE DOCTOR and PROFESSOR HORNER lying there, covered in vomit]

JO: Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right? No!

[As she leans over, PROFESSOR HORNER groans and rolls over on top of THE DOCTOR, crushing him]

JO: No! Oh Doctor, no!


Doctor Who
JON PERTWEE

Jo
KATY MANNING

The Brigadier
NICHOLAS COURTNEY

Benton
JON LEVENE

Yates
RICHARD FRANKLIN

The Bastard
ROGER DELGADO

A Silly Person
MR Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries

Maxil
TOM BAKER

Evil
ADOLF HITLER
MARY WHITEHOUSE
DARTH VADER


Title Music By
DERANGED SCREAMING CATS
and the BBC Radiophonic Workshop

Story Editor
Whomever

Producer
NYBBAS Inc.

Director
BLAKES SEVEN


Transcribed by
MATT MARSHALL ( matt@jagaroth.freeserve.co.uk )

HTML Coded By Hand For Way Too Damn Long, (Just look at the code and you can see where I gave up being fancy and just decided to get it over with!), by
CHARLES DANIELS (cdaniels@calweb.com)


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